Irene could remember a time when she was brave. Eyes were always on her. Just walking down the halls of her old school was enough to steel her nerves. There was a time in her life when she saw opportunities at hand and she took them with little hesitation. She became an idol, knowing full well what she’d have to look forward to, and she still persisted.

     It felt like she’d lost herself along the way, she just didn’t know when. Maybe she had gotten into the complacency of being told what to do, where to be, what to say. Her own will had atrophied. She supposed that she really didn’t know about herself anymore. So many things had changed.

     The old her would have spoken up for what she wanted. The new her didn’t even know what she wanted, or at the very least wouldn’t admit it. She didn’t deserve to step in. Wendy wasn’t her’s. And yet, seeing Taeyeon there had brought everything painfully into perspective. She was a coward.

     Sometimes changes in life slipped by unnoticed. Other times, the significance of a single choice was glaringly obviously. This was probably one of the latter. Seungwan had always over thought, it was her nature. She could see herself as the part of the hero, overcoming obstacles to get her princess. But things were much more complicated than that. She wasn’t so sure of who her princess was; the girl she loved or the girl that she might grow to love. She wasn’t sure what the obstacle was; Taeyeon wrecking the progress she had made with Irene or if it was her love for Irene in the first place. Honestly, she didn’t even know if she was the hero anymore.

     As lame as it sounds, she made a mental pros and cons list. It was the most rational way to deal with a problem that defied logic and reason. On one hand she could never hope to have her love reciprocated by Irene. On the other hand she didn’t know if she could help fix Taeyeon. Her selfish side argued that Irene had never helped her when everything went south, that the leader had left her out to drown by herself and Taeyeon had given her reprieve in her time of need. By all means, even if things with Taeyeon  weren’t perfect they were at least good. Did she want to stay alone or did she want companionship? It was human nature to seek out stability in a pair. So did she fight against her gut and pick to stay by Irene’s side like a damn lap dog? Or was it better to take a chance? 

     She glanced down at her shoes neatly lined up next to purple keds. A surge of impulsiveness washed over her. Without a word, she slipped on her worn vans and stood. “I’ll see you guys later.” And with that she grabbed Taeyeon and walked out of the door, high on adrenaline. She didn’t know what this would bring but she would throw herself into it wholeheartedly. At least this way she might be able to feel again.

     Taeyeon had waited, agonizing, over the final decision. She knew who Wendy would choose. She had watched the interactions between the two group members for years, on and off screen. She’d be a fool to say that what Wendy felt for Irene was anything less than love. In those fugitive glances, she could tell that Irene loved the girl back just as much. Even back when the girls were trainees, and Wendy admired her while brandishing the biggest, most obvious, crush on her; she could tell where Wendy’s heart really was. And, of course, she had still flirted with her. It had been fun. But fun snowballed into something a little more and in time it had progressed to love. Which .

      She knew that Wendy would never truely be hers, yet she still persisted. It pained her to know that she was only ever an escape to the younger girl. But the part of her that loved the attention clung to the fact that she was the one Wendy had turned to. Irene may have Wendy’s heart, but she had Wendy’s attention; she had her first. The knowledge was not enough but it helped soothe the ache in her chest. As much as she didn’t want to settle for second best, she couldn’t bare to see her in pain, alone.

     Leaving hand in hand was the last thing she expected. It wasn’t like they were dating. Wendy was simply helping her out. At least that was what she tried to remind herself over the thunderous feeling of triumph. Wendy wasn’t hers. But for tonight, for however long this lasted, it was just the two of them.

      and then dinner was definitely out of order but who was complaining? After going back to Taeyeon’s they snuck out to a 24 hour convince store. The streets were barren at this hour of the night and exhaustion has set in long before but there was no other place Taeyeon would rather be in this moment. Under the flickering glow of neon lights with a cup of soup shared, she felt whole. At least mostly full. She couldn’t understand why even though she had won, even though she had Wendy, why she could still feel the emptiness. It was harder to live in an illusion than she initially thought.

     Wendy tried to push all thoughts of Irene out of her mind. She wanted to focus on the older girls presence. The way Taeyeon made her feel. Sweet, caring, charming Taeyeon. It was nice being out of the dorm like this. She wanted to live in a world where just this could be real. It would be so much better this way. 

     Taeyeon slurped a mood messily, painting her chin in broth and they both chuckled. The chuckles soon turned in to hearty laughs. The first real laughs either of them had had in a while. Yeah, maybe this could be it.

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Hey guys, I’d just like to apologize for the incredibly long time it took to update this. I had hit a block with this chapter cause I didn’t want it to end so soon, so hopefully this is alright. Anyway, how has everyone been?