CHAPTER 1
⤫ AEON : END OF AN ERAChapter 1
Seokmin knocked on the door to the dorm. It was a few minutes before he’d told the group to be ready to go, and it was only a question if they actually were. He buried his hands in his pockets and stepped back from the door, the early morning chill present even in the hall of the apartment complex.
The door opened and Wonwoo looked out. “Hey manager-hyung,” he said. He was ready and alert despite the fact that it was 5AM. He looked more awake than Seokmin felt. Wonwoo handed him a thermos of coffee.
“You’re heaven sent, Wonwoo.” Seokmin gratefully accepted the thermos. “Are the others ready?”
“Jinyoung is, but he’s pretending he’s not so he’s not the first one out the door,” Wonwoo said. “Seunghoon and Chanhee should be out soon. Minjun is just wrapping up too.”
“And Youngbae of course isn’t ready,” Seokmin guessed.
“He’s dressed.” Wonwoo said. Seokmin could always count on Wonwoo to be where he wanted him to be and do as he wanted him to do. Not that he didn’t appreciate the others, but sometimes it was nice not to have to chase their asses all the time. Wonwoo was probably the one who had changed least from the quiet kid who’d been a trainee. He was always reliable and never a nuisance. You could count on Wonwoo.
The door opened and Seunghoon and Chanhee both got out. Seunghoon had been talking about something but as soon as he saw Seokmin and Wonwoo he shut up and looked away, retreating back into himself. This wasn’t anything surprising, Seunghoon had been like that for years, even before Seokmin had earned that treatment, and Seokmin had stopped feeling hurt about it years ago.
Chanhee avoided his eyes as he always did. Seokmin sighed. He was way past wondering how long Chanhee would carry that grudge against him. Chanhee’s grudges lasted lifetimes. That one hurt more, but Seokmin had gotten used to it.
Jinyoung came out later, his head in altogether different and much more thunderous clouds. He was always moody nowadays, and Seokmin thought he could recognize the edge of a hangover. Jinyoung just avoided everyone’s eyes, chin held high and stubborn.
Seokmin often wondered what had happened to the bright kid he’d once known. Even more he wondered why none of them had actually seen it coming. Then again, he’d never know what it was like to stand on a stage in front of adoring fans, so could he even judge? For all he knew it might have corrupted him just as much, that beast called fame.
He’d always liked Jinyoung in the early years. A kid with dreams, he was rooting for him. He supposed, in a way, Jinyoung had achieved those dreams.
Then came Minjun, nonchalantly swaggering out the door. "Hey hyung," he said almost disinterested, though Seokmin had noticed he seemed a bit more on edge lately. Less cheer, fewer smirks. He suppose he understood, what with contract renewals coming up. Minjun's wouldn't be in question for another 2.5 years.
“I’m here, I’m here!” Youngbae stumbled out, shirt still crooked and hair in disarray. Good thing the hairdresser was their first stop. Yet another set of music show performances. Yet another 5AM-7PM work day for all of them. At least it was the last week of promotions.
In a way it felt the same. Sure he used to live in the dorm himself, but if he didn’t look too closely at Chanhee or Seunghoon avoiding his eyes, if he chose not to notice the scoffs from Jinyoung, if he didn’t see how even Youngbae had grown wary around him, if he didn’t pay attention to the absence of Joowon and Baekhyun altogether, if he looked only at Wonwoo then Seokmin could pretend, for a bit, that everything was the same.
He’d known these guys since they were trainees, he’d been the one assigned to start the idol trainee program. It had been just Jinyoung and Youngbae at first, and slowly the others joined as well. He’d seen them grow up, he’d even go so far as say he might have helped them grow up, if just a little. With a lack of having children of his own, he he might have been sentimental enough to label them as figures. Might have, if things weren’t so irreparably broken, if eyes weren’t constantly averted, if conversations didn’t stop the moment he walked in.
It’s not like actual fathers never ed up, though actual fathers didn’t often represent a higher authority that lived to profit off the sons.
No, he had no right to think of them that way. He saw them grow up from kids with dreams to kids struggling to achieve them, and when it had mattered most he had let them down.
He led them all to the van to drive them to Music Bank for a last week of goodbye stages, and couldn’t help but wonder how permanent these goodbye stages would be.
“When are you going to stop this foolishness and come home? You're wasting your life prancing around in some studio.”
Jinyoung squinted at the text, the low brightness made it hard to read against the bit of light filtering through the blinds of the practice room. Nothing new then. He flipped the phone shut, wishing he'd never taught his dad how text messages worked.
It buzzed against the floor and Jinyoung quickly dove to grab it again before any of the others heard. Phones were strongly discouraged among trainees but his mom had been adamant about staying in contact.
“You have wasted 2 years already. How many more years will it take for you to realize you’re wasting your life?”
When Jinyoung had gathered up all of his courage those 2 years ago, his father had made his displeasure known. 10 years later, he’d had said. You will look back and you will realize that you have wasted your life. He’d made no qualms reminding Jinyoung of the ticking clock ever since.
It was weird to think that it had already been a year and a half since he’d started training. Time went fast.
The phone buzzed again in his hand and Jinyoung fumbled to get it back open. .
“Your mother says hi.”
Jinyoung sighed and turned the phone off. He'd give his mom a call tonight, it had been about a week and she'd be itching to hear from him.
“Hey!”
Jinyoung looked up with a frown, careful to tuck the phone into the pocket of his sweatpants and arrange his features back to neutrality. The new guy scooched closer to him, an action made a little ridiculous by the fact that they were in the middle of stretching for dance practice.
