Yoona’s POV

I remember the first night after Seunghyun’s death. I thought of ending everything. I felt hopeless, depressed, angry, but most of all I felt scared. I knew I had to feel bad; he was my best friend after all, but as the days go by every second was worse than the last. That’s when it occurred to me I hadn’t cried enough for him so I tried to live every second of pain hoping one day it was just going to disappear, but it wasn’t like that. That pain never leaved me, some days it was even stronger than the previous day.

I didn’t understand it. The only thing I knew is that I missed him so much, I couldn’t handle him being gone, even tough obsessing about him made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, and becoming someone I didn’t want become. Then I started to feel I didn’t need to kill myself, because I wasn’t going to survive anyways.  The first ray of help was Yuri and Seohyun, they became my friends and made me think there was still a possibility for me to be included in the world again. Then Jongin appeared, loving me with the same loyalty he did before. But now, the sunshine really started to shine again when Lee Jonghyun came to my life.

“So, Jongin and you..” Jonghyun asks swallowing his strawberry ice-cream.

“Sooo…” I drag the o looking at him.

“Come on, what is going on between the two of you. I mean, should I worry about him?” I start to laugh. Jonghyun and I weren’t exactly dating, but we were getting to know each other. Still he was really sweet and funny. I felt really good with him. He could transform even the hardes topic into something I could laugh of.

“We were dating before. When I was in university and both were into business. He was the most popular guy in the school and I was just me you know? So everybody was jealous. I am not rich I don’t really have a good personality so no one could understand why he liked me”

“I do”

“What?”

“I do understand why he likes you. I even understand why they hated you. You are probably the only one that don’t realize you have the beauty factor”

“What the hell is the beauty factor?”

“Is that thing that makes boys like you and girls hate you. Come on, you are pretty and mysterious, which kinda makes you y, you are intelligent and you have an amazing body. I bet as a girl you were the one in the class that received the most gifts on Valentine’s day and the first one to be asked out to the dance school and even the one who sold the most cookies during festivals right?”

“Damn, I always thought I was really good at business, and now you are telling me it was all because of how I look?” Jonghyun laughs really hard. I smile, it’s the first time in a while that I make someone laugh. “So having these thing is bad?”

“Mmm, let’s say you are like Spiderman”

“I’m what?”

“You know, with a great power comes a great responsibility”

“You are really weird. Beauty is not a power”

“You are the weird one, cause you are powerful but don’t see it”

“Really?”

“Really, you are the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen, so at least against me, you are really powerful” Jonghyun starts to get closer to me but I turn around. I really want to kiss him, but lately the image of Seunghyun appears out of nowhere making me feel bad, as if I was forgetting about him, so I refuse Jonghyun. Luckily there’s a little lake in the park where we are, so I take his hand, get up, and beg him to jump into one of the boats in the lake.

"I just thought that I if I sing only here I would never know if I am good because I have talent or because of people already knows about me, sinc emy mother is the nations bride and I was a model since young. So I decided since my father is in the Korean market I could debut there” Jonghyun asnwers when I ask him how he decided to become a singer in Korea. He is out of breath because we are pedaling the boat. 

“Cool, the more I know about you, the more I like you. You know, when I first met you I thought you were just goofy, now I see a completely different person, I like that”

“I like you too. The first time I saw you you were singing. What was that song?”

“I don’t know, I don’t remember honestly”

“Something like ‘I’m such a fool for you’”

“Oh, yeah. That’s on of my favorite songs. It’s called Linger”

“Can you sing a bit for me?” I smile a little embarrassed.

“I can, but remember I am not a professional singer like you, so this might goes terrible”

“I won’t laugh, I promise”

‘But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,

Do you have to let it linger?’ As I finish the verse he is looking at me in a lovely way. I just adore the way he looks at me. I rest my arms on his shoulder and look at his eyes.

“ I am a fool for you” He says looking at my lips. I close my eyes and let him kiss me. His lips are vanilla flavor, my favorite.

