BEHIND THE SCENES

Yeonin was never a big fan of the whole backstage hustle and bustle, the main backstage hallways were much too busy with people rushing about even after the show ended. Thankfully he'd been able to find a little nook in a far off hallway where he could just sit on one of the boxes and be alone with his thoughts for a bit. Quiet alone time, god knew he needed it. Surrounded by so many people day in day out was exhausting, he never felt like he could just be alone and think for a bit.

So. Now it was time for thinking.

Honestly he was never a big fan of this whole idol thing. He loved singing, but not the kind of singing they did here. He loved singing that mattered. This idol stuff? It didn't matter. Still, that was anything but a new observation. He'd been offered positions in project groups for idol groups before and turned them down. He'd just never thought it'd come to this. A survival show of all things. 

Sometimes he thought, what if he hadn't been so stubborn and declined those project groups? He wasn't really aware of the actual idol groups he'd missed out on, he didn't keep track of them, but for all he knew they were famous by now. Whatever groups NH Media, Woolim, or Big Hit migh have created, he could have been a part of it. Didn't idol groups always become popular? 

But then again, this was obviously not what he wanted. Just the stint on the show told him that. He wasn't really made for this. So then what was more important? Being able to share his voice and his songs with the world or keeping his integrity but now being able to share music apart from his 15 loyal soundcloud followers?

At least this show did serve to remind him that it was a good decision to leave those companies before they could turn him into an idol. He got no pleasure out of dancing on stage and singing pop songs. The few times he'd been able to push for an indie song had been great, but they had also been punished for it. Out of all the eliminations there was only one that hadn't been from Yeonin's team. 

Geomi? That was the first time they had gone with an indie song under Yeonin's supposed leadership. He'd never been a leader before, he'd had no idea what to do. He still had no idea what to do much of the time.

Kyungtaek had been his team as well, though thankfully Yeonin hadn't been the leader then.

When they had the position team battle the vocal team had at least managed not to lose a member, but the team he had become a part of, the dancer team, had. Yeonin couldn't help but wonder if Alex would have still been eliminated if Yeonin hadn't spent so much time working with the vocalists instead. He hadn't been able to leave them, they had been his responsibility. He had decided, once again, on an older song and the harmonies and then he'd been forced to leave them in disarray. Not helping them hadn't been an option. But had his negligence cost the dance team their popular vote?

Then Inshik. Yeonin felt awful about Inshik's sendoff. While Yeonin hadn't been particularly close with him, he never did well with young people, he'd seen the passion in Inshik. The kid had that fire and drive that Yeonin lacked, and the vocal chops to make it happen. By all means he should have been in the final group if it were up to Yeonin, but once again he had had to go. While not directly Yeonin's fault, if he had faught more to showcase their vocals or if he had given his lines to Inshik, maybe he would have shone more and not been eliminated. And had Yeonin not been here at all to provide a vocalist alternative would Inshik have been here in his stead?

Thankfully this time they had been immune, for the first time a team Yeonin was in had become immune. He had been very scared for Jaemin. While Yeonin didn't feel very close to anyone in the show (he never really made friends easily and all of them were much younger than him, he was far too awkward for any of that), Jaemin was perhaps the one he could appreciate most. Jaemin was also the one that frustrated Yeonin the most. If only he would let Yeonin correct his technique, then he would most certainly be the perfect candidate for the group. He knew how much Jaemin wanted to debut, and if it were up to Yeonin he deserved it, but only if he let himself be helped.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Haneul approached.

Right. Haneul. Eliminated now. Yeonin had never had a problem with Haneul, and he admired his drive to become a better vocalist. But also, to be fair, Yeonin had had no idea who Haneul was before the show and that he was famous. It was all the same to Yeonin. Still, he would much rather Haneul weren't here right now, Yeonin liked his quiet alone time, and there was precious little of that locked in a building with a great many others. Usually right after the recording was over there was a time when the others were busy with winding down or focusing on the elimination and Yeonin could just sit in an empty hallway and enjoy his own thoughts for a bit. It seemed not this time.

"I was just thinking about the show and..." he glanced at Haneul. "The eliminations."

