Ah, it was nothing like opening the door to the family cafe and breathing in that smell of caffeine that signified she was home. The slow roast of coffee and thick smell of sweets in the oven were her childhood, and nobody made a sweet toast like her mother.

“Hey mom,” Hyeran closed the door behind her. “Is that toast I’m smelling?”

“It is!” Kim Soonah called back from behind the counter. Her mother was struggling with a multitude of things at the same time, as usual: juggling a can of coffee, a plate of honey toast, and a packet of envelopes under her arm. Hyeran quickly took over the the can and the envelopes, leaving her mother free to serve the toast to the one customer leaning on the counter. “Do you want some, honey?”

Hyeran grinned. “I would love some honey, but only if it comes with toast.” A weak joke, but it was  yet early and the day was young. She’d do better.  

The guy at the counter snorted. Her mom just laughed. “I should have seen that coming.”

Hyeran looked at the envelopers while her mother made more toast. “Mom?” she said, looking at a bill with aggressive red label. “Are you guys doing okay?”

Soonah snagged the envelope from her hand. “We’re fine. It’s just been a slow month, is all.”

“Mom,” Hyeran started.

“Shht, we’re not talking about it.” Soonah quickly opened a drawer and put the envelop inside. “How have you been?”

“Ah, sorry I haven’t been around much, this semester has kicked my arse.” She grimaced at the the thought of the results she was going to get, these exams had been rough. Studying business had seemed like such a good idea, she’d figured she could help her parents with the cafe if she knew a little something about running a business, but all her courses were geared towards conglomerates or economy or, worse, political economy. All the courses looked at the big pictures, Hyeran just wanted to keep things small and simple but universities just wanted to look at the big global picture. She felt like her year and a half studying had been all but useless.

That was an identity crisis that could wait for another day though. At least until her results came in.

“That’s quite alright,” her mom answered. “Your studies are far more important than little old us. Have you met Woo Chanhee?” Her mom asked, changing the subject with a nod to the guy at the counter, who was very busy trying to soak up every bit of honey on the plate with the last piece of toast.

“Who Chanhee?” Hyeran asked. Better. See, she was warming up.

“He’s the boy we mentioned on the phone a few times,” Soonah said. “The nice one who always comes in and has a chat. He’s a sweetheart.

A few times was an understatement, but she refrained from pointing that out. “You mean the one you’re always giving free coffee and food?” Hyeran knew her parents very well, they were softies the both of them, as much as her mother pretends to be the no-nonsense hardworking type. “At this rate it’s no wonder you keep having rough months if no one ever pays for their coffees.” She glanced at the guy at the counter. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in days, probably one of those diet folks, and he looked exhausted too. She knew that look well, probably a student. Who else would look so bone-tired?

“I like him,” her mother said. “He’s good company, and I have to talk to someone now that you’ve all flown the nest.”

“I’m back now!” Hyeran pouted before she could catch herself.

“For a month or two and then it’s back to school with you and what is a poor woman to do?” Soonah pointed out.

“Replace us poor children with a stranger apparently,” Hyeran grumbled. “And go mildly bankrupt.”

“Hush. we’re fine.” Soonah slid her a plate of honey drenched toast. It looked and smelled divine, as usual. “Go eat.”

Hyeran gave her mom a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks mom.” She took the plate and sat down at the counter, keeping a few stools between her and the guy for good measure. It didn’t deter him from looking her way.

“You come here often?” he asked with a grin.

Did he really just ask that? “Eh… yeah…” she pointed at the door her mother disappeared behind. “That’s my mom…”

“Oh I overheard,” the guy said, smile only growing bigger. It annoyed her. “It just seemed like the right thing to say.” He took a bite from his sweet honey toast. “Oh man, coffee ahjumma makes the best toast.”

Hyeran raised her eyebrows. “Coffee ahjumma? You… do know her name right?”

He looked up. “Eeeeeh…..”

“You’ve been coming here for years and you don’t know her name?!” She couldn’t believe it, what a little ! This was the guy her parents were so fond of?

“Eeeeeeeh……”

She sighed. “It’s Kim Soonah. Don’t forget the name of the one giving you free coffee, you .”

“She should really let me pay for those coffees,” the guy muttered.

“She should,” Hyeran said.

“I’m Woo Chanhee by the way,” He introduced himself like she hadn't just been introduced by her mom. This guy wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

“Jung Hyeran,” he returned, though a little surly. She didn’t like this guy, and it definitely did not have anything to do with the fact that her parents had been talking about him far too much for comfort. She took a bite of her toast, and the taste explosion was almost enough to forget about her unwanted company. Or at least it would have been if the unwanted company had let her forget about him.

“So you’re a student, huh? What do you study?” He was leaning his cheek on one hand and the grin had melted into a confident smile. He looked altogether far too cocky for her liking. Objectively. Without any prior bias on her part at all.

