He lies quite still, having been awake for some time now and trying not to make any sudden movements to avoid waking her. She is still sound asleep nestled within the crook of his arm, her back leaning onto him snugly. He gazed at her while she slept, her breathing even, peaceful. From the minute he had awaken, every single thought he had has been of her, only her. Last night felt like a dream; their moments together was more than he ever thought it could be. He has not experienced this connection before, certainly never with anyone else.

So this is how it feels. This is how it feels to lose your heart fully to someone else,  were the thoughts that circled his mind. And all he wanted to do was keep her in his arms so he could protect her and keep her safe; keep her here for himself. I didn't know I could be this selfish; I didn't realize I could care this much.

He kept his arms around her, his embrace tightening while he rested his cheek on her head. He breathed her in, her scent fresh and exquisitely her own. He felt heady and drunk...the soft and sweet taste of her still on his lips, a lingering memory he can no longer do without. And his lips instinctively grazed her shoulders, caressing her skin. 

She stirred; he felt her breathing deepen and change, telling him she has awaken just as her hands moved to grasp his arms that have been holding onto her tight. She took his hands, their fingers intertwining and brought them to her lips. She revelled in his warmth, the feel of him, strong and solid, behind her. She could feel the caress of his kisses, slow and heated, the light graze of his teeth on her shoulder, her neck; it felt like he was marking her, his breaths like an invisible tattoo on her skin.

She turned to him then, to bury her face in his shoulders, her turn now to nuzzle him and let her lips brush his throat; his adam's apple bobbed up and down when he gulped in response to her caress. He moved to lift her face, to stare deeply into her eyes. Her hands reached up to touch his cheek and a sense of deja vu swept over him, of that other time she was there with him during his moment of weakness, that time when he needed her the most. But here, right now, the emotions are different; this time his mind is clear, because it is only focused on her. And everything is so much clearer with her around. 

"I like seeing you like this in my bed, your hair all over my pillow, with you looking at me the way you do right now, as if nothing else matters in the world but us, this very minute. I want to see you looking like this every morning when I wake; to make love to you every night before I close my eyes...." and kissed her deeply.

She stared back at him still somewhat breathless, and he couldn't speak at the lovely image she presented: her cheeks still rosy, her lips soft and tender from his kisses. And he marvelled anew that she loves him with a passion that matches his.

"Stay here with me," he whispered, reaching up to touch her silky hair that fell onto her delicate brow.

She bit her lip, "I would but I have to open the store, Ha Jun..."

But he silenced her protests by just kissing her again; this time with slow, nipping kisses that just tug gently at her, as if he just wanted to keep tasting her, to keep sharing her breaths and taste the softness of her lips. And soon enough his kisses start trailing down her jaw, down to the hollow of her neck until she had to remind him again with her voice tremulous, betraying how affected she truly is by his kisses. "Ha Jun... I really do need to go to work..."

His sighed and looked so expressively that she was forced to add, sounding husky even in her ears, "You said you have another painting you need to finish today, don't you?" Her eyes roamed his face, "Anyway, I'll see you this evening. You'll come over and stay?"

"Yes...But I don't feel like painting; I'd rather stay here in bed with you. Maybe I can paint you instead...." and his head dipped down, catching and tugging her fingertips with his mouth so suggestively. The intent in his eyes is unmistakable.

"I don't think it's painting you have in mind..." her smile was shy, teasing.

"Mmm...but I always study my subject thoroughly before I do..." 

She didn't quite complete their discussions any further, his actions distracting her from further thoughts.

