Yoongi was tired. Exhaustion flowed through his skin, his bones, his soul. Feeling so dramatically tired, he found the will to drag himself up the flight of stairs and into his apartment that he shared with the ever nagging Kim Seokjin.

He crashed on the couch and his phone. He typically liked to keep it off when working, but since he was done, he figured he’d meander through Twitter for a bit.

Immediately his phone was bombarded by messages. Most of them from Hoseok. Yoongi smiled and read the last one.

I love you.

Goodnight Yoongi.

Goodnight Hoseok, he started to text a response.

“Welcome back.”

Jin’s voice made Yoongi look up from his phone.

“Hey.”

“You hungry?”

Yoongi shook his head. “Just tired.”

Jin grabbed his wrist and yanked him up. “Eat anyway.”

“Fine.” Yoongi sighed, letting himself be dragged to the living room. Jin was always bossy and stubborn, once he got an idea in his head he never let it drop. It was how he had convinced Yoongi to invest in plants which now littered their apartment balcony, making it resemble a jungle.

Jin led him to the kitchen table where they ate tofu soup quietly.

After a couple of slurps Yoongi spoke up. “It’s good.”

“I know.”

Yoongi managed a smile. Jin on top of being bossy and stubborn was also very self confident in himself. It was something Yoongi envied and found aggravating at the same time.

“You’ve seen Hoseok yet?”

“No.”

“Yoongi, I’m worried about him. He’s not like you, he doesn’t repress his feelings. He’s sad and you can see it.”

Yoongi furrowed his eyebrows. “He never told me he was sad.”

“I don’t think he wants to be a burden to you.”

“Oh…” Hoseok had always been the one texting him cheerful, loving messages Yoongi had never stopped to think that it was a lie. He felt guilt gnaw at him. “I’ll see him tomorrow okay?”

Jin cleared up his plate. “Don’t do this for me, do it for him. More importantly do it for you.”

“Me?”

“Yes you need some love in you, man. You look like a zombie.”

“A loveless zombie?” Yoongi grinned as Jin left to the kitchen.

“Yes.” Jin called.

“Alright hyung, alright…”

Yoongi looked back at his phone and finished typing his reply to Hoseok.

Goodnight Hoseok.

I love you even more.

“Hey hyung.” Namjoon opened the door to his and Hoseok’s dorm and greeted Yoongi with a dimpled smile.

Yoongi smiled and went passed him seeing Hoseok scrambling throughout his side of the room, his back towards them. He turned and smiled. “Hey Jin hyun… oh .”

Yoongi didn’t like the way that Hoseok’s smile faded to a confused pout, his eyebrows pulling together.

“Hey Hobi.” He smiled trying to get Hoseok to look at him like he used to when they would meet up.

Hoseok managed a small smile. “Hey.”

“I’m out.” Namjoon on the other side of the room called, heading toward the door.

Hoseok looked over Yoongi and waved with a wider smile than Yoongi had gotten. Yoongi felt something twinge in his gut as the door closed and Hoseok’s body stiffened.

Yoongi wondered if he just needed to snap him back into it. He leaped at Hoseok, kissing him roughly.

Hoseok pushed away. “Whoa there, you kind of came unexpectedly.”

“You missed me?” Yoongi breathed planting a kiss on Hoseok’s long, golden neck.

“Yeah, but I was actually heading out right now.”

Hoseok managed to pull away and go back to shuffling books into his book bag.

“Jin said you were looking sad.”

“So you only come here because Jin hyung told you to?” Hoseok turned back, eyebrows raised.

“Of course not.” Yoongi lied.

“Yoongi…” Hoseok could see right through it. “I thought you would have come on your own terms. Guess I was wrong to think so highly of you, huh?”

“What?”

Hoseok shook his head. “You’re about as romantic as a Tindr date.”

“You know I’m not good at... feelings. ”

“Neither am I!” Hoseok protested, the disappointment in his eyes turning into anger. “But at least I’m trying!”

“What do you want me to do?”

Hoseok zipped up his bag and walked to the door. “It’s not what I want to do, it’s what you want to do.”

He then opened the door and left Yoongi there, confused. The twinge in his gut now turning into an ache.

He had messed up.

On his way out of the dorm building, he ran into Jimin.

“Hyung!” Jimin hugged him tightly. “It feels like it’s years!”

Yoongi patted his head. “How’s Taehyung and Jungkook?”

“They’re good. Annoying as usual. How are you and  Hoseok hyung?”  

The question was harmless, yet Yoongi felt the ache in his gut get stronger. “Uh…”

Jimin hummed, understanding immediately. “You know he’s been missing you. I know it’s not my place to say but--”

“No actually, do you got time?”

Jimin beamed and nodded eagerly.

“Let’s go get a coffee.” Yoongi smiled at the boy’s excited expression. So unlike Hoseok’s.