“Business,” she said, keeping her tone cold and distant. Please just shut up and let her eat. Please. She made a point of not asking him what he studied, taking a pointed bite from her toast instead. The mail was just behind the counter, she could grab it and pretend to read it so she looked busy and he might leave her alone. It would look really suspicious if she reached for it now though. It was a balancing act of being rude enough to keep him at bay but not too rude to be, well, outwardly rude. She was determined to nail that balance.

The annoying guy grinned again. “So you mean business huh?”

Did he really just- wow he was so lame. Her jokes were way funnier. She sighed and ate more of her toast. She wasn’t going to dignify that one with a response.

“Here are your drinks,” Soonah came up with a to-go tray filled with coffees. Seven of them. Wow he was really taking advantage of her mom. Didn’t he know that they could use the money?

“Thank you as always,” he said. “The others can probably use the boost.”

“Tell them to come by sometime.”

“Oh trust me, you don’t want those buffoons running around in here. I’m a much better liaison,” Chanhee said with a laugh. “See you later, coffee ajumma!”

Chanhee picked up the coffee tray and got up. Wait there was something there. “You forgot your money,” Hyeran said, grabbing for the yellow 50.000 won bill that was lying on the table.

He turned around at the door and winked at her. “Did I though?”

He was infuriating.

Now why did she have the feeling she’d seem him again sooner than she’d like?

“Did you bring the drinks?” Youngbae asked when Joowon shouldered his way through the door of the dorm, groceries in his arms.

“Sure did,” he said. Seunghoon followed behind with a smaller bag and closed the door.

Ah he'd missed them. The holidays had been a lonely affair for Youngbae. Everyone had gone back to their families, but his didn't really want to hear from him. He's tried calling his mom, but she had told him that maybe he shouldn't come for a while.

Message received.

Christmas had been hell. He used to spend it with Jinah, they'd go to a restaurant (booked by her two months in advance to ensure they'd have a table) and then go home and have a romantic night in. Aside from last time when he’d tried to light candles everywhere and almost set the house on fire, but she’d appreciated the gesture anyway after they’d stomped on the burning curtains, and it had still been a really fun night. A little awkward, since the lack of curtains meant he was pretty sure he’d flashed the neighbours when he got up in the morning. Thankfully they’d never said anything.

Christmas without a date or family was hell, it had been him and Chanhee at the dorms and they'd watched some hallmark feel good movie without feeling very good at all. He wondered why Chanhee hadn't gone home to his family like the others but he hadn't asked.

Jinah had probably had an amazing Christmas with that guy he'd seen her post on sns about. He bet that guy didn’t set her curtains on fire. No, no she couldn't have. He was sure she'd miss him as much as he missed her. She had to.

“Hyung, are you gonna help or what?” Chanhee called from the kitchen.

“Right! Sorry!” Youngbae quickly got up to help them unpack the groceries. “Are we supposed to be eating this stuff?” he wondered, looking at some of the chips and other junk food that accompanied the chicken and noodles and fish and mushrooms and other dinner items.

Seunghoon grabbed the bag of cheetos and hugged it to his chest. “It's new year's eve!” he protested, offended. “Let a man live!”

“I'd hardly call you a man, kiddo,” Joowon joked while putting away the bottles of soju and beer.

“You did get the drinks!” Youngbae said, a smile spreading across his face. That was more like it.

The front door opened again.  “Hey!” Wonwoo called in. “Happy new year’s!”

“Only in a couple of hours!” Joowon called back. “Welcome back!”

Wonwoo had been with his parents too, after finishing some sort of Christmas photoshoot somewhere. Ever since he did that one photo shoot a few months ago, Wonwoo kept getting spirited away to do a shoot here and there. It was always as second fiddle, but he seemed to enjoy it. Youngbae tried very hard not to feel too jealous while they were stuck practicing and getting their comeback delayed.

“Are Jinyoung and Baekhyun coming too?” Chanhee asked.

“Jinyoung is coming as soon as be can get away from his family,” Seunghoon said. “He said he should be here in half an hour or so.”

“Baekhyun is celebrating with his family,” Youngbae said. “He said something about a family tradition, but he wants to facetime when it's almost midnight!”

It was nice to have everyone coming together again. This was the first since they had debuted that they'd been apart for this long. On the one hand it was nice not to be seven guys in a tiny ty apartment anymore, but he'd missed them a lot. As much as Chanhee had actually been alright company the last few weeks, he still wasn't Youngbae favorite person and he'd really missed Joowon.

“Your family really doesn't mind missing you for new year's?” he asked. He felt a little bad for being the one who'd asked them to all celebrate new year's together so he wouldn't be all alone (with Chanhee).

“It's okay,” Seunghoon said. “I'll see them for actual new years anyway, that's the one that actually matters. This is just solar new year.”

“They say that the way you spend new year's eve will determine how your next year will go,” Wonwoo said. “But I'm not sure if solar new year counts too. If so then we should be staying up all night.”

