Joowon hadn’t been this excited for a promotional cycle since their debut. For once everything was going the way they should have been going all along. They were promoting a song that was them for the first time since Wow. This would make all of the difference. He was sure of it.

The day of their comeback stage started at home, for one, in Chanhee’s Salon. Chanhee was going around with a brush and hairspray, getting their hair ready. Then he helped them all put on some basic foundation and contouring and a bit of eyeliner here and there. It was a very soft and natural look, they didn’t have the means to get fancy, but it was all part and parcel of the concept and Joowon liked it better this way. They looked approachable, as opposed to those dark smokey looks boy groups were going for nowadays. No dramatic eyeliner lines or metallic eyeshadow, just a group of boys next door ensuring the audience that nothing was over.

One week. When all was said and done, the music and video presented to the CEO, he’d approved of one week of music show promotions, without the professional styling. The weekend ones were shortened by 3o seconds too. A special limited comeback to the fans the company was calling it. Joowon called it taking the cheap way out but he wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He’d worth with every scrap he could get out of the company.

One good thing about Helix being too cheap to dish out for the hairdresser was they didn’t have to factor in the half hour drive to and from into their schedule as well. The extra sleep time was welcome, at least, and he liked seeing Chanhee work his magic. Chanhee caught him looking and gave him a cheeky wink. It was hard to imagine that just last year this guy had been the biggest tsundere on the planet. What a .

Seokmin knocked on the bathroom door while Chanhee was still finishing his own makeup and Joowon was sitting on the edge of the bathtub watching the artist at work. “Are you guys ready to go?” At least they were allowed to keep Seokmin for the week. It felt weird to have a full house back in the dorm, manager included. It had felt empty when they’d been living here with just the four of them. Now it felt right again.

They filed into the van just like they had before, only this time they carried their own plastic-encased wardrobe with them. The same outfits as the MV, they didn’t have that many sponsored clothes so they had to ration them.

There was an air of nerves in the car as they got closer and closer to the MNET building. Jinyoung was tapping his foot in the back, louder and louder the closer they got. Joowon didn’t blame him, this was a big one. This was one where they’d have to prove their worth. He didn’t actually think that they’d suddenly be popular after one song but it was still an important effort.

The changing room they’d been assigned to was even smaller than the ones before. They were crammed somewhere off the beaten track in a dressing room that was only barely big enough, the sofas were all worn and old, and they had to share it with some equipment like a smoke machine. He didn’t think there was a bigger disrespect possible. At least they got to perform their full song on MCountdown, unlike any of the other stations. He’d take any victory. And even if it was a shorted version, they were still performing their song.

Seunghoon was smiling to himself as he looked at the smoke machine. It was good to see the kid loosening up a bit, he’d seemed tense lately. It was a good idea to get him involved in the lyric writing, Joowon thought..

“How many fans do you think came?” Jinyoung asked Joowon. “More than last time?”

“Well there weren’t a lot of announcements about our comeback,” Joowon said. “Just the drop of the MV, so I don’t expect the number to have grown much yet, but with a fantastic performance we can show that we’re worth it for any prospective fans. If we bring our A game it is bound to gain some attention.”

“We did a amazing job with the song,” Youngbae said. “They’ve got to see that. What other boy group did all the creative stuff for their own song? We’re so much awesomer than all the others on stage and they’re going to see that.”

Joowon laughed, giving Youngbae a slap on the back. “That’s more like it!” A little ambitious but he embraced the positive spirit.

The day went much the way they always went at music shows except for the fact that they had no physical albums to hand out, everything was digital for this comeback, not even a special edition was in sight. So they didn’t get to go around and meet other people, despite the fact that Joowon had argued that the very act of networking was much more important than the handing over of a physical CD. But Seokmin had said that the company didn’t want a loss of face by admitting to the lack of physicals so they were locked into the dressing room.

There was waiting, there was getting dressed, there was more waiting, there was a rehearsal. It was all like they’d experienced it before. It wasn’t Joowon’s favorite part about the idol process but he did miss feeling so connected to the fans. He looked forward to standing on stage and seeing their little section in the crowd again, knowing their fans were out there. Knowing that they weren’t creating this music in a vacuum and there were people listening to their message. That’s what counted.

“I thought you’d like those rookies,” Chanhee grinned and nudged Jinyoung when they filtered back into the dressing room after rehearsals. “Their maknae kind of looks like Hyuna.”

