BEHIND THE SCENES

"It- it's not fair," Alex sobbed while Ted was still rubbing his back, trying to offer any comfort he could. He was inclined to agree. It wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair. "I- I j-just n-needed a b-break."

"I know, little one," Ted said, trying to keep his voice as soft as he could. "I know."  He knew how to comfort someone, he was the oldest of two and he'd always taken his big brother duties seriously, but it was hard to keep being steady for Alex will he was so very angry himself.

"Alex? It's your turn for the interview," a staffmember came to take Alex away. The boy dried his tears and blew his nose into one of the tissues Yeonin had fetched for both him and Jaemin and followed the staffmember into the designated interview booth.

"Don't go to the dorms without me okay?" Ted said. "Just wait for me I'll try to get done as fast as I can."

Ted had always been good at controlling his anger. He was always the responsible one. The one who made sure that his own emotions didn't make things more complicated. Every situation was better dealt with when one had a clear head, he lived by that philosophy. But right now he realy did not feel like being the responsible one.

He wanted to shout too! He wanted to get angry! He wanted to find each and every one of the audience members who hadn't voted for Alex and he wanted to shake them. Ask them why. Tell them to go back and make it right. He wanted to do all sorts of things that he knew he couldn't.

Mostly he just didn't want this to be happening.

He felt like someone was in the process of pulling out his right arm. Alex had always been around, a cheerful presence to make the competition feel less like a stressful ordeal, a break to the constant pressure, and now he was leaving and that was supposed to just be okay?

He knew he wasn't very good at showing emotion, but he cared about Alex. And he couldn't just sit here and accept this blatant unfairness. He couldn't! 

Yet he had to. He had to if he wanted to make his dream come true. Had to play along and just do what the company and the show wanted him to do. Had to appeal to the voters. Had to dance the dance while Fringe pulled the strings. He'd been okay with all of that, he knew what he was getting into. Ted wasn't some blind and idealistic youth dreaming of making it big. No, Ted was a pragmatic and honestly desperate rapper, and certainly not young in terms of the idol world. Ted just wanted to make music.

But when this show was pulling like this left and write is was damned hard to keep his cool. Hard to keep thinking about his goal while his friends were being thrown under the bus.

The company knew what it had been doing, editing Alex like they had. They knew exactly the reaction they would get from the audience! Ted had wanted to believe that they wouldn't, selfishly he'd thought that maybe they'd want to keep Alex because he was pretty and skilled, but they had thrown him under the bus just like that.

Didn't they need a dancer in the group? Did they really think that Daebak was going to cut it? Or James? Daebak's complicated cultural background and knack for offending people was obviously not a good fit for a final group, and James was a snake. He'd thought that Alex would be the endgame dancer for the group, it'd seemed so logical. Pretty, young, prone to bad decisions but with Ted's guidance he would've been okay.

Not that that had saved him from his fatal bad decision last week.

Ted couldn't even be entirely angry at the company, after all Alex had left the premises to go drink bubbletea with his friends There was no lie in what they'd shown. But they still didn't have to show it. 

And James! That two-faced didn't give a about Alex! He had no right to mention him in his interview, implicated him even more! Ted was as pissed at James as he was at the comapny. They were both to blame for what had happened.

It took way too long for Ted to be done with his own interview section, they were only commenting on what had happened that day anyway. Interviews were taped sporadically during the week so that thoughts would still be fresh, all he was really commenting on was the elimination and Ted had nothing to say there. They'd poked and prodded, trying to get him to talk abou the moment he pushed Yeonhee aside to embrace Ted, but he wouldn't give them that satisfaction. That moment was between him and Alex and nobody else.

When they'd finally given up on geetting anything out of Ted, he hurried out of the booth, quickly changed back to his training clothes and left the performance outfit for the staff to take care of, and went to find Alex but the kid was gone.

"Where did Alex go?" Ted asked. His voice remained steady but he was really worried. He knew Alex was really, really hurt and he didn't want the kid have to be alone right now. God this was Geomi all over again.

"He already went back to the dorm," Haneul said. "A staffmember came and got him."

"Why didn't you stop him?!" Ted demanded, more aggressive then usual. He knew he was lashing out but he couldn't stop, especially not to Haneul. The fact that the guy was competing already pissed him off, it was so unfair! "I'd told him to wait!"

