Before you read there is trigger present in this chapter please skip this chapter if it makes you uneasy. Thank you 

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In middle of the doorway Jungkook stood frozen. He didn’t know what to think about the things unfolding in front of him. His hyung sat on the cold floor and his shirt was falling off his shoulder. The doe-eyed male couldn’t comprehend why the older had his two fingers down his throat and was gagging loudly. He could clearly hear Jimin sniffing and the tears rolled down his cheeks. Jungkook didn’t know what came over him, was it guilt or anger? When he had changed Jimin’s clothes the other day, he hadn’t imagined things turning out like this. He had thought the older was just not eating properly, what he tended to do every year on his parent’s anniversary.

“Hyung?” Jimin froze when he heard the younger and the two fingers were deep in his throat. He had hoped that the younger would sleep through the night like he always did. He knew Jungkook was a deep sleeper. ‘Why is he awake today? Luck is not on my side tonight.’ Jimin thought. The older male slowly pulled his fingers out and the newly formed tears in his eyes started to spill. He feared the younger will hate him now. The image he had in Jungkook’s eyes was gone and now the other would despise him and maybe even abandon him. He was sure of it.

Jimin slowly went away from the toilet seat. He didn’t dare making an eye contact with Jungkook because he wasn’t ready to see, the look he feared, in the younger male’s eyes. The older thought about when this routine had started. When they were younger and Jimin was around 16 years he had become aware of his ual urges involving Jungkook. Well he had been aware of them for a long time but till then they weren’t directed at Jungkook.

He became aware that he was having feeling for the younger, which went beyond the boundaries of being brothers. But it had never gone further than staring at the Jungkook’s lips and imagining how they would feel against his own and imagining how it would feel like to be hugged by him. Not that the younger ever was shy about hugs, but Jimin knew they were innocent. He had tried to control it and told himself that the platonic hugging, sleeping in the same bed was enough for him. His heart was being stubborn and what he got was not enough.

Things had gotten more out of his hand when the younger had become 17 and had started going the gym. It had made Jimin’s life harder, because it was then when the older had started to see him as a man and his dreams had gotten wilder. The innocent thoughts of feeling the other’s lips against his had taken a turn. He started imagining them on other places. His reasoning had been lost when he imagined being underneath the younger begging for a release. Jimin had felt disgusted with himself that he was looking at his younger brother like that even if they weren’t biological related.

Now things were different he had hurt himself and ever since Jungkook had moved away he had started to throw up the guilt, literally. It helped him feel numb and it helped him forgot everything for couple of moments. These moments were enough for the older and if there was any guilt left he often tried to cry it away when he lay alone in his bed.

The moment the younger had spoken when he had two fingers deep in his throat and their eyes met, Jimin knew it was all real. He can’t decipher the look on Jungkook’s face. If it was hurt or confusion, he didn’t know. He knew very well it wasn’t a good idea what he tried to do. His comprehension wasn’t good what he was going to say or do. The younger had seen everything now and there was no going back. He could try to lie, but chances of success were slim. He wrung his hands and kept his eyes in his lap, he spoke taking after taking a deep breath.

“Go away, Kook-ah” Jimin tried to sound unaffected and at the moment it looked like a good option to send the younger away. His tears started spilling again and the sobs bubbled in his chest. He was doing his best to not break down in front of the younger which he had done enough times already ever since Jungkook was back from abroad.

“Hyung? What...what is happening?” the older could hear the hurt and the confusion in Jungkook’s voice. He didn’t know what to say. There could be a better excuse to send the younger away he thought.

Jungkook stood oblivious for a moment and walked to his hyung. He didn’t exactly know what he was going to do. The older had told him to go away, but it wasn’t a good idea to leave the other all alone, not in such a state.

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