They lived in a maddening paradox. The domestic quality that they’d both shared so long ago had returned, but at the same time they’d been the ones that changed. Metal heated and forged into the same form it’d once held. A mere replica of what they were. They’d both suffered their chips and scratches; she knew in time, with care, that they’d buff out the harm their past had inflicted on them. For now she settled on keeping her sharp edges away from their budding relationship. 

     Wendy insisted that they reside in their respective bedrooms. They lived together along with the other members. And while everyone knew, she still wasn’t comfortable being overly affectionate with Irene around the dorm. And though it would’ve been easier to move into Irene’s single room, they were still tentatively going about a new relationship.  It was important to, in her mind, maintain some semblance of space. She also need space simply to keep her sanity.

     Sometimes she fell into moments where she forgot that they’d actually worked out. She still found moments, little and usually insignificant, where she’d find herself enraptured with Irene’s beauty. In those moments she’d look away scared to be caught, like she couldn’t touch, like Irene hadn’t declared herself her’s. And sometimes Irene would take notice of the prolonged stare, taken by how cute Wendy could be, and she’d grab her hand and she’d kiss her. Wendy found it decreasingly difficult to not flinch at the contact. 

     For as nice as the initial night had been, they both needed to learn how to nourish a healthy relationship. It was all about finding the balance between work and play. Knowing that they couldn’t always make proper time for each other, that they couldn’t usually go out on dates together, that they’d rarely have time alone. They made a resolution to make the time they could spend together worth it. Worth the stain of scheduling when they could do mundane things like watching movies together. Worth the pain they’d been through. Worth the fear that maybe they wouldn’t work out. 

     Wendy could privately admit to herself that she wasn’t always completely sure of their relationship. There weren’t a lot of personal examples for how she worked within dating, and the ones she had weren’t exactly always positive. Beyond doubts in herself, she couldn’t hope to predict Irene. The girl was a quite sense of calculation, always giving off the impression of knowing the people around her, and remaining unreadable herself. But Wendy rationalized that Irene made her reckless enough to trust in her. 

     For as hectic as her thoughts were, the pair had slowly fallen into a rhythm. It was in the way the they moved around each other in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for the others in a dance. The way words flowed from her lips on behalf of them both while Irene held a steady hand on her back. When Wendy would spend hours in the practice room, singing until ached, and Irene would make time to bring her soothing tea. There were days too in which Irene would tirelessly perfect dance after dance to come home completely exhausted, and Wendy would quitely enter -sometimes with a baked good- and offer a much needed massage. 

     But not everything was peaches and cream. She figured the ever perceptive Irene had either caught onto her reservations or was just playing hot and cold to drive her crazy. One day Irene would be overly affectionate, in the way Wendy would never admit she loved, but like the flip of a switch Irene wouldn’t even look at her. And at first Wendy tried to take this all in stride, but the behavior didn’t seem to wane. She never expected Irene to be this way in a relationship. That’s not to say she thought Irene would share anything and everything with her, she knew the girl was prone to bouts of silence, but purposefully being passive aggressive? Where was the fearless leader that dealt with problems head on? 

     Irene was on another cold streak so it took longer than she’d hoped to -corner- talk to her girlfriend. Things has been even more rocky since her trip with Seulgi. Leave it to the editing team to make a vacation with her best friend look like a damn honeymoon for newlyweds. 

     Wendy managed to catch her after hours in Irene’s single room. She made herself comfortable on the pillow top mattress, waiting for the leader. Before she properly gathered her thoughts, the door to all of her fears opened. In reality it was just the bedroom door, but that didn’t sound as good in her head. And she was kind of freaking out and she was also grasping at the short straws that were her thoughts, because it turned out that impulse decisions were bad. And wow she had absolutely no idea how to start this very serious conversation. Now they both looked like deer in headlights, and there was a tension in the room that was oddly reminiscent of the night of their first kiss. It was time to bite the bullet. 

 “Why have you been avoiding me?” She didn’t quite feel brave but it was obviously too late to second guess herself. 

     Irene’s eyes hardened in the dim light. Something dangerous flashing behind her calm facade. Wendy could see the muscles working in her jaw. 

 “So you were able to see that passed those high walls of yours, Seungwan.” Irene stepped closer. A lioness stalking prey that believed otherwise.

 “What do you mean? Just tell me why you’re acting like this.” 

 “Because just when I thought you were finally mine, you shy away from me -from this relationship. Then you run around with Seulgi and you look happier with her than you do with me!” Wendy could see the tears gathering in those eyes. 

     Wendy felt her entire being stop. She’d never intended to hurt Irene especially when she agreed to this. Honestly she’d still been trying to make up for the whole party girl phase she put Irene through. And sometimes it was hard to enjoy her time with Irene over all of the guilt. She’d tainted Irene, muddling the vibrancy of her life and she hated herself for it.

     It’s funny, even when she was in high school, crushing innocently on every pretty girl that ran in her social circle. She’d always been the ‘helpful’ friend. In all of those silly school girl fantasies she’d always seen herself as the ‘nice guy’ role, it helped that she never got the girl in the end. But she’d hurt a lot of people. What happened to the hero? She wasn’t the shoulder to lean on. She was the reason those girls cried. She was the hot shot, the person parents didn’t want their daughters to end up with. 

     The part that was most ed up? She couldn’t remember how she’d ended up like that. Or maybe using the past tense was inappropriate. Apparently no matter who it was she’d still managed to hurt them. She’d tried to keep her edges away from Irene, too afraid of hurting her again, but it all garnered the same ending. 

      Was it even worth it anymore?

     Wouldn’t Irene be better off without her?

     It was selfish, but she didn’t want to let Irene go. If she came to terms with the person she was now, she could be honest and admit that the only way she’d accept a breakup is if Irene demanded it. 

     Irene’s hands wiped her cheeks. She hadn’t realized that tears had streaked down her face, but now they couldn’t seem to stop. “I’m sorry Irene.” An obnoxious sob ripped from . 

 “I just don’t know who I am. I’m trying to figure out how to be like this with you.” She desperately grasped onto Irene’s shirt.

  “Irene, I love you.” It was the first time she’d said that in a long time.

 “I’m so sorry!”

      Irene could feel the raw emotion in Wendy’s voice. And she took a moment to ground herself. They could work through this. But they’d need to open up and it’d be new for them both. But if it meant she could be with Wendy, she’d do anything.

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 oof took forever to write cause I’m at a loss with this. But aye check out the new on going story Let Me Know,,, I think that’s the name I came up with but I don’t really know. For now this ends the story, and a chapter of my life. 

Onto the next crush. This one is straight and we basically act married and go on solo dinner dates together. It’s every fanfic trope. She even wanted to be my fake- girlfriend to make my ex jealous. 

 Why is my life one slow burn fanfic? Where is my author? Can I beat them up?