pairing: Jihyo x Dahyun

summary: Dahyun’s life in five visits – and their aftermath.

warning: minor character deaths, mention of wrist cutting and blood. (it's not as bad as it sounds heh)

Dahyun squinted. It had snowed the night before, making the tarmac glisten with things half-frozen. The sun shone on the scattered snow so brightly that it burned the memories of the past months with a great blaze.

"It won't hurt?" she asked again, holding a teddy close to her chest, small fingers awkward in new roomy mittens.

"It won’t, honey," Dahyun's mom said and the front seat to look at her. "It will be over before you know it."

Her mom was trying to be patient but Dahyun could sense her annoyance. Her dad wasn't saying anything and just kept driving. Dahyun could only see the side of his glasses and grey-black hair above a thin ear - he looked large and silent like a mountain.

"What now," he muttered and Dahyun looked out of the window, seeing colorful lights flashing at the side of the road. Different vehicles were pushed to the sides like a great dragon had passed by and made everything move away with its great tail. Dahyun saw several people but was drawn to an old man with a bright red mark on his forehead as a young woman escorted him towards a colorful van with its back doors open.

"It's the weather-," her mother started when Dahyun felt an enormous push from behind, followed by a sound that seemed to be inside her bones and in her neck snapping forward. The seat belt bit painfully into her skin before releasing her again.

She opened her eyes, not knowing when she had closed them. She realized her hands were empty and saw the teddy face-down on the floor of the car. She reached out, but the bear was too far away. A wail grew in , but she bit her lip and reached again, pushing her whole body against the belt. The harder she pushed, the harder the belt pushed back.

Just as she was about to cry out to her mother, a shadow fell over the car window. Dahyun turned to look, forgetting the teddy the moment she saw the woman's face smiling down on her. It was the most gentle, sweet-looking face Dahyun had ever seen. She smiled back, even as she was usually shy around strangers. The woman's hair had been pulled back into a bun and it shone in the morning light as she opened the car door and let in a rush of cool air. With a pretty hand she gently reached out and took the teddy bear by its paw, returning it to amazed Dahyun. Still smiling, the woman brushed her fingers across Dahyun's cheek before turning and closing the door.

Dahyun watched the woman walking away, noting the dark uniform she was wearing while going from one car to another. She glanced in through every window like she was looking for someone. When she stopped by a blue sedan, she opened another door. Quietly, she helped a woman out of the car and arm in arm they walked away, crossing a field near the road and vanished into thickets on the other side. It all seemed to happen in long seconds that stretched the time unnaturally.

"Honey, are you okay?" Her mother's panicky voice came from the front seat. The silence that had just surrounded the whole world was broken. Sirens were screaming, someone was shouting, her mother was repeating the same things over and over, and as her father woke up, he groaned like he was pushing through obstacles to get back to them.

Where did the woman go, Dahyun thought and squeezed the teddy bear, looking across the field even as some grown-up came to carry her away, asking questions she didn’t listen to.

- - -

Dahyun came back to the present in the living room. When had the ambulance left? A minute ago? Five minutes ago? It was strange how she was worrying about time at a time like that. Perhaps because it had run out so suddenly.

When her parents had divorced four years ago, she had stayed at her mom's place and visited her dad almost every week. He lived closer to school, so it was easy to drop by and see how he was doing. She couldn't help but feel the need to protect him. Without her mother, he seemed a little lost, like he had forgotten what he was in the middle of doing.

She had tried to cheer him up the best she could and lately he had seemed better, somehow lighter. Like something was about to begin.

Only it had ended.

She glanced at a graduation photo of herself on the wall and didn't feel the usual embarrassment and frustration. In the picture, she looked like a mischievous boy - someone who could always find a reason for merriment. She didn't recognize the version of herself anymore. The other version belonged to the past while the present was busy shaping itself in violent forms. Future would still be centuries away.

The walls of the house seemed suddenly too heavy, like the concrete and metal underneath were clawing out of their flimsy wallpaper cages. Dahyun gasped for air and walked to the back door, opening it with clammy hands. Behind it, her father's small garden slept in the morning dew, making her shoes wet and cold. At least, it was easier to breathe out in the open.

The garden was next to a small park that had swings and other things for children. Dahyun had often spend time there, sometimes with a friend and sometimes alone. It was a cozy little clearing but in the grey morning light it looked far more solemn and eerie than during the usual sunny afternoons when Dahyun got back from school.