“That's just superstition…. Right?” Youngbae looked to Joowon. He didn’t really feel like staying up the whole night even if he could sleep in tomorrow, and he knew some of them were going back to their family’s in the morning to do the customary new year’s day meals and celebrations. It was all much less fancy than lunar new year, but most families had something going on solar new year too.

“It is,” Joowon said. “We all have to make our own success, which is why we have to work extra hard to make ours next year.”

“We're gonna have so many fangirls it'll be ridiculous.” Youngbae grinned. He could just see it whenever he closed his eyes. Or hear it? Both? Daydreams were confusing. “They'll be screaming so hard we can hardly hear ourselves.”

“That's what inner ears are for, hyung,” Wonwoo said. “So you can hear yourself.”

“Eh… right.’ He’d forgotten about those. “But it'll be hard to! Because of the screaming.”

“Extremely hard,” Joowon nodded.

Chanhee laughed. “The hardest.”

“We should make resolutions when Jinyoung is here,” Seunghoon said. “As kind of good luck thing.  We should talk about what we want to achieve this year.”

Youngbae slung an arm around Seunghoon and pulled him close. “That’s an excellent idea!”

“What are you making?” Wonwoo asked, peeking over Chanhee’s shoulder, who was already chopping green onions.

“I figured I’d make a little bit of everyone's favorite thing,” Chanhee said. “Bite-sized portions, so everyone can have some of everything. Oh, except the fish, you’d best not touch that, Wonwoo.”

Chanhee settled into cooking, with Wonwoo as a little helper, while the rest settled down in the living room. They still didn’t really have any furniture aside from the little table, so mattresses and futons were pulled out of the bedrooms to create a seating area that was more comfortable than the floor.

It was nice, catching up with all of them again. Joowon told a story about the way his sister completely destroyed some competition in her marketing branche with all the animated energy as if he’d been there himself. Seunghoon talked about his own family, some farmer family living in the middle of nowhere who come together for the holidays to become a massive clan. Youngbae couldn’t imagine having that much family, just his small extended family was more than he could deal with.

Halfway through Seunghoon’s story, one that Youngbae was admittedly tuning out, the door opened. “Jin!” Seunghoon immediately stopped his story and went to welcome Jinyoung and wish him a happy new year’s. Youngbae was just kind of happy the story had been interrupted before he’d have had to say something and betray the fact that he totally wasn’t paying attention.

“How was your Christmas?” Seunghoon asked Jinyoung as he pulled him towards where they were sitting.

Jinyoung grimaced. “About as I expected,” he said. “I’m… eh… glad to be back.”

“Me too,” Seunghoon said with a smile that could light up a room. Those two were always closer than anyone else. Youngbae didn’t mind it much, he wasn’t all that close with either of them. He always ended up saying the wrong thing to Seunghoon, and he didn’t feel like he had much in common with Jinyoung. It was good that they had each other. Like he had Joowon.

“What’s what smell?” Jinyoung asked, sniffing the air.

“Chanhee’s cooking,” Joowon said. “This is going to be one hell of a meal.”

“Is there some room for extra bibimbap? My mom gave me some for you guys. She makes the best bibimbap.”

Hours went by while Chanhee cooked or sometimes joined them as different parts of his huge meal were in the oven or on the stove. Youngbae had never really been a good cook, so he was a little in awe how Chanhee could manage it. The guy was essentially making 6 full dinners in small, but he still somehow juggled all of them at once and didn’t unload a whole bottle of hot sauce on it. Madness.

At one point Joowon grabbed his laptop and they watched some videos, and Seunghoon grabbed the guitar he’d once again stolen from the company and they played some tunes. It was all very chill and easygoing, and Youngbae found himself forgetting they were idols at all, forgetting that their comeback had been pushed back three times now and in two days they were expected back for more dance practice for a song they should have brought out already. They were just a bunch of… what? Friends? Coworkers? Something in between?

Family. They were a family on new year’s eve.

Then Chanhee and Wonwoo brought out the dishes one by one, and there was so much that their little dinner table wasn’t enough, and Chanhee confiscated one of the futons as the banquet table while Joowon brought the soju. There was roasted fish for him, some spicy food for Wonwoo, that hong kong pork stuff that Seunghoon had taken a liking to, two portions of bibimbap (one Chanhee had made and one Jinyoung’s mother had made, Chanhee had complained at length that he’d already been working on some when Jinyoung came with his tupperware box), bulgogi for Joowon who always loved the classics, and this weird meat and rice goop in some plant leaf thing that Chanhee had made for himself. Aside from that there were heaps of rice, little dumplings, kimchi (of course), rice cake soup, and various rolls of kimbap. Youngbae was sure they would be eating leftovers for the rest of the week, it was that much food. And everything looked amazing.  

This was the best new year’s eve Youngbae had ever had, and it was only 10PM.

