pairing: Jihyo x Nayeon x Jeongyeon

summary: One Friday night, six months after a debut that never came to be.

note: for Serine <3

I. Roots

Jihyo pushed at breaks a little too hard and when the car jolted, she bit down on her lip, tasting lip balm. The red light glared at her and she glared back - she had gotten reds five times in a row and hardly saw any greens when she was already speeding at the first hint of yellow. At least, the city was nearly empty by its own standards, with few clumsy drivers blocking her way.

Someone could get hurt, a voice in her head said and she remembered instances where she had almost gotten into an accident, even when she had been driving with less speed and aggression.

She let her foot relax on the pedal and the car slowed down.

At the next red light, she took a deep breath and looked around, noting the other cars and few pedestrians crossing the street. Even as she tried to be alert, she couldn't help but glance at the mirror and turn her attention to the scene in the back seat.

Jeongyeon sat in the middle, looking too big for the tight space as Nayeon had leaned in from the window seat and somehow managed to nearly sit in the other girl's lap. Nayeon's face was buried into the crook of Jeongyeon's neck and Jihyo could almost hear her drunken mumbling and feel the sloppy lips on her own skin.

Jeongyeon's eyes were hooded - only a couple of minutes ago she had tried to push Nayeon away but now she was silently taking it all in. Jihyo felt a little sorry for her as the member of their trio who always had to give in between the driving forces of her and Nayeon. On the other hand, she envied Jeongyeon for her ability of letting go. Unlike herself, Jeongyeon knew how to relax.

Her grip on the wheel tightened as she pushed the pedal down.

She was tired. Even as she tried to hold on to anger it was slowly fading away and revealing the bone of her exhaustion. The more tired she got, the harder she snapped and yet it was the only thing that kept her going during days without meaning.

She glanced at the mirror again and this time her gaze met with Jeongyeon's.

She could see in the other girl's eyes all she felt, but unlike her, Jeongyeon had been defeated. She wasn't fighting anymore. She had moved on to acceptance, which was probably the wise thing to do, but Jihyo had little wisdom left in her broken heart. The knowledge she had collected during her short life hadn't amounted to much when she had needed it the most.

She turned her attention back to the road.

When was the last weekend she hadn’t been picking up Nayeon from some dingy bar or a club? During the summer? Suddenly she and Jeongyeon had turned into full-time babysitters of a demanding 24-year-old with an alcohol problem. And the worst part of it was that she knew deep down Nayeon didn't even care about partying that much, it was just a means to an end.

"Do you still want to order that pizza?" Jeongyeon said and Jihyo drew comfort from hearing her no-nonsense voice. It always managed to ground her even when the world was spinning around her.

"Sure, why not," she said with a sigh and changed gear. They would be at her place soon and it wouldn't hurt to eat some comfort food. If one thing had changed for the better, it was certainly the end of constant dieting and scrutiny.

"I want Hawaiian," Nayeon announced and tried to sit up straight while Jeongyeon was busy on the phone. Jihyo glanced through the mirror and watched as her unnie looked outside, streetlights making shapes and shadows on her flawless face. The image made her frown - it was not from a movie, it was real life, but somehow it felt surreal. The whole night around them felt shallow yet endless. Maybe it was all just a dream, not a bad one, not a good one, just a dream.

One thing still felt real: she would drive to the edge of the world for Nayeon. Whether she was drunk or sober, heartbroken or happy. Sometimes it was just hard to admit it to herself and even harder telling it to Nayeon. Yet, she hoped the older girl knew it.

When a familiar parking lot came into a view, her grip on the wheel relaxed and when she stepped outside to feel the cool night air, she felt almost calm. She began to the ascend upstairs, walking ahead as the older girls followed, with Jeongyeon supporting the side-stepping party girl.

The building’s elevator had broken about a week ago, but for the moment she didn't mind. It would've been awkward in the small box with the three of them, because Nayeon could say or do almost anything while drunk. Jihyo could list several absurd situations where Nayeon always managed to hit the nerve that was already aching. It was as if she was a social vampire, smelling blood and not being able to help herself.

Finally, after what felt like days, she turned the key on the lock and pushed the door open to the darkness that she called home. Despite all the hassle and grievances, she was glad that she wouldn't have to spend the night alone now that she was staring at the emptiness face to face.

