Several weeks have passed and the hesitation they initially felt turned into attachment. True to her words, she remained omnipresent but was never a disturbance nor a burden. Even when she stayed in their home, they noticed how neatly the living room was kept every morning. She always woke up before them and prepared food whether they ate it there or just brought it to early schedules. She was always on time. She did not make a mess, which Yerin appreciated so much. She did not spend a long time in the washroom, which Eunha admired. She never made anyone wait, which was Sinb’s favorite trait. She always knew what was missing and she always said the most sensible words. She always knew when and how to help them.

They unveiled all these realities little-by-little every day as they practically lived with her. She was always friendly but kept a professional distance even when the girls hovered over her when they showed their gratitude and appreciation of the small and grand things she did. Even the cold-hearted Eunbi softened her tone as the days went by. The only thing that was progressing rather slowly was their skills in English. It did not bother Joon as much since the English training was a façade to the real ensemble she had to uphold.

“Yerin-ssi.”

“I’m not looking until you call me Yerin-ah.”

“Yerin-ah…” She forced herself to say.

“Yes, Joon-eonnie?” The eye-smiling girl responded.

Exchanges like these were common not only between the foreigner and Yerin, but between her and the other members who grew comfortable around her. After some time, they gave up asking her why she did this or that. They have particularly taken interest in the foreigner’s know-all attitude and how she was never sloppy with everything she did, but they did not bother to enquire as much anymore. For Joon, as long as she did not have to teleport her way to completing her job, everything could be done spotlessly. Speeding always came in handy but teleportation came with a hefty price, hence she rarely used it if there was no dire need for it. She has already spent 62 out of the 365 days she has with the girls and has never needed to use the life-draining ability. She resorts to what she calls as sensitive precautionary measures, ‘sensitive’ being used in its literal sense. Speeding is exhausting enough for her but a single episode of teleportation will drain her human energy tenfold that it could cause her her life if used recklessly.

Things have been relatively quiet for Joon and the girls she vowed to protect.  Amidst the hectic promotions, a few mishaps during outdoor performances were the only dangers she had to intervene in. She watched out for some wardrobe malfunction here and there which she expected because of their powerful dance routines. A few aggressive fans were also barred from coming too close. And a number of websites were shut down for their false and malicious contents. But that was it for the past two months. However, she was not quick to conclude that the girls would not be targets by groups that caused terror in the Kpop scene a few years ago. In spite the suspicion that arose from the deplorable occurrences, to save the industry from a possible economic conundrum, these terroristic acts were not made public by the companies whose artists and staff became the defenseless victims. Some murders were declared as accidents while some deaths were never explained. This was the main reason why the girl's company's president sought for services of Joon's agency for the past 3 years.

Aside from everyday minor glitches that caught her senses, a more obvious predicament between the two members started to trouble Joon. Yerin’s distress has become apparent to her members in spite her efforts to conceal it, with the exception of Sinb who seemed too preoccupied to notice. Even her on-cam aura is starting to manifest the torment she’s going through. Joon has graciously distanced herself from prying into their personal affairs as long as these affairs did not compromise their safety. But she cannot help but be concerned about the general welfare of the ginseng of the group whose energy is already almost depleted by heartache.

>>>

It is a quarter before nine and I sat on my chair-slash-bed waiting for an English TV show to start. I was alone with the ill Yerin after the rest of the members went for a guide recording. I made clam stew just in case she wakes up feeling hungry. Soon enough, as my TV program started, she dragged herself out of their room but she did not go to the kitchen like how she always does, and instead shared the seat with me and looked at the TV blankly. From the looks of it, she has no intentions of watching.

“Gwaenchana Yerin-ah?” I spoke in Korean, foreign-sounding as usual while feeling her forehead with the back of my hand.

“I think so. But not really.” She said effortlessly in English. “I don’t think this is a physical illness. No. I don’t just think. I know for sure.” She started scrambling for the right words.

I’ve been noticing how she behaved so differently the past few weeks. I may not be an expert about the things that bothered her, but I cannot help but sense, in the most literal meaning of the word, what has been going on between and among the girls I’d sacrifice my life to protect. I felt many times that she wanted to share her thoughts with me. There were several instances when she asked me obscure personal questions or left me with cryptic messages. A few times when she caught me alone, she started deep conversations but she struggled to express herself as she went on. Truth is, I do not need to hear it from her to know how troubled she was, but it's just my job that limits me from being there for her as a friend.