Well no, the best new year’s even he’d ever had was the one time he and Jinah had tried to go home for new year’s eve on the day itself, mostly because Youngbae had had to stay and train right up until the day before and Jinah had agreed to go together, but it had been so crazy busy at the station filled with people going home last minute that they had ended up taking the wrong train and instead of going to Daegu they had ended up in Mokpo and they’d ended up just going to the beach and he’d bet her that he’d totally jump into the sea even if it was freezing and she’d said he wouldn’t so he had even though she tried to stop him and they’d had to check into this hotel neither of them could afford while he was still dripping wet and shivering, wearing both his clothes and her coat and scarf on top, and they’d watched the fireworks from their window. He’d had a bad cold (or pneumonia? He wasn’t sure what the difference was) for weeks after that night and his vocal teacher had kicked his for not taking care of himself.

This was the second-best new year’s eve he’d ever had.

God, he missed Jinah so much and it hurt so bad.

It had been so much easier to ignore it while they had been busy, but the continuously pushed back comeback meant that they weren’t really doing much of anything at all, and the holiday week had just underlined how big the hole she’d left in his life was.

“Are you okay hyung?” Joowon asked.

Youngbae realized that he’d been holding a piece of rice cake in front of his mouth for god knew how long. “Oh… yeah…” He quickly stuffed the rice cake into his mouth.

Joowon didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t pry. “Here let me top you up.” Joowon poured some more soju into Youngbae’s nearly empty glass. Right! Alcohol will make it better!

When Joowon was content that Youngbae was drinking his soju, he continued chatting to Seunghoon and Jinyoung about music stuff. Youngbae kinda wished he could join that conversation but he didn’t know much about music stuff at all. That stuff was better left to those three.

Everyone was off just talking amongst each other. Except for at him. He felt like he should say something leader-like. He was the leader after all, and he thought he was doing quite a good job at it too, even Chanhee had come around and they were a real team now. Super leader Youngbae! So he should probably say something because this was an important meal and everyone was talking in clusters and not all together and didn’t Seunghoon say something about resolutions?

“Hey, so,” Youngbae started loud enough to get everyone’s attention. “This might be a good time to talk about those resolutions?”

Everyone turned to face him, some in the middle of speaking. “Huh?” Jinyoung looked confused, a piece of bibimbap halfway to his mouth.

“Seunghoon suggested we talk about new year’s resolutions,” Joowon quickly filled him in.  “That’s an excellent idea, hyung. By the time we’ve eaten all of this and cleaned up, there might not be any time left.”

Wonwoo nodded. “Resolutions should be made beforehand. I think.”

They all looked at Youngbae expectantly. He’d been looking at Joowon, waiting for him to start, before realizing that they were waiting for him to start. Abort abort he hadn’t actually thought of anything! He cleared his throat. “Eeeh I want us to be super popular of course! I want legions of screaming fans.” And not Jinah back. “I want to not hear the music over the screams.” Definitely not Jinah back. “And maybe meet Big Bang sunbaes, they’re really cool.” Nothing to do with Jinah at all.

Joowon laughed. “Lofty goals, I like it.” He looked at the next in line, Chanhee, and Youngbae followed.

“I want to act,” Chanhee said simply. Youngbae hadn’t expected anything different, Chanhee had always not really been with them. He was with them but not really with them. Did that make sense? He thought it did. “Of course I want us to do good too,” he continued. “I mean you guys have worked hard for it and it would if that goes to waste…”

“But in the end, you’re just interested in acting,” Jinyoung filled in for him. Youngbae didn’t like his tone much thought he couldn’t quite tell why. It wasn’t hostile but it wasn’t good either. It was giving him bad feels.

Chanhee shrugged. “Yeah, basically.”

“Eeeh Wonwoo?” Youngbae changed the focus quickly. Joowon almost looked proud.

Wonwoo paused for a while to think, and Youngbae was getting a little impatient until he finally decided on what to say. “I want the Chaser to debut in the top 50,” he said. “That’s all. Something attainable but good.”

Jinyoung didn’t look convinced. He was holding his glass of soju and staring intently at it. “That’s not enough thought,” he said softly. “I don’t think.”

“You’re next in line,” Joowon said. “What do you want to achieve next year?”

“I want recognition,” he said. “I want people to see how great we are. I don’t just want a passable place on the charts, I want a breakthrough. We’ve worked so hard for this, for all of this. Years we have trained, and then for the past year we’ve worked so hard, and we’re good. Our songs are good. People need to see that. They need to.”

A hushed quiet came over all of them. Youngbae didn’t like this at all, he didn’t like it when people talked like that. Like they were a failure. They weren’t a failure. Lots of boy groups took some time to get successful, this was fine. This was just their waiting time. Jinyoung talked as if they were doing terrible, as if they had no chances left. No, no that was just how it sounded. They were fine, they’d get there.

Chanhee cleared his throat. “What about you, Seunghoon?”