They walked to the local school cafe and ordered drinks. Yoongi sticking to his simple iced black coffee, that had gotten him through college, and Jimin getting the latest popular fad drink. In this case it was a Unicorn frappe.

Jimin took a sip then made a face and pushed it aside. “So hyung, what did you want to talk about?”

“Hoseok’s mad.” Yoongi explained. “I’m not really good at…”

“Affection?”

“We hug.”

“...?” Jimin brought his voice down to a whisper.

Yoongi smirked.

Jimin blushed. “Oh God, I didn’t need to ask that.”

“Its feelings Jimin.” Yoongi answered. “Or just communicating feelings in general.”

“Oh well, Taehyung and I are experts in that.” Jimin waved.

“What should I do then? Hoseok wants something from me, but he wants me to do it myself.”  

“He wants a romantic gesture, hyung.” Jimin explained taking another sip of his drink and immediately making a face.

“But what?”

“Just do something for him.” Jimin shrugged.

“But what should I do for him?”

Jimin shook his head. “That’s up to you hyung.”

Yoongi sighed.

“That’s what relationships are hyung, everything is up to you. It’s your responsibility, other people can’t control it.”

Yoongi cracked a smile. “When did you get so wise?”

Jimin gave another shrug and attempted a third sip of the drink. Yoongi pulled it away.

“Enough, I’ll get you something else.” Yoongi stood up. “I owe you for this advice.”

“Thanks hyung.” Jimin smiled in relief. “That tasted like cavities and root canals.”

“So chocolate dipped strawberries and whipped cream?”

“Yoongi, I’m on my break.”  Jin’s irritated tone came through the phone. Yoongi ignored it. Jin had burst into his studio plenty of times when he had been working. It seemed fair he’d return the favor.

“So?” He pressed.

“So, I’m trying to eat my 2 day old Chinese takeout in peace. Also no food. You’re trying to be romantic and Hoseok isn’t the food type. I am though, in case you ever need to make something up to me.”

Yoongi could almost see the wink Jin had given after saying that last sentence. He cringed.

“Be serious.”

Jin sighed. “When will my roommate ever reciprocate my feelings?”

Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“Try to be subtle. Flowers or those new pair of Nikes he’s been eyeing for two months already.” Jin said.

“Thank…” Yoongi was then cut off and he smiled. Jin was nice enough,  but he wasn’t one to mess around if he needed to get something done. In this case it was his lunch.

He quickly slid out of the comfort of the couch and raced into the bedroom for his wallet.

The next evening he raced to Hoseok and Namjoon’s dorm. He had been waiting for Hoseok’s classes and dance practices to be over in order to hand his romantic gesture to him in person.

He felt his palms grow sweaty as he gripped the box of Nike shoes. He didn’t remember feeling this kind of nervousness before. Yoongi had liked to thing his relationship was a solid thing in his life that just existed without uncertainty. But now...it was like anything could happen.

He knocked and Namjoon opened the door. He let him in with a smile and Yoongi realized he was alone.

“Where’s Hoseok?”

“I think he went to a party.”  Namjoon replied sitting down on his bed. He picked up the book he had discarded to the side.

“A party?”

“I think it was one of the dancer’s birthday.”

“Oh.”

“He didn’t text you?” Namjoon put the book on his lap and looked at him with his eyebrows narrowed.

“.” Yoongi scrambled through his jeans and pulled out his phone. He switched it on and immediately texts came in.

Hey Yoongs.

Sorry for being in a rush yesterday. And for being snappy. I just missed you.  And when you showed up I got confused.

I’m going to a party tonight. I would really like it if you came.

I love you my grumpy turtle.

Yoongi then read the other texts.

Hey so are you coming?

“…” Yoongi whispered.

Guess not, sorry for distracting you from work.

“ ! ” Yoongi fought the urge to throw his phone to the ground. Instead he clenched it in his hands.

“You didn’t text back?” Namjoon guessed.

“I thought work would try and bug me so I turned it off.”

“You didn’t go to work?”

Yoongi shrugged. “I took the day off.”

“You asked for the day off right?” Namjoon asked. Concern reflecting his mono lidded eyes making them wider.

Yoongi didn’t answer and walked over to Hoseok’s bed, placing the shoe box on it.

“Hyung, that could cost you your job.”

Yoongi chuckled darkly and left, but not before saying. “Job’s costing me my relationship, Nam. Something’s got to give.”

When he came through the door of his apartment, Jin was cooking. He could already hear sizzling and the savory smells wafting through the air.

He trudged into the kitchen and rested his forehead on Jin’s broad shoulder.

Jin laughed and pet his head. “You’re such a baby.”

Yoongi didn’t answer and didn’t move letting himself lean on Jin and follow him around the kitchen as he cooked.

