You had your fists clenched so tight you felt your nails digging into your palms and that painful feeling feels so welcome. It’s a good thing that they gave you a blanket because you were cold earlier; they saw you were shaking but it’s actually not because you’re cold. You’re shaking out of anger. You’re so mad at yourself. You understand what they want from you. They want you let go. 
That’s the problem.  
“C-Can I go to the bathroom?” You asked the staff. You’re waiting for the next second placer like you. 
“Okay, make it quick. We’d like you to be here already before the next person enters.” Says the staff and you nodded. 
When you reached the comfort room, you entered a cubicle and just sat there. It’s so silent. It’s making you deaf. Your heart beat accelerated, you’re shaking again. The corners of your eyes are suddenly feeling hot. You breathed in and out, in and out, now sitting with your back straight. 
You have to think. No, it’s because you think too much that you sounded too technical to them. You give them perfect notes, and they don’t want it. They want you to let go. Let go. Your problem is that you weren’t able to relate to the song. You hate love songs. 
When you were younger, you loved them. You grew up singing those songs and eventually participating in some musicals at your school that is based on some Disney movies like Little Mermaid, Cinderella and so on. Your first love was to become an opera singer. To portray characters who are so in love and such.
But things have changed after what your father did to you and your mother. The ultimate betrayal. You then hated love songs. Hate them to the core. You started to appreciate angsty pop/punk rock songs that you could relate to during that time. Metallica, Linkin Park, Radiohead, Good Charlotte, The Smiths... they comforted you, they understood you and they spoke to you. Then later on you met, Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift, Christina Aguilera and you moved on to women empowering songs. You still love those beautiful bands even now. But you want to become one of those women who makes songs that empowers, inspires, and motivates strong and independent women all over the world. 
Then you heard the door open followed by a familiar voice calling out your name. 
“Mikaela-sshi? Are you here? Are you alright? You have to go back now.” 
You stood immediately and got out of the cubicle. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Your time alone for yourself didn’t help. You thought you’re able to fake the emotion earlier but you failed. It only worked in theatre and that’s no longer your goal now. Kpop is your new goal. The judges were right. 
When you got back to your seat, a moment later another second placer joined you. Surprisingly, it’s Jaeyong. You expressed your disbelief and he told you who he was up against. You actually think he’s better but then the judges really are very unpredictable but not necessarily wrong. 
When all second placer contestants were already complete, the atmosphere in the room have changed. You could feel the suffocating determination, it’s so palpable that even your own feelings have been lifted up. Everyone in the room have the same goal as you and they’re so hyped up, still not ready to give up. 
You found yourself smiling at the others now. Suddenly the ache in your heart; caused by the rejection and criticisms you received, disappeared, replaced by something much more intense and life affirming. The want to prove yourself is making your nerves heat up. 
The producers told you to prepare a song for your next performance. There are nine of you and only five slots left for the top ten. That’s what you’re all fighting for in the next performance. 
You all went to the practice room. You heard the others have already chosen a song while you still couldn’t think of any. You’re still considering the judges comments. 
You know you have to sing something you can relate to for this round. A song that will make you let go, just like what the judges want. Once in the top ten, you’d just have to make more effort to learn to convey emotions even to songs you dislike. For now, you have to show them that you can blow them away again. Hell, even blow the roof with a performance. That’s what you need to do. 
So, what song?
You’ve always dreamed of being heard by the world. To tell the world stories through your songs. So you went back to your mother’s homeland to make it happen. 
To be heard. You have to capture the world’s attention. You have to make them listen. Listen. That’s it. 

