Hyukjae and Donghae quietly arrived at their apartment.

Donghae had just… accidentally told Hyukjae's family that they were a couple, while they were having dinner at his parents’ house. They didn't take it badly, in view of the fact that Donghae was considered one of the family, after the initial shock, they assured Hyukjae that everything was fine. 

It was an awkward few minutes before it was time to leave, but that wasn't the problem. Hyukjae wasn't ready for that moment, he still felt his heart pounding from everything he could have gone through. And he didn't feel too eloquent to express his emotions. Donghae, on the other hand, looked quite calm, even happy. And Hyukjae was starting to be irritated by it.

"We did well there, didn't we?" suddenly said Donghae, when they both arrived in the room.

"Uh... yeah, I guess."

"I guess?" Hyukjae lifted his shoulders, faking a smile. "Aren't you happy? Come on, cheer up!" He was trying to cheer him up. Hyukjae only felt worse every minute that passed. 

"Not now, Hae."

"Are you upset because I told them? It was an accident."

"I know it was an accident."

Hyukjae ran his hands over his head. Donghae was trying his patience. He really wished he would stay silent. 

"But they were really nice, isn't that great?"

Hyukjae shook his head. He should have asked him expressly. Don't talk anymore. 

"What if they hadn't been? What if they had kicked us out of the house, what if they had yelled at us? Didn't you think of that?" Donghae looked at him in surprise. Hyukjae never raised his voice like that. "It was a moment I was saving for a reason. But I guess it doesn't matter. You always save yourself from the consequences anyways."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not careful, Donghae, because you do something wrong and everyone forgives you. Even me, always."

"Wait, you think I'm not careful? I've been keeping this a secret for years. For years, Hyukjae, with everyone, when, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have to hide."

"Well, I'm sorry for stopping you. Go tell everyone."

Donghae clicked his tongue.

"That's not what I meant, what is it with you today? I get that you're angry, but you told me that I'm irresponsible with our relationship when you know that's not true. It was an honest mistake, and everything turned out fine in the end, didn’t it?"

"That's what bothers me! As long as the outcome was positive, you don't care about the rest. You don't care about what I felt."

"How can you say that?"

"You've been saying how happy you are that we were accepted as if that solves everything. I don’t care. You haven't even told me you're sorry."

"Of course I'm sorry! I never meant to say what I said." Donghae walked a few steps to stand in front of his boyfriend. "But I really think you should focus on the positive side of this."

"God, Donghae, I can't!"

"Why not!"

“Because I'm scared! I was scared.” Hyukjae quickly wiped away the tear that fell on his cheek. Donghae looked at him, not knowing what to do. Hyukjae waited for a few seconds, Donghae didn't say or do anything. He massaged his temple. "I'm leaving."

"Hyuk..."

"Please stop talking." Donghae felt his heart drop to the floor. "We'll talk tomorrow."

Hyukjae headed for the front door. Donghae slowly followed him until he saw him disappear behind the door. He wanted to remind him to wear a scarf, but his mouth didn't move. From one moment to the next, he was alone. The silence was more annoying than he remembered.
 

 

Hyukjae walked down the stairs, hoping not to meet anyone there. He couldn't stop bitter tears from falling down his cheeks. 

Donghae had never invalidated his feelings, he knew, but at that moment he did feel misunderstood. He expected affection, words of encouragement and understanding from his boyfriend. But Donghae's words only made him feel that his internal struggle was silly. The last thing he wanted to hear was "See, I told you it was no big deal." 

Hyukjae had felt his blood turn icy cold when Donghae casually mentioned him as his boyfriend. In fact, he didn't realize until several seconds later, he thought he had imagined it. And when reality hit him, when everyone stood silently, staring at him, a thousand scenarios flashed through his mind. He sobbed. Just imagining the look of confusion on his parents' faces made him want to cry. Even though it was true that his family took it very well, the heavy feeling in his chest would not go away. He still felt the panic coursing through him and didn't know how to calm down. 

To tell the truth, he hoped that when he got home Donghae would shower him with kisses and hugs. God, that was all he wanted, but Donghae didn't seem to be paying attention to it. Maybe he was too focused on his mistake, or he was so relieved that he didn't see what on another occasion would seem obvious to him: how much Hyukjae needed him at that moment. 

He reached the parking lot and dried his tears before heading to his car quickly, as the cold only made him feel worse. Once inside, he hugged his legs and stayed there for a few moments. He never thought to feel disappointed in Donghae's behavior, and at the same time his words kept repeating themselves in his mind, so many times that he no longer knew if he was right or wrong. Was he actually overreacting? Was he acting childishly? He had no idea anymore. 