On one of the swings sat an older man, with his long legs bowed to sides as he was too tall to sit properly. It was a sad sight, making tears run down Dahyun's cheeks. She wanted to go to the man and comfort him, because she was unable to comfort herself.

Despite wanting to reach out to the man, Dahyun stayed rooted to the spot, wet grass crushed under the soles of her shoes. She was so concentrated on the figure that she didn't notice first when a woman walked to the playground. The stranger was only ten meters from the man when Dahyun noticed her. When she did, her tears stopped, and her grief was forgotten. The woman was wearing a long brown coat that looked stifling even in the cool morning. Something about her reminded Dahyun of someone, but who, she couldn't recall.

When the woman reached the spot where the man was, he looked up from the ground and they smiled at each other like old friends. The woman offered her hand to the man to help him up, but even as he tried to get up he couldn't. Dahyun could feel his weariness across the garden, the same weight pressing on her own shoulders.

Then something strange happened. The woman put one arm around the man's back and another under his bent knees and with little effort she lifted him into her arms. Dahyun gasped, the sound of it loud like a shot in the silent garden. The man seemed to shrink as he placed his head on the woman's strong shoulder.

That was when Dahyun recognized him. It was her father.

Terrified, she watched as the woman carried her father out of the playground, like a mother carrying a baby. Dahyun bolted, almost tripping on her father's roses as she dashed through the garden, barely slowing down as she jumped over the fence. The path to the playground had never seemed so over-grown as it did then when her gaze tried to follow the brown-coated woman while still watch her feet. One last look through the trees and she emerged in the clearing, wild like a deer.

The woman was gone. No sight of her or Dahyun’s father.

Dahyun searched the playground and the woods around it until she couldn't remember what the woman had looked like or what had been the color of her coat. Exhausted and heartbroken, she sat on the swing her father had sat on. There were no footprints on the sand underneath her feet, but she thought the surface underneath her felt slightly warm.

Dahyun wept.

- - -

The closest bus stop to Dahyun's house was nestled under a huge tree, making the dull box look more photogenic than it had any right to be. Dahyun had several pictures of it on her phone - at least one for every season. Her favorites were the winter ones, when the tree was covered in snow and frost, like a decoration from a winter-themed park.

However, that Tuesday morning she paid no attention to the tree. Chaeyoung had texted her pictures from the night before and Dahyun knew that if she didn't react to them properly the younger girl would ask her if she was okay. Dahyun would rather not start that well-repeated conversation first thing in the morning. She had spent another night with nightmares that she couldn't quite grasp in the morning. Instead she stuffed the bad dreams and her school books into her back bag and tried to pretend they weren't there.

Dahyun also didn't pay attention to a young woman who was leaning against the great tree. The woman was wearing a long red dress that was an odd choice for a chilly November noon. She stared at Dahyun without trying to hide her interest and in an otherwise empty bus stop it should have been an expression as noticeable as calling another person's name.

Dahyun kept her gaze on the phone.

When the bus emerged from around the corner, both women turned to look at it. The lady in red lifted her hand and the bus rolled to a stop beside the curb, making fallen leaves dance on the glistening tarmac. Dahyun send a one quick message to her friend and then put the phone in her pocket, fixing the strap of her bag as she walked to the door of the bus. Just as she was about to climb the steps up into the vehicle, a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"This one's not for you," the woman in red said and for the first time since going to the bus stop Dahyun looked at something that wasn’t her phone or her own inner world of thoughts. The woman in front of her had two large eyes and two moles under her right eye and one on her nose. She smiled down on Dahyun with charming painted lips, the color of crushed roses.

"But-"

"You're too early," the woman said and lifted her hand to brush a lock of hair behind Dahyun's ear.

Stunned, Dahyun took a step back and watched as the bus door slid closed, separating her and the woman. She stood still, watching as the bus retreated down the road. She couldn't see the woman anymore, only heads of some other passengers that had dressed up in regular fall clothes, going about their normal lives.

You missed the bus, she thought and panicked, the rest of the world coming alive again with sounds and scents. She took a few quick strides towards the bus, but it was already too far for her to catch even if she was the fastest runner in the world. And by the time the next bus would arrive her only lecture for the day would be over.

