CHAPTER 12 HYUNG IN LOVE

Jinhwan’s been lying awake for quite some time now. He’s heard Donhyuk rustle with his clothes, listened to the muffled chatting of the other members from the kitchen, clanging of cups and bowls, then the slamming of doors which meant all of them leaving for practice.

It’s strange being in the dorm all alone, though not in a bad way – at least not now, when Jinhwan needs his space and time to think. He doesn’t feel like getting out of bed, and his sore throat, that seems to be even worse than before, isn’t the only reason.

- Uhh…- a deep strangled groan comes from the pile of blankets and pillows where Jinhwan burrowed himself and where he really wished he could stay for the rest of his life.

He can’t stop thinking about it - not for the lack of trying, god witness.

It’s Hanbin, of course.

Jinhwan pulls his blanket to cover his face that starts heating up the moment those uninvited thoughts come rushing back - but it’s too late. The memories of last night are too vivid in his mind: the hot touch of Hanbin’s fingers on his neck, his soju-sweet lips, his desperate, almost begging hyung please and Jinhwan’s chest tightens again, his heart running fast and feverish.

He rubs his eyes and struggles out of bed – staying there might just make it all worse and Jinhwan really shouldn’t be this hot and bothered so early in the morning. He doesn’t linger in the shower for long, but cool water running through his hair and along his skin helps him calm down a little. Jinhwan doesn’t want to risk his voice even more by running around the dorm with damp hair so he wraps himself in a big bath towel and finally makes his way to the kitchen for some warm milk with honey to soothe his throat – a thoughtful recommendation of their vocal coach.

The table is crowded with dirty dishes and cups, but it only makes Jinhwan chuckle – he knows too well which one belongs to which member. Yunhyeong’s “Prince Song” cup is the one he got as a gift from his fans (June uses it shamelessly when Yunhyeong isn’t home) and Chanwoo’s place is always full of chocolate wrappers - that kid should eat normal food for breakfast, seriously, they might need to have a talk about it later. Junhoe and Bobby are the ones who wake up starving and end up ravaging the fridge of any food, leaving their space in total chaos after they’re done, all the leftovers scattered around the table carelessly. Donhyuk is the only decent person among them who actually does his dishes right after he finishes eating – Jinhwan couldn’t find a better roommate even if he tried.

Hanbin’s cup, a very simple white one with their iKON logo on it, is apart from others on the counter and Jinhwan can imagine Hanbin dazing off, leaning over that counter like he usually does, deep in thought and still sleepy, his hair a complete mess.

It strikes Jinhwan then and there just how precious Hanbin is to him. It seems like he knows all there is to know about their leader – all his little habits, his strength or weakness. At least that’s what he used to think before…well, before Hanbin kissed him in the practice room for the first time. To say the least – Jinhwan freaked out. Back then it felt like everything turned upside down as Hanbin cupped his face into his hands and pressed his lips to Jinhwan’s own. It was probably the first time Jinhwan couldn’t comprehend what was happening and why, and since when and – for him back then it just didn’t make any sense. Days after, he struggled to find explanations of Hanbin’s actions, anything, hints, tipoffs, but before he knew it, everything was back to normal. At least on the surface, for inside Jinhwan’d been at a complete loss, trapped in dozens of unanswered questions. And when eventually he surrendered into thinking that it was just a mistake, a misunderstanding of some sort between them, Hanbin decided to do this whole confession thing, with his cheeks flushed and voice trembling and... What was Jinhwan supposed to think? To say? Now, when Hanbin made his insides twist with just a few words and his heart crave for that sheepish little smile of his? Did he really have to make Jinhwan fall for him this hard?

A whole week after Hanbin’s confession, Jinhwan couldn’t find it in himself to give him an answer. He’d drive himself to the edge with practice only to black out on his bed in the end of the day, because otherwise his mind would stress him sick with thoughts and fears.

There were reasons behind his silence. Some of them he shared with Bobby, others he couldn’t speak out loud. How can they possible be together when all eyes are on them, cameras following their every move? And if it becomes public, if they’re not cautious enough? What if they lose everything they’ve achieved because of one photograph, one article? And what if Hanbin changes his mind in time?..

To be completely honest, Jinhwan’s been worrying himself to pieces over every little thing that could go wrong and it was exhausting.

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He’s dazing off on the couch, empty cup in his hands, when there’s a knock on the door that makes Jinhwan flinch, - Hyung? – it’s Hanbin who peeks into the room, looking slightly more nervous for it to go unnoticed, - Can we talk?

It’s probably lunch time already and B.I slipped from the studio to check on him. Jinhwan’s heart jumps, as he brings himself to his feet, leaving his cup on the couch, expression as agitated as Hanbin’s own.

Oh how he wants to run away.

- Yes? – Jinhwan’s voice comes weak and hoarse, more of a question.

- About yesterday-

Here it comes – the thought is dreadful, really. He’s not ready for this, not yet, not ever. The way Hanbin closes the door behind him doesn’t make it any easier.