Jinyoung didn’t know the new guy very well yet. He had started training just the day before but it had mostly been orientation. They hadn’t even been properly introduced.
“Eh. Hello,” Jinyoung returned politely. He thought the new guy was older than him but he wasn't sure. It was best to err on the side of caution.
“I don't think I've introduced myself yet,” the guy said with a big smile that turned his is already small eyes into slits. He didn't look much like an idol to Jinyoung, certainly not with those eyes, but nothing surgery couldn’t still fix. “Well properly that is.. Ehm I mean, I'm Kim Seunghoon.”
Jinyoung gave him a small bow. “Seo Jinyoung,” he returned. The new guy had a country dialect. It made him sound a little simple honestly.
“You're a vocalist right?” Seunghoon asked.
Jinyoung nodded with pride. “Yes that's my specialty.” The vocal coach said that he was main vocalist material even! He was definitely the best vocalist in the company as it was now, though with only Youngbae and Baekhyun around that wasn’t all that hard. Still! If they debuted as, well four now he supposed with Seunghoon, then he’d surely be the main vocalist!
“Me too!” Seunghoon said. “Well that’s what they told me anyway, I haven’t really had lessons before, but they said they liked my voice!”
Jinyoung smiled, the new guy’s energy was infectious. “I’m sure they will.”
“Could you give me some pointers maybe? If I ever lag behind?” Seunghoon asked, eyes as big as Jinyoung was sure they would ever get.
He laughed softly. “Yes I think I can help.” He’d had years of vocal training himself before he ever did his first audition, and he knew the lessons Helix got them weren’t the best. He had a feeling he would end up helping this guy more often than not. And maybe that might not be such a bad thing.
There was a crash on the other side of the room as Youngbae had lost his balance during stretching, and his loud laugh filled up the room. Jinyoung rolled his eyes and turned back to Seunghoon. That buffoon was always doing something to fill the room with his presence and, honestly, it was a bit much a lot of the times.
“Are you good at dancing?” Seunghoon asked, still glancing at Youngbae with a worried look, who was getting helped up by Baekhyun. “I’ve never danced before in my life.” A grimace from the new guy told Jinyoung all he needed to know about how confident he was in that particular skill.
Was he good at dancing? Baekhyun was a bit better, but Youngbae much worse. It was hard to really know when he didn’t have much to compare himself to. “I think so. Yes I can help you,” he said as Seunghoon opened his mouth, no doubt to ask him.
The guy beamed back. “Thank you!” he said, and the sincerity of it was almost overwhelming.
The rest of the hour Jinyoung spent more time teaching Seunghoon one of the routines they’d learned than actually practicing it himself. The guy was quite hopeless, it was obvious he had no experience with dancing at all. Jinyoung was glad that this wasn’t one of the days where they actually had dance classes, the company usually arranged for two of those a week and Seunghoon was going to get his kicked by the instructor. The instructor was far from gentle with them.
It was pushing 11PM when Jinyoung finally gave up on Seunghoon for the day. “That’s it, I can’t take no more.”
Seunghoon glanced back at him, pausing in the middle of a dance move (and Jinyoung could already spot a dozen ways his stance and gestures were wrong but it was 11PM and he couldn’t be assed anymore). “I thought we’d never stop!” Seunghoon laughed and handed Jinyoung a water bottle.
Jinyoung gulped some water even though he’d mostly just been correcting. He was exhausted, probably even more exhausted than when he’d been the one dancing. Youngbae and Baekhyun had already left, Baekhyun to his family and Youngbae no doubt wherever he went when he went home early and wouldn’t be seen again until the next morning. Jinyoung mourned the loss of his occasional dorm alone time now that Seunghoon was here too.
With a face like that and dancing like this, Jinyoung couldn’t help but think the guy’s voice had better be extraordinary for the company to take him on (he ignored a slight bubble of jealousy at the thought, there were plenty of idol groups with two main vocals after all). While the company hadn’t proved too picky in their choice of idol trainees, even Youngbae had had some experience with dancing before he joined. Seunghoon was, quite frankly, hopeless.
“Do you think we’ll really debut?” Seunghoon asked, accepting the water bottle back from Jinyoung.
“You’ve only been here a day,” Jinyoung pointed out. “One step at a time, hyung.” For, he’d found out, Seunghoon was a year older than him. The guy didn’t much act like it but he was. Still, Jinyoung was curious. “Why did you become a trainee?”
“I just wanted to come to the big city,” Seunghoon said. “I didn’t want to become a farmer like the rest of my family, and I’m not smart enough to get out that way.” He smiled a smile of such sincere simplicity Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile back. “Good thing I have a nice voice right?”
He pushed back that spike of jealousy. Seunghoon was nice. He wasn’t competition (certainly not with that face and those two left feet), and he was kind of glad Seunghoon was around. He hadn’t really been friends with Youngbae or Baekhyun but maybe he could be friends with Seunghoon.
“Sing me something on the way home,” Jinyoung said.
Seunghoon nodded. “Okay! I can sing you the song I auditioned with, do you know Ne-Yo?”
“Of course I know Ne-yo.”
“I sang So Sick for my audition, it's always on the radio so I thought it'd be a good choice. I think they really liked it.”
“Well they signed you.”
“They did! I still can’t believe they did sometimes! And the city is so big and loud! It’s really exciting but also a little scary honestly. Do you want to get ramyun somewhere?”
“Yeah sure.”
“Do you know anywhere? I know like nothing at all here and I keep getting lost. I even got lost getting from the dorm to the Helix building, that’s why I was kind of late this morning, I’d even drawn myself a map but I still got lost!”