"Oh don't walk on eggshells on my acount," Haneul quickly dismissed him. "I'm fine. Besides, I think I should be eliminated. The guys were right, it wasn't fair that I joined." He laughed softly. "Dumbest part is I hadn't even thought about it myself. That it was unfair, I mean. I guess I was so stuck in my own world I didn't think about what my inclusion in the show meant for the others. I'm such an ."

Yeonin didn't really know what to say to that. Agree? Disagree? What did Haneul expect from him? Maybe if he stayed quiet long enough Haneul would go away?

Then Haneul himself filled in the awkward silence. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't joined this show? I did King of Masked Singer. The public knows that I can sing, even if this show itself proved that it's not always easy to forget the face that goes with it- but I shouldn't be complaining about my looks. Even with a good voice, in this industry the face counts much more. Look at Geomi. The face has opened doors for me and I shouldn't take that for granted."

Maybe not saying anything would be better. Just let Haneul talk. Yeonin glanced at the door wondering if it would be rude for him to just leave. It probably would.

"So I'm glad it was me who got eliminated tonight, and not Jaemin, or even Hanjin. Maybe it's good that I'm gone you know? I should have left weeks ago, it would have given the others another week's chance to prove themselves to the viewers. They're so much more passionate about this than I am, and this is their only chance. Do or Die and all. I've got options, and I don't want to take someone else's last chance away from them." Haneul shrugged. "I suppose I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late."

Yeonin nodded unhappily. He'd really rather not but it would be polite to answer now that he actually had something to say. "It's something I've been thinking a lot about too lately."

Haneul looked surprised. "You? Really?"

Yeonin blinked. Was that such a surprising thing? He'd assumed it was obvious to anyone watching that he didn't really want to be here. "Yes. Really."

Another silence stretched until Haneul once again broke it. "I guess what I'm really trying to say is that, while I can't take back my participation in the show, I will support whoever does make it in whatever way I can."

Then Haneul got up and stretched his arms over his head, a yawn escaping him. Was this it? Was Haneul going to leave him alone now? "Ah- well I'd better get back to it, the others might worry and think I've gone without them. They keep staring at me with those apologetic looks like it's their fault I got eliminated," he laughed. "Thanks for this hyung, you're such a good listener."

Yeonin nodded and Haneul waited for a moment, seeming to expect Yeonin to say more, before he gave up and left. Yeonin was finally alone with his thoughts again-

"Yeonin?" One of the staff members rounded the corner. "There you are! You're needed for your interview."

Ah. Drat. Yeonin sighed and got up. That was all the quiet time he'd get this week.

Goodbye quiet nook of my heart, see you again in a week's time.

 

 

     

 

You could say that Hanjin was annoyed again. This week it wasn't James vs. Yoonshik but James vs. Halli, it wasn't any less annoying. If anything it was more considering Halli brought a lot less passive aggressive to the table, going straight for the aggressive. Nevermind that he also had to actually listen to someone who was much younger than him and had only been here a week. It was downright annoying.

Most of all it was annoying that he shouldn't even have to be in this group. He should be with Inho. Why hadn't Inho chosen him for the team? It didn't make sense. Hanjin shouldn't be in this situation right now he should be working on another dope song with his best friend.

Honestly he felt betrayed.

So when he saw Inho that morning in the hallway he knew exactly what to ask him.

"Hey dude," Inho said. 

"Hey Inho," Hanjin returned. Well, no sense beating around the bush. "Hey. Look. Can we talk for a minute?"

Inho frowned. "Yeah. Of course. What's up?"

Hanjin glanced around at the camera mounted on the walls. "Away from the cameras would be best."

"And where would that be?" Inho asked, a little bitterly. "They even have cameras in the dorm room. There's no escaping them. Why do you want to talk away from cameras so much?"

"Because I know how they work here with the editing," Hanjin said. And he knew that they'd want to edit any kind of disagreement between him and Inho as a big thing. That kind of drama sold. He didn't want to give them the opportunity to twist their friendship. He had things to say to Inho, but not to the extend MNET probably wanted.  "What about the bathroom? There's no cameras there."

