Jihoon realized that he needed some immediate help. It took him a while to realize this, but nearly committing suicide has a way of snapping you back into reality. He knew he couldn’t deal with this alone, and so he called the closest person to him.

“Hello?” Seokmin’s voice answered.

“Seokmin, I need to talk to you.”

“Shoot.”

“Actually, I want to meet you in person. Can you meet tonight?”

“Tonight? I actually have a date tonight, maybe tomorrow night?” Seokmin asked.

“Yeah sure whatever,” Jihoon muttered. When he closed the phone, he felt worse than before. Of course, Seokmin would much rather hang out with his greasy girlfriend than with his depressed best friend who actually ing needed him.

Jihoon felt the darkness cloud his thoughts again. He couldn’t wait until tomorrow; he needed immediate help. By immediate, it meant right now. It felt like there was a force inside his heart that was suffocating him, telling him to end his life so this can all be over.

He called the second closest person to him: Vernon. His brother would listen to him; he always listened to him. Vernon was actually the only person who kept him sane in the past, and if Jihoon appealed to him for help, Jihoon knew Vernon would give his undivided attention to help him.

Vernon did not answer when Jihoon called, which made Jihoon feel even more suffocated. He really needed Vernon immediately, and so he decided to leave class early and go home. Jihoon knew that Vernon would be back from school and home at this time. Their dad would be at work and his mom would be teaching English classes. It was a perfect time to catch Vernon alone for an extended period of time.

When Jihoon got home, he opened the door and barged inside to find Vernon.

To his surprise, Vernon was actually not alone. He was tangled up in the arms of Seungkwan, his best friend, but not in the best-friend kind of way; best friends don’t straddle each other’s laps like that; best friends don’t have their arms around each other in that way; best friends don’t lock lips just for the fun of it.

They broke apart as soon as they saw Jihoon there, who stood there with a gaping mouth as he looked at them.

“Hyung, I can explain,” Vernon stammered.

“I’m going to my room,” Jihoon managed, before rushing to the bedroom. He didn’t intend to slam the door, but that’s how it came out.

-

Jihoon was angry. He didn’t even know why he was angry, but he was fuming by the time he was in his room. It just didn’t make any sense.

Judging by the way they were together, it seemed like Vernon and Seungkwan had been a thing for a long time, but Vernon chose not to tell him about it? Did Vernon not trust him that much? Did Vernon even consider Jihoon as part of his life? It felt like a betrayal no matter how Jihoon thought about it. Jihoon had always that Vernon told him everything, but learning his brother was hiding such a big part of himself made Jihoon so mad.

Also, it somehow felt like Seungkwan had replaced him. Jihoon had always thought he was the closest person in the world to Vernon, but this episode slapped him back into reality and he realized that he thought much too highly of himself.

Vernon didn’t need him. Vernon didn’t trust him. Vernon had others he could lean on. Meanwhile, Jihoon is a loser who had absolutely no one.

While Vernon was getting as close as he could possibly get to his best friend, Jihoon was growing further from his own best friend.

While Vernon, who was three years younger than him, began to have romantic relationships, Jihoon couldn’t even maintain his ordinary relationships.

Jihoon was going crazy at this point. The darkness was consuming him, and he increasingly began to feel that he was indeed lonely and miserable. He had no one to talk to. No one was going to help him.

Suddenly, he remembered the words written in green marker on the note taped to the window handle. There was a phone number written there. Jihoon wished he had saved that number. He would have called it in that moment when it felt like the world was closing in on him, and the only escape was for him to hurl himself out the window.

He couldn’t stand being in that room alone because he could feel the window starting to call him. He had enough will power to ignore those calls and rush out of that apartment. At least outside, there are no windows to jump out from.

-

He went the convenience store and bought a pack of cheap beer. Jihoon had never been one to drink in the light of day in the middle of the streets, but the circumstances were just that desperate.

He sat against a building, cross-legged on the floor, trying to clear his thoughts and hoping the beer would come through and help him with that. But it didn’t. And Jihoon began to realize that although there weren’t any windows to jump out from, there were cars zooming past that he could jump in front of and end it all.

Jihoon groaned and walked further until he got to an indoor street with no cars. He really wished those thoughts would leave, but they were eating him up and driving him insane.

As he walked down that street, he realized that he was getting closer to that apartment he spent the night in, the apartment which contained that note that had that phone number on it, the phone number that he really wished he had right now.

He laughed at how much of a pathetic loser he was. Needing the support of a complete stranger because he didn’t have any actual friends in real life.

-

He went to the bar that night. He was already slightly tipsy from the supermarket beer that he had been consuming throughout the day, but he needed more to drown that palpable strain in his chest and feel okay again.