“Haha yeah I know somewhere.”
“Awesome! Are the ramyun different here in Seoul? I bet you can get all kinds of flavors here!”
Ah the metro. If there was one thing that never changed in Seoul it was the metro. The fluorescent lights, the quiet people packing in minding their own business, the hypnotic lull of a moving subway train. The metro was full of opportunity, people with places to be, a future to be created. And Kang Joowon was creating a future.
He had passed Seocho, uninterested in what it had to offer, had watched men in suits with briefcases and women trapped in skirts with heels that could kill filter out. Off to some court case, or an agency he had no interest in.
He had left Gangnam far behind him, watched as people got on and off the metro at the stop and hadn’t helped smiling to himself. Impeccably dressed women and men alike, and some giggling schoolgirls who should have been in school exchanged for a man or woman with curiously bandaged face mixed in with the foreign tourists and tired looking business men. No, Gangnam wasn’t for him.
The metro crossed the Han river, surfacing overground to give him a magnificent view of the waters. Most commuters were unperturbed, but Joowon took it all in. He hadn’t been in Seoul for far too long.
Then, in far too short a time, the metro dove back safely underground and it was time for Joowon to leave the orange line behind and switch to one of ochre for the second leg of his journey.
Finally, after an hour more in the metro, he emerged at his destination: the Mapo district. Home to the entertainment agencies who couldn't afford a Gangnam or Seocho branch (and weren't contrary like YG).
The sun was shining, birds were chirping, the Seoul smog was at a minimum, and Kang Joowon was in an excellent mood. He exited the station whistling, ignoring some looks from the throng of people around him.
The crossing light sprung to green just when he approached the street and he crossed to the tune of the beeps, all but skipping from stripe to stripe.
This was his day.
It took another 10 minutes of walking to get to his destination, weaving in another out of streets and stopping only once to pick up a stray coin on the street (that would be going into a coffee machine later), to find an unassuming grey building marked with the Helix Entertainment logo.
Joowon took took a breath. He didn't need one, he was confident and sure of himself, but it felt like the thing to do before making major steps for one's future.
The lobby inside was clean but otherwise nondescript. Greys and whites doing nothing to complement each other, and one sad potted plant in the corner by the waiting benches that looked like it could have used water months ago. A receptionist with a kind smile beckoned him as soon as he got in.
“I have an appointment at 2PM,” Joowon said as he approached the desk. He was 20 minutes early as usual, always making sure he got where he needed to be in time. “I’m here for an audition.”
The receptionist squinted at her screen, and a few mouse clicks, and a phone call later he was admitted into the building and instructed to take the elevator up to the second floor, third door on the right.
At his destination he found something akin to a conference room, but obviously set up for an audition of sorts. A camera trained on a backdrop with the Helix logo prominently displayed in the back. There was no time to feel nervous, his evaluators were already present.
He bowed politely to two men in suits. One of them had the look of a shark in a suit. Sharp, grey, but eyes keen as they had likely ever been. Joowon would not want to spill blood anywhere around this man. The other looked kinder, younger, and a lot more tired.
“I’m Kim Seokmin, Helix’ trainee manager,” the younger one said. “And this is Hong Sanghyuk, our CEO.”
More polite bows were exchanges, words of civility and gratitude expressed, and faces adorned with charismatic smiles. Joowon knew how to play the charm game by now, his experience with networking paid off considerably. In this world who one knew mattered more than anything else after all.
“You come highly recommended by the son of an old friend of mine,” the CEO said.
“Ah yes, Song Minhwan recommended Helix to me as well,” Joowon said. “We served together in the army.” Minhwan had been in his regiment, the son of a family friend of the CEO of Helix Entertainment. Sometimes that’s how easy connections could be. He hadn't know just how useful his contacts from the army would be when he'd been a fresh recruit of 18 wanting his mandatory service to to be over with, but as a man of 20 they proved to be invaluable.
Still, he hadn’t chosen Helix just because of his connections, had the company not matched his vision, Joowon would have simply kept looking on his own merit. As it happened to turn out, Helix was just the gem Joowon wanted. A small company where he could work hard to stand on his own merit, as opposed to a hype trains that was one of the big three. If he was going to rap some cheesy lines, he wanted it to be his cheesy lines.
The audition went swimmingly, as he knew it would. Joowon had practiced his rap ad nauseam, doubtlessly irking many of the other tenants in his gosiwon, though he had tried to keep the noise pollution to a minimum. He had practiced it well. He knew every bit of his rap as if it had been inscribed into his brain. Joowon had this.
And so he followed the CEO and the manager to an office where the TL light flickered lazily and drawers were opened, contracts discussed, pens taken out and exchanged, and the comforting scritch scratch of a signature being written on that black inviting line had filled the room.
He was a trainee.
Sometimes life was that simple.
---
Moving into the trainee bunks had felt almost comfortingly like home. Joowon had spent the last two years sleeping in the same room with many men, sharing meals and drills and hardships. Sure, this wasn’t quite the same: snacks littered in hidden corners, bedding was left untucked and discarded, and the faces that stared back at him were nothing like the hard grizzled ones of his marine regiment. Still, it felt like home.
He had moved his stuff in the morning, after taking the metro all the way back to his gosiwon, packing his things, and spending one last night in the closet-sized apartment he had called home those last few weeks. The first few square feet he could truly call his own. He would miss the brief taste of independence he had gotten, but his future was worth sacrificing privacy for. Joowon was meant for great things, and if it took another stint of communal living then so be it.
And so he had put his bag on one of the empty bunks and walked the 20 minute walk to Helix’ headquarters for his first day as an idol trainee.