Confused and defeated, Dahyun walked back home. She ignored the buzzing of her phone until it grew still again. She didn’t want to explain to anyone why she hadn’t gone to school when she wasn’t sure about the answer herself. She would just got back to bed and hope that the headache like amnesia would ease with it. Studying could wait till the evening when she could get the lecture slides from one of her course mates.

Back bag forgotten by the door, she went up to her room, not bothering to close the door. She barely managed to discard her jeans when she was already fast asleep on the bed, mind diving into the world where her father still existed, and nightmares would always end, no matter how bad they were.

Three hours later she woke up to her phone pressing into her abdomen. She had fallen asleep with the phone on her hand and in her sleep, she had rolled over it. She took the burning device and rolled on to her back, groaning as her left arm tingled with pins and needles.

12 missed phone calls. Dahyun squinted and opened the lock screen, annoyed that she couldn't rest in peace without having to pay for it afterwards. But when she saw that all the calls were from her mom, she opened her eyes properly, waking up like someone had thrown a bucket full of cold water on her face. Her mother rarely fussed, so that many missed calls could only mean something was wrong.

The phone dialed, once, twice.

"Dahyun oh my god are you okay? Where are you? I have been trying to call you for an hour now and when you didn't answer-"

"Mom, calm down. What's going on?

"What's-, baby where are you?"

"I'm home, mom, I-"

"Thank god-," her mom managed before she burst into violent sobs that had Dahyun squeezing her phone tighter.

"Mom, what happened?" she said, voice tight enough to be painful.

"The bus- your bus-," her mother said between sobs. "There was an accident at the bridge- everyone's- dead."

Dahyun shivered, every hair on her body standing up. She couldn't remember why she had missed the bus, but it had to do with something red.

It took half an hour before her mother calmed down enough that Dahyun could hang up. In the silence of her room she felt the weight of the worlds on her shoulders. They pressed her down until she had to run - run to the bathroom and throw up.

- - -

It had been an accident.

Sure, she had thought about it before. Had even taken a knife and cut the flesh on her wrist, but when the blood started to pour down her skin, it had surprised her. There was so much of it and it was smearing her whole bathroom and making her sick. She had forgotten how much she hated blood, but she remembered now, so vividly that it was like receiving someone else’s feelings in a dream.

Dahyun kicked the knife under the bathroom sink, horrified by how sharp it had been. She pressed a pale blue towel on her wound and watched as the blue turned dark red-brown. She wanted to turn away and let someone else take care of it all, but there was no one to turn to. No mother to call for help now that she was living alone.

The room around her was moving and she was forced to lay down, colors pulsing under her closed eyelids. Somewhere upstairs a toilet was flushed, and she could hear the water rushing down the plumbing, like the blood rushing out of her body. It made her think of the building having veins, just like she did. Only bigger, with more blood.

She gagged, wondering how much longer she would have to wait for the ambulance. The woman on the phone had said fifteen minutes. She had laughed at the absurdity of it. She could have gotten a pizza delivered just as fast. But then it dawned on her, what she had done.

Dahyun pressed the side of her face against the cool bathroom tiles and swallowed. The little gasps she let out were distant echoes, like whale songs across oceans. Would dying be the same as going deaf? All sounds slowly disappearing until the only thing left would be silence.

"Dahyun."

Dahyun opened her eyes and saw a young woman kneeling on the floor. She was wearing a large white sweater and white pants, somehow not staining herself with all the blood around. Her eyes shone sadly and Dahyun wanted to ask her what was wrong until she remembered her own state, embarrassed to be so hurt and vulnerable in front of such compassion.

"You're still too early," the woman said and pressed a warm sweater paw on Dahyun's cheek. "I know you feel guilty about not being on the bus with the others, but you don't get to decide who lives or who dies."

Dahyun swallowed and the motion set warm liquid running down her cheeks. First, she thought of blood, but then realized they were tears. Somehow, it felt worse and better at the same time.

"It has been two years. You need to start living your life," the woman said and lifted Dahyun's arm into her lap. She pressed the forgotten towel on the wound again, inflicting only distant pain in Dahyun's numb body. Looking at her, it was easy to forget the state she was in. The stranger made her feel like everything would be okay.

Time passed and Dahyun wondered why it all seemed so familiar. Like something she had seen in a movie or read in a book. When everything else faded away, she held on to the thought.