“Who?” Joowon asked. “The 2X girl?” He didn’t pay that much attention to rookies, usually. People on the same rung of the ladder were a good contact to have, but those on higher rungs were far more useful. He didn’t think he’d talked much to 2X despite them debuting in the same year.

Jinyoung snorted. “Only like a fetus version, she has no personality at all. Besides, Hyuna is the least interesting member of 4Minute. Give me a Sohyun clone and we’ll talk.”

“Hyuna seems sweet,” Seunghoon contributed. “I mean- eh- pretty. Hot?”

Jinyoung snorted. “Only on stage! And that Shiha too. Have you seen that variety show? Invincible Youth? She’s such a little crybaby in real life. I like Yuri noona though.”

“You’ve been watching a lot of that show,” Joowon said with a grin, locking eyes with Chanhee for a moment. They’d have to devise adequate ways to mess with Jinyoung with this new information.

“My mom watched a lot of reruns!” Jinyoung argued.

Youngbae grinned too, eager to be a part of the jokes. “That’s what they always say, right Joowon?”

“You got that right, hyung.”

Seokmin grabbed Joowon’s arm to halt him. “I’ve got a call to take,” he said, motioning with his phone. “Can you get them back to the dressing room without incident?”

Joowon nodded. “You can count on me.”

He got them all safely back to the changing room despite Youngbae’s best efforts to get sidetracked by some idols in the distance.

“That was a good rehearsal,” Joowon said. “No mistakes on our part or the tech staff. We’re going to do splendidly.”

“How long until the performance?” Youngbae asked.

Joowon sighed. Youngbae should have known this, it wasn’t like Seokmin hadn’t been carrying a schedule around with him all day. He’d checked. “We’re up in two hours, granted there are no delays during the shoot.” No pre-recording this time, just the live show.

They all changed into their MV outfits, the ones with the pastel pants. He thought it was a bit SHINee-esque, not quite his style, but this was the one thing they didn’t have any control over.Some sacrifices had to be made for the greater good, he supposed.

Despite their nervous it was lively in the waiting room. Chanhee was talking about a horrendously failed audition one of the acting trainees had told him about a few weeks ago and all of them were hanging onto his every word. Joowon was watching, trying hard not to feel like a proud momma duck. Chanhee could rival him as a storyteller one cheeky grin and big gesture at a time. It was easy to forget there was an actor underneath the little exterior but when the actor came out it was fabulous. Even Wonwoo was paying close attention, laughing along to every joke, and Joowon had a hard time not feeling unduly proud of that achievement as well.

How his little team had grown.

It was about an hour later when Seokmin came back in, Joowon had been about to get worried. That was a long time to be taking a phone call. “See?” Joowon said. “Flock is in one piece…” he trailed off at the sight of Seokmin’s ashen face. “Hyung? What’s wrong?”

“Joowon,” he said, voice as grave as his expression. “I need to talk to you. In private.”

The room fell silent. All of them shot questioning glances at Joowon and Seokmin. “Sure,” Joowon said. He turned to the others. “Try not to break down the waiting room while I’m going, okay? There’s only so many damages my wallet can cover for.”

Of course Chanhee picked the joke up immediately, bless his soul. “You never let us have any fun. Killjoy.”

He followed Seokmin to the end of their little dead end hallway. Seokmin sat down on a chair that seemed to be abandoned there. Joowon had no choice but to remain standing. “I have bad news,” Seokmin said.

“If they’re disbanding us I won’t stand for it,” Joowon started. Those s in their offices were not going to take away the best thing that had happened to all of them. “We just need more chances. Other groups have come back from this before-”

“Joowon, please,” Seokmin shushed him. Joowon was about to open his mouth and keep going when Seokmin interrupted him. “You’re not disbanding. There’s something else. It’s about the song you wrote...”

“Well?” Joowon asked when the manager didn’t immediately continue. Worry was pooling in the pit of his stomach. “What’s wrong with the song?”

“It’s been flagged for plagiarism.” A cold wave of worry washed over him. “The artists of the original song, choosing to remain anonymous, have reached out to Helix with accusations. Foreigners, I think. They’re asking for monetary compensation and damages.”