“I want to sing,” Seunghoon said earnestly. “As long as I’m singing, and with you guys, it’ll be okay. Honestly, I know we haven’t been doing well, and there are definitely things that have been .” He pulled a face and Youngbae was reminded of the face. Yikes. That was a thing. “I’m just happy to be doing this at all. I didn’t really think I would, even while I was a trainee I didn’t think it would actually happen.” He laughed softly to himself. “I didn’t even expect to like singing this much! Or be any good in it. I’ve got Jin to thank for that.”

Jinyoung smiled, a welcome change from the sour of before. “You’re very welcome.”

“I just wanted to get out of the farm, but now that I’m here I want so much more. I want to sing. I want to stand on stage with you guys and show whoever’s watching what we’ve been working on, and it doesn’t matter who watches and who doesn’t, as long as someone does.” Seunghoon finished, face full of conviction. Youngbae liked that a lot better.

“Best for last?” Chanhee asked, looking at Joowon to complete the circle.

“Of course I want us to succeed,” Joowon said. “But such goals are better left to what the future brings, I think. Ambition is good, but when it comes to new year’s resolutions we should look to what we can accomplish ourselves, not for what others can do for us. After all, we can only influence ourselves. What’s most important to me is that we do it together as a team. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing as far as teamworks goes. Chanhee, for one, was a prick for 80% of our time together.”

Chanhee was in the middle of taking a sip of soju and snorted so hard he burst out into a coughing fit and Youngbae slapped him on the back to help.

“That’s enough thank you,” Chanhee said, a pained expression on his face that Youngbae wasn’t sure was because of the soju he’d just snorted up his nose or Youngbae’s own attempts to help.

“But,” Joowon continued, sparing only one more cheeky grin at Chanhee. “We’ve all gotten so much closer in the past year, debut will do that. We’re a team, all of us, and whatever happens we’re going to face it together. So that’s my resolution, to have your backs as much as I hope you’ll have mine.

“So let’s drink to that!” Joowon ended his monologue with his glass of soju raised.

“Cheers!”

The rest of the dinner was just as lively. They talked about all sort of things, from future decorative plans for the dorm to family time (a conversation Youngbae stayed out of, and it hurt a little to listen to the others talk about their fun holidays) to that one time Seokmin had accidentally farted in the minivan. They also got progressively drunker. Or, well, Youngbae did, he wasn’t sure about the others. Wasn’t sure of much of anything with the fog encroaching.

At one point plates were getting cleared, and Youngbae stood up to help only to stagger backwards and someone (Wonwoo? Or Chanhee? Maybe Joowon? Seokmin? Was Seokmin here?) gently pushed him back down and said something along the lines of “you’ve had enough to think”. Or was it “you’ve had enough to drink”? Oh that would probably make more sense.

At one point a phone was pushed into his face, and Youngbae remembered waving and grinning at Youngbae in the phone. No no, not a Youngbae, a Baekhyun! Hah. In the phone. Like was just a lil midget living inside the little device. Youngbae giggled.

“Happy new year!” He said at the midget Baekhyun in the device. Or did he yell it? Okay yeah he’d definitely yelled it.

“Not yet!” Baekhyun said. “Two more minutes!”

Oh. Oh two more minutes! “Happy almost new year!!”

Midget Baekhyun laughed. “Happy almost new year to you too, hyung.”

Wonwoo took over on the facetime front, trying to figure out the best place to put the phone so that all of them were into view. Meanwhile Joowon set up the laptop with a livestream of the bell at Bosingok, which someone important would ring and then there would be fireworks! The camera panned over the crowd, though Youngbae had a hard time focusing on it.

Someone put another glass into his hand.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” someone next to him asked.

“It’s new year!” someone else protested, sounding pretty drunk himself. Almost as drunk as Youngbae. “If there’s any time to drink it’s now!”

Youngbae didn’t have to be told twice. He raised the glass to his mouth but someone else smacked it away. “Wait!” The blurry face of Chanhee came into view, he pointed at the screen. “It’s to toast!”

“Here’s the countdown!” Seunghoon said, scooching up next to Jinyoung, almost blocking the screen for Youngbae.

“10.”

“9.”

“8.”

“7.”

“6.”

“4-” someone nudged him.

“Eh, 4!”

“3”

“2”

“1”

Fireworks filled the screen. “Happy new year!” Glasses were into the air, Youngbae was sure he felt half of it splosh over his hand before he down the shot. It had been a shot right?

There was hugging. There was congratulating. Most of them snuck off to call family for congratulations while Youngbae grabbed for more soju. More cheers.

And, well, that was all he remembered

It was the day before seolal, lunar new year’s eve, the company was empty - the city was empty - but Aeon was still in the practice room.

“I can’t believe we’re here right now.” Seunghoon had his knees drawn up and chin resting on top of them, pout visible for all to see. Jinyoung felt bad for him, he knew Seunghoon had been looking forward to spending lunar new year in his hometown. He knew family meant a lot to the kid, even if he wasn’t shy about announcing his escape to the big city.