Kai’s POV

Yoona called today. She is coming back from Japan and asked me to pick her at the airport. I first got enthusiastic, until she said she wanted to talk to me. I can sense no emotion coming from her, not even excitement. I am sure everything is over between us. I missed Yoona a lot. I lived out of memories when she wasn’t around.  It’s not easy for me to accept the mistakes I made led to the end of our relationship. I sit in the nearest chair thinking what comes next for me. I drink a bit of my coffee and think how I waited years to see her again, how I was never able to move on because I was so sure Yoona was the love of my life.

“Anorexia, maybe bulimia?” A pitchy voice asks. I raise my head and I meet Krystal for the first time.

“Neither” I answer.

“Bull, no one sits in the waiting room of the Nutrition department with a face like yours because everything is fine” She replies annoyed. I realize I am in the nutrition department of the hospital.

“I’m in love with the woman I could never have”  I let out.

“That makes two of us” She answers as if what she just heard is the most normal thing in the world. I look at her surprised. “Of course my thing is not with a woman” I smile.“Don’t laugh, I am in love with someone I will never be able to have, because he is dead” I immediately turn serious. “At least you can fight and see if you have the chance she will ever love you back, I don’t have that, he died not loving me and he never will” She says angry “And its all her fault”.

“Krystal Jung? Please come in” A nurse announces and she gets up.

“Have a nice life” Krystal says waving her hand.

“I’m Jongin, and I will be coming a lot. If one day you want to talk, you can come to me” I tell her waving back. A little smile forms in her face, Krystal nods and goes to the doctor’s room.

Jonghyun’s POV

“What do you think about death?” Yoona asks me while we are waiting for her plane. I don’t want her to leave so I was unconsciously playing with her hand. Not letting it go. Her question hits me by surprise, I look at her and feel like she is very courious about my answer.

“That it’s hard for the people that stays. When we loose someone, it’s hard to admit they are gone, forever, and there is nothing we can do to bring them back” She looks at me with teary eyes.

“This is the only time I am going to talk about him with you. My best friend died a few years ago, since then I am unable to have a normal relation with anyone, partly because I feel guilty for him being gone. Yo are the only person that has made me move out of my misery and that makes want to act like the real me, so I feel like I need to tell you about him cause whenever I am with you he keeps appearing. I know he is death but sometimes when I kiss you I see him looking at us and I swear it is so realistic I am scared. I feel like I am going crazy” Yoona is trembling, I take her hand really hard. I know nothing about mental illnesses, but when Seunghyun died, my doctor asked me if I still saw him, he asked me that because he was afraid I had schizophrenia.

“I bet you now think I am crazy”

“It’s ok, we all are a little crazy sometimes. But just so you know, right now I think you are the strongest and most beautiful woman I ever met”. I look at her a bit worried, until a song we both now starts playing at the café where we are seating.

“Listen” Yoona tells me pointing up, at the speakers. “Moon river” Yoona says looking at me trying to smile. I lean and hug her. She first reacts surprised, but then she returns my hug.

“It is okay if I ask you to go to the doctor when you come back to Korea? I have a friend that helped me when my brother died. I won’t ask again since you said this was the only time we were going to talk about ‘him’, I just want you to feel good” I say still hugging her. She nods hugging me even harder. Yoona’s tears start to wet my shirt. Just at that moment Yoona’s plane is announced. I don’t want to let her go, I really don’t. But she assures me she is going to be fine and somehow I believe her. 

Yoona’s POV

When I arrive to Korea, Jongin is already waiting for me. He knows what’s coming, so he asks me why.

“I really like someone. No, that’s a lie. I am falling for Jonghyun. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry” Jongin looks at the ground.

“I don’t wanna loose you. I’m afraid I won’t be able to love anyone as I love you”

“You won’t” I say as I go and hug him. “You must know how special you are for me, but you must also understand we are living out of memories and we deserve better than staying with each other because we think we are not capable of loving someone else the way the loved each other. I know you understand Jongin” he nods. We keep hugging each other for a long time, I bet someone would belive one of us is dying so we decide to go to the parking lot, there I tell Jonging about me seeing Seunghyun whenever I am with Jonghyun. 