No. No that couldn’t be. How could that be? He’d been careful! “What do I do?” Joowon paced back and forth in the hallway. “Isn’t there someone we can call? What is Helix doing? Does Helix have lawyers?”

“Of course Helix has lawyers,” Seokmin said. He was sitting on a chair looking as unhappy as Joowon felt.

“I don’t like the way you said that.”

“There’s nothing they can do. The CEO made it clear, Joowon. You wrote the song so you have to face the consequences.”

Joowon brushed a hand through his hair. Nothing’s Over had been flagged for copyright. God, he knew he shouldn’t have taken so much inspiration from that Swedish song.

“Look,” Seokmin started. “They said they wanted this to go to court as much as we do. They’re offering a settlement but it’s steep.”

“Can we fight it?” Joowon asked.

“We could, but you will have no support from Helix since this was an independent project. They have no obligation to help you. You’d have to find and pay for your own lawyer, the costs of the suit would add up to as much as the settlement with no guarantee that you’ll win.” Seokmin sighed unhappily. “You’ve really gotten yourself in a pickle now, Joowon. Is it true?”

“What? Did I plagiarize?” He felt a sting that Seokmin would even ask, but then, hadn’t he? “I don’t know. I think so. There was a song that I got inspired by but I didn’t think it was enough to warrant a plagiarism suit.” He didn’t even steal any actual passages, just a general idea! But he’d been listening to songs all evening, was it possible that he’d accidentally strayed too close to something he’d heard without even realizing?

Seokmin got up from his chair. “Come on, you’ve got a performance in half an hour, focus on that. We’ll figure something out. We will.”

Joowon squared his shoulders. “No, I will.”

Seokmin lead him back to the changing room. “What did you do to your hair?!” Chanhee all but screeched at the sight of him. he’d forgotten that he wasn’t supposed to touch it.

“Can you fix it?” he asked absentmindedly. He didn’t really care about the answer, honestly.

“Can I-” Chanhee said, offended. “It was perfect! Sit! Let’s see if I can work a miracle.” He held out his hand, keeping his eyes on the travesty that was Joowon’s hair. “Hairspray.”

Wonwoo obediently put the canister of hairspray in Chanhee’s hand, who he shook it menacingly. He brushed through Joowon’s hair, getting the part back into place as nicely as it could and ordering eyes closed before the cloud of hairspray descended again. Joowon hardly noticed any of it, it was like a haze.

He was constantly running sums through his head trying to figure out a way -any way- for him to pay what he owed. He had to take a loan, and he knew that with his career and lack thereof the terms would not be favorable. How was he going to afford this? How was he going to get himself out of this hole?

“There. You may call me an artiste,” Chanhee said, stepping back to admire his own work. “Or a miracle worker. I respond to either.”

Joowon glanced in the mirror. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Chanhee frowned. “Don’t try to sound too in awe.”

“Maybe he’s saving his awe for the stage?” Wonwoo offered.

“That’s the only mistress I’ll allow.”

It was all background noise.

“Come on, you’re going on stage in 20,” Seokmin rounded them up. “Here are your mics, all handhelds this time, lucky bastards. You all practiced with handhelds right?”

Come on, you’re Kang Joowon. A little bit of adversity isn’t going to get you down, certainly not where there’s a flock that needs you.

Joowon jumped up. “Come on guys, line up so we can distribute the mics and then we can go wait in the wings.” He helped Seokmin distribute the mics, clipping the packs onto the pants and making sure none of the mics got mixed up.

“Hey, hyung?” Wonwoo held up a mic. “The number on this mic doesn’t match the pack, are you sure it’s the right one?”

“Huh?” He checked the mic and the pack. “Oh damn you’re right. How did those get mixed up?” He switched the mic with Youngbae’s.

There was a knock on the door and a staff member opened it. “Aeon, are you ready to go on?”

“They’re ready,” Seokmin said. He stopped Joowon with a hand on his shoulder. “Focus on the performance,” he said. “We’ll figure something out.”

Joowon nodded. And then he was through the door and the stage beckoned

Jinyoung had never been so nervous before, not even for their debut. Somehow this felt more real. He’d tried not to get attached to the song, it was going to be too good to be true, but it was so hard when there so much of them in it. Whenever he listened, whenever they practiced, it felt like them. It didn’t matter that the dance was almost childishly simple for Jinyoung. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t a song he would have chosen himself, it wasn’t the kind of sound he liked. The lyrics were his, the words he sang were his, and the performance was theirs.

