Wearing a pair of old jogger pants and an extremely oversized grey hoodie, Yerin dragged me out of the apartment after picking up the keys of the spare van they used off-schedule. She threw the keys at me as the elevator took us down to the ground floor.

Yerin and I just came home that day after a recording for her brief appearance in one of her idol friend’s reality show. The other girls on the other hand, except for Sowon who went to vocal training, were home with their parents since the previous night. Since Yerin already knew, she did not ask me why I was gone for a few hours assuming I was just checking on everyone. I was in fact speeding my way to all their houses the whole night and some hours in the morning while the recording was being completed.

“Let’s have coffee, my treat.” She smiled as she took an extra face mask out of the kangaroo pocket of her hoodie and handed it to me.

“You are a celebrity in your own right, eonnie.” She teased while she fixed the big spectacles that concealed her face. I have become accustomed to seeing her in her most comfortable attire and I could not understand why her company restrained her from being seen in public in this state. Putting make up on her did not really make a huge difference; she was a beauty with or without it. Babo, Sinb-yah.

“Sowon-eonnie will meet us at the coffee shop too before heading to visit her parents.” She told me in English while walking past some building tenants on our way toward the van.

“Yerin-ah, please stay at the back.” I told her as she was about to pull open the passenger seat door.

“Aish…” She grunted but complied.

>>>

“Eonnie, don’t you think I’m doing a good job?” She asked while charming her way to the empty seat with her famous eye smile.

“I can’t say you’re not.” I replied and I turned my eyes away from her, not wanting to make her feel overconfident.

Several days after my trip to the convenience store with Eunbi, I have noticed that Yerin has been her old beagle self when she was on shows, hugging and flirting with all the members like she always did. I wanted to think that she might have given up controlling what she felt, but it was notable that off-cam, she spent more time with her members except Sinb. She did not ignore nor repel her, she just was not looking for her as much anymore.

“Yah! You’re lying. I know you think I’m doing a great job.” Yerin refuted. I just smirked and shook my head.

“Eonnie, you’re the one who did not do your job well.”

“Didn’t I?” I was taken aback and I tried to recall if any of them got hurt because of my negligent work.

“Thank you for the marshmallow duck, eonnie.” Yerin lowered her head and smiled faintly. “After our recording the next day, Sowon-eonnie and I dropped by the store to buy bread.  And when we were paying, the cashier commented that our personal assistant, by that she meant you, remembered all our favorite snacks, that even SinB was surprised.”

She removed her mask completely and started to drink her coffee. After a sip, her cheerful self returned as her eyes smiled at me.

“I must admit eonnie, that you really have a good memory! And I must admit too that I almost gave in again because of that tasty duck! Haha!” She laughed at herself thinking it was just food that almost made her change her mind about the plan.

“Mianhaeyo, Yerin-ah. I just saw how happy you were that day. And I thought maybe Sinb…” I intentionally did not continue my statement knowing that she already knew what I meant.

“Joon-eonnie, you must know that I appreciated what you did. But… Sowon-eonnie was especially delighted by your thoughtfulness.” She grinned and winked at me, and I replied with a snarl to her coquettish teasing.

“Sinb will always be the Sinb I know. She’s sweet now, then not, then sweet again. Honestly, I think that’s one of the reasons why I did not want to give up what I felt for her all these years. But that night, Sowon-eonnine and I spoke again and I’m sure about it now. So, no more tricks like that, okay?” She had a sincere smile on her face.

“Wow! This coffee is really good!” She spoke so suddenly after a sip, causing droplets of coffee to splatter onto my face.

“Mianhaeyo! Mianhaeyo, eonnie!” She grabbed a tissue and started to pat the coffee off my face.

“But Yerin-ah…” I interrupted and took the tissue from her so I could wipe myself.

“Are you okay with what you’re doing?”

“I hoped you didn’t ask about that, but I’ll answer.” She paused and took another sip making sure it was gone in before talking. “I’m not particularly enjoying it, if that’s what you are asking. But getting used to it as the days went by kind of gave me a sense of renewal.” For a moment, I thought she was talking about some spiritual retreat or reflection.

“Sinb will always be special to me.  I guess it’s impossible for me to forget what I feel for her. I still get hurt. You can see how difficult it is for me to control myself from going near her. And our order of position during shows is not at all helping since we almost always have to be beside each other.” She forced a smile before going back to her coffee. “But I think it’s doing everyone good. When Sowon-eonnie spoke to me, I realized how badly I was affecting the group. You know what I mean?”

I, of all people, would know what she meant. With her company recognizing her natural jovial and playful character, she was tirelessly sent from show to show to carry her group’s name. She had the longest list of individual schedules, and those TV appearances gradually opened doors for more broadcast opportunities for the entire group. It was not out of the ordinary that her gradual change was impacting the fans' reception of the group in general. 

“Even though I feel that Sinb is still not realizing my worth, and that someone else’s worth is more important to her…” she said with jealousy evident in her tone, “… I feel comfort in knowing that I don’t burden the other members anymore.” She continued while looking away from me and focusing her gaze on the people walking along the pavement outside the coffee shop.

“I think I deserve a gift!” Her face suddenly glowed in excitement as she made small clapping gestures.