His eyes never wavered away from hers as he held her hand and took each fingertip sensuously. She could feel the warmth of his mouth, the caress of his tongue, the gentle bite of his teeth... His mouth took in each digit, tugging on each one before trailing a path down her palm, to her wrist until even she could feel her pulse thrumming from the pressure of his lips. She didn't know she held her breath until she had to breathe, only for him to steal it back again when he kissed her. And oh, how he kissed her...He knew exactly how to take her breath away…the way he took possession of her lips, still bruised from last night's kisses; of her body, the way he seemed to know each and every nerve endings in place. She felt lightheaded, clinging to him while he moved to lay her back down, pinning her underneath him. His movements deliberate and intricate; so single-minded in his quest. His hands and mouth rove to places now familiar to him. Her mind could only but supply her with memories of their intimate moments shared many times over last night, making her heart speed up, her breathing labored as she anticipates his every move. She said his name, so softly like a sigh. But she knew he heard every whisper, every gasp, every moan coming out of her lips from the purposeful way he loved her. She shuddered anew just as a fresh wave of desire swamped her and she let herself follow his lead, taking everything he's giving, until she felt the fire that has been smoldering inside of her catches and blazes into a bonfire, consuming both of them.

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She is panting by the time she reached the center. Her arms are laden with bags of books and snacks for the evening's session. Her face is flushed from running after she almost missed her stop. She was stuck daydreaming again while she sat in the bus, the ghost of smile flitting about on her lips. And when the driver called her attention (he knew her from her frequent rides), she was startled out of her reverie. She thanked the man profusely, bowing as she scrambled off, all embarrassed at being caught unawares. She is quite clueless at the lovely sight she presented, not seeing the looks thrown her way. She is glowing, looking lit from within from being in love and being loved. And the rosy tinge warming her cheeks added to the allure she herself does not even seem to be aware of that she presented.

The days have passed like a whirlwind, so caught up was she with everything that transpired with him, between them. He spent every moment he could with her until she had to chase him away so she could work in relative peace. He was just too distracting and she so easily distracted. She could hardly get anything done whenever he's around, the way he seemed to take over her thoughts even without him doing anything, even with him just staring. But then there were those moments he would waylay her in some dark corner of the store. Her bookstore might be small, but it has little hidden nooks and crannies where one can easily find a quiet peaceful spot. And there's that hallway set out back with a stairway that leads up to her apartment; the stairwell underneath that is dark and so convenient to hide in in between customers... 

He had cornered her there one time, as if they were having a little tete-a-tete; and it was all the more thrilling the way it was cloaked in secrecy for the improperness of his behavior. He was just too hard to resist, especially when he had backed her up against the wall and started again with those soft deep languorous kisses; the kind of kisses that made her pulse sound like a drum in her ears; the kind that made her forget where she is, where both of them are. Those kisses seem like they were connected to her heartstrings, a tugging she felt with each kiss, a pulling she felt deep in her insides, until she felt the prickles run all over her skin, as if she were electrified. And the heavens help her, she would kiss him right back just as thoroughly, craving him just as much until the sound of the door chime would rouse them both to emerge back in the store all flushed and short of breath to greet the customers. But then some days, there were hardly any customers at all that would come interrupting...

He also had been staying over fairly often in the evenings. When the weather was balmy on some nights, they would spend those up in the roof, snuggling while they watch the sun set, the noise of the city quietening down from its business. And she would fall asleep in his arms underneath the starry skies, with Romie cat snuggled right next to them. These were some of their happiest moments together, quietly holding hands underneath the moon and the stars, sharing each other's space.

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Seon Mi hurried getting things set up at the Center, greeting Mr. Do who was placing the chairs around the room. After a while, she saw Ha Jun walk in, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth upon seeing her. But she was already deep in conversation with Mun Yee and he did not interrupt. Before long, the rest of the people came trickling in and the session began. She ended up sitting next to Mun Yee who still claimed her attention, when others began taking their seats. Ha Jun sat across from her on her left, and she could feel his eyes quite easily tracking her every move. She heard Ms. Choi begin.

Previosuly Mrs. Choi had asked each person to find an insight, an inspiration that they may have encountered during the week and to focus and acknowledge that event. She went through the familiar motions of asking how each one is getting on, encouraging each person who can to share their thoughts regarding any hardships they may have encountered recently and if there were any potentially gainful insights that he or she may have gleaned from these. 