Inho shrugged. "If it's so important to you, lead the way."

In the shower room and away fro prying eyes, Hanjin turned to Inho. "Why didn't you pick me for the team?"

Inho sighed and Hanjn felt annoyance bubble up. Inho didn't have the right to be condencending with him now, this was a perfectly legitimate question.

"You don't fit with the team I had in mind," Inho said slowly, after mulling over his words. "We made great music before, a lot of it, but that doesn't mean I have to pick you every time. I had other priorities this time. It that you ended up in such a team but that's not my fault."

"What do you mean I don't fit with the team you had in mind?" Hanjin demanded. "I've worked with all of them before and it was fine. I don't see why this time should be any different. You picked Yoonshik above me? Yoonshik."

"We needed a vocalist," Inho said simply.

"Changui then. What does he bring?"

"If I'd left him in your group he would have been eaten alive," Inho said simply. "And I knew Yeonin wouldn't pick him-"

"Wait. Hold up," Hanjin interrupted him. "You just told me it wasn't your fault I'm in this ed up team and now you're telling me you know exactly who Yeonin would pick? Quit the bull, Inho. Tell me straight. Why didn't you pick me?"

"Because I knew you'd make it about yourself," Inho answered unhappily, and that just pissed Hanjin off more. Not what he was saying, but the way he said it. Well, okay, what he was saying pissed him off too. "And for once it was about Jeongha."

"What the do you mean I'd make it about myself?!" He shouldn't have to pull the truth out of his best friend. 

"Calm down Hanjin-"

"No! Don't you ing dare tell me to calm down Inho! I have the right to be angry. What do you mean I'd make it about myself? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying you have the habit of taking control of a project," Inho said. "And Jeongha, my other friend, needed my help. I don't think this should be such a big deal."

"It is when you realize what kind of team you left me with," Hanjin pointed out. "James. Halli. Ted. You knew what a mess this team would be yet you didn't care about that at all. You just cared about your precious Jeongha."

"That's unfair Hanjin, and you know it." There was guilt on Inho's face though and it was plain as day for Hanjin to see. They'd been friends for years, as unexpressive as he was Hanjin knew how to read him by now.

"Is it? Because the way I see it what you pulled is unfair. You could have picked me for your team and told me to stand down. Did you even think of that? Basic communication Inho," Hanjin snapped, brushing a hand through his hair. "But apparently you don't respect me enough for that. Instead you have to go behind my back and leave me in the worst team imaginable."

"Then there's also the fact that you knew I was almost elimianted yesterday," Hanjin continued. "Didn't think of that, did you? If I almost got eliminated once, what's to say I won't actually get eliminated next time? But I don't suppose that's anything you've had any experience with." God knew why. A guy as stubborn and awkward as Inho? Why was he so popular? 

Inho had the sense to look down at his feet. Good. Let him be ashamed. "I'm sorry man-"

"Whatever," Hanjin turned around and opened the door. "Good luck with your team."

He was still fuming when he got back to their practice room. He could hear the raised voice from outside. This was going to be a long weel.

"Let's get this straight," He heard Halli say. "Yes I'm a newcomer. Yes I am younger than you. Yes I am the leader of this team. I didn't exactly choose you guys either so we're stuck with each other."

"That doesn't mean we I have to accept you as leader," James said.

"The judges made me the leader," Halli pointed out. "So yes, that is exactly what it means."

"How did you deal with this last week?" James asked Ted.

"Leave me out of this," Ted said. "I don't like him but I won't be pulled into your argument."

"I don't care about you either, Ted," Halli snapped. "And I'm getting sick of this antagonism on your end. I get it, you don't think it's fair that I'm here and I took the spot of your bully boyfriend. off, will you? What did you expect me to do exactly? Refuse an opportunity to realize my dreams? It that it? Because it doesn't seem fair to you? Take that up with the company, not me. I'm here for the exact same reason you are and if you can't see that then you're not worth my time."

Hanjin opened the door before Ted could respond and all eyes turned to him. "Guys," Hanjin said. "Can we just focus on a performance and get this over with?"