Jihoon didn’t even look up at the bartender he just sat at the stool, and the bartender knew exactly what to give him.

“You seem sadder than usual,” the bartender noted as he slid the mug across to Jihoon. “And I know this because you still haven’t sassed me like you usually do.”

Jihoon didn’t answer. He was in no mood for small talk. Plus, even if he did try to talk, he knew it would come out as slur and he didn’t want to humiliate himself like that.

“Not in the mood to talk, I get it,” the bartender said, “but can I at least have an emergency contact for you in case you pass out like last time?”

Fair enough, thought Jihoon. He reached for his phone to get someone’s number, but when he began to think of who’s number to give him, he realized that didn’t have anyone. Jihoon didn’t want to interrupt Soekmin’s stupid date, he was also much too pissed at Vernon.

Reminded of his bitter loneliness once again, Jihoon felt those dark thoughts come back to him.

Jihoon put down his phone and turned his attention to the alcohol once again.

“So you’re not giving me any emergency contact?” the bartender asked.

“No.”

“What about your father?”

“I’d rather die.”

“So what should I do with you if you lose consciousness?”

“Leave me to the dogs in the streets,” Jihoon mumbled. “I want to be eaten alive.”

The bartender sighed and said, “looks like you’re staying another night with me then.”

-

The next thing Jihoon knew, he was waking up in the same place as yesterday. This time, however, he woke up much earlier than before. It was still dark outside, the sun barely starting rise. He could hear the shower running from inside the bathroom, along with the loud ringing in his ears from yet another hangover.

Jihoon quickly got up, intending to leave quickly and quietly without running into the bartender. He wanted to avoid the awkward conversation in which the bartender will expect some kind of gratitude that Jihoon refused to give him.

But as he was sneaking towards the door, the bathroom door opened and Seungcheol caught Jihoon just a few steps before the front door. He was wet and dressed in boxers and a white t-shirt with a towel over his head. Jihoon groaned

 “Good morning, Jihoon,” the bartender said when he saw him. “Leaving so early?”

“Yes,” Jihoon replied snappily. “And how the did you know my name?”

The bartender looked surprised by that inquiry. He laughed and said, “I know a lot more than just your name, Jihoon. Like for example, I know you won’t thank me for taking you in tonight, but that’s okay, because I know you’re still actually grateful.”

“You wish. I told you I wanted you to leave me to the dogs. Now I have to endure another day in this hell-hole called life.”

“I also know you’re deeply depressed and need some therapy.”

“I’m not, and I don’t. You don’t know about me, so stop babying me. I don’t need you to carry me to your dirty- apartment anymore. I don’t need your pep talks, and I don’t want you going all guru towards me pretending you know me. You don’t know .”

The bartender narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, as if he were somehow accepting a challenge. He cleared his throat and replied: “I know your mother left you when you were two, and your father raised you after that. I know you love your father deeply and care for him a lot, but you don’t show it because you like putting up a nonchalant front. I know you really want to go to this prestigious music boarding school, and your father pulled a lot of strings to get you into it. But you rejected the offer, because even though it’s your dream to attend, you think it’s too expensive and you don’t want to put your father through that financial trouble. I know you don’t let him believe that though, because you don’t want him to think that you care for him, but you do. Oh, and I also know that you have a best friend named Seokmin, who recently got a girlfriend and the two of them are beginning to get serious. I know that bothers you a lot, because you feel like you’re losing one of your only friends to this girl. However, the number one reason that she bothers you is because you’re actually in love with Seokmin yourself and tearing you up inside to see him with someone else. I know you hate the fact that you’re gay, and you can’t accept it and you deny it to yourself very often. And I know that this made it even doubly painful to see your brother making out with his best friend, because you realized that your little brother achieved with his friend what you’re dying to achieve with yours. Your brother accepted that he was gay, accepted his own sense of self and was now indulging in his own desires, meanwhile you’re stuck in denial while the boy that you love is running off with some girl. And finally, I know you have suicidal thoughts running through your head. You like to tell yourself you want to die because you hate people, and you don’t want to deal with them anymore, but the truth is that you want to die because you feel like the people you love are abandoning you, and you can’t do anything about it.”

By the end of the bartender’s speech, Jihoon was shaking. Never before had anyone eloquently expressed in words, out loud, everything that was buried so deep within Jihoon’s heart– things that Jihoon wouldn’t even say to himself. It was like this man had opened his chest and read out his innermost thoughts and feelings, thoughts that Jihoon wanted to deny. “H-how,” Jihoon stammered, unable to express himself.

“You’re very honest when you’re drunk,” the bartender explained.

At this point, Jihoon felt himself collapse on the floor. This stranger knew everything, there was no need to put up a front anymore. His lower lip trembled, his eyes brimmed with tears and he broke down in tears.