Chapter 15

INCERTITUDE

 

[JUNGKOOK]

 

Please kill me ‘cause here I am standing in front of my great love, I am attempting to do something but I can’t, my mouth is shut and my brain is dead and I don’t even know what to do.

 

“Are you just gonna stand there? What the do you want?” His tone was filled with disappointment and annoyance. “So?”

 

“I……..” Me and my stuttering! I hate this! I hate this!

 

“If you’re not gonna say something comprehensible, you’re wasting my ing time,”

 

Oh my God, he’s gonna walk out, it’s now or never! “I like you V!” I yelled out and I yelled it really loud. I’m such a loser! Don’t mention a whatever ‘F’ word V uses.

 

“You like me?” he laughed and those people with him were in faces that spelled ‘What the is he talking about’.

 

“Yes,” it’s more like of a whisper not a statement. I’m really a red ball of embarrassment and humiliation here.

 

“Okay then, you’ll be my boyfriend or whatever you want to be,”

 

“What the V,” his friend, Namjoon, jaws dropped.

 

Just that? I was in complete and utter form of skepticism. V and I? V, that one I am head over heels for. Me and him, boyfriends? This is… this is…. I don’t know? It’s really amazing! “Yeah, I’ll meet you this afternoon,”

 

“It’s settled then! Now, get lost!” he pierced me some weird looks of being pissed. Is he pissed? Why? I thought we’re together and not to mention, it was him you suggested that we should, but never mind that. We’re together now and I am like riding up in cloud nine.

 

“What were you thinking Jungkook?” Jin asked me. Well if you’re wondering whose Jin, he’s a senior and a friend of mine. We’re both representatives for our year level in the Student Council and we’re close even though he’s older. “Telling V what you feel for him? Isn’t that a little desperate?”

 

“I guess so Jin-hyung, but I just have to tell him that I like him. I don’t care what happens, I just want him to know, that’s all, I never thought we’ll be together after that! I thought he’ll hate me!” I explained to him. Truth be told, it’s just that. I just want V to know that he’s everything in my mind. I can’t stop thinking about him and ….. I guess I should stop saying things like that but …“It’s just that, I feel like I’m going to explode if I can’t tell him about how I feel about him.”

 

~~~~~

 

The afternoon came and I am here again standing in front of Dance Club’s studio feeling like a fool. Honestly, people are looking at me like hell and I can’t bear that!

 

“Jungkook?” a familiar voice called me.

 

“Kyungsoo-sunbae,” I was startled. The Council Secretary is here, I’m dead. I’m practically dead!

 

“Waiting for someone are we?” he asked and I saw how his owl-eyes turn very inquisitive.

 

“He’s waiting for V, hyung,” his company spoke and with that I’m totally deceased. “Apparently, he confessed his feelings for V this morning, it’s the talk of the club for the past few hours,” Kai, the evil one who turned good because of sunbae explained to him and I’m like, please do not put salt in an already open wound. “Seriously kid? You’d pick V out of everybody else? If I’m as evil as , he’s more than that,”

 

“Jongin! Stop disappointing him and I met V once and I practically see him every time you have dance practice and he’s a good kid,”

 

“You just don’t know him hyung,”

 

“Just don’t scare Jungkook like that Jongin, he has this really great crush on V since like forever,” Kyungsoo-sunbae, you’re not really helping, with Kai knowing that, the whole Dance Club will turn me into their personal ridicule.

 

“Hey kid! Your date is here!” Kai said and he yelled it out loud making everybody turn to my direction. Kai is a god here in school and it’s not helping that he’s with another super popular guy in school. I’m average and if everyone knows I’m dating V, the hottest sophomore in school – I’ll be dead in a couple of hours.

 

“Kai-hyung, Kyungsoo-sunbae” V bowed. Now I know that even though he’s cold and all, he’s respectful and that just made me even more in love with him.

 

“So you’re really into him now?” Kai said to V and he just smirked. What’s that supposed to mean? Smirking?

 

“Just don’t hurt him okay?” Kyungsoo-sunbae said. I know that he’s all worried about me. They treat me like a baby back in the office but I can handle myself sunbae, thanks for the concern.

 

“Yes sunbae,” he replied with a big smile.

 

“Jungkook shall we?” he wrapped his arms around my waist.

 

“Bye sunbae, bye Kai-hyung!” I waved at them and smiled. I hope V is serious when we said that he will not hurt me.

 

“So where will we be going?”

 

“Nowhere, you’ll go home! I’ll ing go home!”

 

“So I just waited for me to go home?”

 

“I guess so. Goodbye then!” He bid farewell when we were in the school gate. Is this being with V looks like? Wait for nothing? But hang-on, I asked for this, maybe this is just him, cold and heartless but I like him and I said that so I will stand for my word!

 

“Goodbye, see you tomorrow,” I said with a beaming grin.

 

“I don’t want to see you tomorrow; maybe the next day would be fine,”

 

“Okay,” He doesn’t want to see me tomorrow. “If that’s what you want,”

 

He walked ahead and soon disappeared; I can’t believe that he said that to me! He doesn’t want to see me tomorrow? Next day would be fine? I thought you will not hurt me V? But it’s him! He’s cold and heartless but I’ll endure, I like him and I think I love him so love without sacrifices is not love at all, it’s just obsessive attraction. If he doesn’t want to see me tomorrow then fine, he wants to see the next day. I think that’ll suffice.

 

