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name : kwon88im
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Title: The Commitment
Author: kwon88im
7/10 ─ Story Title: Very straighforward. The title is basically the entire story in two words. I'd prefer something more descriptive or foreshadowing as the title, because I feel like the title is a theme more so than anything. But it does the job, it's bold, it's quick and understandable.
7/10 ─ Description/Forward: Your description and forward didn't have much, but your trailer in the first chapter was really good. I enjoyed it very much and think you did a really good job putting that together. Lokoed very legit and again, the entire plotline was seen through the trailer. I sort of wished there was room for imagination, but it was interesting right off the bat.
4/10 ─ Writing Style: Much of the story is dialogue, which is fine if this story was a movie script or a theater script, which it often felt like for me reading this. It felt like I was watching a movie instead of reading a story. The difference between a movie and a story is that we cannot physically "see" what is going on in the story. So you as the author must put your own style and writing and descriptions in the story to make things come alive. So instead of more dialogue, it would have been nice to "see" what was happening. Instead of Yuri feeling sorry for what she's done, you could describe her physical state. For example, how does Yuri look like when she's apologizing? Has her hair become more worn out? Has she lost weight from the stress of losing Yoona? "Show" us what's happening, instead of "telling" what's happening. Description is key. You had so many good themes and morals and ideas that you incorporated into the story, but instead of "telling" the reader what the themes are, it would be nice to show us. For example, Yuri is traumatized by her past and her parents' impact on her life. Instead of telling the reader this, maybe show us a scene, show us one of Yuri's dreams and let us see for ourselves the cruel reality she lived through. This way the reader can really relate to Yuri and all the other characters.
10/15 ─ Grammar/Word Choice: The spelling errors itself was very minimal, but the grammar in the story was very all over the place. The tense often changed from past tense to present tense. Often times the tense of a word would differ from the tense of the sentence. I don't think English is your first language, so I can understand how this can be a challenge and be difficult to write in one fluid tense. Despite the grammar errors, you had some very good words in every single chapter and did a very good job with chapter length and word choices for descriptions when you used them.
10/15 ─ Character Development: Again, yes, both Yuri and Yoona developed as characters, but because there was not much description on the two, it was d
Request: Story review
message: 64/100! Please continue to stay committed and flex those good description muslces!
Title: The Commitment
Author: kwon88im
7/10 ─ Story Title: Very straighforward. The title is basically the entire story in two words. I'd prefer something more descriptive or foreshadowing as the title, because I feel like the title is a theme more so than anything. But it does the job, it's bold, it's quick and understandable.
7/10 ─ Description/Forward: Your description and forward didn't have much, but your trailer in the first chapter was really good. I enjoyed it very much and think you did a really good job putting that together. Lokoed very legit and again, the entire plotline was seen through the trailer. I sort of wished there was room for imagination, but it was interesting right off the bat.
4/10 ─ Writing Style: Much of the story is dialogue, which is fine if this story was a movie script or a theater script, which it often felt like for me reading this. It felt like I was watching a movie instead of reading a story. The difference between a movie and a story is that we cannot physically "see" what is going on in the story. So you as the author must put your own style and writing and descriptions in the story to make things come alive. So instead of more dialogue, it would have been nice to "see" what was happening. Instead of Yuri feeling sorry for what she's done, you could describe her physical state. For example, how does Yuri look like when she's apologizing? Has her hair become more worn out? Has she lost weight from the stress of losing Yoona? "Show" us what's happening, instead of "telling" what's happening. Description is key. You had so many good themes and morals and ideas that you incorporated into the story, but instead of "telling" the reader what the themes are, it would be nice to show us. For example, Yuri is traumatized by her past and her parents' impact on her life. Instead of telling the reader this, maybe show us a scene, show us one of Yuri's dreams and let us see for ourselves the cruel reality she lived through. This way the reader can really relate to Yuri and all the other characters.
10/15 ─ Grammar/Word Choice: The spelling errors itself was very minimal, but the grammar in the story was very all over the place. The tense often changed from past tense to present tense. Often times the tense of a word would differ from the tense of the sentence. I don't think English is your first language, so I can understand how this can be a challenge and be difficult to write in one fluid tense. Despite the grammar errors, you had some very good words in every single chapter and did a very good job with chapter length and word choices for descriptions when you used them.
10/15 ─ Character Development: Again, yes, both Yuri and Yoona developed as characters, but because there was not much description on the two, it was d
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