$$$

The order of the performances is based on the first person who entered the second-placer’s waiting room. And that’s you. 
You feel so warm all over. A very welcome surge of adrenaline is rushing through your veins helping you be reminded that you are in a competition, waking your competitive spirit up.
“What are you going to sing, Mikaela-sshi?” Mr. Yang asked. 
“Uhm, I’m going to sing Listen by Beyonce.” The moment you said that, it’s like you dropped a bomb in front of them. The judges were surprised and the other contestants gasped in astonishment. 
“Why this song?” Mr. Park asked. 
“Because I’m in this competition to be heard. This song is the perfect song to show my vocal range and I will sing it with all my heart this time because I mean it.” You said.
Content with your answer, Mr. Yang and Mr. Park wished you good luck. BoA smiled at you and gave you a nod. You can still see her faith in you and you’re happy she still believes in you. 
You didn’t just chose this song on a whim. Actually you did but you thought about it carefully despite telling yourself that you have to stop over-thinking and over-analyzing. Of course you don’t want to embarrass yourself. You’ve sang this song many times before. E5 is the highest note of the song and in some of Beyonce’s live performances she raises it to G5. The challenge in this song isn’t the high notes because you can definitely reach Beyonce’s belting notes as you both are mezzo sopranos and her vocal range is within your range too. It’s the continuous belting that’s the problem, you’re a bit worried because you still need to learn to stabilize your breathing and your use of melisma which you think Beyonce is the queen of. But you have to take a risk, just like what the judges said. 
When you heard the music, you took a deep breath. The most important thing is not the high notes. It’s for you to be felt. For the message to get across. For you to give-in to the song.
“Listen, to the song here in my heart. A melody I start, but can’t complete.” You closed your eyes. This is you speaking to everyone that is listening to you. “Listen, to the sound from deep within. It’s only beginning to find release...” This performance is very important to you. You want to win this so badly, or at least to win the hearts of the people so you can tell them more stories through your songs in the future. Through your own compositions. “Oh, now I’m done believing you. You don’t know what I’m feeling.” Right now, you’re not thinking of the technicalities of your singing. The judges were right. You were too conscious. You’re not singing though your heart with IU’s song. “I don’t know where I belong. But I’ll be moving on. If you don’t, if you won’t... Listen, to the song here in my heart, a melody I start but I will complete...” It’s like your entire body is feeling the song, the anger, the intensity of the message. 
When you finished singing, the saw the judges standing once again; applauding you with satisfaction on their faces. 

$$$

“Did you check your room again? Did you bring everything?” Your Aunt Hana asked you. 
“Yes, auntie. Rina and I made sure of everything last night.” You said.
“If there’s anything you need, anything you forgot; just call me so I can buy it for you and bring it to your dorm, okay?” She said and you hugged her really tight. 
“I will. Thank you very much, I love you so much, Aunt Hana.” You tightened your hold on her even more. 
“I love you too, pumpkin.” Then she pulled away from you. She speaks to you in English whenever it’s just the two of you, but with Rina around it’s in Korean. Rina can understand English but she’s still a little hit or miss because she doesn’t study hard enough. “Now, go on out there before they forget about you.” She jested and you laughed. You’re thankful that you’re still able to celebrate Christmas with them the other night with your mother on Skype the entire evening. 
Today is the admission day. You brought a suitcase and a backpack full of things that you need for your stay in the dorm with the other contestants. When your Aunt has already left, you walked towards the meeting area, pulling your big luggage. 
They made you group in three and you chose Yoojin and Minyung. You entered the car of your choice and you were brought to a big house. It is complete with a studio for practicing, wide dining area and spacious living room for all of the contestants and the staff and crew. You, Yoojin and Minyung occupied one room as well as the other three girls while the four boys share one room as well.
Tomorrow morning, you’ll all be treated for a make-over and then afterwards you’re going to have a photoshoot. 

$$$

You all slept so late last night because you talked all night long and indulged into junk foods. If not for one of the producers telling you all to turn the lights off, the other three girls wouldn’t go back to their own room. 
A car picked you all up and dropped you off in a salon in the morning. The camera crews are already there, taking shots of almost everything.
A hair-dresser showed you pictures of a girl with different hair color. She’s telling you that you’d look really nice with an ash brown hair, saying it’s more common in Kpop because it adds a western touch to the idols and it also brightens the face. She wants to dye your hair!
“But unnie, I want to look more Korean.” You told her and the cameraman laughed. You already look western, and you want the audience to see you as a Korean rather than a foreigner. 
“You’re right, mianhe.” She said, laughing then she ended up just curling your hair after talking to one of the producers and the stylist. They were on your side so you’re happy you saved your hair from being dyed. For now. You know eventually you’ll have to do it if you want to be in this business where image and style also matters, but you’d like to hold on to the purity of your hair for as long as you still can. 
After you were done, you all got in the car again to get to the studio for your photoshoot. 
While you were waiting for your turn, you and Yoojin sat on the corner watching your performance videos on Youtube. Surprisingly, your videos have the most views. Your talent audition video with Demi Lovato’s Skyscrapper already reached 5 million views. It’s just amazing, you still can’t believe it. 