He was excited about meeting the other idol trainees, the ones he would be sharing a future with. He’d already prepared himself for the meeting, knew exactly what he was going to say and how, and before he knew it Seokmin was leading him to the door of the practice room.
5 curious faces stared up at him when he walked into the room. The 5 faces he might very well share a future with. One of them quickly hid an illegal snack behind his back.
Seokmin sighed. “Seunghoon, you know you’re on a diet.”
“Sorry,” the kid muttered.
“Kang Joowon is going to join you as a trainee,” Seokmin said. “Make him feel welcomed please, and don’t forget you have a meeting with me tomorrow afternoon.”
Joowon bowed to the trainees. “Please take care of me.”
“Youngbae, you’re the oldest, it’s up to you to make sure none of them forget the meeting,” Seokmin continued. One of the trainees grew red at being singled out. “Ah who am I kidding. Wonwoo, please make sure they all make it to the meeting this time.”
“Yes, sir,” the trainee in the very back bowed politely.
Seokmin gave them all another glance, sighed, and left the room.
“I told you not to eat it inside,” one of the trainees whispered at Seunghoon as soon as Seokmin had left the room.
“I was hungry!” Seunghoon protested before taking a bite from the candy bar.
No, these guys were definitely not like the well oiled machine that his marines regiment was, but he could work with this. He pushed the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows and stretches his hand out to the one Seokmin had addressed as the oldest. “Hey I’m Kang Joowon, 20 years old. ”
The guy scrambled up, seemingly perplexed at Joowon’s formal approach. “Bang Youngbae.” He shook Joowon’s hand with a bow. “I’m 21.”
Okay so the oldest was only a year older than him. That was fine. “That’s Kim Seunghoon and Seo Jinyoung,” Youngbae nodded at the squinty eyed trainee who was trying to take one last bite of the candy bar before the other one could confiscate it. “And this is Lee Baekhyun.” A younger trainee waved animatedly at Joowon.
“And that’s Wonwoo?” Joowon prompted, nodded at the trainee Youngbae had forgotten.
“Oh! Yeah!” Youngbae glanced at the trainee in the back. “Sorry, that’s Cha Wonwoo.”
“Okay,” Joowon said, planting himself firmly in front of the room. “Pleased to meet all of you, we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, but from now on all of are a team. The chance is big that we’ll debut in a group together so let’s act like it.” The other trainees looked at each other questioningly but none of them talked back to him. That was a good sign.
“Wonwoo,” Joowon continued. “Come on sit with the rest of us.” Wonwoo nodded and sat down in the space between Youngbae and Jinyoung. “No more forgetting about one of the team members, alright? Youngbae why don’t you show me what you guys have been working on?”
“Wonwoo is the better dancer,” Youngbae said.
Wonwoo nodded. “I can show you.”
“Do you have any experience dancing before, hyung?” Jinyoung asked him.
Joowon nodded and grinned. “A bit. I know enough to do a killer rendition of Into the New World even with a pack on my shoulders.”
Seunghoon laughed. “Then you’re already better than I was!”
“You’re still quite bad, hyung,” Jinyoung reminded him.
“I got better!”
Wonwoo moved to the stereo to turn on the music. “We can show you what we’ve been working on,” he said. “Are you ready?”
Joowon nodded. “I’m ready.”
“What? No!” Chanhee protested. “No no no, this isn’t happening, I’m an actor!”
“Chanhee,” Kim Seokmin cautioned. Chanhee was aware that he should be more polite to the trainee manager but hell no. This was not happening!
“I was okay with getting some dance and singing lessons because you said it was to make me a more well-rounded entertainer,” Chanhee said. His shoes squeaked on the cheap laminate flooring of Seokmin’s office as he paced back and forth. “Not to put me in some boygroup!”
“Chanhee,” Seokmin warned again. “We’ve talked about your temper before.”
“I’m a good actor!” Chanhee argued. “No, a great actor. Both of us know it. Plus I’m more handsome than any of the trainees around, idol or actor. You and I both know that I’ll do well as an actor. Why throw that away for the sake of some boy group? Throw some other mediocre acting trainee in there or something, but not me!”
Seokmin sighed, foot tapping against the ground the only thing that betrayed his fraying patience. “Save your breath, you know it’s not up to me, Chanhee, and I would not advise taking on such a tone when talking to the CEO.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I am much too indulgent as it is.”
“I won’t do it,” Chanhee said. “You can’t make me sign the contract.”
“What else are you going to do Chanhee? Find another company? Refusing is not an option for Hong Sanghyuk, you’re either in or you’re out of the company and you know this.
“Listen,” Seokmin said. “This group doesn’t have to be the end of your acting career. You know acting hopefuls are a dime in a dozen nowadays. Stick with this idol group and if it does well, opportunities will come your way. It’s not unheard of for idols to turn to acting.”
“They’re always at it,” Chanhee snapped back.
“So change that,” Seokmin retorted. “Change public opinion about idol actors. Show them that there are good ones. Think about it, you can push for recognition for idol actors, you will surprise everyone with how good you are. As an idol at least they will know your name. As an actor hopeful the odds are against you but fame opens doors.”
Chanhee balled his fist. “I’m still a bad dancer and a worse singer.”
“You don’t need talent to be an idol,” Seokmin said. “Not musical talent anyway. You need charisma and you need visuals. You have charisma and visuals, Woo Chanhee. The group needs you.”
“I thought it wasn’t up to you,” Chanhee said, the bitter edge plain even to himself and he hated it. He was out of arguments, all he had left was pettiness.