I’ve always known that she has given her heart to one of the members without the other reciprocating the affection. The more she poured her heart out, the farther Sinb pulled away. I honestly feel that it was not intentional for the younger girl to be uninterested about the affectionate gestures of her eonnie. But it seems to me that she just never took them to be sincere enough to be interpreted as love. Yerin is too physical with everyone that one may assume it’s just but her nature to shower Sinb with hugs and kisses as meaninglessly as she does with other people. Many times, Sinb thoughtlessly flirted back out of automaticity since Yerin is almost always that way to her. Her sweet nature shrouds the genuineness of her feelings for the group’s main dancer and she does not realize it.

“Do you want to talk to me about something that’s been bothering you?” I boldly asked her to brush off her hesitation.

“Yes. Long time ago. I have… want. But difficult? Very for me. Words are hard.” These were her exact words. She validated my assumption that it was merely the language difference that kept her from speaking her mind. I could not bear to look at her in this depressive state anymore. Broken heart syndrome is very real in the medical world, and she just might get it. I may be blowing things up in my mind but I feel compelled to do something this time.

“You don’t have to try any harder. You can speak to me in Korean.” I responded in their language dropping the fake foreign accent. I knew that what I’m about to do will put myself, my job and possibly my company in danger. But how can I totally be there for her if I can’t even help her unload her worries? I cannot simply close my eyes and ears to her pain.

I thought she would be speechless in surprise after my subtle revelation. Instead, she started punching my shoulder that was closer to her. But she was doing this with obvious delight. For a moment, I considered that maybe she was just being dramatic so she could squeeze the truth of my identity out of me.

“I had a feeling that you’ve always understood us. I’ve known from the start that you are not an ordinary eonnie but you cannot tell us what you really are. You have your reasons and I know those reasons are very important to keep. Right?” She confessed so freely with a sense of liberation in her tone.

I was the one who was surprised by the turnout of events. I can sense that she knows more than what she projects she does. I was not mistaken by believing she was a smart one. Nevertheless, I have to straighten some things out with her eventually, but for now, we both need to focus on the more pressing concerns.

“As long as you can keep this to yourself, you can talk to me until I can help you. Deal?”

“Deal!” She instantaneously replied while walking to the kitchen looking for food. Just when I thought my stew would go untouched.

The delight she felt about my revelation was short-lived. Her aura returned to a sickly state after she finished half of the stew I made. Nothing seemed to uplift her spirits. She went back to the sofa comfortably but now with a reassured air that she would be able to express herself to me without much restraint.

“Kamsahamnida for giving up your pretenses to help me.” She lifted and folded her legs onto the soft leather-covered chair and started talking. I felt the weight of the world with every sigh that inevitably escaped her as she enlightened me about her pains. Every story of her rejection was like a part of her shattered heart that she was showing me. Only Sowon knew the truth about her unrequited love, but she was the type who would not intervene. For Yerin, it was enough that her leader listened intently to her every lamentation without judging. But in my appraisal of her coming to me, I sensed that she wanted more than my ears.

She continued retelling the history of how one day she found herself falling for the most indifferent member of the group. She hated herself for feeling what she felt but eventually gave in to it. And that was when all the pain began.

I asked her why she suddenly feels burdened about the situation that has been in existence for quite a while already. I learned that she felt that the younger Eunbi has started to be friendly with someone else. I, for one, noticed how she was on the phone all the time during their breaks. She has become inseparable from that piece of technology. Judging from how she behaves when she was on the phone, Yerin has been suspecting that she might be starting to develop fondness over someone. And this possibility devastated her beyond explanation. Her breathing grew heavy and her eyes more weary with every word she uttered.

I could not affirm nor contradict her supposition since I vowed to not use my skills to meddle with client’s personal affairs. But going merely by my intuition, I regrettably believe that my duck-loving chingu could be right. I kept listening to her, but reserving my opinions to myself.

“I remember once there was a show where they asked us who we’d choose among the members to be our girlfriends if ever we were men. Sinb and I chose each other. And for a moment I thought that maybe she felt how much I cared for her.” She told me with half a smile tainted with disappointment.

“Then after the broadcast, while waiting for manager in the van, the six of us teased each other about the choices we’ve made. Sinb said she was thinking that maybe no one might pick me that’s why she said my name. She said that in reality, I was ‘too energetic’ for her style.” I could hear in her voice how heartbroken she felt hearing those words from the young Eunbi.

“Is there even such a thing as being too energetic for one’s style?!” She was sincerely disturbed as she asked me. “Isn’t that a good thing? Normal people would want to have someone like that.” 

She was shaking her head as she slumped her shoulders. It was evident in her posture that she still felt the defeat from that night’s rejection after all this time. I could see her chest heaving in her effort to control tears from escaping her eyes.