"I have seen you before," Dahyun mumbled, her vision getting blurry except where the woman was. She was the only clear thing left in the world, shining saintly glow around her. The woman nodded and let go of Dahyun's arm to press a kiss on her head before pulling away. Dahyun felt the loss of connection as an ache that filled her everywhere.

"What's your name?" she managed through white lips.

"I'm Jihyo," the woman said as she stood up and smiled. She sobered again after a moment and added: "Remember what I said. Live well."

Dahyun watched as the figure in white left the bathroom the same time as two figures stepped in, blurry where Jihyo was clear, loud while Jihyo was quiet, flickering where Jihyo remained still.

"Miss, miss? Can you hear me? Help is here, just hang in there-"

Dahyun's eyes slipped closed, the last image being two fuzzy faces and a distant flash in the foyer as someone closed the front door.

- - -

The hospital room was blissfully quiet. No solemn children to comfort, no bewildered grand-children to tease, no efficient nurses to ignore. Dahyun smiled at the thought. She would have laughed but she had no energy for such things. Eight months of cancer treatments had left her empty except for a sliver of humor and a tiny flicker of life.

She was expecting someone. Ever since her husband had died five years ago, she had been waiting, sometimes less and sometimes more, depending on her mood. More when puking into a plastic bag for the fourth time in a row after chemo therapy and less when she could slip her hand into her grand-daughter's silky hair, watching the life flaming in her dark fairy eyes as every move she made seemed like dancing.

When the front door opened, Dahyun’s heart began to beat faster. The last time she had seen (or rather, sensed) Jihyo had been by her husband’s bedside. It had been nothing but a light touch on her shoulders as she slept in the hospital room, unknowing that her loved one was dying. She had been upset afterwards, but the feeling passed, just like all the other hurt in life.

Now a person stood in the doorway, wearing a white unicorn onesie that reminded Dahyun of the ones her grandchildren loved to wear.

Dahyun burst out laughing, surprised that she could laugh again without feeling like half of her internal organs would fail in the process.

"I didn't expect you to wear that," she said after she had calmed down. The woman in the white costume walked to the bedside and grinned, pushing back the hood - horn and all. She looked just as young as Dahyun remembered, except for the eyes. In the dark orbits swirled memories of long-gone stars.

"The previous customer wanted this," she said and dusted invisible particles off her shoulder. "What would you like, Dahyun?"

"Choose something for yourself," Dahyun said, not bothering to wonder where the answer had come from. Change of outfit seemed like an odd gift for dying people, something her old friend Chaeyoung would have found hilarious.

"Are you sure?" the woman said, surprised. "I get to do this more times than I can count, but you can only go once. Sure you want to waste your turn?"

"It's not a waste. At least if you carry me like you carried my father."

Jihyo squinted.

"Brave of you to flirt with death," the woman said and Dahyun laughed again, too happy to suppress the thrill. She hadn't felt so good in years, if ever. She felt sorry for people who worried about death for decades before actually dying, only for it to be so sweet.

"Is that what you are then, death?"

"Sort of," Jihyo said and smiled. She snapped her fingers three times and the onesie changed into a shining armor. Before Dahyun could finish her gasp, the woman had gathered her in her arms like she was nothing but a book about feathers. Dahyun wrapped her arms around the knight's neck and looked down, noticing the pale green dress she was wearing. Gone were the wrinkles in her hands and the stiffness of her old body that had been lying in bed for ages.

"This is what you wanted?" Dahyun asked, blushing as Jihyo walked through the room and opened the door, metal boots clanking against the rubber floor. Now she certainly sounded like approaching death.

"It's one of my favorites," she said and Dahyun wondered what the other favorites could be. Golden sari? Black cloak? Bikini? She didn't ask.

The hospital was buzzing with activity even as the official visiting hours had ended earlier. Jihyo kept walking with a steady pace and the staff passed her by, not noticing anything out of the ordinary. Every time Dahyun thought that they would collide with someone, the person would change their course by a fraction as if they could sense danger.

"Why can't they see you?"

"Most people can't. Only those who witnessed death at a very young age. But even then, it's rare," Jihyo said and looked at the people warmly, before turning to look at Dahyun like she was the only thing in the world.