Haneul threw up his hands. "I didn't know that! I thought he might want to be alone for a bit."

"You thought wrong," Ted said and started walking towards the exist. 

"You'll have to wait for the rest of your team before the bus goes," Haneul said. "And I know for a fact that Hanjin is still conducting his interview."

"I'll walk," Ted said. "It's only a 15 minutes drive anyway." He knew that if he had to wait for Hanjin and Inho to be done he'd still be here in 2 hours. Those two only cared about themselves and were much too good at delaying. 

Walking... ended up not being the greatest idea. It took 40 minutes while half jogging and half walking to finally get to the dorm, and it started pouring halfway through Ted's journey. By the time he pushed open the front door of the building with its big Do or Die posters -a different face of a contestant slapped on each of them- he was dripping wet and possibly even angrier than he'd been before.

None of this was ing fair. And he didn't want to think about Alex, alone, packing his things. It's all he'd been thinking about during his walk.

When he got to the dancer's dormroom it was as he suspected. Alex was going around the room gathering his possessions while still sobbing, streams of snot and tears going down his face. Sometimes he'd pick something up, cry some more, and put it back. 

"Hyung," Alex said when he notced Ted standing in the doorway. "Is it raining?"

Ted glanced at the floor where he was still dripping rain water. "Eh. Yeah," he said. "It's raining."

Alex rubbed his tears and snot on his sleeve. "I wanted to wait but they really wanted me to pack up my things." 

"It's okay," Ted said and pulled Alex into another bear hug. His specialty. His friends always used to say he gave the best Teddy bear hugs. 

"Hyung, hyung, you're dripping wet!" Alex protested and laughed weakly. "I've been crying for at least 3 hours now but somehow you still end up wetter than I am."

Ted laughed despite himself and ruffled Alex' hair. "Can't have you out-do me now can I? How are you holding up, kiddo?"

Alex snorted. He gestured at, well, all of him. "I'm not." He sat down on the bed, wiped more tears off his face, and sighed. "I don't know. I feel kind of empty honestly. I felt so aimless after SM terminated my contract. But it's not like I have nothing to return to. I still have the Rebels, my dance crew."

Ted set down next to him. "You're a fantastic dancer, Alex. One of the best I've seen, and I've seen quite a few dancers both here and in New York. You'll be okay."

Alex nodded. "I will. But it still ."

"Yes. It still ." Ted sighed.

"Thanks hyung," Alex said after a long pause. Ted noticed that he'd finally stopped crying. That was a good thing at least.

"Come on, let's get your things together, the others will be here soon."

       
 
  "Hey Changui," Hugo said, dropping down next to him. Changui had just been taking a break while Yeonin was going over the lines with those who had actual vocal parts and the rappers wrote their raps. Hugo and Changui and Hyuk were the only ones without any actual lines, just harmony parts.

"Hey Hugo," Changui returned brightly. "Oh wait, hyung, sorry. I forget sometimes."

"S'all good," Hugo said. "I'm not too strict on that sort of thing. You doing good?"

Changui blinked. "Eh. Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

Hugo shrugged. "Because the others have started freezing you out after you messed up their performance twice in a row?"

"Oh? Nah," Changui dismissed it. "They're not freezing me out, we're fine. I mean the raps didn't go great but I'm back to singing now anyway."

Hugo glanced his way, and for once the eyes weren't grinning, instead they felt like they were looking right through him. Changui loved debating philosophy with Hugo, but when the masked guy got like this it really made him uncomfortable. "Is it?"

"Yeah," Changui said. "Why wouldn't it be? I mean it that the performances were bad but it's not the end of the world. I tried and that's what matters right? One failure isn't going to be the end of things. Or two for that matter."

"To some a single failure matters a great deal," Hugo said, his voice kept light as if he didn't have a care in the world. Changui admired the way Hugo always sounded so flippant when he spoke, no matter what it was about. There was a clear dissonance between what was said and the means of delivery but that was exactly what made it so interesting. Hugo was enigma, sometimes Changui felt like he was on the exact same page as him, and other time on a different book. In a different language. Halfway across the world. Hugo was unreadable.

Changui shrugged. "I know, but why would you attach such great importance to the bad in life? Why fixate on the things that went wrong when instead you could shrug and aim to do better next time? Ultimately that's what's going to do you much more good. Don't focus on the past but keep your eyes forward. Carpe diem and all that."

