I broke contact with Seohyun’s lips and lowered my head.

I didn’t want to open my eyes, because I was sure that she looked horrified, and I didn’t want to see that.

“You better leave now, Im Yoona.”

I opened my eyes but quickly averted my eyes from her face. Slowly I stood up, turned my back on Seohyun, and was about to climb down from the ladder on her window when I heard her say,

“Please stay away from me.”

* * *

Over the next few days, it was as if someone died. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, sometimes couldn’t even muster the energy to get up from my bed. It was lucky that graduation was just around the corner, meaning that classes were long over and I had already finished the needed requirements.

I avoided Seohyun at all costs, and it seems she was doing the same to me.

As I lay in bed every night, my mind was always filled with how I thought her face looked like that night: horrified, appalled, shocked. For her to say that I should stay away from her meant only one thing:

She’s disgusted of me.

What did I expect from someone like her: she, who has stuck to Catholic teachings for so long; she, who has believed in the Church’s teachings for so long, including their stance on people like me?  

Of course she’d stay away from me. I’m a sinner.

But I can’t bring myself to be angry at her.

This is my fault, and mine alone.

Perhaps… I’d just have to accept that she can’t accept someone like me.

Because I’m a sinner.

* * *

“Yoona, come out right now! We’re going to be late!”

Sighing, I got out of my room and went downstairs, fidgeting with my graduation robes.

My mother quickly ushered me out of the house and into our car, driving way past the speed limit because we were going to be late for my graduation.

As I stared out of the window, I wondered if I would be able to glimpse her one last time before she goes off to the convent.

Of course I’ll see her. She’s going to deliver a speech.

Suddenly I felt my heart pound with excitement for her speech.

*Flashback*

I was sitting underneath our favorite tree in the school grounds, when I heard running footsteps and her voice.

 “Hey, Yoona!”

I patted the spot beside mine with a smile, beckoning her to sit beside me.

She plopped down on the grass, hard, and she was obviously out of breath.

“Yoooooona!!!!” Suddenly she threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly, and her neck was sweaty, but it smelled so heavenly. I resisted the urge to bury my face in her neck.

She broke away and looked at me, her eyes twinkling with happiness. “Guess what?”

“Wh-what?” I was still disoriented from the smell of her neck.

“The dean told me… I’m going to deliver the valedictory speech!”

“Really?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!!!” I beamed proudly at her.

I put my arm around her shoulder, and said, “So. Do I get an honorary mention at your speech?”

She pinched my cheek playfully, and said, “Of course!!! You’re my best friend!”

I winced at the term “best friend”, but smiled nonetheless.

*End flashback*

I smiled, remembering her promise that she would mention me at her speech because we were best friends.

But in light of what happened recently… does she still see me as her friend?

* * *

The graduation procession seemed to go on and on, but at last we were all seated, and the Dean stood up on the podium.

“It is with great pride that I introduce to you, the valedictorian of this year’s graduates. The pride of our university… Ms Seo Ju Hyun.”

Everyone clapped their hands, and Seohyun climbed up the steps into the podium.

“To my fellow graduates…”

As she went on in her speech about pursuing our dreams and living our lives, I kept my ears alert for any sign, anything at all, that she was going to mention me.

“To all the people who supported me along the way: my parents, my professors and mentors, my friends. I owe all of you my deepest gratitude. Thank you.” She bowed, signaling the end of her speech, and everyone clapped.

I was stunned: she did not mention me. I tried my best to fight back my tears.

But Seohyun straightened up, and went back to the microphone to speak.

“And lastly,” she started, and she waited for the applause to die down before she continued, “I am sorry. It has been so hard… to figure out the past few days.” Everyone looked at each other questioningly. What is she talking about? Even the professors on the stage were whispering and looking questioningly at Seohyun.

“They say that the first human reaction to shock is denial. I continually denied what happened, thinking it was all a dream. But then I realized… it was wrong of me to have avoided this. I should have settled it with you immediately.”

She breathed deeply and continued, “And so, with all the people here as witness, I would like to say: I forgive you.”

“You are lost, but I am willing to bring you back to the path of righteousness. If you want to repent, I can help you do that. We can wash away your sins, and you can start anew."

"I would be greatly saddened if the devil completely takes over your thoughts… that’s why I am willing to help you.”

I was… shocked.

She sees me as a sinner. A disgusting sinner, who must be forgiven in front of all these people. A lost soul who, without proper guidance, is condemned to the fires of hell.

I felt so… wronged.

Her speech was short of a condemnation, that if I did not go back to the “path of righteousness”, then I am condemned.

This isn’t what I expected of Seohyun.

She thinks my love for her is a sin.

I raised my eyes to the stage and saw that Seohyun was looking directly at me.

I bowed my head, and silently let my tears fall.