Jinyoung was honestly relieved. The Christmas holidays had brought with them enough reminders of his own failure. When they’d debuted, Jinyoung had thought that he’d finally prove his dad wrong, that his dad would stop saying his mantra. ‘You’ll regret choosing as flimsy a career as an entertainer. In-’ wait, how many years was it now? His dad always updated the count. ‘In 6 years you will look back and see that you have accomplished nothing and waste your life.’

He’d thought that after debut that would be gone. He’d achieved what he’d set out to do, debut. But of course they weren’t successful yet, and his dad had seen fit to grab onto that. ‘Just because you debuted doesn’t mean you’re not still wasting your life.’

Thanks, dad.

At least his mom’s bulgogi was still the best. Sorry Chanhee.

Seolal meant that he would’ve had to face the rest of the family too, no doubt colored through the negativity of his dad. At least he escaped having to look at his aunts and grandparents and show how much of a disappointment he was. Positive things. And he’d show them. He’d show them when they were stars. And they would be stars.

Jinyoung absentmindedly patted Seunghoon’s knee. “Nothing to it. Here we are.” They were filming their music video the day after the seolal celebrations and the company wanted to make sure that their dance was impeccable. Like they hadn’t been practicing it for the last two months now. Three? He didn’t even know anymore. Seokmin had been apologetic when he brought the news, to his credit, though Jinyoung wasn’t quite sure where his decisions ended and the CEO’s began.

It didn’t matter much in the end. Decisions were decisions, and while he felt bad for Seunghoon, Joowon, and Baekhyun who were obviously bummed, it made Jinyoung’s shoulders a little lighter.

Joowon came back in with freshly filled water bottle and tossed them around. Jinyoung managed to caught his (and also Seunghoon’s, as Hoonie fumbled with his) and took a grateful gulp. They already had several hours of practice behind them.

“Seokmin tasked us with filming the guide video today as well,” Joowon said. “So let’s have a change of pace.”

“I bet Seokmin is with family right now,” Seunghoon said sourly and Jinyoung patted his knee some more.

“Come on, off your asses,” Joowon clapped his hand. Behind him Wonwoo was already setting up the camera for the guide video. “We’ve got a job to do.”

Jinyoung got up and extended a hand to Seunghoon as well, who grumbled a bit but got up anyway. The guide video required them to dance through their song, raising their hand whenever one of them had their lines. This way the camera operators knew who to focus on. This was especially important for a dance like The Chaser were the one singing wasn’t always in the center.

The day was appropriately drab. Muted light filtered through the high windows of the basement, doing nothing to make the space feel less claustrophobic and shabby. The room where they’d spent months practicing this same dance. What was one more time?

At least they were finally actually making their comeback now, after being pushed back time and time again, and their months practice did bear fruit. They were more synchronized than they’d ever been. Not perfectly, that would require a level of dedication even Joowon didn’t have, but well enough to stand out for it. Or so they hoped.

So they shot the video, and Jinyoung tried not to feel the ache in his heart at the fact that he didn’t raise his hand quite as often as he’d like. That it was only halfway through the song that he got to raise his hand at all, that he only got to raise his hand twice. It was a good song, they looked good performing it, and Seunghoon sounded good too. He was proud of the guy, he’d come a long way from that cheerful little thing who’d imposed friendship on him.

The sound of sneakers on laminate flooring echoed through the room before the final chords of the song faded away.

“Got it on one go!” Joowon boomed as he turned the video recorded off.

“With the amount of time we’ve been practicing it, I should hope so,” Chanhee returned.

“Can we take a break?” Youngbae whined. “I don’t want to run through it again.”

Joowon laughed. “Alright, leader. We can take a break.” He went to his backpack and pulled out his laptop. It didn’t take long for everyone to get the hint and crowd around it. Internet time was a precious commodity these days, but there was no Seokmin to watch them now. The building was empty. Even the acting trainees were gone. Nobody to be on their case for wasting time.

“Can you find out who’s coming back at the same time as us?” Youngbae asked.

“Only if they’ve announced it,” Joowon said. “Has Helix announced our comeback yet?”

“It’s gonna be in like four weeks!” Baekhyun said. “Shouldn’t they have?”

Joowon shrugged. “Sometimes it’s announced like two weeks in advance, but usually that’s just the big groups.” He ticked in ‘Aeon comeback’ but nothing came up. “I guess they’re waiting until after the holiday.”

“Anything about 4Minute?” Jinyoung couldn’t help himself asking. It’d be really cool to run into them backstage again, and he totally wasn’t just saying that because Sohyun was gorgeous and he’d do unspeakable things for her.

A quick search turned up negative. “G.Na is coming back apparently,” Joowon said.

“Ooh she has a nice….” Jinyoung coughed. “Voice.” Chanhee snorted next to him.