Jin didn’t seem to mind until he went to sit on the couch and he almost ended up sitting on Yoongi.

“Alright that’s enough moping.” Jin stood over Yoongi. “What happened?”  

Yoongi curled up on the couch and looked at the ceiling. “I’m a terrible person.”

“Because?”

“I don’t communicate, I rarely give affection, and I haven’t touched myself in two months much less him.” Yoongi explained, before adding, “Oh and I’m not romantic.”

“All valid points.” Jin agreed with a nod.

“Hyung you .” Yoongi scowled, giving him a glare.

“And you swallow.”

He and Yoongi exchanged a smile.

“Did you buy the shoes?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s see what happens then.” Jin gave his cheek a pinch before heading back to the kitchen. “Don’t lose hope.”

Jin threw the box of shoes at Yoongi the next afternoon as he napped.

Yoongi eyed the box beside him then pushed it off letting it fall to the floor. “.”

“You done ed up good this time.”

“Thanks hyung.” Yoongi gave him an eye roll before sitting up.

Jin left with a grimace and once left alone, Yoongi hunched his shoulders. He had really messed up now.

Hoseok hadn’t even opened his gift. He could see the packaging it came in unopened.

He hadn’t even tried to hear out his apology.

Was Hoseok done with me?

There was only one way to know for sure now.

He picked up the box and slipped on some shoes. The package burning into his under arm, as a reminder of his up,  as he left out the door, ignoring Jin’s order for him to have breakfast.

Everything could wait, Hoseok couldn’t.

“Hyung?” Namjoon squinted at him, rubbing his eyes.

“He here?”

Namjoon seemed to awaken at that. He bit his lip. “Hyung…”

Yoongi pushed past him. “Hoseok!”

“Yoongi?” Hoseok was sitting up in bed, his hair a mess and his eyes half closed. Beer cans and bottles of soju were strewn throughout the floor and there was even one beside Hoseok as if he had nestled with it.

“Hyung, maybe you should come back another time, there’s a lot going on right now.” Namjoon said.

Yoongi eyed the bottles and cans. “I can see that.”

“Get out, Yoongi.” Hoseok seemed to regain his consciousness and commanded in a firm tone.

“Hoseok why did you drink so much?” Yoongi came up to him and  attempted to touch his cheek. “You know you can’t handle your alcohol.”

Hoseok flinched and pulled away from him.

Yoongi sat on the bed and reached for him again. Hoseok pushed him off.

“Stop!”

Yoongi got up in shock. Hoseok had never acted like this from his touches. In fact it was the opposite. He always seemed to press closer, wanting more. He had always said Yoongi was his savior. Always there to take care of him and give him comfort.

“I came to apologize.” Yoongi spoke up, setting the box at Hoseok’s feet. The man didn’t even spare it a glance, merely kept his eyes on the bed sheets. “I know I’ve been a little... careless .”

“A little?” Hoseok glared up at him.

“I’ve been neglecting you and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

“No you shouldn’t be.” Yoongi didn’t like the pools of sadness that Hoseok’s eyes became. Guilt and shame flooded him. “It was me.”

“I want attention. Maybe I want it too bad…” Hoseok murmured.

“Hoseok…” Yoongi reached for him again.

Hoseok turned to the wall his bed was pressed up against. “I can’t…”

“What?”  Yoongi felt a rush a fear. What was Hoseok saying?

“I got so depressed last night...I drank-- we drank.” Hoseok explained.

Yoongi turned to look at Namjoon who avoided his gaze and looked through his bookshelf by the foot of his bed instead.

“What happened?” Yoongi asked.

“We…”

“Hoseok…” Namjoon spoke up then looked away when Yoongi stared. His shoulders were hunched and his whole demeanor seemed to scream guilt.

“What happened?” Yoongi demanded. A million thoughts flashed through his mind of Hoseok in bed with Namjoon. Namjoon, who was their best friend. Namjoon, who was Jin’s everything. Hoseok, who was his.

No…

“We kissed.”

Yoongi wanted to scream. He wanted to throw something. He wanted to shake Hoseok and demand the truth. But the way Hoseok looked so broken after saying it, it was true.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry. It just happened. I think we were both drunk and sad and lonely and I miss Jin and Hobi misses--”

“I’m not telling Jin.” Yoongi cut in. Namjoon seemed to flinch like he had been hit. “Tell him yourself.”

He then kicked a nearby can and left, refusing to look at Hoseok again.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot! Yoongi hit the front tire of his car. Hot tears streamed down his face and he realized that this was the first time in a while that he’d cried.

I’m an idiot..  

All the insecurities of never amounting to anything came to him. He had tried so hard in school, in work. He had wanted to make something of himself. Yet, he had lacked that passion for Hoseok.

Hoseok…

Yoongi let more tears fall.

I’m sorry. I should have been a better person. I should have tried more.