$$$

Every day for the last two weeks after the top ten was announced had been very busy. They had to record a lot of activities that you all do, including going to the gym, going for a check-up on the hospital, even how you and the other contestants celebrated New Year and so much more. 
Right now, all of you gathered on the living room to watch the second episode of the Battle Audition Round. It will show the second-placers’ battling each other for a slot in the top ten. 
This is your first time watching your own performance of that round. You wanted to see and hear it for yourself. The performance that made you be a part of the top ten. The performance that made you; according to the judges, become one of the strongest contender.
Since you were the first to perform, your clips were showed first. Once again, they dramatically made it even more dramatic; for the lack of a better word, how you reacted to being second place from last week’s episode. The others teased your reaction to your own clips. Your disappointed face trended once again, even your name and the judges were unfortunately criticized by some netizens claiming to be your supporters who even dared to say that the judges doesn’t know what they’re saying from last week’s episode. Rina called you sounding so happy when she told you that you have haters already. You wondered why she’s so happy and asked her, then she said that having haters means that you are already popular. You don’t think so, not until you prove it in the live shows if the audience votes would save you. 
You realized the fierceness of your expression when you came out again for the battle of the second-placers. You looked so determined like you want to kill, and you did. The song, that is. 
The other producers and staffs watched with you in the gigantic living room with a very big LED television. They were laughing with your answer and the judges but when you started singing, they all went silent. Damn was that a G5 you heard from yourself? You have to check that later on. 
Even you were entranced by your own performance. You really sound and look better on stage when you’re not holding back. 
“This is your best performance ever.” You remember what BoA said. 
“That’s what I’m talking about. I-I don’t know what to comment anymore.” Mr. Park told you, applauding you once again as he remained standing. He looked so overwhelmed and still in trance. 
“You were challenged and you delivered. You gave us even more than what we asked for. That’s one of the best; if not the best, version of the song that I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard a lot.” Was what Mr. Yang told you. 
Fortunately, your performance was beyond what you expected from yourself. Thanks to the judges, you are more confident in letting go of your emotions when you sing. But only when you sing. It actually feels great afterwards. 
After the episode was over, your name trended once again. 

$$$

“I don’t want to battle Mikaela.” Says Sungjin. He stood before you all and in front of a table with several envelopes that contains the names of the contestants that he’d have to battle for the next round where two contestants will leave and the top eight will advance to the next round. 
You frowned. “I don’t want to battle you too.” You commented and the others laughed. He’s really good too. His videos have the second most views next to yours. He’s also really good looking and that’s probably why he has a lot of fans. Or rather, fangirls. 
He picked an envelope and handed it to the show’s host Mr. Jun Hyunmoo. “Whatever you two says, it’s fate who’ll decide.” He said and opened the envelope, hiding it from Sungjin first with a sly smile on his face. “It seems like fate is not on your side!” He turned the paper to your direction so you could read the name and everyone gasped, even the staff and crew. Sungjin was now massaging his forehead. You only smiled. It was your name. 
As of the moment it doesn’t really matter who you go up against as long as you don’t battle with Yoojin or Minyung yet. 