 

     
    Jeongha and Inho were in one of the production booths to work on their song. If Jonegha had to be honest he was very nervous about this. He'd written songs before for hismelf, but it had mostly consisted of a beat and his rap on top, sometimes with a vocal hook, but most of the time simple. This was different. There were so many other things to consider for an idol group song. The backing had to be more varied, the song more structured, serious parts for the vocalists had to be written- Jeongha wouldn't even know where to start. 

"So," Inho starts. "What do you want to do?"

Wait, was Inho leaving it all to him? Jeongha thought Inho would at least have an idea of what to do! "Me?"

"Of course you," Inho said. "I told you we were going to fix this. If we want to get your joy in performing back then we'll have to do something you're passionate about. I'm just hoping very hard righ now that it's not disgustingly cheesy love songs."

Jeongha laughed despite his trepidation. "I won't do that to you don't worry." But then what did he want to do? What was something that might help him get his love for performing back? That was such a big loaded question, like going up to someone and asking 'excuse me miss but what would bring meaning back to your life just tell me in simple terms please-'. Stop it Jo, that's not helping.

"Okay," Inho said. "That might not have been the best way to put it. How about instead think about something you feel like doing? What do you usually like to do? You mentioned last week how even if your song cheered only one person up, it would be worthwhile right? So what is something you want to tell at least one viewer?"

Jeongha took a breath. Okay that was easier. 

"Hey," Inho said. "Better idea. Maybe think about what you'd like to tell yourself."

 Oh. that was something else entirely. What did he want to tell himself? If he saw himself sitting there in that spiral of listlessness and lack of motivation what would he tell himself? His problem was, well, that he felt like half the time, and hardly felt anything at all the other half. Half the time he was stuck being afraid and full of doubts, and the other half he felt like he didn't care what happened one way or another. Neither of them was great. Most of all, well....

"I'd want to tell myself, you know, don't worry be happy. Stop being so worried about something and get your head out of this steaming pile of it's buried in." That's how he wanted to be anyway. Someone who could jsut be happy and not worry too much about things. That had proven harder than expected, but maybe that didn't mean he couldn't try to inspire that kind of thing in others. That would be a good thing, he thought. That would be worthwhile. 

Inho nodded slowly, Jeongha could all but see the gears in his head turning. Jeongha had never met anyone who considered things as carefully as Inho did. "Okay. That we can work with. Do you have anything in terms of beats that would fit that?"

Did he? He had some things that might fit. He grabbed the hard drive that had his junk on it. Thankfully the company had allowed them to keep that, even if Jeongha was still salty they'd taken his awesome headphones away. He felt without them wrapped around his neck. He browsed through the files seeing if there was anything he dabbled with that could work with this kind of concept. 

"What about that one?" Inho pointed at a file called the chillest of riffs. 

"Oh that's just this kinda cool guitar riff I was messing with," Jeongha said. He opened the file to remind himself what it sounded like. 

"That's nice though," Inho said. "Put a solid drum beat behind that and we have something to work with. Maybe we could mimic actual instruments."

"Hmmm," Jeongha tried to visualize it. "Some trumpets maybe, make it kinda jazzy while still upbeat enough to dance to and to cheer up whoever listens to it."

Some long but fun hours of work later and they had an instrumental and the basis of a hook. Jeongha had forgotten how great it felt to actually be involved in the creative process of a song. That feeling when everything just magically came together was one of the best feelings on this earth. That feeling of creating something from scratch, something that had previously simply not been there before. Something that would not exist if not for the combined minds of him and Inho. It felt ridiculously good.

Jeongha pressed play on the song again as he basked in how good it sounded. Those rifs combined with the trumpet and drumline created something that felt acoustic, even though it had essentially all been digitally rendered. Jeongha and Inho could both play guitar, but they didn't have the time or the equipment to actually record anything right now so digital beats would have to do. And they did do. They were ing brilliant. 

He and Inho completed each other creatively. Jeongha was chaotic. He had good ideas but sometimes sloppy execution as he got over excited about what he was creating. (hey it was ing awesome and good reason to get excited!) Inho's more grounded approach meant he could take the crazy ideas Jeongha was slapping around haphazzardly and turn them into a cohesive whole while taming Jeongha when he was trying to do too much all at once. 