"I think this one's ready for bed," Jeongyeon said as she met her at the door with a humming Nayeon leaning by her side. The light above the door shined on the red marks on Jeongyeon's neck like the lipstick marks had been given by at least ten people and not one Im Nayeon.

"Mm," Jihyo agreed and closed the door behind the girls. Nayeon fell silent as she struggled to get out of her strappy shoes and Jihyo had to kneel to help her - she couldn't watch the struggle and just wait. Where had she lost her patience?

"Can you open the door when the delivery comes?" Jihyo said and glanced at Jeongyeon to make sure she understood, before standing up and taking hold of Nayeon's arm. Jeongyeon nodded and looked a little lost in the foyer as Jihyo lead Nayeon to the bedroom.

The room was colder, as Jihyo kept the curtains drawn during the hot days, and it made Nayeon shiver so much that even Jihyo could feel it as a vibration between their bodies. Nayeon was already coming down from her happiness and looked bleary as the light from the bedside table nearly pierced her through her thin middle.

"Take off the dress," Jihyo said and turned to go through her closet. She picked a large t-shirt that was the first to emerge from a pile of so many forgotten shirts that she wondered if she should go through them soon. Or maybe they could wait another six months, the time stopped inside the closet anyway.

As she turned back Nayeon was still standing in the middle of the room with her dress on, eyes closed and swaying.

"C'mon," Jihyo said softly and placed the shirt on the bed. Nayeon opened her eyes and glanced at Jihyo sharply, as if she had sobered up during the distance between the front door and the bedroom.

"Take me away," Nayeon whispered as Jihyo pulled the dress over her head. Seeing her in her underwear made Jihyo’s chest tighten - who had Nayeon been with? Had the guys left her alone? Had they touched her?

She hated them, all of them. The nice ones and the s. They didn’t know who Nayeon was and they would never know.

"Where?" She asked and helped Nayeon out of her bra before slipping the shirt on her. The raven-haired beauty was so tiny and fragile, even the haze of the alcohol could not mask what only she and Jeongyeon could see.

"Anywhere," she whispered and when Jihyo looked up, surprised, she could see tears in Nayeon's eyes.

Frowning, but without a word, she helped the older girl into the bed and made sure she was covered properly and comfortable. Nayeon was already slipping away from reality and Jihyo watched her face as the sleep smoothed all expressions of grief.

Jihyo kissed Nayeon on the cheek and left the room, wiping her own tears at the threshold.

II. Log

Jeongyeon had left the living room to discard the pizza boxes. She didn't like them laying there and now that she wasn't hungry anymore, she didn't like the greasy smell either. It was funny - thirty minutes ago she had hardly managed to pay the pizza guy because she was so eager to just eat but now she felt rather guilty for eating so much. Something she had learned during her trainee days.

A pile of bowls, plates and mugs covered the sink and the surface around it, making her stop in her tracks. She put the pizza boxes on the table and the small light on top of the sink, blinking at the intensity of the bright light. She could almost see Jihyo placing the dishes one at a time, each after another late night at work or studying. It was funny how the girl's exhaustion was much more evident in the messy kitchen than on her face. Youth kept hiding the extension of her worries.

She ran the water as hot as possible, watching as it covered everything and how the bubbles rise to the top cheerfully like butterflies. Most of the plates were from days ago and hadn't been pre-washed. She began to scrub hard, letting the dirt melt away with her thoughts.

Scenes from the earlier night flashed in her head - Jihyo calling her just as she was about to go to bed ("she's at it again. I'm picking her up"), Jihyo slamming the car door before walking to the club, Nayeon at a corner with a man on her arm and two others watching her (ing vultures, she had thought), Nayeon's drunk laugh, the embroidery of Nayeon's dress itching against her skin, the air and the silence after the club, Jihyo stomping, the kisses on her neck, the kisses...

A stain on a knife was laughing at her face and she pressed the sponge on the metal, shoulders tensing from the effort. What the hell had Jihyo eaten? How could she get the things so dirty? Jeongyeon knew Jihyo ate the cheapest takeaway, hardly needing anything but cheap chopsticks. Had she bought groceries and cooked?

"I can hear you frown," Jihyo said, coming into the kitchen and interrupting Jeongyeon's thoughts.

"You're the one who's been frowning today," she muttered, relaxing a little as the knife was finally coming clean.