$$$

After practice, the producers wanted to record something about you that they could use for the next episode. So you, along with Yoojin and Minyung went out on the streets to look for some Korean foods that you’ve never tried before. 
“Are you picky with food?” Asked the camera man, now recording you. 
You’re now walking towards famous Gwangjang Market where there are numerous stalls that sell a variety of food that they want you to try. 
“Ahniyo. I eat anything.” You said, smiling when Yoojin interrupted.
“Actually, Kaela has a really huge appetite.” She revealed. But you’re not ashamed of it. 
“That’s true. There’s only two things that makes busy.” Minyung added and you started laughing because you already know what she’s going to say. “Singing and eating.” 
“Those are two of the things I love the most.” You said, not really in defense of yourself.
“Mikaela!” You heard someone call you, it was a small voice and when you found the small figure drowned in her big and thick winter coat waving at you, you waved back. 
“Kaela is really popular with children.” Yoojin said, now the focus of the camera. “Whenever we go out, children always recognizes her and they would call and flock to her.” She shared. 
The people have started to notice your group and have also started to take pictures, following wherever you go. They’d call your name, and then Yoojin’s and Minyung’s alternately. It’s really fun. Not until they’ve started to push. The staff told you not to encourage them so they’ve asked you to stop waving back and security was added because even before you entered the market, the amount of people have already thickened. 
“Is there any Korean food that you don’t like?” The producer asked beside the camera man.
“I love Korean food. It’s just that the ones that I have already had is very limited to what my mother can only prepare and the restaurants can serve, most of them may not even be authentic. So I’m looking forward to trying those that I’ve never tried before.” You said. Hello? This is free food. And the best way for you to get in touch with your Korean side is to indulge in Korean food. They continued to ask you if there’s a place similar to this in England or in Singapore and you shared some stories.
The people were asked to make a way for your group because they wouldn’t move and you can’t enter.  
The moment you got through, you couldn’t help but be amazed at the number of stalls and food that you could see. “Whoa!” You uttered, and your eyes must be sparkling now because you started to feel your mouth water. 
The producers lead you to a stall and you greeted the owner who looked so happy to be chosen. “What-” Your eyes caught something moving. You looked closer and realized that it was an octopus swimming inside a big bowl with water but is covered shut by a transparent lid. “Oh, it’s still alive.”
When you said that, Minyung told you to try it and you immediately agree. It’s true you eat anything. You’re quite adventurous when it comes to food. You wondered how they’re going to cook it. Maybe they’re going to cook it in front of you. But when the owner got the octopus out of the container, you looked away because she chopped it in front of you. 
Surprisingly, after you heard the chopping sound you then heard the owner tell you to try it now. What? She’s not going to cook it? The producer was wearing a cheeky grin. 
When you turned, you saw Minyung handing you a paper plate with the octopus’ chopped body parts still moving. They laughed at something in your face, probably your reaction. “It’s called sannakji, it’s really good.” She drizzled oil on it and sesame seeds. 
You’re horrified and it probably shows because the other people watching you started laughing. But you’re not the type to back down to any challenges. Using the chopstick provided, you had a hard time picking a piece to eat because it’s very slimy and at the same time they’re still moving. Minyung decided to feed you with her impressive chopstick skills and when it’s already in your mouth, you felt it moving. You’ve never had anything in your mouth that is still alive and it just feels weird. 
The people continued laughing because you don’t want to close your mouth so Yoojin pushed your chin up to close it and you closed your eyes and a tiny squeal came out of your throat. You swallowed it in an instant without chewing it and you panicked. 
“Oh no! I swallowed it!” You couldn’t help shaking your hands.
“You’re supposed to swallow it.” Yoojin said, her face red from trying to contain her laughter. 
“I know! But I didn’t chew it.” You said. 
“Try one more time and chew it.” The producer suggested and you immediately shook your head. You paused, trying to sense if you can still feel the poor thing moving inside your stomach. 
You were still worried but your group moved-on to another stall that sells bindaetteok. You enjoyed watching the owner grind the mung beans with the traditional stone grinder. When they told you it was a pancake, you got excited. You expected for it to be sweet but since the owner didn’t prepare it in front of you, when you tasted it; you’re surprised that it’s salty and you could taste kimchi. You tried your best to make it show that you really like it. You like a lot of Korean food, but not these things. 
After that, they made you try some more. Unfortunately it all didn’t settle well in your stomach because on your way to the dorm, your stomach started to ache. 

$$$

You spent the next few days practicing your performance for the live show. This time, you didn’t practice for perfection. You practiced how to connect to the song even just for a little. Even if it’s just sympathy for the person who made the song or those who can relate to it.
All of you stood on the platform that will lift you up on the stage for the audience to see. 
You heard Mr. Jun Hyunmoo; the host, opened the show and introducing the judges. Yoojin beside you held your hand and you held hers tightly, she also reached for Minyung on her other side. This is it. You’re finally going to face real live audiences and you just can’t wait to see them. 
The others are nervous and all but you’re not. You’re one step closer to your dream and all you could feel is determination and excitement in your system. 
So when the platform lifted you all up and the moment your heads came out from under the stage, the screams and shouts intensified. People were making deafening cheers. According to the staff, the studio can hold five thousand people and you couldn’t believe that’s how many people came to see all of you today. Kpop Star really is that big in this country. You don’t know where to look, your eyes want to see everything. This is the largest number of live audience you’re ever going to perform for. The challenge of impressing them is really making your adrenaline surge again. 
The host introduced all of you one by one and every name that is called, the screams just get louder and louder. When it was your turn, you suddenly felt scared that the cheers would decrease. “Next is the girl who keeps on surprising us, she’s 21 years old...” Actually, you’re only 20 but it’s different here in Korea so... “-from United Kingdom. Mikaela Bennett!” 
Wha- you’re from Singapore. You were casted in Singapore and you no longer have a home in England. So it should be Singapore. But nevertheless, it’s a small detail. 
You smiled, feeling happy that the cheers are so loud and your eyes darted to a really big poster or your face that the people raised. It was from the talent audition round, you were smiling and your dimples were showing. This was probably during the interview by the judges before your first performance. Some were even carrying a cardboard with your name on it. 
Wow, you have fans. Wow. You waved at their direction and they screamed even more so you sent a flying kiss towards them. 
After everyone was introduced, you all went to the backstage to prepare for your performances. You picked number three when the order of the performances were decided. So you had time to prepare and calm your nerves.
There’s a big TV screen in your waiting area and you saw them show your activities after the Battle Audition Round. From the journey to your dorm, to the things that you did after. When you went to the hospital for some physical check-up and when you went to the gym. 
You groaned when you saw them show that embarrassing part where everyone tried to use two 4kg kettlebells on each hands and followed an instructor for a routine. You couldn’t raise your hands at all. They were so heavy and it’s not your fault you don’t have much strength on your arms and hands or anywhere in your body. They all laughed at you when you started heaving in the middle of what they call simple stretching. The only exercise you do is breathing exercise for singing, anything related to physical is too much for you. 
The most shameful part was when they showed that part where you tripped in front of the SM building and how you attacked the cameraman to delete that part. Everyone was laughing so hard at your expense and your face is so hot as of the moment. Even to small things such as opening a water bottle and a bag of junk food. 
Kpop Star just destroyed your cool image. 

