His palette was a mess of colors: pthalo blue and green, alizarine crimson, dark sienna, titanium white, cadmium red, burnt umber, black. He has a fresh new canvas up and he tackled the pristine sheet in front of him with vigor. He primed it with the mixture of the blue, black, green, and crimson on his palette, brushing it all over the canvas until it is covered in the dark paint mixture. He took a clean fan brush and started brushing across in sweeping motions, swirling the dark colors around. Dipping the same brush on white paint, he started tapping spiralling lines across. He alternated with various brushes and colors until an image of the Northern Lights is captured on the canvas, with its magical eddying colors of the night. He kept working, beads of sweat on his brows, paint smears on his cheeks, on his hands. Soon, a snowcapped mountain loomed on the horizon, the snow drifts catching the same hints of colors from the Northern Lights that swept the skies. He worked on it tirelessly, his mind lost in his painting, until hours later he stepped back to see the finished product. He captured the beauty and mysterious aspects of the Aurora, and as one stares at the painting, it was as if the lights themselves were moving, sweeping across the canvas so breathtaking and alive.

Ha Jun was breathing hard after his efforts, as if it took everything that he had in him to finish the painting. This in itself is a progress, for lately he has taken several days just to complete one. He remembered that time he went to Alaska, backpacking with Ha Jae, right after they graduated with honors from their respective universities. It was their reward to themselves, to travel together and see sights they've only heard about. Ha Jae had placed a camera on a tripod on the ground, fingers freezing as he tried to mount the contraption in the soft and powdery ground right after the recent snowfall. His laughter rang crystal clear in the quiet day-like night. He was always full of laughter, no matter the circumstances, unlike me, Ha Jun thought, who had grumbled at the need to take that extra trouble when a hand held selca would have been just fine. He remembered that photograph vividly; the colors of the lights behind them, the brothers in the foreground with arms looped around each other; the picture was slightly blurred from being out of focus, but Ha Jae's huge smile was visible and so was his own grin.

They had taken so many photographs during this trip, having travelled for months before returning and starting their adult life and responsibilities. He can't recall where these photographs went. Ha Jun moved to a smaller city, a smaller apartment, unable to stand the familiar faces and places, the emptiness of the surroundings they shared where everywhere he looked, it was Ha Jae's ghostly presence he saw. He must have boxed up all the photographs after clearing their old house. He had no need for the photographs, not then after Ha Jae was gone nor now. He didn't need any when his own mirror was a constant reminder, one that would not let him forget.

Ha Jun felt confined and left the stifling apartment. He decided to walk along the city unmindful of his destination. His eyes cataloguing automatically sights and scenes of the city; the way the evening lights played across the streets; the vibrant colors splashed by the setting sun. He found himself eventually on the bridge overlooking the city park, across from which the eastern tail of Han River is visible. From this vantage point, the sunset is poignantly beautiful. He had painted this scene before, mesmerized by the colors that danced in front of him. He had even recreated it after several requests came his way. Even now, his eyes followed the trail of the sun as it dipped slowly in the horizon, still fascinated by the hues of oranges and reds that tinged the skies much like the flush on the cheeks of a maiden.

He turned ready to walk back and saw a familiar face getting off the bus across the street. He just stood and watched as the girl walked the block down on the opposite road away from him. Something compelled him to follow, a curiosity. She was carrying a bulky bag with both hands, but her steps were light, unhurried. Her hair had come unbound in her progress and locks of it were carried by the breeze trailing behind her. She bowed slightly to others, those whose eyes she met, likely catching their stares as she walked past them.

She finally stopped at a doorway set between two shops and saw her ring the bell. Only a second or two passed and the door quickly opened, as if the person behind has been waiting eagerly. Mr. Do stepped out with a huge smile wreathing his face. Seon Mi handed over the bag she was carrying. Mr. Do sniffed at the bag appreciatively. They exchanged a few more words until she bowed and said her goodbyes, then turned to head back the same way she came. It looked as if this was a regular occurrence; their exchanges were comfortable though brief. She walked further until she passed a grocer's and stopped to purchase something.

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Seon Mi was humming to herself, warbling a half tune under her breath, focused on selecting tangerines on display. These were lovely bright oranges that caught her eyes when she passed by before and she was tempted to buy a few. The halmoni vendor handed her a bag and Seon Mi started placing tangerines inside. She must have placed more than the bag could handle, for the bag ripped and several tangerines fell and started rolling on the ground.

"Omona!" she exclaimed, setting the bag down and turned to chase after the ones that rolled away.

"Oh thank you," she exclaimed, seeing several roll further down, until stopped by a sneakered foot. She saw long tapering fingers pick them up and looked up to see Ha Jun. "It's you," was her startled greeting.