“It’s not,” Seokmin said. “But I'm going to be your principal manager, and for the sake of both me and the group I’m glad you’ll be there.”
“I haven’t decided yet,” Chanhee stubbornly insisted.
Seokmin put a hand on his shoulder. “Think about what I said and think about your options, but don’t think too long. You’re expected to join the project group for training tomorrow.”
Chanhee knew a dismissal when he saw one and it only made him angrier. He bowed a little less politely than she should have and stormed out of the office.
An idol! Him! What was the company thinking?! He was their most promising acting trainee! He should be getting ready for auditions, finding that starring role that was waiting for him, not learning how to prance around on stage for hormonal fangirls!
He didn’t even like any of the guys he’d had dance training with, and he was pretty sure they didn’t like him either. They were idol trainees, what did he care about them? If they weren’t good enough to be acting trainees they were not good enough for his time, honestly.
He kicked over a trashcan lining the hallway, its contents spilling all over the cheap floors in the cheap hallway of this cheap company. Ah that had been uncalled for. He knelt down to right the trash bin and angrily tossed ball of paper and energy bar wrapper back in.
“Are you okay?” A head poked out of the dance room. Speak of the devil, it was one of the useless idol trainees, the teacher’s pet. “Oh did you knock over the bin?”
The trainee picked up some of the trash that had rolled his way and it just made Chanhee angrier. He ripped the wrappers out of the guy’s hand. “Stop. Leave me alone,” he grumbled, throwing it back into the bin. “Go back to prancing around in your stupid dance room or whatever it is you guys do all day and leave me alone.”
“Okay hyung,” the guy did a quick bow and retreated back into the room. For some reason that made Chanhee even angrier. He tossed the last piece of trash into the bin and stormed up the stairs out of the trainee basement.
The cold winter air hit him as soon as he opened the door outside and Chanhee instantly regretted leaving his coat and scarf in the acting classroom. He put his head in his pockets and quickened his pace, the sooner he got to the cafe the sooner he’d be warm.
The bell rang when he pushed open the door to his little haven, a small cafe close to Helix’s headquarters. The inside was all dark woods and leather seats and succulent plants. It was empty as it usually was, the chairs and tables looking sad and lonely without occupants to keep them warm. Chanhee sometimes wondered how they managed to stay in business. Maybe he was the only one holding them up at this point.
He sat on one of the barstools and buried his head in his hands. This was another pause on his career. He was 19 now, and who knew how long it would take for this idol group to get popular enough to give him some actual opportunities. He’d hoped that he’d have gotten work by now but no, he’d just been training and learning, and now all of that had lead to some boygroup he didn’t want to be a part of. His acting debut seemed further and further away.
“Oh Chanhee!” The cafe owner came in from the back, an older woman with a warm smile. Her husband was usually around here sometime too, Chanhee had come often enough to know the both of them very well. “Are you alright, dear?” she asked, honest concern lacing her voice.
Chanhee looked up. “Yes… no… I don’t know,” he said. “I got an opportunity for my future, but it’s not one I ever wanted. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing or not anymore.”
“Opportunity doesn't always come in unexpected or even welcome ways,” the coffee ahjumma said. The familiar smell of brewing coffee filled the dimly lit cafe as she started brewing his regular cafe Americano. Nothing of the automated coffee machines that were starting to overtake the Seoul coffee places, this cafe made it the old fashioned way just like Chanhee liked it. “Are you going to take it?”
“I don't know,” he grumbled “I don't see I have much choice.”
“There's always a choice,” she said. “Even if that choice is staying stagnant.”
“So you're saying I shouldn't?”
“Oh no,” the coffee ahjumma said. She smiled conspiratorially, the wrinkles in the corners of her eye banding together to make fun of him. “There are definitely bad decisions, but you can never say that you had no choice. There is always choice.”
“A stupid choice isn’t much of a choice though, is it?” Chanhee grumbled under his breath.
“Still a choice,” she sing-songed and handed him his coffee. The rich aroma instantly filled his nose, he breathed it in and let it soothe him a little bit.
Chanhee grumbled some more as he fished for his wallet to pay her.
“It’s on the house,” coffee ahjumma said, moving back to the store room to the stock she had abandoned for him.
“You’re going to go out of business if you keep giving me free coffees!” Chanhee called after her.
“We'll manage,” she called back.
Chanhee smiled and sipped his americano. He felt a little bit better. Seokmin was right, the group was going to need him if they wanted to get anywhere. Who else was going to uphold the visual and charisma? They needed him, and honestly they should be damned thankful that he was willing to divert his career for the group, if that’s what the company wanted.
He still wasn’t happy, not by a long shot, but any other choice would be a dumb choice. He sighed. He supposed he was going to do it.
As long as they as they didn’t think that he wouldn’t complain about it the entire time.
Youngbae glanced at the clock on the wall. 10 minutes until he could bow out and go see Jinah. They still had dance training, and he was supposed to get rap training after that, but he could feign sickness. Besides, he had a private dance lesson in the morning and those were so much better than the ones Helix paid for.
Seunghoon stretched next to him and yawned. "Being in a project group is so much more work," he complained. It was true, they had a much heavier workload than before, now that the company had deemed them ready for debut. Youngbae didn't mind it much, he liked to be busy, but it was frustrating that he wasn't able to see Jinah as often anymore.
"Of course it is," Jinyoung said and rolled his eyes. "If you think this is work then you should drop out now."
Seunghoon gasped, mock affronted. "I would never! What would you guys do without me?"
"Sleep at night without laying awake worrying when you're going to get yourself run over," Joowon weighed in.