“Hey what’s that?” Wonwoo pointed to one of the articles in the sidebar. Jinyoung peered over Joowon’s shoulder to read it better. It was an article about some other group he hadn’t heard of before called Infinite. Something about- oh.

Oh no.

Joowon opened the article, and the headline filled the screen, loud and clear.

Rookie group Infinite talks about their knife-like synchronization.

The article briefly interfaced that this Infinite’s recent headlined for their 100% synchronized and sharp choreography before linking a dance version of the song in question: Before the Dawn. Joowon clicked play.

It was true, they were impossible synchronized. Jinyoung was in awe. Each of their moves matched the other, if you paused the video he didn’t doubt they would each look the exact same.

“They’re like robots,” Seunghoon commented with the same awe Jinyoung felt.

He let out a low whistled when, towards the end of the song, the group pushed themselves up from the ground to their feet in perfect synchronization.

“Woah! That was really cool!” Youngbae said.

Joowon scrolled down in silence, so they could read the rest of the article. There was a short interview bit where members of the group talked about their synchronization and how much the attention meant to them, bla bla nothing interesting.

“So what does this mean?” Seunghoon asked. “It doesn’t change anything for us does it?”

Jinyoung knew what it meant. It changed everything.

“It means we’re done.” There was a note of defeat in Joowon’s voice that Jinyoung had never heard before. Joowon was always such a force of strength, the one to push them forward even when the going got tough. Now his shoulders were slumped as he stared at the screen.

“Why?” Youngbae asked, confused. “What’s done?”

“There can’t be two groups known for their synchronization,” Wonwoo explained. “They got there first, and I have to admit they’re better than us.”

“Why can’t there be two?” Baekhyun asked. “We can both be really synchronized! This doesn’t have to change anything, we’ll just both kick !”

“That’s not how it works, Baek,” Jinyoung said. “At most we’ll be the ones who are slightly worse than they are. At worst we’ll be branded as copycats.” All this time Joowon had pushed them towards synchronicity. So much for that.

“How do they even get like that?” Seunghoon wondered. “That’s nuts.” Jinyoung had to agree, they’d been practicing this song for months and even then there were parts that they could never quite get synchronized, like Seunghoon’s solo chorus, and Chanhee still stood out as a stiff thumb sometimes. These guys looked like they were part of a hive mind.

Chanhee squinted at the screen. “,” he swore. “They tape themselves apparently, and go over it frame by frame for mistakes. That’s dedication.”

“How do we compete with that?” Seunghoon asked. Even Hoonie sounded uncertain and scared.

“We can’t,” Joowon said. “We can’t compete with that.”

There was a silence as all of them as the words settled in.

“What do we do now?” Wonwoo asked.

“I don’t know.” Joowon closed his laptop. “I don’t know what we do now.”

“Oh.”

Jinyoung slumped back against the wall. Part of him felt relieved that he wasn’t the only one who saw the warning signs now, that Joowon wasn’t gathering them all and pushing forward again. It was so tiring to keep being pushed forward with a positivity he didn’t feel. He didn’t like feeling like he was the only one who saw the truth. Now they saw too.

There were no roses at the end of this tunnel.

But there had to be. Goddamnit they had to be, he would not be doing this for nothing all these years. There had to be light there, spotlight, on him, on all of them.

But would there be?

Part of him felt relief at seeing Joowon’s slumped shoulders. The bigger part just felt more defeated. Joowon saying it made it real, not just a nagging voice in the back of his head. Real. Failure.

“Come on, this isn’t that bad!” Baekhyun said, voice even squeakier than usual. “We still have a really good song! So we’re not as in sync as these guys, that’s okay! We can be distinctive in other ways!”

“Yeah,” Youngbae said, though he sounded far less convinced than Baekhyun did. Both of their protests were met with silence.

They had been distinctive. They had had their own thing to make them stand out with Wow. Fun, high energy stages, maybe not as neat and controlled as Jinyoung would have liked, but something to call their own. Helix had wasted that.

“Come on,” Joowon said after a while. Enough wallowing apparently. “Let’s run through it two more times and then I’ll buy you chicken. We might not be the most synchronized idols on the scene, but we’ll still show them a damned good performance.”

“Besides, the song hasn’t even come out yet,” Baekhyun said. “We can’t write it off yet! We have to stay positive!”

Joowon nodded. “Baekhyun’s right. Come on you lazy butts! If Seokmin hyung would see us now he’d get that disappointment look if his.” Joowon mimicked the look perfectly and even Jinyoung laughed at it. The look that said he’d expected better of them much more effectively than any words could.

Next to him Seunghoon laughed and got up. “Nooo that looks is the worst! I always feel so guilty.” This time it was he who offered Jinyoung a hand. Jinyoung accepted, letting Hoonie pull him up to his feet. This had put a serious damper in what should have been a nice seolal of work and no family, but he supposed wallowing in it wouldn’t do any of them any good. It hadn’t taken too long for Joowon to spring right back into his usual self and maybe, along with it, for the world to right itself.

