I can’t sleep.

Try as I might, once I close my eyes my head is filled with images of closed doors, faceless women wearing habits and among them, my beloved Seo Ju Hyun, her face disappearing in a sea of faceless nuns until she is no more.

She is… too precious, too beautiful, to be the bride of Christ.

But it is what she wants. Her beauty and her brains, she said, were God’s gift to her, and therefore they must be used for His glory. If I am as beautiful as other people say I am, she says, then all the more should I become the bride of Christ. He deserves the most beautiful things on earth.

But how about me? Do I not deserve you, what did this god do to deserve you?

I kept silent the whole time that she was talking, preferring to keep my thoughts to myself because that is the kind of coward that I am. I have loved her for years, yet I have never confessed to her my feelings. Why? Because I knew that in her heart, nothing and no one will ever occupy it other than that guy up there.

I sit up, and realize my back is slick with sweat.

I stand up and walk to my window, allowing the cool night breeze to fan my sweaty face.

Should I do something? Should I try to stop her? But how?

I breathe deeply, and try to think. Think, Im Yoona.

But what if she really wants this? Shouldn’t I, as her best friend, be happy for her and support her decision?

But you don’t see her as a best friend, Im Yoona.

You love her.

Very much.

I close my eyes as tears start to fall from my eyes. Dammit.

I love her so much, I can’t even do anything to make her stay with me. Because to do so would be depriving her of what she really wants.

If Seohyun were here, she would tell me to pray for guidance. Times like these, she says, when we don’t know what to do, prayer is the best recourse. He’ll answer your prayers, you just wait.

Pray? To pray to the man who will be taking you away from me?

Despite myself, I found myself remembering the prayer Seohyun taught me so long ago, the only prayer that I know:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And Wisdom to know the difference.

I recited it out loud, as though to relish the words.

“And Wisdom to know the difference”.

But what is the difference, Im Yoona? What is the fine line that separates the things that can and cannot be changed?

I turned around, and saw myself in my mirror. What I saw in the mirror was a frightened Im Yoona, who claims that she loves Seo Ju Hyun with all her heart and yet is afraid to take a risk in the name of that love.

An Im Yoona who, even before trying, has already conceded defeat.

As I look at myself in the mirror, I realize the answer to my question.

I quickly grab my cellphone and keys and head to the front door.

The difference is my willingness to risk.

* * * 

Just a short update, because I just wanted to write a little about Yoona's internal conflict.  I love writing these kinds of stuff--you know, looking inside yourself and all that. I love writing about conflicting emotions, hence this chapter. =) It's slow going, I know, but don't worry because next chapter we'll be diving into actual YoonHyun drama. ;) 

Comments, please, my beloved readers! I love reading your comments, they totally make my day. :) Don't worry, I'll be updating this story in a few days' time, so see ya! :D