~~~~~

 

“The whole school is talking about you Jungkook,” my classmate Jimin-hyung said. Well if you’re wondering why I called him hyung, he’s older than me and I’m like the youngest person in this school, well not to brag or anything, I’m that smart. Hehehehehe! Sorry for being boastful! “You dating V is creating a large ruckus in school, even the senior noonas are talking about you,”

 

“Can you tell me that I’m dead?” that’s why my classmate’s area always looking at me.

 

“You’re dead man!”

 

“I am!” Why did I get into this mess? Why?

 

“Babe!” a familiar voice echoed in the room and basing from the shocked atmosphere that is currently brewing in our classroom, I know who’s calling me babe!

 

“Tell me it’s not him Jimin-hyung,” I crossed fingers hoping to elicit a positive response from Jimin but the thing is, even before he can answer, a hand is now holding by left arm.

 

“You answer when I call you!” he reprimanded me with all the horror in the world.

 

“I’m sorry. I thought you don’t want to see me today so that’s why I did not answer,”

 

“I changed my mind,” he changed his mind? V! I can’t understand why I fell for you! “Come with me now,”

 

“But classes will start a few minutes from now,”

 

“I don’t care. Come with me!”

 

I just nodded. Guys, tell me, should I be happy that he wants to see me or should I worried because I’m gonna skip classes today! I guess, skipping one subject would not hurt my grades.

 

“So what do you want?”

 

“Now that you’re my boyfriend, you’ll do my assignments, I want you to cook my lunch, I want you to wait for me every afternoon! No complaints,”

 

“What? I’m not your wife!”

 

“Isn’t this what you wanted? You wanted me? This is me! No more, no less!”

 

He’s evil, being his boyfriend is tantamount to being his slave. “Okay,”

 

“One more thing,” I anticipated what evil consequence as his boyfriend will he say but instead of saying something………… his lips are… pecked.. in… mine…. Am I dreaming? V just kissed me. “You’re mine, only mine!” he said as he broke our kiss.

 

I nodded feeling like I’m dreaming, I can’t even focus!

 

“See you this afternoon then,”

 

“Yes,” and with my reply, he walked away and I’m still feeling all nervous and flustered and I don’t know what word will I use. He just kissed me, he’s my first kiss and I like him and he’s my boyfriend and I’m his! My world just got even more colorful…………………………. and the bell rang. I’m in the most romantic phase in my life but the bell rang! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’m going to class! I thought I was going to skip class but I guess I’m not.

