The rest of winter break passes in a similar way. Me making breakfast, me leaving it for Taehyung, me throwing my food out. Taehyung playing with his food. Me running in the morning. Taehyung not following after the first day. Taehyung curling up on the couch. Me studying and writing notes for hours. Repeat for every meal.

The tears are dry now. Mostly. At night, I hear Taehyung crying into his pillow. I hear him crying for Seokjin in his sleep. I hear him screaming before waking up. I hear him pleading for someone to stop, for someone to help him. I hear him whispering that he’s sorry, so sorry. I barely sleep. I catch bits of sleep every few hours. I try to comfort Taehyung, but he pushes me away, holding back tears.

Seokjin shaking his head.

It hurts more than it should.

Nights are the worst. During the day, Taehyung is open… well, more open. He doesn’t smile his boxy smile anymore. He doesn’t laugh his happy, carefree laugh. He just stares at the wall, numb to the world. But at least he doesn’t push me away. During the night, he’s closed off.

During the day, I’m okay. Taehyung is always there, and I can’t leave him alone. I have to cope for him. During the night, the voices are there. I draw bloody lines on my arms, on my thighs. I don’t cry. There’s no point. He’s gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

There aren’t any distractions from my memories.

The pain distracts me a little, but only for a brief, blissful moment. I know it’s not right, I know I’m not right, but still… it’s worth it.

The memories are too painful.

I remember Seokjin’s smile. I remember Seokjin's windshield wiper wiper laugh. I remember Seokjin saying he’s fine. I remember Seokjin shaking his head. I remember Taehyung’s boxy smile. I remember Taehyung’s laugh. I remember the three of us laughing together.

I’ll be fine.

I remember being happy.

My brain runs over every memory of us together. I try to find every moment where Seokjin didn’t look happy. I try to find every moment where I could’ve helped him. I try to find every little detail. My brain delights in showing me all the memories of the times where I could’ve done something to stop Seokjin from doing what he did.

Seokjin shaking his head.

I covered the piano. Neither of us had the heart to get rid of it, but it’s too painful to look at. I’ll swear I see Seokjin sitting at the piano, smiling at the keys. I’ll swear I hear Seokjin playing the piano. I’ll swear I feel Seokjin’s breath on my ear as he whispers for me to hold on.

I’ll be fine.

When I turn around, nothing’s there. No one is there. The piano stands in the corner, all alone. The apartment is silent. There’s no one next to me.

I’ll be fine.

There’s just empty air.

I’ll be fine.

And I’m all alone.

I’ll be fine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I hear footsteps walking towards me. I don’t move. The door opens, and I hear Seokjin’s soft gasp of surprise. He kneels beside me and I look away. There’s blood on the floor. Blood on my sleeve. Tears in my eyes. He leaves the room and comes back with gauze and bandages. He gently cleans the fresh cuts on my arms. He hugs me.

I start to cry.

“Nothing’s going right,” I wail. “Everything’s wrong, everything’s falling apart.”

He doesn’t respond. He just hugs me, rocking back and forth gently. I cry into his sweatshirt. He presses his face into my hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m being a burden, aren’t I?” I mutter, pulling away. He shakes his head.

“Don’t we all have the right to be a burden every once in a while?” he replies.

“Doesn’t mean we have to be one,” I whisper. Seokjin gently wipes my tears away.

“I can’t promise things are going to be alright…,” he whispers. “But…

“I promise I’ll always be here for you.”