pairing: Jihyo x Tzuyu

summary: They promised each other not to cry.

Tzuyu picks up a salt shaker from the table and tips it over her fries. When the salt starts to pour she realizes she already added it before. Hastily, she puts it away and glances at Jihyo who is still talking. It's clear that she hasn't noticed the odd behavior and Tzuyu swallows, feeling guilty as she tries to catch the tail of the conversation.

"-so I was thinking of adding another course. I think I could squeeze it into my schedule without dying this semester," Jihyo says and smiles a crooked smile. "What do you think?"

"If it's not deadly," Tzuyu mumbles and bites another fry. It's funny, she knows she put too much salt on them, but she can't taste it. Her senses are diluted.

Jihyo continues to talk about school and other things, and it's not that she isn't interesting, it's not even that Tzuyu doesn't want to listen (because she does, so much) but she can't, not now. So, she adds a "yeah" and "mm" here and there and even as Jihyo bravely tries to keep the conversation going, it withers away, trickles down to the last drop.

"-this is the last call for flight 1105FK to Berlin. Please proceed to gate-"

Tzuyu watches as people walk behind a glass wall that separates the restaurant from the rest of the terminal. A man in a suit passes by with precise steps and disappears behind a corner. A child is walking next to an older lady like a little duckling. There's something touching in the small boy even as Tzuyu can only see the back of the his head and wild black hair that seems to be growing towards the ceiling.

Does Jihyo want kids? She turns her gaze from the people and the grey light of the terminal. Jihyo is looking down on her phone while chewing with half open. The way she eats has always been a case of irritation and amusement for Tzuyu, sometimes she wants to tease Jihyo about it and sometimes she wants to snap "close your mouth!" but today she doesn't want to do either. She blinks and looks away - her own plate is still half full but she wasn't hungry in the first place.

Under the table, Jihyo moves her foot so that their shoes touch and Tzuyu nearly chokes on her burger.

Tears fill her eyes and when she looks up, Jihyo isn't laughing like she would on any other day and instead moves the foot away. The touch had burned them both.

-

"How much time do we have?" Tzuyu asks, as if she hasn't checked the time five times in the last three minutes. Jihyo doesn't say anything, only takes hold of Tzuyu's hand and starts leading the way through a crowd of tourists who have suddenly appeared on the entrance of the restaurant like a flock of crows.

Tzuyu doesn't feel like she is walking at all, it's more like the moving one does in dreams - a mix of floating and time traveling. Yet it's not entirely pleasant, it just is. The scale of joy and despair has halted in the middle and she can't feel anything. She knows it won't last.

She has been on the airport countless of times before, so when they turn a corner she is quite sure she knows where they're going. A sign for ladies' bathroom confirms her suspicions and she wonders why Jihyo didn't just tell her that she needs to go to bathroom. There would have been another one much closer to the customs, albeit it was always quite crowded…

Tzuyu is used to being led by Jihyo and not asking questions but when they suddenly burst into the bathroom like an army of two she opens to say... oh?

is still o-shaped when she finds herself in the last cubicle with Jihyo who is locking the door and listening to every sound around them.

"I think we're the only ones here," she whispers and looks so serious that Tzuyu forgets that she is not supposed to smile.

"I just... wanted some privacy," Jihyo adds and Tzuyu's smile drops. The cubicle is clean and spacious but Tzuyu can't quite shake the wrongness of it all, it's as if she has too many limbs with odd joints that she can't control and she fills the space like a tree.

But that is not exactly what is wrong about it. It's not her and it's not Jihyo, it's not even the environment, it's the people outside. The ones who force them into cubicles and fake friendships.

"You're shaking," Jihyo whispers and Tzuyu wants to turn away. She feels exhausted, like she has studied overnight for an exam only to fail it. Jihyo takes a step closer and the air around them is switched on just like that. Tzuyu feels the scale moving up and down from joy to desperation, and she grasps the hem of Jihyo's yellow sweater. She wrings the fabric as Jihyo's breath tingles on her jaw and neck, making it hard not to kiss her.

