• The heart wants what it wants.

          “I m moving out” jiyong could feel all the members stare on him. Nobody said a word. After all it was so sudden. “when..?” youngbae asks back. “well…actually tomorrow” jiyong feels guilty. He hasn’t discuss it at all with s. And now he is moving out tomorrow. The room fell into silence. It makes jiyong more upset for not telling s beforehand. “hyung..it is good for you, isn’t it? I m envious, now hyung has his own home” daesung said as he lets out an awkward laugh. “but still u should have to told us.. it is too sudden” seunghyun hyung complain. Jiyong smiles “sorry it is just that I was looking for a condo and it just went well so it is a bit sudden” jiyong tries to make excuse. “but why so sudden jiyong-ah?” youngbae ask him again. Jiyong doesn’t want to answer. “it is that I have enough money and I wanted to live alone. It is not like we are going to live together forever right?” jiyong lies. He glances at seungri, who just keep his face down. Seungri was sad. Jiyong knows.

        Jiyong comes out to balcony not wanting to face seungri yet. Why was he doing like that? Only jiyong would know the reason. He wanted to run away from the feeling. The feeling he has been developing for seungri. He knows it is impossible. Falling in love with seungri is the last thing he should do. Jiyong can be gay. He can love other guys but not seungri, not his own band mate. He cant fall in love with seungri, that is the fact. Jiyong wonders why seungri out of everyone else. “hey.. can I talk?” jiyong nodded at youngbae. Actually he doesn’t want to talk with his best friend. Because that guy knows so much about him. Jiyong still remembers the conversation he had with youngbae in the past days. Youngbae asked jiyong if he is in love with seungri. Jiyong told him no and he even promise that he will never love that younger boy. But now he is. And that why he is trying to run away.

         “you know jiyong, the thing u just did is not like u. U r not someone who would move out of the dorm and not even discuss with us. What wrong?” jiyong stares at youngbae. I falls in love with seungri. And I m trying to fix it. “just.. things just happen like that..” jiyong avoid youngbae eyes not wanting him to find out the truth. “is this..because of seungri?” yet that guy found out the truth. Jiyong blinks his eyes trying to chase away the tears. “..no..” his voice come out really choking. Youngbae stand beside him as he stares at the sky like jiyong does. “you know we have known each other for a long time that i know when u r lying even if I don’t want to know..” youngbae sighed. “jiyong-ah if by chance, if u fall in love with seungri, I won’t mind. I won’t be disgusted by you. We can never control who we love so I don’t blame u. And that’s why if things get hard, I want u to open up to me. I m ur best friend, right?” jiyong stares at youngbae. And he hugs him. “thank you really” jiyong doesn’t want to lie any longer. And hearing such support from youngbae makes him relieve a lot.

        Jiyong packs his luggage as seungri helps. No one said a word. But jiyong notice that sad face of seungri still remain. “so u r really leaving” seungri asks him a question. The truth is jiyong doesn’t want to leave. If possible jiyong wants to stay forever with seungri. But jiyong knows it is impossible. “yea I m” seungri scoffs. And he stands up. “I cant understand hyung. Why don’t u tell us? I mean u should at least tell me. I have been ur roommate for years and why cant u even tell me that?” seungri was angry, jiyong can see that. “relax ri. I m sorry, but if I m gone isn’t it better for u? u get the whole room by ur self and no one would bother u at night” jiyong tries to make a joke. But it worsens the situation as seungri face turn into hurt expression. “do u think I m happy?”seungri asks as his eyes turns teary. Jiyong hates that seungri crying because of him. Jiyong doesn’t want that. “after all those years, do u think I will be happy without u?” a drop of seungri tear make jiyong heart pained. Don’t cry please. Seungri nodded and take a step to the door. But jiyong grabs seungri arm. And he looks into seungri eyes. “do u think I m happy too?” jiyong asks.

       “then why.. please tell me the reason” seungri asks looking pitifully into jiyong eyes. “hyung ask me not to leave you yet why r u leaving me?” because I love u jiyong answered in his head. “for the best.. we all need to part way one day, we all need to leave a dorm and start our own homes, lives and… families. I m just trying to be the first so that u guys can follow..” jiyong said as he wipes away the tears on seungri cheeks. “please understand me maknae-ah..” seungri shake his head. “still u should at least give me some time to prepare myself.. now..” seungri stops his sentence and he stares into jiyong eyes. “sometimes hyung… u never think for me. U r selfish” the words seungri just said was too harsh for jiyong. Jiyong cant even said anything back. That’s when seungri move his arm from jiyong and walk out of the room. Jiyong lets him go because it maybe better this way. So jiyong can forget seungri. So jiyong can get rid of his feelings toward seungri. But deep inside, jiyong knows he is going to regret this moment for not stopping seungri.           