$$$

After you heard your name, you entered the stage. The people started cheering again. You walked towards the black piano at the center of the stage barefoot. 
The inspiration for your make-up and outfit tonight is Amy Lee’s appearance on the Evanescence music video for My Immortal, because that’s what you’re going to sing tonight. Your hair was curled just the same, your eye make-up was made as smoky as hers. You’re wearing a sleeveless white flowing dress with some pieces of torn fabric wrapped around your hands and your feet. When you came out earlier, you were wearing a coat because it’s still really cold. But you have to endure. 
“Woah, yeppuda.” You heard Mr. Park commented. 
You already explained on the clip earlier what you’re going to sing. They even showed some more clips of you practicing so you sat immediately on the stool. 
You chose this song because you want to show your piano skills and at the same time showcase your vocals again. Amy Lee has one of the best vocals you’ve ever heard and Evanescence is one of your favorite bands. The song is full of longing and loneliness. There are parts of the song that you can relate to, but most of it; you can only sympathize to those who still feel it. 
You love the melody of the song, it’s a piano rock song and the notes are a little high but achievable and since you accompany yourself, you control the key. You heard someone groan the moment you started pressing the keys and silence automatically followed after your fingers started working on the keys. Oh this song is so beautiful. “I’m so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears...” A combination of beautiful melody, lyrics and Amy Lee’s voice. “These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase...” So perfect. This is the part where you can relate big time. And here comes the big notes. “I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. But though you’re still with me. I’ve been alone all along...” The good thing about this song is that even though it has really high notes, there’s too much soul in it. 
Loud cheers and applause took over after you finished your performance. You opened your eyes and smiled. You made it. You stood and bowed to everyone. The judges are standing once again and not just them, every audience in the studio did. Even those who were supporting other contestants. 
Oh my goodness. A standing ovation from this number of audience is just amazing. 
Suddenly your eyes felt so hot and you blinked several times to dry your eyes before it gets misty.
“That was magical, Mikaela. You look magical next to the piano. It’s like I’m seeing a goddess playing a beautiful melody and singing in such emotional and soothing voice.” Mr. Park said. The audience cheered once again. That was a very good compliment. "You look and sound like a dream. A beautiful dream where I wouldn't want to wake up." The people laughed at his comment.
“Kamsahamnida.” You bowed. 
“I agree. It’s like I’m watching a music video.” BoA said afterwards. The other judges agree. “Yeah. It was all perfect. The setting. There’s nothing wrong with it. No edits needed. You sang with all of your heart again and whenever you do that, your voice never fail to touch people like me. Good job.” She smiled at you and gave you a thumbs up. You thanked her once again. Thanked her for believing in you.
Mr. Yang applauded once again. “Beautiful, Mikaela. I cannot-” He looked so overwhelmed and emotional. He paused for a moment and then looked at you in the eyes that even your distance from each other didn't make it less intense. “If you win, I hope you choose YG.” He said and that made your jaw drop. Finally! You've finally changed his mind. But when you looked at BoA, you noticed how the smile on her face suddenly disappeared.