"Babe," Jihyo breathes and brings her hands to Tzuyu's face and starts drawing lines with her thumbs. Tzuyu closes her eyes and tries not to add meanings to things (the last time, the worst one) but it's impossible. The world outside the bathroom hasn't disappeared.

"You promised not to cry," Jihyo adds and Tzuyu opens her eyes only to see tears streaming down Jihyo's soft face.

"So did you."

Jihyo's hands slip to the back of her neck and they push together. Tzuyu can't tell who is crying harder as the kiss is desperate and everywhere. She wishes Jihyo could devour her completely and take her with her.

The pain doesn't lessen even as they fall deeper into the kiss and Tzuyu's mind is clouded with nightmare scenarios about the future. In all of them, they separate for eternity and that's how far she gets in her imagination. The darkness that comes after Jihyo is gone is so thick that she can't see anything beyond it.

Jihyo breaks the kiss and begins to trail kisses down Tzuyu's neck, tucking at the collar of her jacket as it tries to block the access to more skin. The kisses are harder than Jihyo's usual style and it scares her just a little, it's too new and she is too vulnerable.

Footsteps echo in the bathroom and Tzuyu hears two women talking in Chinese. She opens her eyes and squeezes Jihyo's shoulders but the older girl continues to press kisses on her neck as if possessed. Only when a cubicle door shuts loudly in the tiled space does Jihyo break free from her haze.

"Sorry," she mumbles and presses her face into the crook of Tzuyu's neck. Jihyo begins to shake as Tzuyu's skin dampens from her tears. They rock back and forth, while the toilet is flushed and hands are being washed. Tzuyu wants to bark at them, to fling toilet paper at them and chase them out of the bathroom but instead she holds on to Jihyo and suffers silently, just like she always does.

"What if we never see each other again?" she wants to ask. "When's the next time we have enough money to buy a plane ticket? What if we grow apart? Will you get tired of skyping me every night? Will you still remember what it feels like to hold my hand when you haven't seen me in months? What if our parents find out? What if you stop loving me?"

She keeps quiet. They've talked about it all, while lying in each other’s arms in the security of the night and a shared blanket. They felt so powerful then, just a couple of days ago. They decided: they would go through it all again, because not going through it all would hurt a million times more.

Now she isn't so sure.

"I love you," Jihyo whispers and Tzuyu's tears stop falling for a moment. She wants to say it back, but there are too many swallowed emotions going down . She can hardly breathe.

Jihyo pulls away and turns around so quickly that Tzuyu can't see her face. She takes some toilet paper and blows her nose, while Tzuyu tries to wipe her own eyes with the back of her hand. She must look away from the other girl to stop the tears from pouring.

"Do you need some powder?" Jihyo mumbles and rummages through her bag. Tzuyu shakes her head and waits for Jihyo to get ready, while the distance grows and grows. It would be easier if Jihyo walked away now and left her in the cubicle alone. She could collect the pieces of herself in peace and go home, but even as the idea comes to her mind, she knows that it won't ever happen.

When Jihyo has checked herself in the mirror and fixed her make-up, she puts the mirror away and just stands there. For a moment, Tzuyu let's go of trying to put up walls around herself and she stares at the back of her girlfriend, her shiny brown hair, her yellow sweater, her tiny figure. Already, all of it is out of her reach.

The bathroom has gone quiet.

"Ready?" Jihyo asks and turns around so that they look at each other, straight in the eye.

Tzuyu nods and they look away, stepping out of the cubicle with vacant eyes and worn out faces.

-

Tzuyu feels like the whole world is watching them. Somehow, they all must know and disapprove of them, while a sinister, watchful part of her agrees with them.

Jihyo is walking a step and a half behind her, just to the left. Her bag looks heavier than before even as the contents haven't changed. Some of Jihyo's warmth is gone, she realizes. The eagerness to help and her gentle disposition are still there, but it's all too guarded. Most of her energy is being used for battling tears.

"Do you have your passport?" Tzuyu asks as a little joke - once Jihyo forgot hers and it's not in Tzuyu's nature to let her forget that.

