(Since it's been quite a while, I suggest rereading previous chapters first, just to transition into this one easier!)

"Okay, so what's it going to be?"

You knew Kihyun well... well enough to know you could take more time than he was giving you. He wanted an answer. There was no way he was going to walk away without getting one. So you had time to think. Thinking, though, was the hard part. It wasn't the pressure of answering that made it difficult to focus, so much was it the look on his face. His eyes looked too focused for comfort.

It took several blinks to realize you were supposed to be thinking.

Right.

And then you spoke without thinking.

"Kihyun, don't ruin this."

You realized then you really should have thought about that more.

Kihyun looked away in thought and back, his expression curious - confused. He scratched the bridge of his nose, cleared his throat, and furrowed his eyebrows. "Ruin... what exactly?"

"This," you said, attempting to not look as confused as you were. You evened your tone and nodded. So you're going with that. "This."

Kihyun scruffed his hair, giving you an exasperated look. "Yeah, I heard that, but what is this?"

You shrugged. Seeing Kihyun revert to his usual self alleviated the pressure. Not all of it, but enough for you to revert to your usual self. "You and me. As we are. Don't ruin it. We've made a lot of... progress."

"Is that what you're calling it?" Kihyun blurted, grimacing in painful disgust. "Therapists use that same term. It's vague. It's a shield. I don't like it. Use a different word."

You looked away at the wall and your body finally felt the ache of your long-held tensing. You really wondered how one moment could've had such a great effect on your body, and how long you would've felt this way afterwards. Kihyun was right. This was difficult. But it wasn't going to be solved with any kind of ultimatum. You shook your head and looked back at him. He was a thorn in your side for that. "Progress, I don't know. Look, I don't know what's been going on lately, but I can't give you an answer. I need time to think."

Kihyun sighed, half of the usual honest, shameless Kihyun there, half of another side of him you couldn't name but didn't like seeing. He shook his head as though attempting to shake that part of him away, to no success. Kihyun was weird, but this was strange. He threw a hand up in exasperation. "Well, how do I know you will? You're really difficult to understand, you know."

No, you were just careful. He'd have to learn that.

///

You knew either decision you made would be a stupid decision. Give in to Kihyun? Stupid. Go against your instincts? Stupid. All you really knew for sure was the fact that your body heat severely bypassed the season chill. You finally understood what every other girl felt. It was depressing to think about.

On the other hand, there was something else lingering around the corner of each thought that was more difficult to pin. Maybe the attraction came so late, because it came with another strange feeling. It was a good thing you were wedged up on Wonho and Shownu's sofa. It was easier to think here, not that it was easy to think at all.

"Any reason you're staring at the TV but not actually watching anything?"

You flinched and blinked your swimming vision away. "Christ, Shownu..."

"Yeah... I'm Minhyuk," Minhyuk said as he dropped down on the sofa next to you, and flipped on the TV. He glared at every channel he turned to and settled on the news. "Not much better, but it'll do," he said to himself.

Minhyuk. You looked at him. A smart guy. Too smart for your school, and undoubtedly the smartest person you knew. If there was anyone who knew what to do, it'd be Minhyuk. Right?

"The TV's finally on and now you're watching me," Minhyuk said in an exhale. "You're acting strange these days. That bad, huh."

You looked away from him, and at the TV. "Nothing is bad," you said casually.

Minhyuk flipped to another channel. He flipped to another just as quickly. "You're smart enough to know attraction to Kihyun is. It's not exactly good. I'm surprised he hasn't called you out on it, yet. It's against his morals to let an opportunity pass him by."

You frowned, attempted to think of some sort of denial, but figured it'd be counterproductive. It was a waste of time, really. Fine then. "That obvious?"

Minhyuk shrugged, and shut off the TV when he realized all of the shows made his brain hurt. "I don't usually see girls suppress it. You actually just might be the first. That part is new. Everything else isn't. You'll combust at this rate. Best to get it over with if you ask me."

He got up and took his coat from off the sofa arm. It was best just to leave while he could, to avoid hearing more than he could deduce.

You maintained an even expression, but Minhyuk saw the differences in it. It made him uncomfortable to see that, to imagine what that meant. You shook your head. "I wasn't going to."

"Well you should." Minhyuk looked at you, and there was an authority in his expression that made you feel inclined to listen carefully. You were an independent person, sure, but you felt seconds from drowning thinking on your own. Maybe you already were. Minhyuk caught that in your eyes, and shook his head. "Look at that. Seems like you heard exactly what you wanted to."

"I didn't want to hear anything."

He blew out a sigh as he walked out. "Right."

What a mess. He just hoped he didn't have to hear any more about this.

///

You hadn't drank so much in your life as you had living with Kihyun these past few months. It was dangerous for your kidneys. For your entire body actually. You severely underestimated everything, really, and it was difficult to come to grips with that.

You just didn't want to give your answer without at least a few drinks in you. A lot of pride would be lost tonight. It hurt just thinking about it.

The night was ripe, and you downed your second drink as quickly as the first, and that was your limit. You needed at least some control over yourself. After palming down your pay, you pulled yourself up and carried yourself back onto the street. It was difficult to imagine how the night would end. How you would say it. What you could preserve and what you couldn't help but lose. Your mind opened itself up little by little, and you had no strength to block out the bits you'd spent some time concealing.

Were you developing feelings for Kihyun? Could you help it?

Of course you could. You always could.

But maybe if you couldn't suppress your urges, you couldn't suppress your feelings, either. No, those were two separate things. Weren't they? Yo