If only for a few days.

It was late and quiet in the dorm on the late hours of solar new year. The celebrations had ended hours ago, not quite so festive as their solar new year had been. They had been a lot more muted after the blow of the day before, though Wonwoo admired Joowon for jumping back so quickly. He’d sounded so gutting when his plan had unravelled in front of him, but he’d gathered the pieces up quickly enough to pull all of them back together.

Wonwoo wondered sometimes what they’d do without him. Joowon very much felt like the pin that kept everything together. He might not be the leader but he was definitely the leader.

It had been a fun day. They had practiced a bit, both their title track and a potential follow up track, and then ran through their previous songs to keep them fresh in mind as well. As far as Wonwoo knew, they’d be allowed to perform a second song on one of the music shows, the Saturday one, for a little over a minute, so they were drilling in that one too. The company had wanted to do Tic Toc, but Joowon had convinced them to go with Amazing as the lighter option.

Wonwoo wasn’t quite sure how the company had managed to get them a spot for a second track, but there weren’t a lot of comebacks this round and Seokmin had said something about another artist not making it for the Sunday show due to overseas promotions and they were one of the benefitters.

The dorm was quiet now, the others had long gone to sleep. They’d planned on having a celebration like they did last time, but the practice had worn them all out and shortly after the clock struck midnight one by one they had disappeared into their rooms to sleep. All but Wonwoo. Well, and Baekhyun, but he had falled asleep on the floor two hours ago.

He’d prepped the house for New Year’s beforehand, getting up earlier than the others to do it (and almost tripping over Seunghoon’s sleeping body, who still slept between the bunk beds instead of in his own room). He’d hung a bamboo strainer next to the door, the others hadn’t even noticed it was there. Probably for the better, he was sure they’d for the superstition, but Wonwoo had always learned that it was better to be safe than sorry, and they could use all the luck they could get.

He’d hid their shoes too, after they had all gone inside, and put them in the kitchen cabinet so the ghosts couldn’t find them and steal them. He’d take them out again when the sun was up, they wouldn’t even know he’d done it, but it made him feel better.

He’d learned these things from his dad. His mom didn’t much care about superstitious customs, but his dad had learned them from his parents and so forth, and Wonwoo liked to keep the traditions alive. He wasn’t quite sure if he believed in them, but he also didn’t not believe in them. Maybe the rice strainer could filter out the bad luck, maybe it couldn’t. It was better to do it anyway, just in case.

He’d hung a lucky charm on each of their doors too. Just for luck. Seolal was the most important day of the year after all, spiritually. His dad always used to say that it was the day that would determine your luck for the rest of the year.

So now there was one last custom to heed, though the others had laughed at him when he suggested it. To stay up the entire night. He remembered his grandma whispering into his ear as a kid: you had better not fall asleep on new year! It was bad luck, better to stay awake and reflect on the past year so he’d be ready for the new year.

The only one who’d wanted to stay up with him was Baekhyun, but the kid had fallen asleep around 2AM and Wonwoo let him sleep. He didn’t really believe in the bad luck anyway, so it did no harm to him. Wonwoo was fairly certain that you had to believe in the luck for it to work.

So here he was, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the dorm, waiting for the sun to come up and thinking about the past year. It had been a maelstrom of events, from debut to comeback, from hope to disappointment, but not always for Wonwoo. He didn’t mind their lack of success much, though he did hate seeing the others so disappointed. To him, though, it was fine enough as it was. He was content to do what they were doing.

Was he really enjoying being an idol? He wasn’t sure, but did it really matter? It’s what others wanted for him so it’s what he did. His little sister would give him an earfull for thinking like that, but it was true for him. He was content enough as it was.

The modelling though, that had been fantastic. He’d had some more shoots after the first one, each with the same photographer, and he’d enjoyed every second of it. He loved getting styled and putting on the clothes and standing on front of the camera. Part Cha Wonwoo, part someone else entirely. He wondered if this was how actors felt when they portrayed a character. And then he’d chat with the crew and talk about their experiences and that was even more interesting.

And maybe being apart from the others for a bit was also a bit of a relief, though he felt bad thinking it. It was odd, being a cog in a wheel like that. He didn’t quite not like it, but there was no denying it was nice to be somewhere where they knew him as Cha Wonwoo, not Aeon’s Primo. Not a part of something bigger but a part of himself.

He hoped that they would find more success in the coming year, for the sake of the others. For himself he hoped he’d get to model more. That was all he was asking of the universe.

So he stayed up, even if it meant being groggy in the morning as the ran through a final day of practice before the music video shoot.

You never knew what a bit of luck could do.

i'm sorry for the wait! But here it is, with many new years to celebrate. i hope you like the chapter, and let me know what you though!

- liv