"Yeah," Jihyo says, watching a screen above their heads. She had missed the teasing. She hadn't even listened.

They walk under the screen and pass by gift shops, when the end of the queue emerges ahead of them. Tzuyu bites her lip, dragging her whole weight with mere willpower.

"So..." she says as she halts suddenly, feeling Jihyo's hands on her hips as they collapse into each other.

Jihyo doesn't say anything, only looks straight ahead with wide-eyes.

"We really at this," Tzuyu whispers and wants Jihyo to talk to her, to do something other than just stand there like she's watching a car crash in slow motion. Is this how Jihyo feels with her? Always hitting a silent brick wall that she can't get through?

She wants to kneel and apologize for being so bad at communicating her thoughts and feelings but it's not the right time or the right place.

"I'll call you when I get home," Jihyo says and finally turns to look at her, with a shaking face. "You better answer," she adds as if Tzuyu wouldn't answer, as if Tzuyu wouldn't sit there all night and wait for that one call. She already sees herself there in the dark room, screaming into a wet pillow, but she won't tell Jihyo that.

Instead, she pulls her girlfriend in for one last hug and the view before her eyes glazes over. Jihyo smells of Jihyo, whatever that special mixture is and she breathes it in for a second or two. Jihyo's small hands rub her back briefly before they pull away and just like that the last embrace is in the past and Tzuyu panicks - why is she living in the past and the future when she should concentrate on the present? Jihyo still exists right in front of her!

"Bye, Tzuyu," Jihyo says and squeezes her hand. Words, places and memories are reflected in her eyes that only Tzuyu can see. It feels more like losing a girlfriend, it feels like losing parts of herself and the whole world.

"Bye," Tzuyu croaks, wondering if Jihyo will walk away with her voice, too. Maybe she won't ever talk again. And why would she talk to anyone else anyway? With Jihyo gone...

They let go of each other’s hands. Strangely, the universe doesn't flinch.

Tzuyu watches until Jihyo has reached the end of the queue and wishes she would look back, but she doesn't. Jihyo's shoulders are set in a strange way, she looks stiff and distant. And she is so small with her bag and big sweater. Has she always been that small? Tzuyu wants to run to her and protect her from faceless dangers, not knowing why. She has never needed protection, why would she now?

The queue moves forward and Jihyo with it. It's slow and fast at the same time and a part of her wants it to stop forever and another part of her wishes it would be over already.

Look at me.

When Jihyo turns towards the bag screening, Tzuyu is certain that she will finally look back, but the queue has grown and a pair of tall men block the view, ruining the last opportunity.

Bewildered, Tzuyu looks around, certain that everyone is watching her, watching Jihyo. But nobody even glances at her or knows what has just happened.

Somehow, it feels worse.

-

For fifteen minutes, she battles herself. Should she stay at the aiport and wait for the flight to take off or should she just go home since she can't be with Jihyo anyway? The first option feels ridiculous, something stupid people in love (like she) would do. However, the second option seems like a betrayal in some illogical way that she can't explain to herself.

In the end, she leaves, tearing herself away with every step. The space by her side is cold and when the doors open to let her outside, the wind pushes her roughly so that she has to regain her footing.

She wants to run back, but doesn't.

As she waits for the bus to take her home, she remembers that she didn't tell Jihyo that she loves her. Guilt rises like bile in but she reminds herself that Jihyo didn't look back either. Maybe she didn't look back because she didn't tell her she loves her? Or maybe she was eager to get rid of her?

She blinks. Jihyo is not there to smile at her and tell her she is being silly like it's a compliment or a secret only the two of them share. So, she tells herself she is being silly.

  - I love you, too - she types.

When she pays for her ticket, the bus driver doesn't remark on the tears streaming down her face.

Departures, he thinks and drives to the next terminal, wondering who was the boy that left the pretty girl on the window seat so heartbroken.

A/N: Don't try this at home, kids! Anyway, sorry this took about two decades and it wasn't the Jitzu story I had planned. My life is a mess so... yeah. Love ya all! ♥