I choked on my coffee while listening to her rapidly changing tone. What a bipolar duck! I forced myself to cough.

“What??” Thinking that I might have misheard her.

“I said, I think I deserve a gift... For being a good girl!” Her eye smile beamed again through her round glasses.

“You’re not even halfway done with the plan and you’re asking for a gift?!” I wrinkled my forehead as took another sip from my almost empty cup.

“Nothing grand eonnie, maybe just a reminder that I’m showing progress.” She stretched her arms and started jarring my shoulders.

“If and when you did something worthy for a gift. And what do you suppose you deserve to receive?”

“Hmmm… I saw the other day, they were selling yellow flowers at the huge supermarket. I think I’d like those.” She was smiling ear-to-ear like she was certain to receive them. I knew she was pertaining to the yellow tulips at the florist bar.

“Aishhhh… I’ll think about it.” I replied keeping a straight face.

“Sowon-eonnie likes flowers too, you know.” She said with a devious expression.

“And speaking of the giraffe!” She hopped out of the wooden chair nearly flipping it over to welcome the tall girl.

“Yah! Jung Yerin!” She screamed only to cover after realizing we were in a public place.

The tall leader pulled the seat beside me and resumed bickering with Yerin. Before they could even strangle each other, I asked the newcomer what coffee she wanted to have. She replied with nervous silence.

“How gentlewomanly of you to ask her.” Yerin teased earning herself a resounding tap from the dorky lady beside me. In a snap, they were again engaged in a playful beating frenzy.

“Yah! Yah!” I tried pulling them apart holding the back of the giraffe’s collar and the duck’s hood.

“Warm milk for the both of you to calm you nerves!” I stood up and headed to the counter shaking my head.

>>>

Joon took the liberty of driving Sowon to her parents' house. Yerin did not want to be alone in the apartment so she tagged along, and partly also because she wanted to continue her playfully violent banter with her eonnie.

On their way back to the apartment, they dropped by the girls’ favorite grocery store to pick up a few house must-haves that already ran low. Aside from three bottles of that familiar dishwashing liquid, the cupboard under the sink was almost empty and the refrigerator only had kimchi, sliced pineapples, juice and chocolate bars they could not eat.

“I just hope that the person she likes would love her more than I do.” She finally uttered after being quiet for a while as she pushed their cart from one aisle to another. It was clear to Joon at the coffee shop that she wanted to turn away from all her emotions for the younger Eunbi, but it was clearer that she was in so much pain doing it.

“Yerin-ah, I don’t need hypersensitivity to know that you are not alright no matter how much you pretend that you are.”

“Well, sometimes it confuses me still.”

“I’m just afraid that if what you are thinking about Sinb is correct, that you will be hurt worse than what you already feel right now.”

“But I think the situation is beyond my control, eonnie.” She said with maturity in her tone.

“I know it was my idea but…”

“I’ll be alright eventually. Remember that I’m the red ginseng Yerin!” She wanted to uplift the mood of the conversation. “And besides, I have Sowon-eonnie and you to support me...” She flashed a smile again. “… Even if we’ll only have you for the next few months.” Yerin did not intend to reveal that knowledge to her companion who visibly fell silent hearing her remark, but it slipped out of her.

“I know, eonnie.”

“Because it’s every year, during your birthday.”

“It couldn’t be any more obvious. Haha!” Yerin was back to her usual jolly demeanor.

>>>

At the apartment building’s parking lot, Joon ran back to the van to retrieve her cellphone that she remembered was changing on their journey back. Yerin went ahead bringing a few bags since she did not want to embarrass the married couple next door who held the elevator open for her when they saw her walking toward the lift.

Yerin opened the door and instantaneously saw the shoes of Sinb, who she did not expect to be home so early. She quietly removed her sneakers and tiptoed toward the motionless maknae. She looked tired as she was flopped on the leather sofa lying on her stomach, deeply asleep and was unable to change to her home clothes. Her right arm dangled off the couch that served as bed, with her hand partly holding onto her phone that rested on the floor.

Yerin stood looking at her intently. She felt the sudden urge to hold her and take away the exhaustion that was evident in the sleeping girl’s face. If not only for the bags she carried, she would have not controlled herself again. She moved back to lean on the black TV stand that was behind her not removing her gaze from her.

Joon entered the apartment keen about the presence of two pairs of shoes that looked hastily laid on the tiled floor. Her gaze automatically focused on Yerin who stood silent, oddly still holding the grocery bags, inattentive of the rest of the world except of the human being she watched in front of her. She could see the girl’s expression turn from blank to desolate, seemingly preventing herself from crying as her lips curled downward, and her nose and cheeks turning red. She finally looked at Joon and quietly inhaled deeply as if to regain her composure.

Just when the pink tinge on her face was fading, Sinb’s phone lit up to someone’s call.  Joon nearly teleported to her side when she saw the caller’s name flash on the screen.

E S <3 +82xxx-xxx-xxxx Calling...

Yerin’s tears poured down uncontrollably. She almost dropped the paper bags but Joon was already there and quickly grabbed them before they touched the floor. She held her to a tight embrace and buried her face deeply onto her shoulder to muffle the sound of her sobbing.