pairing: Jihyo x Chaeyoung

summary: Chaeyoung's past is still mingling with her present.

Chaeyoung watched as another tv show host made another worn-out joke. It had never occurred to her just how many late night variety shows there could be on tv at the same time. Miraculously the same faces seemed to appear on different shows simultaneously.

From the bedroom, she could hear Jihyo reading a story for Nari. It made Chaeyoung think of her own mother whose storytelling had always been top-notch. Even as an adult she sometimes wished her mother would appear in her bedroom late at night and read her a story that would make sense.

Unlike the reality did.

The evening had been pleasant enough with her and Nari watching Kung Fu Panda and eating popcorn. The little girl had unnerved her at the beginning because she had her mother’s large eyes and analytical gaze that reminded her of past mistakes with other people. But as the girl learned that Chaeyoung could be trusted she became warm and responding, giving her hugs and kisses often. Of course, that made Jihyo very happy. She would often follow them with her gaze, eyes shining with tenderness.

The gaze always said more than she would have wanted to hear.

Chaeyoung really should have been at the studio packing paintings for next day’s meeting with possible buyers but Jihyo had asked her to babysit Nari for a few hours. People always called her a natural talent but for some reason her talents didn’t include saying no to Jihyo when she really should have.

She sighed and turned a channel once again.

When she came to the conclusion that nothing better would come from any of the countless channels, she gave up and let the current program run in the background. Letting her head fall back and rest on the couch cushion she closed her eyes for a moment. She could still hear Jihyo’s voice and she indulged in thoughts of the most uncomplicated kind.

The different sounds in the background, the mellow thoughts and the soft couch made it impossible for her to stay awake which she didn’t realize until she woke up to a voice.

“Should I put you to bed, as well?” Jihyo asked, leaning against a doorframe, one hand elegantly on her hip. She was still wearing her work clothes that made her look older and more serious which Chaeyoung knew not to be the whole truth. Jihyo had many layers and she knew that if she would start peeling them away it would take years, maybe a lifetime. Eternity, if only that was on offer.

“The couch is fine,” she answered, trying not to blush at the double meaning of Jihyo’s words. The older woman left her place by the doorframe and came to the couch, sitting down right next to Chaeyoung who was busy trying to sit up straighter. Her feet never reached the floor because she was too short and the couch too big, and it made her feel juvenile.

“Why don’t you stay over? I’ll drive you home in the morning,” Jihyo breathed, lifting a hand to start playing with a strand of Chaeyoung’s red hair. It was as if she was persuading her with both words and touches. That kind of strategy seemed to fit the other woman perfectly.

“I can’t,” she said, clearing in the process. Jihyo was always the one asking things and she was always the one trying to say no, at least in her head.

By now Jihyo was leaning against her side, touch as heavy as the mist that seemed to cover her usually alert mind, making it hard to think clearly. The brunette always managed to go to her head like a potion, making her sluggish and listless on the outside.

“I have to be early at the studio.”

Jihyo didn’t seem to care about this but only grew bolder with the way her fingertips danced all over her hair. As soon as Chaeyoung could feel a gentle but firm touch on her forehead her eyes grew too heavy to keep open.

“Jihyo-ya,” she whispered trying to sound disapproving even as only a small part in her brain was screaming obscenities at her futile attempts at self-defense. Slowly, she opened her eyes again, only now seeing just how close the other woman was. Jihyo’s long eyelashes were casting lace like shadows over her eyes and cheeks, while was ajar –the gates of heaven or hell, she couldn’t tell.

As Jihyo started moving even closer her natural instinct was to pull back. The slow, silent battle ended as the back of her head met the cushion again. Then she was between two softs, as Jihyo kissed her as convincingly as ever. The redhead seemed to completely melt, her body turning immaterial.

They had kissed once before and it had been an inevitable ending to another night of murmured life stories and quiet confessions. Jihyo had looked at her like a bright future was shining in her dark eyes and she had believed it for a moment. In the illusion, both Nari and Jihyo loved her and they would form a perfect little family, sailing through rivers of tears with minimal effort. Chaeyoung had felt something inside her waking as her back had been against the front door, with Jihyo’s warmth all around her.