“But I meant what I said during the show! I meant it with all my heart!” She almost screamed as she hit her left chest with her right fist. Her cheeks started to moisten. I placed my arm around her shoulders to imply that she can let herself out to me and because I did not have a good answer to give her.

The high-spirited Yerin I knew was not in the same room today. I’ve seen her pick herself up after hearing disheartening news about her and the group that circulated through media. She felt the devastation each time but she never let it discourage her. Although they can never be immune to being hurt, they had to learn how to filter certain things as part of their training as idols. They were taught how to properly cope and react to dispiriting situations.  But they were never trained to cope with heartaches such as what Yerin is experiencing right now. I let her cry until she was tired enough to just stop and speak again.

“I almost believed SinRin was real.” She finally said while letting out a weighty sigh.

“How can you stop feeling something for someone? I want to learn how to.” She continued as I prevented myself from laughing thinking about her first statement. I’ve read so many articles about their rumored relationship being real when I was studying the group’s dynamics back in LA. I’ve seen how fans craved to see their romantic interaction to become true, but I didn’t know one of rumored girls was actually one with their fans.

“But you don’t have to.” I bit my lip before I was able to gather enough courage to not laugh out my response. 

“But it’s hurting me so much. Especially when I see her happy, but she is happy about someone else. I’m not jealous because I can’t be jealous. But it’s painful and it’s tiring feeling this way.” She was trying so hard to rationalize why she wanted to abandon her affection for the young girl.

“You cannot force something to stop. Especially if it’s as passionate as what you feel for her. You’ll just end up hurting yourself. Maybe even regretting.” I could not think of a better way to convince her that forgetting a love is not something that comes as a conscious choice.

“But I might go crazy if I stay this way!” She could be right about that. I’ve seen a lot of people do crazy things for love and they ended up in the loony end of the continuum. She might be hurting now but I think this beagle-of-a-duck is not as outrageous as others to end up in the same loony bin.

“Maybe, if you try to avert your attention off her, it just might help the feelings die down? Or it could make her realize your importance through your absence?” I wanted to hit my head for sounding very cliché as I said those words, but I didn’t have anything better to say. At least not at this time. Matters of love is not part of my forte. Speed and teleportation skills can certainly help with romantic endeavors but they are not pivotal in affairs of the heart.

“You think so?” The gullible duck’s eyes widened as she considered the idea. I cannot fathom how she could actually believe such a stereotypical advice.  But I nodded to imply certainty. I was not actually certain that a strategy like that would even work. But maybe if she diverted her energy, which was ridiculed as being too much, to something else, she might just experience a change of heart or if not, at least healing of her heart.

“Are you saying I look for someone else and make her jealous?” She said beaming with curiosity.

“NO!” I exclaimed, making the broken-hearted girl move back in surprise. “I mean, I didn’t say anything about making her jealous. I meant you can think about something else so you can try not being around her too much.” I never realized how hard it was to give a love advice until now.

Her bright expression turned into disappointment. “But how is that possible if I see her every day? Did you forget that I literally live with her?” She pointed out the obvious.

“You live with her, yes... but you don’t have to run around following her! Hugging her! Feeding her! Hovering at her! Kissing her! Holding her hand! It’s like you’re a candy store giving her sweet treats for free!” I pointed out the more pain-stricken obvious. “I mean, I know she deserves that kind of affection from you. Because to be totally honest, it’s meant to be expressed to her because it is for her. But sometimes people don’t realize what they have if they always effortlessly get to have it.” Another cliché came out of my mouth as I almost cringed.

“You know what they say about people cherishing what they have because they worked hard for them? Well, you’re not making her work hard for the candy!” I added hoping she’d absorb the analogy.

“But... I work hard to show her how I feel and she does not cherish me…” She rebutted.

“No, you’re working hard the wrong way.” Realizing that my analogy failed.

She pouted like a kid being reprimanded by the teacher. But the pouting was followed by nodding. “I’m not saying that you should change. But you have to know your worth Yerin-ah. You know what…” She was quick to raise her head and her eyes darted my way, anticipating a brilliant plan to emanate from our conversation.

“… since I’m always with you and I see almost everything.” And I mean that literally. “I can help you become more conscious of your actions. Let’s just try that for now. It’s better than just letting you be hurt like this and go crazier than how you already are.” I glared at her with a straight but derisive face before I shuffled her ever-well-managed fringe.

“I like that plan.” She emitted a hopeful smile while she fixed her hair. It’s not even clear to me what the plan is but what the heck. I’ll play cupid just this once.

“But about your job Joon-eonnie……” I realized that even a painful heartbreak will not save me from going through this conversation with her. Okay, let’s settle this for once and for all.