Wendy didn’t know if she wanted to take that step with Irene. There were things to consider; this was the last change at whatever they could have, and she was admittedly terrified. Should they fail, she wasn’t sure if she would be able to stomach being in the group. That in itself was troubling; these girls had been her family for years. This group, and being an idol was her life. The dances controlled her breathing, the schedules dictated her sleep, the managers even told her how much to eat. She hadn’t put up with the blood, sweat, and tears just to end up as another nameless face. She’d never wanted anything more, until Irene showed up. 

     She wasn’t only blaming Irene however. The part she played would always bring her back. How could she fall for someone so out of reach? At first, she’d thought it was because of Irene’s orientation; now she guessed that it was only the latter’s distrust in them that caused the riff. In some ways that only brought more questions. If Irene loved her then why hadn’t she trusted her in the first place? Hadn’t she proved herself all those years? Instead all of those moments she’d spent dotting over the other had been spat on. 

      It was almost like Irene loved to keep her in this purgatory; almost being loved and then tossed away, only to drag her right back. Maybe she didn’t want to love someone that could toy with her so easily. Maybe the taste of Irene was all she needed. Maybe now she could move on, curiosity satiated. To believe that, she’d have to be blind again. But heartbreak had hardened her.

     If she chose to accept Irene, could she really trust their love? Would she live in fear that one day Irene would abruptly end things? Hell, what kind of healthy relationship starts out with their circumstances? What would that say about her if she took back someone who had hurt her so much?

     But for all of the doubts, part of her remained petulantly on Irene’s side. Crushing that side would only be hurting herself. 

     She didn’t have the heart to say no, and she’d lost the will to say yes. She was exhausted. She hated her own indecisiveness, she loathed the fact that she could love at all. Love was overrated, a toxic cycle of bliss and pain. A drug she willingly went back to time and time again even when it destroyed her; burning from the inside out. A flame that kept drawing her in so it could reduce her souls to ashes.  It followed in sleep, in thought, in everything, haunting her. The highs were intense and the lows were unbearable. No matter how desperately she wanted it to end, she couldn’t force it to leave her. 

     Irene hadn’t let up on her either. Everywhere she turned the older girl was there, offering a coat, preparing her food, smiling at her in that special way. Even after a week, Irene’s efforts persisted. She could feel her walls chipping away stone by stone, and with it her chest aches more and more. Keeping Irene close hurt, pushing her further away killed her.

—————

“You should just say yes. God, you’re so confusing! Isn’t this what you wanted?”

     Wendy rolled her eyes, most times Seulgi didn’t deserve her sass, but really that was not what she wanted to hear. “You’re the worst!” She paused to smile, “you’re my best friend. Tell me that I need to stay away from her! Tell me that I don’t need her. Come on, Seul.” The bear was really awful at this whole ‘girl talk’ thing.

 “You don’t need her.” Seulgi paused to play with the hem of her sweatshirt, “but you do want her. And you know that there’s no one else for you but her. You need to stop hurting yourself, Wan. Stop thinking so far ahead and just live. I care about you both and now that the timing is right you could both have something real.”

 “I don’t want to depend on her or anyone also for my own happiness.” Seungwan had taken ahold. “Seul, I’m tired of putting myself in a position where she’s the only thing that makes me happy. People are too fickle.”

     Seulgi sighed, it was clear to both of them that this was going nowhere. “Fine. But you at least owe her an answer.”

 “I know.” 

—————

     The air in the dorm was crisp. Nights clung to every corner of the small kitchen. The silence no longer bothered her. She’d grown used to keeping her own company. In fact, it had become a comfort. She could handle herself, she knew who she was; it was other people that made her anxious. It was the unknown that scared her. Silence was more telling than the actions of others.

     So here she was. Sat on the counter, feet suspended above the floor, she allowed herself to breath properly. There was no snack in hand, she hadn’t really felt hungry in a while, her mind occupied.

     Like ripples on the water, the peace was disturbed by the soft patter of feet. She knew those footfalls. The root of her troubles had materialised in front of her. This Irene however wasn’t a threat. This was the softer side, the side that had hair mused from sleep and a far away look. Almost as if sensing Wendy’s discomfort, Irene placated the other, “I just needed a glass of water.” An unspoken agreement that she wouldn’t press Wendy at this hour.

     But Wendy realized that anything Irene did was a threat to her walls. The slight rasp in the leaders voice, the hushed intimate tone. She fought the want to bottle up this moment to save it for later. Irene had taken refuge on the counter across from her. They sat in near silence. It wasn’t strained, but she no longer sought for these moments. It was almost too intimate for her. The atmosphere had taken on a whimsical tint; the type that could be found in a late night conversation at a sleep over. The same kind that made people want to open up and bare their souls.

     Always a step ahead, Irene anticipated the thoughts that ran through her head. With a sigh she chanced to question, “so have you thought about it?”

 “I have.” She knew her answer was insignificant. It did nothing to quell either of them. 

 “Well what do you think?” She drank from her cup. “I’m not giving up either way.”

     Wendy wanted to look away from those damn eyes. She was being pulled in by a force stronger than gravity and she didn’t want to fall. They’d always joked that looking into Irene’s eyes would make anyone fall in love with her, but the truth was too close to heart. She could barely get a sound out.

 “It’s just a yes or no question. Do you want to try with me? Do you want to be together for all of our ups and downs?” She slid from the counter, walking closer to her with every second. Irene kept walking until she came before her, hands daintily resting on her own. “Because, Seungwan, Ive had time to think about it. I don’t think there can ever be anyone else for me.”

     Seeing as wendy remained unmoved, she continued, “because you’re the only one that has made me feel like this. You’re the only one that can make me jealous; that can bring me to unbelievable heights; that can rip my heart to shreds. You’re the only one that can make me feel all of this and still bring me back to you.”

”then how could you leave me like that before? How can you say all of these things and still have hurt me like that? How can I trust your feelings?” Wendy blinked back the stinging in her eyes. 

“Wendy, I was scared and unsure. It hurt to see you like that. I just want us to stop hurting each other. I will spend every day proving to you how much I want you; all of you.” Irene gripped onto her arms- almost desperately. 

     Wendy hoped that she wouldn’t die if she took this leap. “Okay.”

     Irene almost couldn’t believe her ears. “You- wait- what?”

 “Let’s try this; together.”

      Tears erupted form Irene in the form of sobbs. And for the first time in a long while Wendy allowed herself to hold the older woman.

———————

 Hey guys this is a pretty long chapter but I hope you enjoyed, let me know if you’d be okay with me ending it here or if you want me to continue on for maybe another few chapters. Anyway, my gf and I broke up but I’m not even sad abt it. Tbh my very pretty straight friend has basically assumed the role of my super domestic wife and it’s equally parts great and weird. Let’s hope I don’t become the stereotype and fall for a straight girl. It’s hard though, like she comes over and cooks me dinner (cause I’m living alone this summer) and like takes me places and we’re even going on a vacation to another state pretty soon. Oof this was a long author’s note, sorry.