•••A/N : This chapter contains subject like self harm. Please be careful while you read.••• I lie on my bed wide awake. Sleep didn't come so easily last night. I feel so numb. I can't feel anything and truthfully I don't want to. I just want to disappear. Disappear from this world like I never existed at first place. Would my disapperance make any difference? I doubt it. I unwilling got up from my bed and dragged myself to the shower. I decided to go on a jog upto the convenience store because I ran out of cigarettes last night. I had already left smoking and only smoked when I was too much stressed out. Last night was definitely those stressed out time. Dad called. He called or approached me rarely. He talked about buisness and stuffs. He talked about how he expected me to work hard, get a degree and take over the buisness. The guilt instantly kicked in and I finished the whole packet. I wore my black hood, put on my old converse and plugged on my earphones. I locked the house. It is a small house, my dad bought for me. It is too big for me. Although it is well furnished and have all the stuffs. It still feels so empty to me. It is just a house to me, not a home. I started lightly jogging, to numb to run. I arrive at store. I grab a packet of cigarette, some juice, some packet of ramyun and went to the counter to pay for it. The middle aged woman looked at the stuff and back at me. She stared at me for few second and got back to her work."Are you even old enough to smoke?"she asked me. "yes. Do I have to show you my id?" I asked her back. She didn't replied and carried on with her work. I took it as a 'no'. I paid for them and got out of the store. My lips were getting dry. I really need to smoke. But not here. I starts to run back to my house. When I was almost there, i bumped into someone and my hood fell. I just hanged my head low and kept on running. I was definitely not in mood for some silly conversation. I reached my door and took out my keys from my pocket. My hands were shaking like shaking like crazy. I cursed trying to unlock the door. Finally i succeeded. I quickly got in, closed the door and sat on the floor. I took out a cigarette from the packet and lighter from my pocket. I took the cigarette in between my lips and lit it. I took a long drag and blowed the smoke. I hate the effect this thing has upon me. One drag and every muscle in my body starts to relax. My mind calms down. I'm not stupid. I know what smoking does to my body but i still choose to smoke. I guess it makes me crazy, rather than stupid. I smoked in silence. When the cigarette is about to end, i place it over the plastic bag and took off my hood. I took the cigarette again in my hand. I raised my left arm a bit. I brought the remaining part of cigarette near the skin of the lower part of my upper left arm. I could feel the heat coming from it. I took a long breath, closed my eyes. The source of heat came in contact with my skin. I furrowed my eyebrows due to the familiar pain. I took a look at my arm. One more reddish round burn to the collectin of burns. Some are scabbing. Some are left only with a scar. I threw the cigarette away, not caring once. I really didn't care if it burned the house down with me. I would be glad if that happened. My name is Min yoongi and i self harm. I do it to punish myself. It's my own way. I punish myself for not being strong enough to stand for myself. Not being strong enough to take my life and it's decisions on my hand. I punish myself for not being the ideal son, my parent expect me to be. I punish myself for decieving them. It help me to calm myself, to distract me from my other problems even if it is just for few minutes, even if it mean burning myself or cutting myself. I don't care. I'm not in a position to care. My parents were always busy with buisness. They were never there to watch me grow. I would always tell myself that they always cared for me. They were just busy. Things started too change. Mom and dad started to quarrel a lot. They would argue and argue all night. I just tried to distract myself from it but I couldn't. Next thing I knew I had cut my wrist with a kitchen knife when mom wasn't in the kitchen. The red coppery liquid mesmerized me. The colour contrast between the blood and my pale skin hypnotized me. I just stood there watching my blood mix with the water running down the tap.Miss Lee, one of the worker, noticed me, panicking and started to question me. I lied saying that I tried to cut an apple and the knife slipped out of my hand. I made her promise not to tell my parents. My parents never knew. That's where it all started. I started to cut and burn myself. But things between mom and dad never changed. It only made me feel more empty, made me feel that my life is messed up. It only worsened and eventually they decided to get divorced. I was asked to choose whom I want to stay with. That's when I took the first decision of my life. My high school graduation was only month away. So I decided that I'll stay with dad and when i got accepted by a college I'll move out and live alone. My decision shocked them. They yelled at me trying to convince me change my decision but I didn't. Eventually I graduated and got accepted by a college in Seoul. I moved here under the condition that dad will choose where I live. I tried to shake my thoughts away and lit another cigarette. Till the time it finished, I started feeling sleepy. Not wanting to waste the sleep I was getting after staying awake last night I quickly put out the cigarette and rolled over to sleep. When I woke up it was late afternoon. Again I decided to go on a walk to the park nearby. I locked my house and started walking. When I reached the park, children were running and screaming. I rubbed my forehead and start to search for a quite place. I sat down on a bench near by a basketball court and started to stretch my body, when my eyes were caught by a paper stuck on the net that surrounded the court. On looking closely I found that it was a advertisement of a helpline informing that their number had changed. What caught my attention was that it was a helpline for people who needed help, who were depressed. I couldn't help but let out a chuckle thinking who in their right mind will want to talk abou their problem to a stranger in phone. If talking would solve life's problems people will rather talk to their family and friend, instead of God knows who is in the other side of the phone. I just turned my head away from the paper, trying to focus on the calmness I feel at the moment without smoking or cutting or burning myself. •••(((A/N : Hey guys!!So here we have our main male character. What do you think abut this chapter?please leave a comment. I really want to know what you think of this story.)))•••