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minleo
mirrorgirl
Ipseity
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name : the colour of emotion
Request: Story review
message: 72/100!
THIS REVIEW IS PURELY JUST BASED ON MY PERSONAL OPINION. I DO NOT REPRESENT THE ENTIRE READER'S POPULATION. Title: The Colour of Emotion
Author: minleo
10/10 ─ Story Title: I didn't actually understand why the title was as it is until I read the story. I mean I understood that emotions can be related to colors, but I didn't expect the title to relate to a mood ring. So, I admit. That was creative.
9/10 ─ Description/Forward: The foreword was fine. It would pique the curiosity of the readers, especially with the questions. However, there is a grammar mistake in one of the sentence.
Original: ....far more dangerous and dark than her parents?
Fixed: ....far more dangerous and darker than her parents?
10/10 ─ Writing Style: I don't have a problem with your writing style. Sufficient descriptions that are paired together with the dialogues. Keep it up!
9/15 ─ Grammar/Word Choice: This is where the main problem lies. I've spotted a lot of grammar and puntuations mistakes and the tenses used were inconsistent.
Examples:
Original:
Chapter 1, paragraph 1: .... she was wary of the street gangs that rule the underground world of the city of Seoul.
Fixed: .... she was wary of the street gangs that rule the underground world in the city of Seoul.
Reason: 'at' is generally used for a specific location or thing, whereas 'in' is generally used for a larger area where there are numerous specific locations possible. For this sentence, the better preposition word to use is 'at' since you're referring to Seoul in general.
Original:
Chapter 1, paragraph 5: She hurried inside and locked herself in before resting her back against the door and heaving out a relieved sigh.
Fixed: She hurried inside, locking herself in before resting her back against the door and heaved a sigh of relief.
Reason: Instead of using 2 'and', I think putting a comma is more appropriate in this context. And instead of 'heaving out a relieved sigh' , it's better to put 'heaved a sigh of relief', or 'a relieved sigh esceped her lips'. Either one is fine.
Orginal:
Chapter 1, paragraph 8: She flicked through the channels and she quietly slurped at her noodles, stopping on a channel showing the evening news.
Fixed: She flicked through the channels whilst slurping her noodles as quietly as possible. She stopped at a channel that was showing the evening news.
Reason: 'Slurping' is to eat of drink noisily. So it's hard to make it quiet, unless you try to. And as you can see, I splitted it into two sentences since I thought that it was appropri
Request: Story review
message: 72/100!
THIS REVIEW IS PURELY JUST BASED ON MY PERSONAL OPINION. I DO NOT REPRESENT THE ENTIRE READER'S POPULATION. Title: The Colour of Emotion
Author: minleo
10/10 ─ Story Title: I didn't actually understand why the title was as it is until I read the story. I mean I understood that emotions can be related to colors, but I didn't expect the title to relate to a mood ring. So, I admit. That was creative.
9/10 ─ Description/Forward: The foreword was fine. It would pique the curiosity of the readers, especially with the questions. However, there is a grammar mistake in one of the sentence.
Original: ....far more dangerous and dark than her parents?
Fixed: ....far more dangerous and darker than her parents?
10/10 ─ Writing Style: I don't have a problem with your writing style. Sufficient descriptions that are paired together with the dialogues. Keep it up!
9/15 ─ Grammar/Word Choice: This is where the main problem lies. I've spotted a lot of grammar and puntuations mistakes and the tenses used were inconsistent.
Examples:
Original:
Chapter 1, paragraph 1: .... she was wary of the street gangs that rule the underground world of the city of Seoul.
Fixed: .... she was wary of the street gangs that rule the underground world in the city of Seoul.
Reason: 'at' is generally used for a specific location or thing, whereas 'in' is generally used for a larger area where there are numerous specific locations possible. For this sentence, the better preposition word to use is 'at' since you're referring to Seoul in general.
Original:
Chapter 1, paragraph 5: She hurried inside and locked herself in before resting her back against the door and heaving out a relieved sigh.
Fixed: She hurried inside, locking herself in before resting her back against the door and heaved a sigh of relief.
Reason: Instead of using 2 'and', I think putting a comma is more appropriate in this context. And instead of 'heaving out a relieved sigh' , it's better to put 'heaved a sigh of relief', or 'a relieved sigh esceped her lips'. Either one is fine.
Orginal:
Chapter 1, paragraph 8: She flicked through the channels and she quietly slurped at her noodles, stopping on a channel showing the evening news.
Fixed: She flicked through the channels whilst slurping her noodles as quietly as possible. She stopped at a channel that was showing the evening news.
Reason: 'Slurping' is to eat of drink noisily. So it's hard to make it quiet, unless you try to. And as you can see, I splitted it into two sentences since I thought that it was appropri
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