"Learning from the past would require a certain amount of introspection," Hugo pointed out. "Wouldn't you say that being chained to the future does as much damange as being chained to the past? And wouldn't you say some things are worth stressing over?"

"No I wouldn't," Changui said. "I think the world would be a much better place if people just took a break from being stressed all the time and just stopepd and smelled the flowers every once in a while. Appreciate the little things."

"Do you really think that a survival show is the right place for that?"

Changui shrugged. "The point is to take life as it comes at any time and not worry too much about results or inevitabilities. If I start picking and choosing when to take on that attitude does that not defeat the point?"

Hugo's eyes narrowed into their usual smile. "If you say so," he said brightly. Silence stretched out for a while, and it wasn't a comfortable one. Well not for Changui anyway. The silence felt tense. Accusing. It felt to Changui that the silence said more than any of the words Hugo had previously said. Was he judging Changui? Did he disapprove of Changui's philosophy? He shouldn't care, not caring was kind of the point of his whole philosophy, but he did. 

It's not like Changui didn't know his own faults. He knew himself very well. Maybe he was too flippant for his own good, but he truly did think that someone with a more easygoing attitude was necessary in a show like this. Remind people that failing isn't the end of the world and whenever a door closes a window opens. Take things easy. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. That sort of thing. 

After all he'd seen what the stress was doing to some of everyone. Seen Geomi break down because of negative comments. Seen Alex unable to cope with the pressure which ultimately lead to his elimination. Come to think of it, both of those things involved a cell phone they weren't supposed to have. Changui wondered how that thing had come into circulation. 

He did suppose that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to be the advocate of taking a step back when his own free spiritedness had cost them before. He didn't regret chasing rapping, not at all. Rapping had always been his least explored musical pursuit and he wanted to better himself. He'd hoped for more constructive criticism from Cipher instead of actually being mocked, but he didn't mind that much either. He still believed that the performance had needed that bit of spice, and besides, if he hadn't rapper than Cipher would have had nothing to do. That's one good thing that came out of it. But he knew the other were about ready to lynch him if he brought rapping up again so he was content with the few lines he had in this song. He knew that they blamed him and to mend fences he would not complain of the lack of lines or spotlight. And if he had to let go of rapping for now then oh well. 

Besides, if he got eliminated, then ah well. He tried and this had been interesting. That's all he expected from it anyway. 

Beside him hugo snorted, bringing Changui back from his thoughts. "What's up?"

Hugo nodded at the far side of the room. "He exchanged three words with Yeonhee."  Changui glanced in the firection and saw Yeonin trying very hard to hide the fact that he was beet red. 

"Oh yeah I noticed Yeonin is really bad when it comes to talking to women," Changui said with a laugh. It was endearing, really. "She came in to check on us last week and he couldn't even utter a sentence. Yoonshik had to explain what we were doing."

The silence fell again and Changui fell back into his own thoughts. He liked Hugo simply because they understood each other. He could have amazing conversations about anything under the sun with Hugo, but he could also just sit next to him comfortably and not say much of anything. 

Well. Mostly comfortably. Changui didn't miss the glance that Hugo cast on him every so often, that look of seeing right through him. But what was there to see? It wasn't like Changui wasn't aware of all his own faults and strengths. His self-awareness was what he counted as his greatest strength after all. There was nothing Hugo would see that Changui didn't already know about himself. 

Really, there was nothing new for Hugo to see.

Definitely not.

And certainly not that nagging feeling in his gut. That was just nerves. Even Changui got nervous sometimes, not often, but sometimes. And that was okay. He was allowed to get nervous. 

Hearing everyone talking about what they would do when they got eliminated got Changui thinking about what he'd do himself. Maybe backpack through Asia? He'd already travelled through Europe and that had been amazing. So many sights to see, different people to talk to. Cultures to explore. And while Europe was full of widely diverse countries and cultures, they all had certain things in common. From the Netherlands to the southernmost parts of Greece, things were different but never so much that there wasn't also something Changui could relate to.

Asia though. That was uncharted territory.

He'd seen Korea of course, almost by accident. He'd come to visit his Korean grandparents and see what the country was all about. He'd had no plans for his future yet and it seemed like a good idea. See another part of the world. He could extend that over the continuent. See cultures so extremely different from what he was used to back home. Oh it would be amazing.

