LIFE CHANGER

 

Title [3/5]

I see this titles on tumblr sometimes, and there’s this one story I read entitled life changer, I’m not sure where though.

 

Foreword [4/5]

It’s nice to thank people on the foreword, but do add a few words. I mean, it actually didn’t reveal much of the story. Add a few words there that will be in the story, don’t be too relevant though.

 

Grammar & Spelling [15/20]

I’m docking five points here. Let me enumerate them one by one.

 First is your misuse of the pronoun “I”. I is a special pronoun, it should be capitalized no matter what.

Second, your present tenses. I noticed that all of your statements are present tense, when some of them are supposed to be past tense.

Third, your sentences sometimes sound too verbose. Verbose means too much words or information.

Fourth, the punctuation marks are wrongly used. Punctuation marks are used to indicate hints, Period: 3 seconds, Comma: 2 seconds etc. Use period to end a sentence, and use a comma when you need to stop reading for a while.

 

Plot [15/20]

I find your plot a bit cliché. I mean, there’s this girl that wasn’t want attention or some sort is a common character. A girl pretending to be a nerd is one of the most common characters I’ve read. 

 

Characterization [12/15]

Your characters didn’t really shine in to me. I see the potential of Mica’s character, but you’re not really showing it. Jungkook’s character is a bit off. I like V’s character though.

 

Flow [5/5]

The flow turns out to be natural. It wasn’t sloppy, and the story is more understood.

 

Writing Style [8/10]

I see potential in your writing, all you really need to do is show it. Don’t be afraid to pull off new ideas. Why not try a plot twist?

 

Readability [5/5]

The size, color and font chosen were readable. They were absolutely perfect!

 

Overall Enjoyment [13/15]

I actually enjoyed your story. It has this feeling that makes me think. You just need to explain it more without giving too much away.

 

Suggestions* [0/0] 

TITLE:

Titles? Why not try something like “Kookie and Tofu”, or “He who changed my life”? Try something new. Just try not making it to obvious, or don't try to make the title give away too much.

 

GRAMMAR:

For example: “The time has finally come and we finally inside the airport”. Instead of that, why not try: “The time had finally come, we’re inside the airport”. The way you made the sentence is too repetitive to my hearing.

“When we finally infornt of the passport inspector i took one last look to the country that gave me good and sad memories then headed inside.” – I’m not sure if this sentence is typo or not. Try replacing that sentence with this: “”When we’re finally in front of the passport inspector, I took one last look of the country that gave me sad and happy memories. I headed inside.”

“30 minutes have pass and we finally inside the airplane that will lead me to where i was born, South Korea. After 8-10 hours of flight we finally reached it , As i step out  from the airport and none of the surrounding looks familar to me. (Like duh.. Since I never visited South Korea right after I was born.”

I replaced the last sentence, since it sounded like a decoration rather than a part of the story to me.

Try making the numbers 10-above words. It looks more pleasant in that way.

Okay, that sentence is too verbose. Let’s try revising this: “Thirty minutes has passed when we’re finally inside the airplane that will fly me to where I was born, South Korea. After eight to ten hours of flight, we finally landed. I stepped out of the airport and intake the new surroundings.”

 “When i'm finally found the class i entered it and the class just went silent. As i went to the teacher's table there are stares following me when i finally reach it i gave my schedule to the teacher. The teacher look at me and said "Miss Mica welcome to St. John's Please introduce yourself?"”

Let’s revise it into this: “I’ve finally found my class and entered inside. The class went silent. I went to the teacher’s table and gave my schedule to the teacher when stares followed me. The teacher looked at me and said, “Miss Mica, welcome to St. John’s. Please introduce yourself.”

See, the “Please introduce yourself” part sounds more like an introduction rather than a question. So we’re changing that to a period.

“I look at them , bow and said

"Name is Choi Mica and I'll be your new classmate" In a monotone.”

This part doesn’t really make sense to me. Why not try this one instead?

“”My name is Choi Mica. I’m your new classmate.” I looked at the class and bowed, saying my introduction in a monotone voice.

 

““Then when i rose up there is this one person that caught my eye and it's the guy with a red dye hair.””

Let’s change this part too. It honestly doesn’t make sense either.

“I looked at my classmates; my eyes caught a sight of a guy with his hair dyed red.”

There, much better.

“As i search who might be that Jungkook but there are a lot of place with an empty seat beside them so i ask”

Why not try: “I searched the class who this Jungkook might be, but there are a lot of empty seats, so I have no choice but to ask.”

“"Jungkook please raise your hands so she can see you."

Then BAM!! It's that same person that caught my eye earlier. When i finally reach my seat this Jungkook guy lean towards my chair and said.

"Yo, name is Jeong Jungkook but call me Jungkook.Welcome to St. John's~ If you need any help just don't hesitate to ask me." with his dazzling smile.

but instead of reply to him , I din't.

"Okay.." He said as he slowly moves away from my chair and stared at the board

"This would be akward." he murmur”

Let’s try this one instead: “Jungkook, please raise your hand so she can see you.”

It turned out to be the person that caught my eyes. I went to my seat. Jungkook leaned in towards my chair.

“Yo~ the name’s Jungkook. Welcome to St. John’s~! If you need any help, don’t hesitate on asking me.” He said with a dazzling smile.

Instead of replying to him, I ignored him.

“Okay…” He said as he moves away from my chair and went to look at the board. “This would be awkward…” He murmured, audible enough for me to hear.

There, this is much better.

There were a few more sentences like that, but I just snipped out the sentences on chapter 1, other sentences like that can simply be fixed if you apply the same steps.

Capitalization, the one that should be on lower case is capitalized, and the one that should be in uppercase is not capitalized. Your uses of punctuation marks are also important. It indicates the seconds of how much time do a reader stops. Period: 3 seconds, comma: 2 seconds, etc. Use period when you’re ending a sentence, and use a comma if the reader needs to stop for a while. Sometimes the words that are used are wrong.

 

PLOT:

There’s a way to fix your plot. Add a few plot twists, and why not try a few flashbacks? Not too much, though.

 

CHARACTERIZATION:

Characterization is easy to fix. Mica’s character is too cliché. Let’s change it a bit. If Mica is a girl hiding her personality, try elaborating more of her nerdy deeds in school, like how she always gets first place. Try to make her cold in front of the boys in school. At home, try making her feel more comfortable. Jungkook’s character is a cheerful one, right? Try making him a little more… dazzling. He should be a bit nonchalant too. I don’t see any problems with V’s character, so we’ll just leave him the way he is.

 

Total: [80/100]

 

• REVIEWED BY: ZUTRAZELLE
• DRUGON MULTI SHOP