She wanted this so much that it frightened her.

Even her art wasn’t immune. Months ago she had started painting with warm colors and round shapes which reminded her of Jihyo and her round eyes. Before that she had spent years painting with shades of blue and angular shapes that reminded her of Tzuyu and her long limbs. Jihyo was taking over her life, wiping away the remnants of Tzuyu’s love and hatred.

Well, almost.

“I really have to go,” she said, pulling away as much she could. Jihyo’s other leg had ended up on her lap and she had to remind her hands not to touch the skin that was barely covered with tights.  However, before she could make a move to get up, Jihyo used the advantage of her position and swayed herself so that she was now fully in the younger woman’s lap.

“Stop making excuses,” Jihyo whispered the words on to her lips and kissed her again, hands firmly on her shoulders.

It was that easy for the older woman to ignite the fire that never really stopped burning. It had been awhile since someone had wanted her and it took some getting used to. This was nothing like the sloppy, drunk kisses that she had shared in bars, long after midnight. Those things were lukewarm at best, but with Jihyo things boiled and burned.

“You’re never going to grow up, right?”

It was Tzuyu’s voice. The part in her brain that controlled fear and pessimism, irony and regret that was where Tzuyu still lived. She rose like a dark entity from the depths of her mind every time she was closer to coming out of the darkness. She thanked the heavens that the Taiwanese girl couldn’t see her now and laugh at her, bombarding her with haughty remarks.

Sometimes she had to look at old photographs to remind herself of how in love they had been.

And how she had ruined it all.

Chaeyoung broke free from the kiss and dipped her head down, laying it on Jihyo’s chest. It wasn’t a position that could calm her down much but at least it hid her face effectively. She didn’t want to show how vulnerable she was, she didn’t want Jihyo to treat her like another daughter. She wanted to be equals but with the way she was behaving around her, especially when the older woman was so amazing and kind, made it impossible.

Tzuyu was right.

“I have to go,” she said again, this time with a little more conviction. Jihyo seemed to hear the change in her tone and she gave her a loose hug before she moved away from her lap and into the space next to her.

Chaeyoung bolted upright, fleeing the other woman as fast as she could. She was already in the foyer putting her bomber jacket on when Jihyo spoke.

“Just… Text me when you get home, okay?” she said calmly, as if nothing had happened. Chaeyoung tried to hear if there were any hints of her being hurt but she didn’t find them in the words. Rather, it was in the way Jihyo had curled up into the corner of the couch, one hand resting where her chest met her neck and another around her stomach. It looked like she was trying to hold something inside while trying to shield herself from the things that could come from the outside.

“I will,” she said, checking her phone, unsurprised when it showed no missed calls or messages. Not even a single e-mail. “Goodnight then.” Hand on the doorknob she lingered for a moment too long and wondered why it felt like leaving home, or going home only to realize that it is full of termites because you let them in.

“Night, Chaeyoung,” Jihyo said, her name sounding heavy and meaningful on the brunette’s lips. It was as if Jihyo already owned that name and everything related to it.

So, she fled again, walking out of the door and closing it behind her as if she was afraid something would follow her if she didn’t do it fast enough.

The air was crisp around her and it finally woke her up from her hazy terror. It was ridiculous to run away like this but she had no other choice. She felt sorry for Jihyo already, not only because she kept pushing her away, but also because she knew that someday she would give in. She felt sorry for the Jihyo in the future who would have to realize that the Chaeyoung she thought she knew, carried with her things that would pull them both down.

She got to a bus stop and went inside a shelter made of metal and dirty glass. Leaning back she let out a sigh that she had kept inside for too long. Just then her phone buzzed faintly in her pocket.

It was a message from Jihyo, simply saying:

-I’m sorry-

She felt guilt rush over her and thought about answering but only for a brief moment. Let her be sorry for both of us, for now…

If she could pretend for a little longer that this was nothing serious maybe she could save them both from further heartache. The real kind.

She glanced at the night sky, not seeing the stars that she knew would be there, somewhere. In her head, Tzuyu still kept on laughing. She let her.

A/N: Finally HyoChaeng!