"Let it be something that placed a smile on your face, no matter how brief; a hope or a memory that made you forget some of your hardship even for just a passing minute. Many times we think of healing as a magical eraser, like someone would wave a wand and all that hurt just disappears. But that is not the case. We should look at healing as a slow progression, an insiduous movement. Day after day you might find that you have to tell yourself to get up, to move on, to take a breath, to take a step. That is perfectly acceptable and realistic. Give yourself a routine. One day, you might realize you need not remind yourself anymore to take a breath, to put one feet before the other, even to remind yourself to smile. This day will indeed come. 

Someone said grief is much like the pain of a cut; it can be quick, abrupt in its onset. Other times, you don't realize the depth of the cut until the sting has hit you full force later. But cuts do heal. It scabs over. And just like it's physical manifestation, healing can bring about it's own pain too. The skin contracts as it heals, to bring about closure. And though the pain may diminish in its intensity, some may still carry the scars for a long time. That is how it is with grief; we will always carry those scars in our heart. And much like one who feels the phantom pain of a lost limb, we too have those phantom pains even many, many years after the loss. And they will feel as real as the day it happened, though your scars may have healed and scabbed over. But it is a memory, lingering though it may be. You will be able to move on and you will be able to use your heart again to feel love little by little."

They heard about how Mrs. Sung and Mun Yee went through Mr. Sung's belongings; finally going through his clothes, his personal effects, and ended up finding treasures they didn't know he left behind. Mrs. Sung shared how she found her love letters; letters she wrote him when he was still in the army that he had kept, unbeknowst to her. There were only a few he kept hidden in a box underneath old clothing; the letters are quite old as evidenced by the fraying edges of the paper; the ink almost faded on some of them to be even  readable. They were likely the ones he treasured most. That day Mrs. Sung found those letters, she and Mun Yee shared many memories of Mr. Sung with each other. And even though it brought her much sadness and pain that he is gone, Mrs. Sung said it felt good talking about him, thinking about him out loud, to recall the love and experiences they had together.

"Contrary to what others think, we who grieve, do crave to hear the names of the loved ones we lost." Ms. Choi said. "Yes, it is painful, and yes we might not want to talk about it; but yes, we still do like to hear their names spoken, their memories recalled. People are wont to walk in eggshells around us after a loss of a loved one, as if they fear us breaking apart in front of them. But I will tell you this. I miss hearing my son's name called out loud. I want to know people still talk about him, think about him even though he is gone and no longer here with me. I want to hear how others remember him, even in all his imperfections and shortcomings. I want to know he is remembered. That even though he is long gone, I have not fully lost him, not when he continues to live in the memory of others." 

She paused to clear , noting how others are nodding along, agreeing and feeling some impact from her words. 

"A friend of mine told me once that our memories have a way of glossing over what happened, so that we recall only the most abject events in clarity. That is true, our memories are colored by the grief we experience. And it is so very difficult to move on, to remember the happy times when it is the grief that tends to overwhelm your every thought. What we can hope for someday is to recall the happy memories more and more, not quite replacing the grief but finding more comfort in thinking of our loved ones. Only then we can say we have taken that step forward to healing; that even though our hearts may still feel wearied and heavy, nevertheless the burden we carry is no longer rooted in memories of grief but rather in memories of love."

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During the session, several times Ha Jun and Seon Mi's eyes would meet. Ms. Choi's voice a quiet murmur in the background offering insights. She saw his eyes flicker when Ms. Choi mentioned the need to hear a loved ones' name, saw the slight intake of breath he took. She knew he carries this avoidance still. She noted how he glanced briefly down as if needing to gather himself together before looking back up to catch her eyes again. And she tried to convey to him through her eyes that he is not alone, not when she is there with him to see him through, not when she is there ready to hold his hand and walk with him through this path he needed to take.

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**** chapter cover credit phyungsik_pboyoung ****

**** story pic/ library kiss credit icemaiden21 *****

thank you always for sharing your fan edits.

my love always, m.