He walked over to her and placed the tangerines on her hands. "Hello to you too."

She flushed and mumbled, "I meant, Hi. I didn't expect to see you here." She turned to hand over the tangerines to the old lady and who held a larger plastic bag at the ready. 

"I was across the street when I saw you; good thing I came; I think those tangerines were making a run for it."

Seon Mi paid the lady and took the bag. "I'm glad you did. They must realize they will be eaten quite enjoyably."

"You must love them," he said, nodding at the bagful of fruit she is carrying, "did you buy several dozens?"

"Oh, I'm only going to keep some; they're really good. But I'll bring the rest to the Friday session. Here," handing him one she just peeled. 

"Thank you." He popped a piece in his mouth. The sweet and tartness of it bursting in his mouth was surprisingly refreshing. "Hmm these are good."

"I told you. That market sells really good fruits." Seon Mi said as she ate some too. 

"What are doing around here? Do you live close by?" she asked, handing another peeled fruit to him. Their fingers touched as he accepted the offered piece.

"No, not at all. I was just walking. I live over at 9th Street." 

Seon Mi raised her brows at this, "but that's miles away! Do you walk this far often?"

"To be honest, I wasn't paying attention. But I'm used to walking. And I like the view from the city park bridge. What about you?"

"Oh, I dropped off some meals for Mr. Do. I cook too much sometimes for just one person, so its easy enough to share with him." she shrugged after she noticed him looking. "It's no big deal and it means more to him than it should."

He glanced at her again; her words were spoken lightly but he read the studied nonchalance in them. She is very sweet, as he stared at her from the corner of his eyes, and beautiful, his mind added involuntarily.

He cleared his throat, saying "Are you headed back to your store or home?"

"It's actually one and the same. I have to catch the bus across the road over there." She said pointing at the bus stop a block away close to where the bridge Ha Jun had stood just moments ago.

"Here, I'll cross with you."

"Are you taking the bus too? I think you'll need the blue line not this green. The blue line would stop at juncture of 9th and Main street, I believe. Otherwise, you will have to make transfers if you take the green."

"I don't mind. I'm not in a rush and the evening is pleasant enough. I don't feel like heading home quickly anyway. Besides, it's been a while since I've ridden the bus."

They sat together, chatting about various casual things. He found out about her favorite books; she asked him about his travels. And their conversation continued on in the bus. 

"I wish I was artistic, but I can't even draw a straight line."

"I very much doubt that. Anybody can learn. I used to teach back when I was just starting out. You have an eye for things; I bet you'll do well."

"You think? I've always been fascinated by charcoals and inks, rather than paints. Maybe one day I'll try. The only art I do is when I'm icing the cakes." She grinned at him.

"See, you're doing some art already. I happen to have a sweet tooth. I bet whatever you make looks great, too, and not just taste delicious, if I were to go by the red velvet cupcakes you made last time."

She smiled at him shyly at that. "They're all right. Oh goodness, my stop is next. Are you going to be ok? You need to take the transfer at Sungdang station. Get off at Yangpyeong stop. There's a blue line there you can take. If you reach Gangdong, you will need to walk further for the transfer. 

"Sungdang station. Yangpyeong stop. Not Gangdong." He repeated.

Seon Mi looked at him askance. "Can I bottow your phone for a second?" She took his phone and started pressing numbers. "There, I put my number in. Don't get lost, ok."

He smiled, "that was the quickest move yet that I have ever had to do to get a girl's number," he quipped.

"Hmm. I very much doubt that." The bus lurched to a stop. "Aishh, But, I mean it. You can call me. Don't get lost." With a wave, she took off and out of the bus.

She stood below and gave him a wave. Ha Jun raised his hand to wave back; his eyes still following her as the bus resumed its run and Seon Mi had started walking away.

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She sat drying her hair and saw her phone notification was lighting up. She sat down and saw Ha Jun had texted her. 

Her phone rang.

"I've never had a pet, but I like dogs and cats," he said without preamble, continuing their chats without a pause.

"My cat says thanks by the way for calling instead of texting; I have a free hand to pet him now."

Romie cat had gone to her the minute she had sat down, plopping his furry self on her lap and would not be budged. He kept butting her hands while she texted asking to be petted. 

"Tell him it's my pleasure. Hope he remembers that when I meet him and not scratch me."

"He's my lovey." Seon Mi said, laying herself down and hugging the cat. He purred loudly in response.

"Is that him purring? He's that loud?"

"Yes, haha, he doesn't miaow. I mean, he's voiceless when he miaows but purring he's loud. He's always been like this since I adopted him a couple of years ago."