"Don't change the subject."

"Don't make this about me," Jeongyeon said. Jihyo's arms came to wrap around her abdomen, slowly, gently, as if to not startle her. She tensed. Jihyo's petite body pressed against her back. Jeongyeon's shoulders might have just blown up from the tension, but she took a particularly dirty bowl instead and hold it with whitening knuckles.

Jihyo bit her on the bare shoulder, but not hard enough to leave a mark. Jeongyeon shivered, her shoulders loosening just a little and her hands stilling in the hot water. She realized how red her hands had gotten, red like Jihyo's mouth.

Jihyo's bites had started as a joke, but then they had stayed and became something familiar. It was her way of saying hi in their relationship, making sure her presence was noted. Jihyo and Nayeon were like that, you had to pay attention to them or they'd make you.

"You didn't have to do that," Jihyo whispered, placing her chin on Jeongyeon's shoulder. Jeongyeon took a deep breath, conscious of how little space Jihyo's firm embrace gave for her lungs to expand.

"I know," Jeongyeon muttered, using the shortest possible option she could say. What was the point of telling Jihyo that it was the smallest thing she could do? She wanted to help, she needed to help and because talking wasn't something she had mastered, she did things instead.

Maybe it was useless, but she had to try.

They fell silent, adjusting to their positions - Jihyo melted against her back and they became one. Jeongyeon relaxed fully as she knew that nothing new or unexpected would come now. Jihyo had calmed down from earlier, everything was fine again. Nayeon was sleeping, Jihyo was here with her, the dishes and the hot water right in front of her, the clock ticking slowly forward like a crouching tiger in the night.

"Just worried about Nayeon," she confessed eventually, releasing the thought from deep in her chest.

And I'm worried about you, she wanted to add, but didn't. They were much better at talking about all things Nayeon rather than all things Jihyo and Jeongyeon.

"Me too," Jihyo said, her voice low and wistful. "I've been thinking if she should move in with me. I could keep an eye on her," Jihyo murmured and Jeongyeon was forced to turn her face to look at her.

"Not a good idea," she said and pictured the two girls fighting with each other about what Nayeon should or shouldn't do. They could hardly avoid the fights when they didn't live together, how could they do it while living together?

"She'll drive you crazy.”

"Any better ideas? I can't just stand by while she destroys herself," Jihyo said.

"And you haven't, Jihyo," she said. The way Jihyo talked erased Jeongyeon's part in the situation, but she knew that it wasn't because Jihyo didn't think much of her, but because Jihyo always thought that everything was her fault and so she should be the one fixing it all.

They went quiet again, both thinking about Nayeon in their own heads. Sometimes they joked that they were like Nayeon’s parents, but it wasn’t exactly right. They loved her in a way that wasn’t parental, there was passion in it and sometimes it made it hard for them to do the right thing. Their minds could get clouded by love, but that’s why they had each other to rely on.

"We'll figure something out," Jeongyeon said as she finally finished with the dishes and let the water disappear from the sink, somewhere down below. She turned around and watched the shadows in Jihyo's eyes shifting and changing. Lifting a hand, she brushed the younger girl's cheek gently before sliding it into her hair. When the shadows in Jihyo's eyes lightened, she murmured: "but maybe not tonight" before pressing a kiss on the crown of her head, letting their feelings for each other comfort them both.

III. Leaves

Nayeon woke up to an ache. Even in the dark the pain created lights in her hammering brain, so that she could almost feel the pulsing dots in her bone-dry mouth, as if she had tried to battle a sand storm with nothing but swear words.

Much later, she managed to pass through the wall of senses and remember who she was. The knowledge always came with a frown and something hollow, making her stomach tighten. She pressed her hand on the skin just below her neck and she rubbed it, trying to comfort herself.

She tried to remember what had happened, but the images in her head were like a dream that had already escaped her. Maybe it was better not to remember, she thought and turned to her side, feeling the sheets sigh with her movements. They smelled faintly of Jihyo and she couldn't resist burying her face in the pillowcase and breathing her scent in.

Her headache lessened, but even the traces of Jihyo didn't change the fact that she would give a limb for a glass of water.

She threw the covers to the other side of the bed and breathed in, before taking a leap of faith from the mattress and landing on the floor, nausea making it hard for her to breathe. She swayed momentarily before she moved again, trying to be as fast as possible as not to lose momentum.