“I think you should go with the doctor he recommended, and you should go right away” I know Jongin is right, so the next day the first thing we do is driving to Taeyeon’s house. She is a petite woman who knows Jonghyun since they were children. She receives me with a smile and asked me to talk to her. The first sessions nothing occurs. I can’t break down like I did with Jonghyun. I just don’t trust Taeyeon enough.

We continue like that for two weeks until Jonghyun comes back from Japan. By that time Jongin has managed to prove all the acusations against me were false so I am back at the hospital. Even though Taeyeon suggested to focus on me for the moment I still want to see the kids in my department, I want to help them, plus since coming back to Korea I haven’t seen Seunghyun again, but that doesn't stop Jongin from being equally worried about me, so Taeyeon asks for an appointment with him the day Jonghyun returns. He accepts even though I assure him it’s not necessary.

Kai’s POV

“I think it’s an early stage of Schizophrenia. She is having allucinations. If these allucinations are strong the highest will be suicide” I can’t believe what Taeyeon just said. Yoona can’t be that sick.

“Who is the trigger?” I ask.

“Jonghyun. Yoona feels like she can’t be happy. I don’t know the reason and that’s why I asked you to come here. I understand you are his friend so you might tell me what happened a few years ago” I understand what Taeyeon is saying. So I tell her everything; about Seunghyun, me and Yoona, and the way he died.

“What was his name?” Taeyeon asks me again.

“Seunghyun. Choi Seunghyun. He was the son of the President of Choi Records” Taeyeon looks at me really worried.

“Then why? Why you don’t know anything about Jonghyun, or him about you or Yoona?”

“What do you mean?”

“Kai, Seunghyun was Jonghyun’s little brother. It must be him. Seunghyun died the exact same day trying to save the students of the collision they had while going to a school thing” I look at Taeyeon alarmed too. If Yoona finds about this, she might go crazy.

Yoona’s POV

I have decided I am going to be happy. I have decided I must accept once and for all Seunghyun is death but I am still alive, and I have the right to be happy. I am in front of his grave, a grave I haven’t visited in a while. I am looking at his name when I receve a call from Jonghyun.

“I just bought your favorite flowers” He says as soon as I answer.

“I seriously don’t understand. You said you weren’t romantic” I answer smiling.

“I am not, since when flowers are romantic?”

“Since forever Jonghyun” I say laughing.

“Anyways, where should  give them to you?”

“ I am at the cemetery, visiting my friend. Do you think you can come here? Maybe I can show who he was, I know I said I wouldn't talk to him anymore but I promise won't break down like the last time”

“Don't worry, I also want to introduce you to my brother. You know tomorrow is our debut and the I want the blessing of two of the most important people in my life. You and him”

“Good, then I’ll wait for you here”  As I hang up, I see Seunghyun’s grave again. “Hello stranger. Sorry I didn’t come in weeks. I’m sure up everyone knows what happens here on earth, so instead of telling you I will explain it to you. I met someone. Well, not someone, I met him.  His name is Jonghyun. He is six years older than me. I’m sure you would have liked him. Jonghyun is an amazing person. He takes care of me really well” Suddenly my eyes started to fill with water. “It’s ok to like someone else right? I can like Jonghyun right Seunghyun? In fact I can love him right? I love Jonghyun because he is a good person, actually he is much more of a good person than he gives himself credit for, and I like that, he doesn’t even realize how capable of loving he is, so please look after us, wherever you are”

No one’s POV

In a small city outside of Seoul

“Dear diary.

I’m sorry, but I’m tired of writing. I know my parents said keeping a journal would make me get my memories back but I have absolutely no idea who I am, and I don’t seem to be getting better by day. I am tired of trying. Maybe I was a bad person; if that was the case then I better don’t remember anything. I like things how they are now. I have two loving parents and a wonderful girlfriend. I seriously doubt my life before was better than now, I seriously do…The only thing that keeps bothering me is this name: Yoona. Sometimes when I am with Sohee I accidentally call her  by that, and once that names goes out, I keep thinking about it the whole day. Yoona, Yoona, Yoona. , don’t be mad diary, but that name is also the only reason I keep writing to you. Yoona, Who are you? Where are you?”