"So for a hook I want to go with something super simple," Jeongha said. "Really rub it in that we don't want to think too hard and just enjoy the bull that is life. We could probably just go with the English Be Happy."

Writing the lyrics was easy, much easier than Jeongha thought it would be. Things just started to flow, and with some help from Inho words were flying off the page. Jeongha knew what he wanted to say, he knew what he'd want to tell himself. 

I can do anything, I can be whoever I want to be.

Don't think too hard. Everything will be fine. When you're exhausted, stop thinking. Sink into this music.

Everyone can be happy, here we go!

They were all things he wanted to tell himself, and they were all things he wanted to tell everyone around him. Inho, too. The guy was far too serious for his own good, he could stand to loosen up a bit himself. Be happy. Speaking of-

"This is the rap you wrote?" Jeongha asked, going over Inho's rap. It was.... it wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. Not for this kind of song. "Bro. Just. I mean. It doesn't fit. This rap is way too serious for a song like this."

Inho took the notepad back and looked over the lyrics. "Is it?"

"Yeah man. Look, a lot of the time your raps are really cool and thoughtful and . This song doesn't have to be thoughtful. This song is here to stop people from thinking too hard and reminding them to just enjoy life and you, my dude, are thinking too hard."

Inho looked almost confused at that as he rubbed out what he'd written before. He frowned hard at the page, writing some words and then erasing them again.

"Look. Dude," Jeongha started. He had to save Inho from himself, the head looked pathetic. "Just. Rap some nonsense for once. Just let it happen."

Inho laughed. "Changui said the same thing to me yesterday."

"So put that in there!" Jeongha said. "You've got some good things in there that you could put in briefly like the 'when I'm down you raise me up' thing and, and the 'forget about age' thing, and then just fluff it up a bit."

"Fluff.... it up....." Inho almost looked like he was in physical pain and Jeongha burst out laughing.

"You look ridiculous," he wheezed out.

"Hey this is hard on me!" Inho objected but he smiled. "Fine. I'll 'fluff it up', even if it hurts."

"Stop being so dramatic about it you tit, it's one song. You don't alwys have to be so serious. This counts for you too: just have fun for once."

"Alright alright! Got it. Fluff and fun." Inho feigned hurt before flashing him a smile. "I'll do my best."

Jeongha watched Inho as he bent over his lyrics now, sighing deeply and cringing as he penned lyrics such as eenie meenie minie moe and ring ding dong. Jeongha snorted, for someone so grounded he could sure be ridiculously dramatic about things sometimes. 

"How's this?" Inho asked, handing Jeongha the notebook with great reluctance.

Jeongha read it over. "It's stupid and perfect."

Like the whole song. Stupid. And perfect. He felt such pride for their creation. The song was one of the best he'd written simply because of how ridiculous and frivolous it was. Oh he couldn't wait to show it to the others! He grinned. Yoonshik would probably hate it.

Jeongha held out his fist. "Rapper bros?"

Inho looked at the fist and considered it. He sighed and returned the fist bump with a small smile. "Yeah, yeah. Rapper bros."          

"Seowoo it's this note," Yeonin played the note again on his piano. He played the chord again. "Remember, this is the sound we're aiming for, and you're this one."

"Sorry," Seowoo said. "I was distracted by that one."

Jaemin didn't have to look up to know he was pointing at him. He'd been ruining the harmony for the past two days now. He didnt know why Yeonin was so adamant on performing this song. He knew Jaemin would ruin it. Why would Yeonin try so hard to ruin his own performance? When he knew that Jaemin had come this close to being eliminated.

He was still reeling from that. The prospect of elimination had been terrifying. 

Honestly Jaemin was angry. He felt frustrated. He felt put on the spot. Why would Yeonin deliberately sabotage him? But then again Yeonin had been on his case since the start of the program, constantly telling Jaemin he wasn't good enough. That his technique was lacking even though Jaemin knew his technque was good enough. After all he'd been raining for 9 years. That meant something. If anyone had spent enough time training his voice it was Jaemin. 

Nine years of his life.