"Are you telling me I'm special?" she said and hold on tighter as Jihyo's frame shook with laughter. Dahyun felt warm, but something kept distracting her. Jihyo felt so familiar, like they had known each other for longer than Dahyun had been alive. Before Jihyo could recover from her laughter, she said:

"I feel like I know you."

"We have met before," Jihyo said and walked out of the front doors of the hospital, into late evening that was crowded with cars and pedestrians. Living things.

"No, before that," Dahyun said and felt frustrated. She was about to complete a puzzle, but the last piece wouldn't fit.

"You are a strange one," Jihyo said and walked through thickets behind the hospital. The terrain was becoming foreign and Dahyun could swear they were not in Seoul anymore even as Jihyo had only taken less than ten strides from the hospital grounds. A whiff of sea was drifting to Dahyun’s nostrils.

"There are countless different realities," Jihyo said after a moment of thoughtfulness. "All of us get to be everyone and everything at some point, in some universe. When our story in one world ends, we begin somewhere else and the cycle never ends. Most of us aren't aware of it in any way, but some souls are more keen-eyed. People like you."

"Are you saying that- that in some other universe you're not death?" Dahyun asked and frowned, trying to make sense of the enlightened nonsense she had just heard. The evening around them was deepening and large trees surrounded them from all sides, towering over them like pillars.

"I don't think I would call myself that. I'm more like a messenger, or a bridge between different worlds. There is no death in an endless cycle."

"But-"

Jihyo stepped through another pair of large trees and Dahyun felt as the ground underneath the knight gave away a little. She could smell salt and hear a wail of some distraught bird she had never heard before. The surroundings were familiar and brand new at the same time.

This is the oldest sea in the oldest universe, Dahyun thought, confused as to where the thought had come from and why it felt so right.

"Your boat is here," Jihyo said and let Dahyun down. The sand under Dahyun's feet was cool and so fine that it felt like walking on powder. "I can't go any further, so I wish you a good journey."

Jihyo leaned in and pressed a kiss on Dahyun's hand, playing her role as a knight to the very last detail. Behind her soft face something old seemed to be shifting and changing which made Dahyun afraid.

"Sweet Dreams, Dahyun," Jihyo said and turned around with a smile ghosting her lips.

"Goodnight," Dahyun said and watched as the silver figure disappeared into the woods again. She didn't feel sad at the parting, because she knew it wasn't really a parting, just like death wasn't really death. They were part of the same framework and could never be separated.

Dahyun turned around towards the sea and her black boat, the helms of her dress creating waves on the sand as she moved. She pushed the boat forward and jumped in, beginning to row like she had done it countless of times before. And she had. She always would.

- - -

"Hey!"

Dahyun jerked awake and opened her eyes just to close them again. Sana was going off about something and the car underneath bounced, making her body swing uncomfortably. She wanted to fall back asleep, but the dream was gone, as hard to catch as a golden phoenix.

"We are almost home," Jihyo murmured and Dahyun forced her eyes open to locate the leader. On the seat next to her the older girl was looking serene and tired, but not in a way Dahyun knew she herself was.

"I dreamed about you," she blurted and scratched her head, trying to clear the fleeing thoughts in her mind.

"Oh? What was it about?"

Dahyun closed her eyes again and tried to think, but it didn't help. All she could do was to think about how good Jihyo's voice sounded so close by, only directed to her. It made her feel even more confused as the Jihyo in her dream and the Jihyo next to her danced around her, just beyond her grasp.

"I can't remember, but you were there."

The car pulled into a familiar garage and the members began to collect their things. Jihyo was about to say something but then Jeongyeon pushed past her, shoving the leader playfully back to sitting position. Dahyun was too preoccupied to be amused.

"Do you believe in alternate universes?"

"I'm not sure, "Jihyo said as she got up again, eyes blazing with revenge. She raised her voice as she stepped out of the van and yelled:

"But I hope there is a universe where Yoo Jeongyeon is kept in a zoo!"

Dahyun watched as the leader ran after the second oldest, the members giggling around her. The world inside the van was quiet and immense, older than she was, and younger. She could feel the weight of the universes on her shoulders like a reassuring squeeze and looking back she thought she could see water behind the car. In a blink the vision was gone, and she followed the others, certain that she was where she should be.

A/N: This what happens when you read too many Sandman comics... Anyway, Dahyo nation called. I tried to answer. I hope I didn't fail my own people...