"I can't help it that people in Seoul drive like maniacs!" Seunghoon protested. "They drive much better in my village. It was about the only goo-."
The door opened behind them, cutting their conversation short.
“Chanhee here will be joining the project group,” Seokmin said, gesturing at the unhappy looking guy next to him. Youngbae knew him well enough, one of the few acting trainees who'd joined some of their dance classes.
There had always been a bit of a divide between the two classes of trainees at Helix. The actors seemed to feel better than them, keeping heads raised and sticking to their own cliques. Youngbae had never thought much about it, some of them had only started mingling with the 6 of them in the last few months and Youngbae just stuck to his own guys.
He remembered Joowon had commented on it once, just loud enough for the actors to overhear. How it was odd they should feel above the idols considering the idol trainees were the ones basically guaranteed to debut. With only a handful of them, the company hadn't had much choice.
Still that hadn't done Baekhyun any good. He hadn't made it into the project group and Youngbae sorely missed him. There was a hole in his heart the shape of a little force of positivity with a bright smile that even Joowon couldn't fill. They saw each other sometimes during communal dance classes but the company had really doubled down on preparing them for debut.
Chanhee made some sort of effort of a bow and joined the others. He didn't look happy to be here, and some of the guys didn't look happy he was here either. It didn't much matter to Youngbae, and he wasn't really paying attention either. He couldn't wait for the day to end so he could go to Jinah.
As soon as Seokmin left the room, a blanket of awkwardness filled the void. The new guy stuck his hands into his pockets and avoided their eyes, chin held high. Jinyoung and Seunghoon looked at each other uncertainly, sitting together as always. Wonwoo was lost in thought, glancing in the direction of Baekhyun but not saying anything. Then Joowon got up, straightened his shirt, pushed up his sleeves, and offered his hand for Chanhee to shake. "Welcome to the team!" he said with a grin.
Chanhee looked uncertain, glancing from Joowon's hand to the others, before deciding to brush past him and started stretching. Apparently nobody had told him that the practice session was over. Youngbae debated telling him, glancing at Joowon to see what he should do. Joowon just rolled his eyes and grimaced at Youngbae, making him laugh. Chanhee glanced back with a glare before continuing what he was doing.
He glanced at the clock, it was time! He hadn’t even told Jinah that he was going to debut yet, that was the main goal of today, the reason why he was skipping their evening practice. How was he going to tell her? "Hey how does someone break good news?" Youngbae asked the guys.
"Depends on the kind of news," Joowon said. "You don't want to give a bouquet of roses because you won the lottery."
"Cakes are nice," Seunghoon said. "You could get one of those custom cakes made? Nobody says no to a cake."
"You should be saying no to cake," Jinyoung reminded him. "You have a diet." Seunghoon stuck out his tongue in relatiation and Jinyoung laughed.
"No it's not for me!" Youngbae said quickly. They might start suspecting things and he had a secret to keep. "I'm asking for a friend!" That was a great save! Moments like this were why nobody had been any the wiser about Jinah. He was so good at this stuff.
Joowon laughed. "You can tell your friend a cake is a great option."
Did he have money for a custom cake? He’d spent much of the money his parents had given him for his education on extra rap and vocal and dance classes over the years. Helix’ sponsored lessons hadn’t been cutting it for him (they really weren’t all that good and he’d hardly been improving) and he’d needed extra ones.
Hmmm he still had plenty left, it was a college fund after all, and his parents were giving him more every ‘semester’.
He hadn’t told them he’d been training as an idol yet, but it would be fine. They’d understand that this was his passion for sure. He just didn’t want to talk about it yet until it was for sure. Just in case, you know?
Youngbae put his arm around Baekhyun, who had been quietly sitting in the corner throughout all of this. “Don’t worry kiddo, you’ll make it in.”
Baekhyun nodded and smiled. “Yeah.”
He grabbed his bag and coat and turned to Joowon. “I’m off!” he said brightly. “Are you okay finishing practice?”
“Sneaking off again casanova?” Joowon laughed. “I’ll cover for you. Catch.” Joowon tossed a packet that Youngbae only barely managed to catch. Milk chocolate peperos. “It’s pepero day! Or did you forget?”
“I definitely did not forget,” Youngbae laughed. “Thanks though!” It had only been a year since Joowon had joined them, but the guy already felt like an integral part of the team. Youngbae couldn’t even remember how things had been without him. They were so similar it was crazy! Youngbae could always count on Joowon to have his back and that’s what mattered.
Leaving the building, he swung his weekend bag over his shoulder and pulled his scarf up over his nose against the cold. The november air was already chilly. The bag was a little heavy, what with his sleepover clothes and training clothes for his extra dance lesson tomorrow morning.
Thankfully she didn’t live very far, public transport in Seoul wasn’t the most pleasant. He spent the first half of the journey in the metro bopping his foot impatiently, waiting for it to be over. He had a seat for one stop and then ahjumma took that from him and he was left standing, leaning against the wall for support. It stank in the subway and it was just busy enough to be stifling, the hint of rush hour yet to come, and Youngbae couldn’t wait to get out.
Of course it didn’t help that Jinah waited for him at the end of the journey. He hadn’t seen her in over a month now, training was demanding especially now that a project group had been formed. Joowon had covered for him a few times (and Youngbae felt very proud of the fact that he’d managed to keep the true purpose of the cover from him), and sometimes he could fake a private lesson to meet her somewhere instead, but it had very since become something of a long distance thing.
40 minutes and two metro lines later and he got out of the stop at Ewha University. It took him another 10 minutes to track down a bakery with the help of some friendly students and secure a cake. He didn’t have the money or the patience for a custom cake, so he’d bought one with thick chocolate letters of ‘Happy Birthday’ on it in English.