At first Jinyoung was skeptical, but he’d done a good job for their MV recording too and when he looked in the mirror he felt like an idol again. Dressed up and in full makeup, albeit lighter than before. It was a double edged sword now, knowing how the song had performed on the charts. He felt like an idol again, but it might be the last time he ever would.

It hadn’t mattered at all, this little effort. Not one bit. They’d debuted even lower than they had for Standing Still, it was pathetic.

They were waiting in the wings now for their turn to go on stage. Inkigayo had cut their stage of course, they’d only be performing a shortened version because not even comeback stages were holy anymore apparently.

He should have seen this coming. He had seen it coming. A song like that? How had any of them thought that it would do better?

That’s what nagged at him so much. It felt so sub-par. The dance was childishly easy (he supposed Wonwoo never having choreographed before should have clued him that the output would be less than great. Really? A shimmy?), the song itself was rough and didn’t stand against big budget ones they were promoting with, and he kept feeling like people would see through his lyrics like glass. Nobody liked a whiner, nobody liked someone who just complained about how bad they had it. Why didn’t he insist more on sticking to a love song?

They were ushered on stage like usual, taking their place before expectant faces who weren’t here for them. There must be a few of their fans in there, there always were, but Jinyoung couldn’t pick them out in the crowd. Youngbae had to nudge Joowon to start the countdown, they introduced themselves as Aeon in sync, and they bowed. Then the song played.

That dance, that annoyingly easy dance, and Joowon still managed to be behind half a count. Still manager to go the wrong way at a crucial part. Still manager to make them all look like amateurs. He didn’t know what was wrong with Joowon but he’d been messing up over and over again this week. He’d done it dance perfectly during rehearsal, why was he being incompetent now?

“Hyung, you were off on the dance,” he said when they exited the stage area and were back in the hallways. He tried not to sound as accusatory as he felt.

“Was I?” Joowon asked. “, I was, wasn’t I? My bad.”

“Well, that was that again,” Chanhee said when they were back in the changing rooms. “One more promotional cycle behind us. Whatever it was worth.”

“It was worth a lot!” Youngbae said immediately. “We were out there again and that’s what matters, right Joowon?”

“Huh?” Joowon snapped out of his thoughts.

“The promotions mattered because we were on stage, right?”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely,” Joowon said. “We showed the world that we’re not quite done yet, that’s why we did this. With any luck the company will take us more seriously now.”

Jinyoung wouldn’t be putting any bets on that. He honestly didn’t know what any of them were thinking this song would achieve? With its pathetic amount of downloads and negligible promotional period there was no way this could be anything but another flop for them. It almost felt like a cruel dangling of a carrot, reminding them all of what they were missing. They were herded on stage an hour later to stand in the very back while others accepted the trophy and they weren’t even in the picture.

Then things went fast. Clothes were taken off and carefully put back into their plastic pouches, things were gathered, and Seokmin drove them back to the dorm.

It was odd to be back here. He’d been gone for weeks and suddenly he was supposed to just be back here, sleeping next to Seunghoon and Wonwoo, taking morning coffee with Chanhee and Joowon, trying to get in the shower before Youngbae. Those everyday things that were so familiar yet so strange now.

He supposed that was over now.

“You’re packing already?” Seunghoon asked when he’d noticed Jinyoung grabbing his suitcase.

“Might as well,” Jinyoung said.

“Chanhee’s going to make dinner though, won’t you stay for food at least?”

It was tempting, so very tempting. But it was just a delay of the inevitable. “No my mom will have food ready for me. She’d be disappointed if I’m not there.”

Thankfully he’d hardly unpacked so getting his things together was an easy affair. He put the few clothes strewn around into the suitcase and grabbed his toothbrush and that was about all he’d brought. It had only been for a few days after all.

The sweet smell of bibimbab was already filling the house when he rolled his suitcase out of his room. “You’re leaving already?” Youngbae asked. “Isn’t bibimbap your favorite?”

Chanhee poked his head out from the kitchen. “That’s a shame! I can make it again for thursday’s dinner?”

Jinyoung smiled. “That’d be nice! I’ll bring some of my mom’s kimchi.”

“I can give you a lift,” Seokmin offered. “I’ll be off too.”

“You’re not staying either, hyung?” Wonwoo asked disappointedly.