He wiped away his tears again.

Where do I go now? 

He didn't want to see his parents, of course. He didn't want to bother his friends. He felt lonely. 

He checked his phone just in case Donghae had decided to send him a message. 

Nothing. 

Great. He sighed deeply and decided to go to a nearby hotel.

 

Donghae was hanging around the apartment. He didn't want to go to sleep, he made sure to leave the house completely clean, tidy the drawers, and clean the bathroom. 

It was in the shower that his thoughts began to flow and he came to the conclusion that he was an idiot. Hyukjae said it: he was scared. , he was probably terrified. Donghae was so preoccupied with the events that he didn't realize how important that moment in Hyukjae's life was. It was one of the rare moments when his boyfriend was vulnerable. He needed containment,  he needed release from the fears he had because they were still there. Donghae grunted. He would no longer have the chance to hold Hyukjae and listen to him, the moment had passed. And he was so angry at himself.

Once in bed, his hair dry, he decided to send a message to Hyukjae. It was two in the morning.

Hyuk.

Can you come back so we can talk?

He wasn't sleepy at all. He needed to sort things out. 

Tomorrow, Donghae. 

Donghae kicked his feet under the covers. He took a deep breath. It was for the best, Hyukjae could release his anger and Donghar could think things through before he spoke. He repeated this to himself until he could calm down. His phone vibrated once more.

I'll be back early.

Donghae let out a sigh of relief. 

 

The next day, Hyukjae entered the apartment and almost smiled when he saw his boyfriend standing in the living room, waiting for him, hands clasped in front of his body and a sad look on his face. 

"Hi."

Donghae walked over with the intention of hugging him, but stopped a few moments before.

"Hi." Hyukjae stretched out his arms. Donghae hugged him gently. "Hyukjae, I'm so sorry. I didn't understand why you were so angry, I didn't pay attention. I didn't see how scared you were even when you told me. I'm sorry I was careless about something so important..." Donghae cleared his throat. He didn't want to cry. "And I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you last night. Emotionally. I focused too much on myself." Hyukjae smiled this time. He rested his head on his boyfriend's. Donghae snuggled against him and tried to control his expression before they parted. Donghae took Hyukjae's hands. "Say something," he murmured.

Hyukjae sighed.

"I'm sorry for leaving last night and not talking things out."

Donghae shook his head.

"We would have kept discussing the same thing over and over again. I can be pretty stubborn." Hyukjae smiled. "I was worried about you, though."

"And I was worried about you." Hyukjae sighed again and went over to hug his boyfriend once more. "You're a good person, Donghae. You have a good heart. I know that."

Donghae again was about to cry, but he didn't want to make a scene. He cleared his throat.

They parted again.

"Um… do you want to talk?" Hyukjae nodded. They sat down on the couch. "First of all I'm sorry for sounding like keeping our relationship a secret is a sacrifice for me.” This time he couldn’t hold back the tears. He just let them fall as he talked. He believed Hyukjae was kind of used to it anyway. “It's obviously what's best for both of us, it's just... I like to imagine that it's not. That everyone would be happy and let us be ourselves everywhere. I know it's childish to think that way, but that's partly why I was so happy last night and I didn't understand why you weren't. I was relieved that we would finally have an environment where we shouldn't pretend."

Hyukjae his hair.

"I'd like it to be that way too. Really. And I'm also glad to know that we'll have a safe environment. But yesterday... Well, that wasn't what mattered most to me at the time. "

"It was your family, I know they are the most important thing to you. A-and you reacted accordingly."

"I felt so panicked... I didn't know what to do for a whole minute, really, I... I had never been so scared, it felt so weird."

Donghae reached over to hug his arm. He wiped his tears away.

"You were really strong."

"The strange thing is that I couldn't stop feeling that way even after everything happened. And you were so happy and content that I felt pressured to feel the same way, but... it was for the worse. Because I couldn't express myself well and attacked you for other things that weren't even relevant. I'm sorry for that. For what I said about you not being careful… I don’t know what I was trying to say."

Donghae nodded.

"It's okay. When you told me that, I immediately knew something was wrong."  They both laughed softly. Hyukjae leaned on his boyfriend's shoulder and Donghae caressed his face. "We're gonna talk about that later, okay?" Hyukjae nodded. "I love you."

 "I love you."