Balancing both the cake box and his weekend bag and weaving in and out of students coming out of the university, he made it to the collection of back alleys that lead to Jinah’s student residence. He sat down on the stairs and opened the cake box. The cheery ‘Happy Birthday’ greeted him, surrounded by whipped cream and fruit.
Birthday had almost the same letters as debut. He wasn’t quite sure how to spell ‘debut’ in English, but he thought he had a decent enough idea. He redistributed the letters, bit the stem of the ‘h’ to make a ‘u’, and flipped the ‘a’ to make an ‘e’.
‘Happy deByu’
Perfect. He quickly ate the other letters, no need for them now, and closed the cake box back up. He quickly checked himself out in the window of the stairwell, the harsh lighting inside turning the glass into enough of a mirror for him to straighten his hair and rub away that trace of chocolate around his mouth. Good. He looked good.
He laughed to himself. He’d known her since primary school but he still cared about how he looked.
“Bae?” Jinah asked in the door opened and laughed when she caught him mid-preening. “I thought I heard someone skulking outside, come in!”
Youngbae laughed sheepishly and gave her a peck on the lips. “Hey!”
There was a hoot from behind them. “Jinah go get some girl!” someone yelled in English.
“Ya!” she yelled back at her roommate and laughed. “What do you have there?”
“Oh right!” he’d almost forgotten the cake. He opened the box and grinned. “Tada!”
Jinah frowned and squinted at the cake. “Happy… deByu?”
“I’m debuting!” He said with a grin, unable to keep his excitement in check. “Well it’s just a project group for now, I don’t know when we’ll actually be debuting, but it’s one step closer!”
“Congratulations!” Jinah said, but she frowned. “So it’s really happening then?”
Youngbae nodded fiercely. “It’s really happening! It’s really finally happening! I’m going to be an idol!” He’d worked for years to get here. First on his own to practice singing and dancing, and then 3 years at Helix. When he’d joined there had only been Jinyoung who joined with him, all the other trainees were acting trainees. Helix hadn’t even known what to do about training, and his private lessons had been a necessity. Look where he was now. In a project group. All of it had been worth it.
“What about us?” Jinah asked. Her brows were making that crease that meant she was worried.
“Don’t worry about us,” Youngbae said quickly, and kissed the crease between her brows. “We’ll make it work.” She didn’t look convinced which was silly to him. Of course they’d make it work somehow. He didn’t doubt that at all. Still, he hated to see her worry, and he had just the thing to lighten the mood. He dug into his pocket and fished out the package of pepero Joowon had given him. “Happy pepero day!”
Jinah laughed. “You know it’s a consumerist holiday fabricated to sell sweets right?”
Youngbae nodded, though he wasn’t entirely sure what she was talking about but he usually smiled and nodded when she talked smart. “But you’re worth it.”
“As an aspiring dentist I cannot condone this holiday,” she said seriously while opening the packet. “But as your girlfriend, thank you.” She slipped one out of the packet and ate it.
Youngbae grabbed three pepero sticks and put them between his fingers. “I’m the Wolverine!”
Jinah laughed and grabbed one of the pack, holding it out like a sword. “En guarde!”
The spent the rest of the evening swordfighting with pepero sticks, watching tv with cake (which was not strictly in line with his diet), and cuddling. A perfect evening all around.
He was debuting, he had a fantastic girlfriend, and great guys to debut with. Things were looking up for Youngbae. His life was fantastic and nothing was going to bring him down.
Baekhyun felt deflated. It had been 4 months since the project group was created. 3 since Chanhee had been added. They obviously didn’t want Baekhyun, why were they still keeping him around? Why have him keep training while the others were working on their debut?
No, he had to stay positive. If they were still training him that meant he still had a chance to debut. A small chance, but a chance.
He clicked play on his ipod and sang the first lines to Nell’s Time Walking on Memory as it filled his ears, the song his vocal coach had asked him to learn. It was fairly simple to sing, but he still cracked his voice half the time. How did the warm up go again? He had watched Seunghoon, Jinyoung, and Wonwoo warm up their voices countless of times, why did he always forget how to do it?
He squinted at the lyric sheet. The vocal coach had scribbled notes in the margins, things he should work on, but they weren’t very helpful. Work on your stamina. Put more emotion into it. Don’t be so nasal. Don’t strain so much.Stop being so unstable. You’re too soft, put some volume in it. You’re off-key again. You’re flat. On and on it went.
He knew he wasn’t a good singer. He was trying to fix it but he didn’t know how. He was a decent dancer, he also knew that much, but he supposed that he didn’t stand a chance next to Wonwoo. Wonwoo was a fantastic dancer, and he could sing too. Baekhyun sometimes felt like he was the poor man’s Wonwoo, and they just didn’t need that in the group.
He pulled his knees to his chest. The practice room felt so empty without the others. It wasn’t made for one person, and the room echoed more than usual. Even with the blinds open the small windows near the ceiling didn’t let enough light through to truly make the room not feel gloomy on a good day. It was night now, and the streetlights did nothing to alleviate the gloom. The others were doubtlessly off getting lessons somewhere. Or maybe they were getting their song, he heard rumours that their debut shouldn’t be too far off now. A few months at most?
He was happy for them. They deserved this. They wouldn’t leave him behind even when they debuted, didn’t Youngbae still always drop in on him to chat? And when he was around they would always talk to him like nothing had changed. And nothing had changed. They wouldn’t leave him behind.