“Then who am I even cooking for?!” Chanhee called from the kitchen.

“I’m sorry guys I’ve got some work to do,” he exchanged a look with Joowon. “Calls to make.”

“It’s okay,” Chanhee said. “You’ve done your job, I get it.”

“Chanhee-”

Joowon put a hand on Seokmin’s shoulder. “Thanks hyung, I’ll see you later?”

Seokmin sighed. “Come by my office tomorrow morning. Jin, are you coming?”

“Right!” Jinyoung grabbed his suitcase and followed Seokmin out and into the usual van.

It was mostly quiet inside, Jinyoung didn’t really know what to talk about with the manager. He’d never really talked with him alone about anything other than business stuff and he wasn’t sure how to start about the thing that he really did want to talk about. He twisted the hem of his shirt with his hands to keep busy.

“Spill it,” Seokmin said, glancing sideways at Jinyoung for a moment before his eyes darted back to the road. “What do you want to say?”

Jinyoung looked at his hands, embarrassed that Seokmin noticed his indecision. “Are we really done now? Is this really the end?”

Seokmin sighed. “I don’t know. I’m still fighting for you, that’s for sure. I’m going to try and persuade the CEO to give you a Japanese debut, so if you have time to study the language now would be a good time. The Japanese market has done wonders for other struggling boy groups, it can do wonders for you I’m sure.”

Other struggling boy groups.

He supposed he was going to have to slot learning Japanese into his schedule. He’d never been very good with languages but if that’s what it took to be successful then that’s what he would do.

Seokmin pulled up in front of the apartment complex and he got out, bowed and thanked the manager for the lift, and walked up the stairs to the apartment. He always did, the physical exercise could only do him good. Helix had stopped paying for their gym access and jinyoung had to find his own ways to stay in shape now. Sometimes he ran up and down the stairs just to keep up his stamina.

He felt a feeling of dread as he opened the door to the familiar apartment. “I’m home,” he called out halfheartedly.

“Come get some food!” his mother called back from the kitchen. It was pretty late and obviously past dinner time but of course his mother had some leftovers anyway. She set the table for him with some fish and rice and kimchi and other sides and he dug in greedily. He hadn’t properly eaten for the last few weeks trying to make sure that he’d look as good as possible in front of the camera.

He was trying not to look at his dad sitting in the living room watching the news as he always did, an ominous presence, judging him he was sure of it. Always judging him.

"We missed you during Chuseok," she said.

"Sorry we had to shoot the music video."

“How were your song shows, Jin, honey?” his mother asked, seating herself opposite him. “Did you do well?”

Jinyoung glanced at his father. “Yeah. Yeah it was good! The manager says we’re going to debut in Japan soon so the hiatus will be over in no time.”

“I’ll be sure to enjoy every second you’re back home then,” his mother said with her kind and detached smile. “And to use you for as much housework as I can. I want to do a big thorough clean sometime soon and I can use your help then.”

“Sure thing, mom.”

“What’s that ridiculous muck on your face?” his father asked, voie as gruff and laced with disapproval as always.

Jinyoung touched his face. . He’d forgotten to take the makeup off! Everything, the foundation, the highlights, the eyeliner was still there. “It’s- it’s stage makeup.” He got up from the table. “I’ll go wash it off!”

As he rushed to the bathroom he swore he could hear his father say something along the lines of “and you think yourself a man”.

He leaned on the sink and stared at his mirror image. He rubbed at his right eye with one of his mother’s makeup remover clothes, smudging the black eyeliner all over his face. His eye felt raw by the time it was all off.

If he looked at himself now it was like half of him was still an idol, the other just a regular person. A nobody.

Then again, the idol him was just as much a nobody.

He scrubbed at his face, harsher than was probably necessary. When he was done his skin felt raw but the face that looked back at him was his. Ordinary Seo Jinyoung. Nobody Seo Jinyoung.

Not Seojin.

He rolled his suitcase to his room and crawled into bed. He’d turn in early tonight, tomorrow he’d be back in that practice room. He had to get better. He had to be the best he could be.

Seojin had to be the best he could.

That was that. Just like that Seunghoon got up on monday morning like he’d never stood on stage the night before. He got up at 6AM, showered, put on his uniform, grabbed some lunch, and was out the door.

Just. Like. That.