Or maybe South America?

"Hugo, you've lived in South America right?" Changui asked, feeling the tug for socialization. While Changui could appreciate the silences and the introspection, conversations and the exchange of ideas and information always topped that. New things over considering the old. 

"Argentina," Hugo said. "Born, mostly. Raised, only a bit."

"I'm thinking of going to South America," Changui explained. "Backpacking. Maybe after I explore Asia."

Hugo raised his eyebrows. "Bold plans for someone still competing for a career as an idol. Not much freedom for backpacking when you're a puppet to the company."

Changui shrugged. "I'm not gonna make it. I don't think the audience likes me very much and that's fine. I'm doing this just to experience it, after all."

"I wonder," Hugo said slowly, letting the pause stretch after those two words as he stared straight ahead. Changui squirmed a bit. Not a good silence. "You or Haneul?"

"You're missing a bit of that question there," Changui joked with a playful nudge.

Hugo turned his eyes back on Changui and Changui very much wished he hadn't. "Am I?"

Changui shook his head. Hugo did this sometimes, and while he was usually the best at keeping up with Hugo's more cryptic comments, sometimes one did go over his head. "I'm wondering if South America is too dangerous to backpack through. I don't know any of the languages and while I've travelled through many a seedier part of Europe, caution is generally advised for South America." Changui knew many a language, but not Spanish, Portuguese, or Nahuatl. And while he could use his Dutch wile backpacking through Suriname, that was only a tiny part of one big fascinating continent.

Hugo seemed to consider it. "Depends on the places you go. Anywhere can be dangerous if you venture the wrong way."

"Don't I know that," Changui said. He'd learned on his backpacking trips to trust his intuition. When someone rubs the wrong way you trust that instinct. And it's helped him in non-backpacking situtions too. He glanced at James. 

"A piece of work," Hugo commented. Man nothing went over this guy's head. It was kind of impressive, really.

"Okay, everyone who's involved in the first table bit, gather," James said, clapping his hands to get attention. He dramatically gestured at the plastic little table they'd set up in the middle of the practice room. "Time to go over the choreography."

Changui got up. "That's me!" He said cheerfully. He had to admit he was a little glad to be away from Hugo's watchful eye for just a bit. Not that he had anything to hide, but those eyes could still be unsettling in and of themselves.

"Let me choreograph it," Yoonshik argued. "I'm actually in the damned section." Oh boy, there they went again.  It didn't even phase Changui anymore, those two had been at each other's throat for basically the whole week. 

Hugo looked at him for a moment and Changui paused, not sure if he should look away or not. "If one keeps running away," Hugo said. "At one point one runs out of places to hide."

Changui frowned. What was Hugo going on about now. In the end he decided to just not answer and got to his designated seat around the table. 

Something kept bothering him but he wasn't sure what.

Ah well, a problem for another day.            

 

This was it. A trio performance, and with two rappers too! There was no way Haneul's  contribution would go unnoticed now.  

Ted and Bomseok were great rappers too, their performance was going to be lit. Ah it'd be be a shame to lose one of them though. Haneul hoped his popularity would be enough to see them safe.

"Okay team," Haneul said with a clap of his hands just as they all entered their designated practice room. He was so excited to start working on this. Whatever they were going to create it was going to be amazing he was sure of it. "Let's get some brainstorming going!"

Ted whirled around and he looked angry, which made Haneul actually step back. When even? Ted never looked angry. Ted never really looked much of anything. "First of all," Ted said. "This," he gestured at Haneul. "Isn't happening."

"W-what?" Haneul stammered. 

"This whole team thing," Ted continued. "You're not the leader. This isn't the Haneul show."

"I wasn't- I didn't-" Haneul was so confused right now. He hadn't implied that had he? He'd just wanted to get things started.What was going on right now?!

Haneul looked at Bomseok for help, who stepped in. Bomseok put a hand on Ted's shoulder. "Hyung, let's not do this right now."

Ted looked unhappy but he nodded. 

"Alright, so what do you two want to do?" Haneul said cautiously, hoping he wouldn't be hitting some invisible landmine agani.

"With two rappers it would make sense to do a rap song," Ted said. "Maybe we can make our own like last challenge?"

"Hold up," Bomseok interrupted. "Not again