She burst through the door and didn't have the time to note the sounds from the tv or the lights coming from the living room. She was fighting the wave growing inside of herself so fiercely that she nearly pulled the door knob off with her hand. It hadn't been properly screwed in - just like so many other things in Jihyo's cheap place where the landlord was always coming to fix the things "soon."

Nayeon kneeled next to the toilet seat and pressed hands on her temples. Breathing in and out the nausea lessened. She hated throwing up, especially if she was at Jihyo's. It made it more shameful and vile somehow. As if she was ruining something holy like their relationship.

Once the nausea had died down to something manageable she got up and looked at herself in the mirror. It was hilarious how messy she looked, with make-up falling into every crack and corner of her face, her hair sturdy as a bird nest, eyes red and larger than they ought to be.

She washed her face and drank water straight from the tap, not minding the slightly metallic aftertaste. From behind the mirror she found the toothbrush Jihyo had bought for her - it was a pink Hello Kitty one. It reminded her of simpler times when things had still been ahead of her and not behind her as a bright future that would never came to be.

Once she had finished her routine she started to feel like a human being again. She didn't feel the pores of her face screaming at her anymore, which felt like an achievement. If only she could clean up the memories as easily as the mask on her face, but nothing real was ever that easy.

She left the bathroom and this time she didn't pass by the living room without looking in. The tv was still on, with a nature documentary showing familiar scenes of some primates Nayeon couldn't name. She liked the little furred humanoids and their intensity with each other.

She let the monkeys be and turned to look at the couch and its contents from the doorway. Jihyo was sitting upright with her eyes barely open. Her eyelids looked so heavy as if they had been left open midway through the opening process because the strength gave away. On her chest was lying a head with messy blonde hair. Jeongyeon was fast asleep, cuddled closely to the other girl.

Should she leave them be? They looked like they didn't need her there to break the peaceful atmosphere with her chit-chatting. But if she left them there it would mean going back to bed alone and then trying to sleep with the guilt of having the bed to herself. Besides, Jeongyeon might be comfortable but Jihyo would have a sore neck the next day if she kept the position.

"Come to bed," she said, wrapping arms around herself.

Jihyo's head turned sharply and her eyes turned wide open. If she hadn't been so tired she might have jumped, but now the reaction was so weak that it didn't even wake up Jeongyeon.

"How long have you been there?" Jihyo asked and began shaking Jeongyeon's shoulders gently.

"Not long."

"Hey, sleepyhead," Jihyo muttered and finally Jeongyeon stirred, only to hold on to Jihyo tighter. It was like Jihyo was the sleep Jeongyeon still tried to cling on to and Nayeon found it rather child-like and adorable. You wouldn't catch the girl acting so vulnerable in her normal state.

"You can do that in the bed," Nayeon said and grinned a little as Jihyo shoot her with a glare. Finally, Jeongyeon stood up and began to slouch towards the bedroom. Nayeon followed her, leaving the lights on for Jihyo.

In the bedroom, Jeongyeon discarded her jeans and jumper by placing them neatly on the floor. Then she jumped in the bed and when Nayeon joined her the taller girl clung to her this time.

"Your hair smells of smoke," Jeongyeon muttered in a half discernible way. Nayeon let a witty remark pass through her mind without saying it out loud and soon enough Jeongyeon was asleep again, with her cheek on Nayeon's shoulder.

Nayeon waited, while Jeongyeon's hair and enjoying the closeness. Her head still hurt, and the nausea would be back in the morning, but oddly it didn't feel like she had been out during the night. If she concentrated enough, she could picture a peaceful evening at Jihyo's with all three of them having a good time and enjoying each other's company.

Jihyo's silhouette appeared on the doorway, before the light was switched off and the darkness settled in the room. Nayeon stopped Jeongyeon's hair, as if the movement would make too much sound and bother Jihyo. Nayeon already felt like her mere presence in the bed must have been too much for Jihyo after what had been going on lately.

The mattress dipped and Jihyo slipped under the covers, only a breath apart from Nayeon.

"Jihyo-"

"I’ll take you anywhere, you know that? Or you can take my car if you want to go alone," Jihyo said, like she had been preparing the conversation in her head all night long.