Strangest thing was he couldn’t say he really cared. He had had a lot of fun working on the lyrics with Jinyoung and Doha, learning the dance with Wonwoo, recording the MV with the twins, that had all been great. Fantastic. The constant high of creation, of taking their future in hand themselves. But as soon as the song had been released and they’d stood onstage and realized just how few people were actually rooting for them? Well, that was that, wasn’t it? How much use was it to keep holding on when there was nobody listened?

There was another part of him that was relieved, honestly. Relieved that there was nobody listening, nobody looking, nobody seeing. He pushed that relief back down. It felt wrong. Like a betrayal to the others.

He entered the back of the supermarket. The day manager was already there to open and he was happy to see it was Myunghwa. She was a bit of a worry wart but he liked her more than the other day manager who’d give the stockers trouble for chatting while working.

He wondered if the store owner had told them that Seunghoon had requested time off to practice and promote as an idol. He wondered if they knew. He ought to blend in well enough, should look ordinary enough, it wasn’t like he was someone like Chanhee or Jinyoung whose very appearance set them apart as unquestionably handsome and flower boy material. But still he wondered, sometimes, if his coworkers knew.

He hoped not. He liked just being Kim Seunghoon, simple stocker in Seoul just trying to pay rent. An anonymous face in the city crowd. Invisible. Unknown.

The day was a nice one, it was fairly busy but never more than they could handle. The coworker on shift with him, Kwang Inho, was telling him all about his weekend, how he went to some underground club to rap with a friend of his. Seunghoon had thought the guy was scary the first time they met, he was tall and angry looking and covered in tattoos, exactly the kind of big city delinquent his mom always warned him to watch out for, but the guy was honestly a softie. Couldn’t stop bragging about his siblings. It was funny to him how, even in the most unlikely of places, he still found people tied to music.

Stock work was easy enough and Seunghoon enjoyed how mindless it was. You just went around with a cart of refills and filled the gaps the shoppers left. He hardly ever had to talk to customers aside from showing them where something was, and otherwise he’d just lose himself in the mindless work, pop music playing on the radio, and chatter with Inho.

“You didn’t do anything interesting this week, hyung?” Inho asked as he put bottles of banana milk onto the empty shelf. “I haven’t seen you in a few days, usually the boss works you to the bone.”

“Like you, you mean?” Seunghoon wrestled with an armful of different brands of milk, trying to find the spot for each of them. Why were there so many different kinds? “Not really,” he lied. “How are things going with that girl you met?”

“Oh that didn’t work out,” Inho replied. “I don’t think I should be dating right now anyway, there aren’t enough hours in a day.”

“How’s your little brother doing? Is he still trying to drop out of school?”

Inho sighed. “Yup. He keeps reminding me that I dropped out at 16 too, like I’d want him to make my mistakes. I work so hard so he doesn’t have to!”

And so Seunghoon listened to Inho talk about his family some more while he stocked shelves, and when work pulled them to opposite sides of the store he listened to music and sang softly under his breath and before he knew it his shift was up and he was saying goodbye to Inho and Myunghwa and on his way back to the dorm.

Was it still the dorm? Or was it just the apartment now?

It was already dark when he got home and the house was empty. He figured Joowon was still at work, and Youngbae might be with that lady he kept seeing through he tried hard to hide it. It wasn’t too hard to figure that out, he’d be checking himself out in the mirror and changing clothes more times than Chanhee did. And he knew that Chanhee was at his parents’ for a few days, at their request. Chanhee had complained about it for the whole weekend.

He took off his shoes, tossed his keys into the basket, and entered the house. It was so weird for the apartment to just be completely empty. Living with three others, he didn’t think he’d ever just had absolutely nobody there but the telltale signs of desertion where there. All the house slippers were lined up, his was the only set of keys in the basket, and the whole place was pitch black.

He turned a light on and heated some leftovers from last night’s meal and watched some Running Man on the hand me down smartphone he’d gotten from Chanhee. These things were amazing, they were like a phone and a computer screen in one and it was pretty cool.

Another good thing about this whole hiatus thing was at least nobody could tell them what they could and could not do or have, like phones or SNS. Take that, Helix!

When he was done eating and watching the variety show he had a moment of now what? He wasn’t used to having so much time for himself, so much time alone. It was nice. Nice to just have nobody around, no expectations to fulfill. He could just be himself.