His technique was fine and he really did not appreciate Yeonin's continued insistenc that it wasn't.

"Let's try it again from the top now." Yeonin played the first opening notes and pointed at Seowoo, who started the performance.

Jaemin braced himself as the harmony part came in and he sang his own part. Immediately both Daebak and Seowoo wavered, only Yeonin managed to keep his top harmony going.

"Let's try that again," Yeonin said. "Remember Seowoo and Daebak, these are each of your notes."

Jaemin drew his legs closer to his body, fidgeting with the ends of his training pants, trying to distract himself from his obvious failure. Why didn't they just account for the fact that he was in the team too and create a performance that benefited all of them? He just didn't understand it. Yeonin knew Jaemin's limitations. Why would he choose him if this was the performance he'd had in mind? Why would he put on this performance if he wanted to have Jaemin in his group? It simply didn't make sense. 

Of course he messed up again. Of course another run through didn't magically help. Jaemin took a breath. Calm down it was going to be okay. They'd see reason soon enough and simply let him stay out of the harmonies.

"Alright, from the top," Yeonin said, patient as ever.

"Why do we bother?" Seowoo asked, obviously annoyed. Jaemin flinched at his sharp tone. "We've been running through the same part all day, as long as hyung participates nothing is going to come out of it. We have to face the fact that we're better off either keeping him out of the harmonies or doing away with the harmonies altogether. This is pointless."

"We just have to keep trying," Yeonin said. "Nothing is pointless. If we keep trying we can make it." Yeonin looked at Jaemin. "Or otherwise we could maybe try and have a look at your technique-"

"No," Jaemin shook his head. "My technique is fine. If we could just do what Seowoo said and keep me out of the harmonies. I could just sing a detached line here and there and be done with it."

"But then you would just stand there doing nothing?" Daebak said in his thick accept. "Why would you do that? Maybe we should dance anyway?"

"We're not changing the performance," Yeonin maintained. "We're just going to keep trying until we get it right."

Daebak made a face. "What if the judges will be angry with us?"

Yeonin looked uncertain but he cleared his throat. "They won't be. With enough practice we will put together a fantastic performance." He glanced at the clock. "It's lunchtime. Why don't we take the break, refuel our bodies and empty our minds, and get back to it after?

The team dispersed and Jaemin didn't know how quickly to get out of the room. Maybe the food would help? It might improve his mood at least.

They settled in their more usual groups in the canteen. Some stayed in their teams and others wondered to tables more familiar, Jaemin had been the first to arrive and most of the team joined him at the table. Sans Daebak of course, but that was to be expected.

Jaemin would much rather they didn't right now. There were so many thoughts pressing in his head he would much rather just eat by himself and give himself time to break down the thoughts and prevent himself from bursting out crying again. 

He felt like there was so much pressure on him. No. He didn't feel like that, there was a lot of pressure on him! his entire group was basically failing because of him. He was the only one dragging them down. The only one who would be responsible when their performanced tanked.

No. Not the only one. Yeonin was also responsible. The one who was refusing to change the performance. Jaemin was half convinced the guy was doing it out of spite, because Jaemin wouldn't go along with his cray idea that Jaemin needed more training. As if his nine years weren't enough. 

Jaemin finished his chicken in silence, content to let the others talk while he stuck with his thoughts. Normally he'd join in, but now was not exactly normally.

"Anyone want some apple slices?" Hugo asked.

"Yes please," Jaemin said. More food might help. More food was always good. It would at least keep his mind off things. Maybe fight those stupid tears that were always waiting to come out nowadays. 

"Catch." Jaemin only barely managed to catch the packet Hugo had tossed at him. "They didn't have any more apple, carrot's good too yeah?"

Jaemin stared at the packet of carrots in his hands and something just broke. It all just came crashing down on him. These weren't apples. They were carrot. He didn't want carrots. Of course he couldn't have apples.

"Hey. "Hey, hey. Are you crying over a packet right now?"

He  reached out and touches his face, sure enough he was crying. It was like that realization opened the flood gates and he started sobbing. He jumped up, pushing the bench back noisily, and ran out of the canteen. He just really had to