"Why would I want to go-,” Nayeon protested, feeling tightness in her chest and confusion in her head.

"I just want you to be happy again."

Nayeon's heart stopped for a moment, before starting again with double the previous speed. Earlier she had delighted in the darkness because it soothed her headache, but now she cursed it for not being able to see. She could just make out the line of Jihyo's face and the curve of her hip under the blanket, but it wasn't nearly enough for close inspection.

"The thing is..." Jihyo began, this time more quietly. "You can try to push me and Jeongyeon away, but we aren’t going anywhere."

Nayeon shut her eyes tightly, feeling the whole length of Jeongyeon's body so warm against her own. The girl was sleeping soundly, unaware of the onslaught of honesty that Jihyo was attacking her with.

"I'm not... I just..."

"It's okay," Jihyo whispered and shifted closer to Nayeon. "We are all going to be okay."

Jihyo closed the gap and kissed Nayeon, as if she was sealing the promise with the kiss.

Later, Nayeon fell asleep with both girls on either side and even as it was a little too hot in the middle, she couldn't have been more comfortable or safe. She was carried away by the sound of Jihyo's reassurance playing in her head and guiding her way.

IV. Tree

"Come see this," Jeongyeon's voice drifted from the living room as an answer to Jihyo's “I’m home” -greeting. Jihyo let her shoulders relax and dropped her keys on the table in the foyer, feeling immediately lighter like the keys had weighed a ton. Work had been hectic all week and the coming weekend felt like a royal holiday. When was the last time she had felt so relieved?

"There's Momo," Nayeon said as Jihyo came into the living room. The older girls were sitting on the couch, their eyes staring straight ahead at the tv screen like it was trying to pull in their souls. Jihyo turned to look in the same direction, hands clasped together behind her back, trying to relieve some of the last tension in her body.

In the tv, a group of girls was dancing in edgy black and red clothes. They were very pretty but missing the direction of the camera often and looking a little awkward. Jihyo knew all about these things and could instantly tell the amount of practice that had gone into the choreography but also what she would have done differently if she had been given the chance… She could also recognize many familiar faces that seemed to have transformed into something more perfect: idols. Tzuyu was there, Mina, Sana...

"I didn't know they debuted yet," Jihyo said, clearing as the voice was coming out too faint. Her words were a simple lie. Of course, she knew. She hadn't spent twelve years at a company like JYP Entertainment and then get completely kicked out of the gossip loop. She knew people, she knew things. She always would, whether she liked it or not.

"Momo always worked hard," she continued, not sure if anyone had answered her previous comment. It was surreal watching the girls, especially the younger ones like Somi who had grown so much since the last time she had seen her. She tried not to think about the teary goodbyes and the bitterness that was nobody’s fault but her own.

"So did we," Nayeon said, looking serious and suddenly standing in front of Jihyo. The older girl lifted her hands and touched Jihyo's face like she was afraid to break it. Jihyo felt the wetness on her cheeks as the fingertips wiped them away and only then she noticed they were her own tears.

"It's okay," Jeongyeon whispered, standing up from the couch and walking to stand next to Nayeon, her arms hanging loosely by her sides. It just made it harder to stop crying, as tears kept coming on their own accord, like they were flowing from a well under Jihyo's feet that was connected all the way to the past.

"We'll be okay," Nayeon said and took Jeongyeon by the arm and pulled her closer. The oldest gently guided them before they formed a small circle that enveloped them all in a warm cocoon of safety. Despite her tears, Jihyo nodded, believing it for the first time that they could get through it all, now that it was coming from someone else other than herself.

She knew that idol groups like Twice would come and go but she, Nayeon and Jeongyeon would never be broken. The other girls had been there when they all had dreamed big dreams, they had been there when their dreams came crashing down and they were still here, holding onto her and sharing her healing heart and desperate thoughts.

Jihyo kissed the girls and hold onto them for a long time while the music program ran to an end and another show began. Slowly the veil of tears lifted, revealing sunshine in parts of her mind that she had not seen in a while. She greeted it with a lighter heart and looked from Nayeon to Jeongyeon, loving them more than she had ever done before.

We will be okay.

A/N: I thought I would never write again, let alone update but here we are! This might not be that great but I am just happy to get something finished. Much love to Serine for waiting for this and Ethel for helping me out. Love you and all my friends who encourage me! <3