Whatever ‘himself’ even meant.

He glanced at his smartphone. Could he? Was he brave enough to find out?

He cleared the food, changed into his pajamas, turned off the lights, and got into bed (still the futon, it felt wrong to sleep in someone else’s bed even if they weren’t living there right now). It felt right, doing this in the dark. It fel… safe. Somehow.

He grabbed the smartphone and opened an incognito page. He hesitated a moment, thumbs hovering over the touchscreen keyboard and heart hammering in his chest. He took a breath and he typed.

‘Homouality’.

And he read. Starting with wikipedia articles linking one page to another. He read articles online. Posts by churches, posts by activists, blogs by foreigners in English that he struggled to understand. He froze when he heard the front door open and only went back to reading when he heard a bedroom door close.

There were others like him. Foreigners and Koreans alike. Of course he’d known that, he’d seen them, but had he really let himself know? There were others like him out there!

He still didn’t know why he was like this (and neither did wikipedia, for whatever that was worth), he still didn’t want to be like this, didn’t really know what it meant to be like this, but at least he wasn’t alone.

He wasn’t alone.

There was one thing the blogs agreed on and that was that the power to talk to others like him was in the palm of his hand. He hovered over the install button, in a breath and tapped it on release. Within seconds it was etched into his phone.

Jack’d.

He made a labyrinth of folders to hide the little extension in before he even dared tap orange and pink square staring back at him. He almost quit as soon as it asked him to make a profile. Come on, you can do it. It was the barest of things, the only thing it had was his age and the ‘Friends Only’ filter Seunghoon hadn’t known how quickly to enable, the username something that was as far from his real name as possible, just a series of numbers.

And there they were. People, just like him, categorized in little squares and filers. Twinks, bears, friends only, hookups, serious. Some terms he understood, some he had no idea. Most of the faces were either blurred out or photo-less like his, but they were people. Real people.

He clicked on a blurred out face at random, someone calling himself ‘Ddong Min’. His heart threatened to burst out of his chest. ‘Hey’, he wrote.

He turned off the screen and resisted the need to toss the smartphone to the other side of the room and never look at it ever again. What was he thinking?! Had he really just done that?!

He almost dropped it when it vibrated and hit his elbow hard on the bed frame. He bit his tongue to keep from crying out and stayed still for a minute, listening for any activity in the house. None. It stayed dark and quiet.

He turned the phone back on.

Hey. What’s up? Looking for a hookup?

A wave of cold sweat hit him, the chill pooling in the pit of his stomach. Nope. No. He couldn’t do this. Oh my god what was he doing why did he think he could do this?! ‘I’m sorry. Bye.’ he wrote back. He tossed the phone onto one of the beds and pulled the sheets up to his chin to hide.

He tossed and turned, too much adrenaline to get even close to sleep. He kept thinking about what he’d read. About the app. About the chat.

The phone vibrated again and Seunghoon shot up, almost dropping his phone again in his hurry to turn off notifications. There was a little red ‘1’ next to the Jack’d app. He couldn’t stop himself. He had to check. He had to know.

You can talk if you want. I don’t bite. Unless that’s what you’re into (;

Oh god what had he done?! He quickly closed the app again and threw the phone back onto the other bed, heart hammering in his throat.

Maybe… Maybe he wasn’t ready for this yet…

But after an hour of tossing turning something was nagging at him. A need. He gingerly picked up the phone again and went back to the search function, leaving ‘Ddong Min’ far behind. He was careful to search for ‘friends only’ this time, finding scores of men in the city who were only looking for friendship. He was more careful this time, looking at profiles of real people and trying to find someone who looked approachable.

Then when he found someone, heart hammering in his chest again, he typed. ‘Hey. I’m looking for a friend, someone who I can talk to about all of this. Do you want to talk?’

He didn’t toss the phone away this time, didn’t hide. He just waited. And when the phone beeped and a new message appeared on the screen, he just read.

Yeah, sure! Just not at 2AM okay, go sleep!! Let’s talk in the morning~

Seunghoon turned the screen off and laid back down. This time he fell asleep in minutes

what a coincidence that sungyeol and l were at exactly that year's fashion week? don't you just love it when the real worls collides so perfectly with the fiction? xd

cameo disclaimer: shiha is from the fic three six five (and another hyuna lookalike) and inho is from the fic do or die