He pulled the earbuds out of his ear. It was about time to go home, and he could always practice a bit at home. His mom would like that. She always loved to see him practice and improve. He put his ipod into his bag and grabbed his coat.
Out in the hallway he met some of the acting trainees. “Hey noona!” he said cheerfully with a big smile.
“Hey!” one of the trainees said, her name was Kim Seoyeon. She looked a little dishevelled, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and customary trainee bags under her eyes, but she was pretty. Not strikingly beautiful, maybe a little plain, but pretty enough. Baekhyun honestly didn’t know why the others disliked the acting trainees so much, they were really nice, and especially Seoyeon. “You’re heading out?”
“I was about to go home,” he said. “How come you’re still around?”
Seoyeon grimaced. “I have to learn a script by tomorrow and my partner is a dimwit.”
Baekhyun laughed. “Don’t let him hear you say that!”
“Well he is,” she pouted. “He can’t even memorize a script and now I have to remember his parts too so I can prompt him.”
He nodded. “That does sound really annoying!” he agreed. “When are you going to start getting auditions?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. Soon I hope. No word yet from the manager. You’re in limbo too right?”
“Oh I’ll be fine,” Baekhyun said quickly. “They’ll let me know soon for sure! Fighting!”
“Fighting!” she returned, and he went back to making his way out. His breath made puff of smoke in the light of the street lamps as he made his way to the bus stops. Thankfully the snow had been swept this morning and no new snow had fallen. He’d hate to make a fool out of himself by falling onto his behind.
He rubbed his hands together while waiting for the bus. There were a handful of other people waiting even if it was already 11PM. A businessman who must have only just been allowed to leave, and a foreign couple he assumed were tourists, as well as an older lady with her hands full of shopping. He smiled at the older lady and she smiled back. A rare occurrence in Seoul.
He ended up striking a conversation with the older lady, telling her all about being a trainee and waiting to debut while she told him about making a week’s worth of food for her son and his fiance who had just moved in together as a marriage trial. When the next bus came and she boarded it she left with eager promises of buying his albums one day.
Baekhyun smiled to himself. Yes. He’d debut, and people would buy his albums. He just had to keep practicing and things would be okay.
His own bus came soon afterwards, and Baekhyun contented himself with staring out the window, watching Seoul flash by. It was a long ride, about an hour long without traffic, and Baekhyun usually either talked to someone or spent the time zoning out. Now, with nobody who seemed willing to even meet his eyes, he put his headphones in and listened to music.
It was past midnight already when, finally, he walked up to the apartment building, slogged exhausted up the stairs, and opened the door to their house. The light was still on of course, his mom always waited until he was home. “Baek!” she said, and rushed to greet him at the door.
“Hey mom!” he said, hanging his coat and bag up on one of the pegs beside the door. Their apartment was small, just big enough for the three people who inhabited it, but it was cozy and it was theirs.
She moved to the kitchen to grab some leftover food and make tea, as she did every evening when he got home. She took some rice, radish soup, roasted seaweed, and leftover fish out of the fridge and proceeded to warm them up.
“I shouldn’t eat all of this, I’m on a diet,” Baekhyun protested, as he did every night.
“Nonsense. You’re still growing and you need food,” she said, as she did every night. “You’re growing way too thin my little beagle. How was training today?”
“It was nice!” Baekhyun said. “I learned a lot more about singing! I have to do a bit of practice too.”
“Be quiet, your father is sleeping,” his mom said. “But I’m sure he wouldn’t mind waking up if it’s for your training.”
A ding from the microwave and before he knew it he had more food than he should eat in front of him. “I saw Seoyeon again today!”
“Oh the nice acting trainee?” His mom sat down and watched while Baekhyun stuff himself with her food. She wasn’t the best cook, but after a whole day of hardly any food at all it was a welcome change. He felt a little guilty that the other trainees didn’t have access to homemade meals at the end of the day, but he was grateful to his mom for always taking care of him.
Baekhyun nodded in-between spoonfuls for rice. “Yeah! She’s really nice and we talked a bit about training. And of course I saw the guys, I see them day in day out. They’re hardly special,” he joked.
She laughed. “Don’t let them hear you say that! Any news about debut?”
Baekhyun shook his head. “Not yet, but any day now I’m sure!”
“Alright time for me to go to bed, there’s a platoon of small monsters waiting for me in the morning.”She said with a laugh, referring to the class of primary school children she taught. She gave Baekhyun a kiss on the head. “Goodnight my beagle, I’ll see you in the morning.”
Baekhyun put the dishes away diligently when he was done. He loved these little bits of domesticity at the end of the day. It made him forget, for a bit, the pressure he felt when he was at Helix. He was really grateful they’d let him stay at home instead of forcing him to live at the dorms, he’d miss his family way too much.
When he was done he turned off the light and went to bed. Tomorrow was another day. Tomorrow was the day he would show them that he deserved to be there. Tomorrow was the day he would turn it all around for sure.
For now he would sleep.
But tomorrow everything would happen. He could feel it.
I'm very sorry for the long wait! it took a very long time to plan everything for this story, and some things also came up in my life that prevented me from working on it. it is here now though, and i hope all of you like it.
for those of you who didn't make it in, i'm sorry. i had to think both of what characters would give me the best arcs, as well as keep in mind a good level of variety. there were some excellent characters who simply conflicted with others in the story, and i'm very sorry i was unable to choose you in the end and i hope you keep reading anyway.
i'm going to try and get chapters out bi-weekly. not everyone will get a viewpoint every chapter, but don't worry, every character has a story to tell.
i hope you liked it and make sure to tell me what you think!
- liv
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