     The next day when jiyong wakes up, seungri isn’t beside him. Even when he is having his last meal in the dorm with the members, seungri isn’t there. And when he walks out of the door with his luggage, exchanging goodbye with s, seungri isn’t there. “are u ok?” youngbae asks him as he carry some luggage of jiyong to the car. “I notice seungri is missing, did u guys have a fight?” youngbae asks him looking really concerned. “seungri..is upset” jiyong could only say that. “well looking by how he doesn’t return home last night, he must be really upset” youngbae words make jiyong worried. Where would that little guy goes and sleep? Who the hell is he with? All those little questions pop up. No ! he should be forgetting these. He should be forgetting seungri.

       Youngbae coughed making jiyong realize “jiyong.. u know.. it is that don’t u think seungri might like u too?” jiyong looks at youngbae. “the way he acts is just like u. he might be in love with u too. Why don’t u confess him?” jiyong shoot a glare instantly. “non-sense youngbae. Seungri doesn’t love me. Why would he? He is completely straight. AND even if seungri loves me, how can we.. we..? we are in a famous group with everyone looking at us. Do u think we can become a couple??” jiyong was fed up the ridiculous things youngbae just said. “ok calm down man.. I m just saying” jiyong patted youngbae shoulders. “then I will be going. This is my address. Tell the other guys too.. and seungri” jiyong said as he go into the car. Jiyong is ready. Ready to run away from seungri. Ready to throw away his feelings. Jiyong start the car and drive away from the dorm. “Bye to all the memories I have built within these 5 years” jiyong mumbled.

      Opening his new condo, this is jiyong new start. There will be no seungri to sleep together. No seungri to make his day better. Now jiyong is gonna see seungri only when there is work. He will be able to get rid of this stupid one sided love. Jiyong looks at his new condo. This is big, really big with many furniture but yet so empty without his other guys. “let just start. Kwon jiyoung u can do it” jiyong remind himself as he start packing things. Jiyong start doing tasks, from placing his clothes, his books, his games, his photos and all those stuff to decorating the place, jiyong does all without any rest. And when he finishes it was already night time. Jiyong looks out balcony. His room is at third floor so he can even see the face of the people on the ground unlike the dorm one where their room was at seventh floor. This balcony is bigger than that one at dorm yet for some reason he likes the dorm one more.

         Jiyong stares at the stars. “what would u be doing at this hour lee seungri?” jiyong wonders. As he looks around he see some kids playing at the playground. They looks so happy and innocent. How he wish he could be like them. And jiyong saw someone coming out of their condo. That when it hits him. It was seungri. Seungri stands there for a while. He must be thinking whether to come to jiyong or just walk away. Jiyong was hoping seungri would not come in his head but his heart says the opposite. Then jiyong saw seungri moving. Moving away from him. Seungri steps were slow and heavy. Jiyong stares at seungri back. Chasing seungri is the least thing he should do if he wants to get rid of his feeling for seungri. But the lonely back of seungri makes him forget everything as he start to runs toward him.

        Every steps he takes, jiyong doesn’t regret. Jiyong knows he should do it. He should at least listen to the reason why seungri comes to him. Jiyong should at least hug seungri after coming this long. Jiyong heart was beating fast maybe because he is running fast. But jiyong knows it is because of seungri. As he arrived to the ground, jiyong saw seungri not too far trying to cross the road. Jiyong takes all the courage and runs toward his target. But seungri already crossed it and it was still green light when jiyong arrived. But Jiyong stopped. He is the leader of bigbang. He is a singer that everyone knows. And seungri is someone who is supposed to be his brother. Why is jiyong in love with him when he clearly shouldn’t? Maybe jiyong should stop. Jiyong knows he should stop.  He looks at seungri back for the last time and ready to turn away.

       Yet he still take a look at the traffic light showing there is only 5 second left for him to cross it. Or it will be red and jiyong will never know why seungri come. He knows it is now or never. Jiyong let out a sigh as he runs toward seungri. Even if they are apart for miles, jiyong would always find his way back to seungri. Because jiyong knows the truth is he need seungri in his life. “LEE SEUNGRI” jiyong shouted just glad that there is no one near here. Seungri turns back. And jiyong goes straight into seungri arms. “I will answer it now. I m not happy” jiyong takes a breath. “I miss u already u rascal” seungri wraps his hand around jiyong’s tight. “me too hyung” seungri voice was more like a whisper. Jiyong smiles. He knows he cant get rid this feeling anymore.

Because jiyong has already fallen too deep into seungri.  

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