"How did you find him?" Ha Jun had reached his house minutes ago and had plopped himself in his sofa, his feet on the table. He found Seon Mi easy to talk to. The thought crossed his mind that it had been a while since he spoke with someone comfortably who isn't his therapist.

"I found him in an alley when I went to an antique store searching for books. I came out without books, but found a cat instead."

"Well then, it was meant to be."

"Yes, yes it was," she chuckled. "Do you paint or draw any animals, Ha Jun?"

"Very rarely. I do mostly scenescapes or stills when I paint. I prefer charcoal for any portraits."

"Do you mind if I ask what you're working on now? It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

"I don't mind. I have a showcase that's supposed to happen in 6 months. I'm working on those. I should say I'm trying to work on those."

"Are you stuck? Like ideas or just completing them?" Seon Mi knew she's slowly heading to sensitive subject matters and she doesn't want to plod through recklessly.

"I've been having trouble finishing up projects consistently, if that's what you're asking. You'd think since I'm barely sleeping anyway, I would at least get something done." A sigh escape him, loud enough to be heard by Seon Mi.

"I used to have a severe case of insomnia too, but I don't think I was anywhere near what you're experiencing." She paused then added softly, "when was the last time you slept, Ha Jun?"

"I don't remember...a few days ago I slept an hour, I think. That's all I've been able to manage at most, an hour here and there. Otherwise, it's just a futile effort laying down." 

"I remember during the session you said you were doing fine before, then all of a sudden you weren't sleeping."

"Yeah." 

"I'm not trying to pry... I'm sorry Ha Jun."

"No I know you're not. It's just hard to talk about it. I felt like I have not stopped talking about it when I really haven't, you know? Does that make sense?"

"Yes, I get that. I also remember feeling like, is there not a sign on my head saying 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'stop asking if I'm ok' something like that. I lost my friend who's been a sister to me; we grew up together. She died a few years ago and there are still days I feel like it just happened yesterday."

"It has been like that for me lately. I lost my brother in a freak accident. There was no closure, just poof, gone."

"I understand. It was much harder being a twin too, I think? There's that inherent connection to begin with."

They were quiet for a bit, then Seon Mi asked, "how alike are you?"

And Ha Jun paused, not because he was unable to speak, it was because there was just too much he could say but he knew not where to begin. Part of him did not want to think of Ha Jae; avoiding the sharp shearing pain that usually comes with thoughts of his brother. But part of him needed to speak his name too. Since he has isolated himself, living away from the city where they knew common people and shared friends, he didn't have to talk about him much. He would only speak of Ha Jae with Dr. Kim. And even then, the pain of these memories seemed not to have diminished one whit.

"Not much, I think. We only look alike, that's the thing we shared." His voice is soft, recalling his brother.

Seon Mi is quiet, afraid to break into his thoughts; she knew how difficult it is to open up to someone you barely knew, but at the same time, it carries an almost relief that the person is someone new, one who didn't know you. It affords one an almost anonymity that felt safe. 

"He was a people person, quick to make friends, you know? I was quieter. He was approachable and so full of life. It suited him, being a teacher. He was an accomplished musician, a true artist."

"Do you play any instrument too, Ha Jun?"

"Me? Not much. We grew up learning to play the piano, but that was his calling. I veered to a different kind of arts. I haven't played the piano for a long time, not since he has gone." He gave a sad chuckle, "There's alot of things I haven't done for a long time."

There was silence for a while but not an uncomfortable silence. Each one knew how it feels when comfronted by the loss, when talking about one's loss.

"What about you, Seon Mi? Your friend was like a sister you said," Ha Jun finally asked.

"Yes. Nam Sun. We grew up together, went to school together. Her family took me in after my grandmother died."

"Your parents?"

"I've never been really clear what happened to them. All I know was that my halmoni raised me until she passed away; I was 10. Nam Sun and I had been friends from school. Even then she had a forceful personality. Her parents took me in, thanks to her."

"How along ago has she been gone, Seon Mi?"

"Almost 2 years now. I started going to the sessions sometime last year after reading about it. I had a customer who came by and left a flyer in the store. I was curious enough, desperate enough. Before that I had buried myself in books like a hermit. Maybe it was Nam Sun telling me to move on, I don't know. But I'm glad I did. It has helped quite a bit."

"I'm seeing a therapist who recommended this group session. I've started seeing her close to a year now. I feel like I'm getting hardly any progress."

"It may not seem like it, Ha Jun, but you are. I don't feel like I've moved on either; I still have a ton of emotional baggage, but I do feel at least I can see a bit of my future now. I could hardly see that then."

"Contrary to what others might think, losing sleep has never been my biggest problem... I'm losing my vision, my sense of direction, Seon Mi...I.. I've lost a part of me after losing Ha Jae; if I lose my art, what else is there left of me?"

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