 

~~~~~

 

We’ve been together for almost two weeks now and now that it’s the last week before winter break comes, I’ve been following what V instructed me, I am doing all his assignments and projects and I am cooking his lunch and with that, we always have lunch together.

 

“Are you sure you cooked this?”

 

“Yes,” is the food not delicious? “If you don’t like it, I can just buy you lunch for now,” Truth be told, I am not that good so I asked Kyungsoo-sunbae on tips, I know he cooks for Kai-hyung and his culinary skills are superb!

 

“Who said I don’t like it?” he said and continued eating. He liked my cooking and I think that’s a good thing! Yes! One point for Jungkook!

 

“V?” and he hummed in response.

 

“You’re actually sure we’re together?” honestly, I want to ask him that ever since he told me that he’s my boyfriend but I really couldn’t find the chance and I’m afraid of what he’s going to tell me. “I mean, what do you feel towards me?”

 

“What the is that?” he stopped eating and his gazes were piercing me.

 

“I just thought if we’re going to together, I don’t want to feel that you only pitied me that’s why you got into this relationship with me?”

 

“You’re mine! That’s enough!”

 

I know arguing with V will make me only a fool and will only downgrade his mood so I just have to keep my silence! “I guess so,” I faked a grin and proceeded eating. I guess I just wanna feel special because you know, we’re together!

 

There are many things I’ve learned about V when the last few weeks. He’s bestfriend is Namjoon and he is a really good dancer and unlike most Dance Club members, he’s not failing his subjects and that’s a good thing but he’s always lazy to do his homework. I know that we’re not the typical lovers and this is just a one-sided love but I wanna try my best for V, at least, if we are not going to end up together forever, I tried my best to make him happy whilst we are together.

 

“Jimin-hyung, what are you going to do over the winter break?”

 

“Stay at home! Sleep and eat!”

 

“That’s lazy hyung,”

 

“I know! Isn’t that very essence of having breaks and vacations – to enjoy doing nothing!” he chuckled. “How ‘bout you? How will you spend you break?”

 

“My parents are planning to go to Busan. It’s been a while since I saw my cousins and aunts and uncles there,”

 

“Sounds really nice! How about your boyfriend? Isn’t he coming with you to Busan?”

 

“I don’t want to hassle him up and besides he’s busy with his dancing,”

 

“Your boyfriend is a ing bull Jungkook!”

 

“Jimin-hyung,” I said in an imploring tone.

 

“He’s not treating you nicely and the worst part is, he’s making you his slave,”

 

“It’s okay Jimin-hyung, I mean, I like V that much and if it makes him happy, I am happy as well,”

 

“Okay! Okay! But tell me if he gets too much overboard, I’ll go snatch you away from him!” He held my hand and squeezed it a little bit. I guess he’s making sure that I’m okay and that he’s there if any problem arises.

 

“Yeah Jimin hyung!” I’m lucky that I have a friend like him, he makes me feel happy! Thanks Jimin-hyung but when I thought everything is okay, V just appeared out of nowhere.

 

“Get the off!” he yelled at Jimin and he’s angry. “No one touches my property! Get your off him!” I gestured Jimin-hyung to go because I don’t want any more trouble and gladly, even though he insisted, he complied to go. I’ll talk to you once V has calmed.

 

V grabbed my right arm and dragged to an empty male restroom. “V! He’s a friend, why are you talking bad things to him?” I said when finally let go of me.

 

“Shut the hell up! You already have me and you’re flirting with other guys?”

 

“Flirting? Me?” I was in shocked. What are these accusations?

 

“Don’t deny it you double crossing !” he yelled at me and I was in plain pain. “Am I not good enough?” he then pinned me in the wall and started kissing me very lustful and he’s biting my lips and his nails are digging into my flesh. I tried to push him away but he keeps on kissing me and shunning my efforts and resistance.

 

“V stop,” I implored but his advances were only getting stronger and his kiss devouring.

 

“Isn’t this what you want? You want me to the out of you!”

 

“V, please stop,”

 

“There’s no stopping me babe, I’m gonna mark my property so no one will come dare use it for themselves. You are mine Jungkook and you’ll always will!”

 

“ENOUGH!” I yelled out of pain and shock. “Enough V!” and I am starting to cry. “I love you V, I really do but…. But……” I’m stuttering and I am really, really emotional. “I thought I’d accept everything you do, whether nice or not so nice, I thought in time you’ll learn to love me back, I thought that you’d treat me nicer if I give you everything you want….. but V, I can’t do this any longer,”

 

“I knew you would just leave me like the others,” V said and I can sense something in his voice. “If you want to go, then just go!”

 

“People don’t leave you because they want, people leave you because you wanted them to leave you but know this, I love you V,” I said one last sentence and I ran out. I thought I was living in a fairytale and would eventually my happy ending would come but this is not the case this time. Fairytales are not real!

 

~~~~~

 

I spent my winter break thinking about V and even my mom is nosing why I am a little uneasy and anxious. I know I should have fun but I can’t really, knowing the manner of my break-up with V, I just can’t.

 

“Jungkook, what’s been bothering you? You were all quiet since Busan,” Eomma asked. “I thought you’re be alright once we’re back here in Seoul,”

 

“I’m okay eomma, no need to worry over me,”

 

“If there’s something you want to talk with, don’t hesitate to approach me okay?”

 

“Yes eomma! Thanks!”

 

After a few days classes begins again, normally I would all be super excited by now but I’m afraid to go to school but I guess I don’t have a choice but to show up and pray that I would not meet V in the campus.

 

“So how’s Busan?” Jimin-hyung asked as soon as I was seated.

 

“Nothing peculiar, normal,” I responded in a very low tone, I know I owe him an apology and I just have to say that to him. “I’m sorry Jimin-hyung,” The guilt was suppressing me, Jimin-hyung shouldn’t be hear those words, he’s nice and he’s a good friend.

 

“No need to be sorry Jungkook, it was not your fault,”

 

“No hyung, it was. I played a great part with what V said to you and with that, I’m truly and sincerely sorry,”

 

“Okay, if you insist that it’s your fault, I forgive you. Can be revert back to normal now? I don’t want melodramatic moments,” he smiled.

 

“Sure,” I guess it worked well with Jimin-hyung, now my only problem is V.

 

The bell signaling that it’s lunch rang. Jimin-hyung invited me to have lunch with him and I happily agreed and I think this is one way to show him that I’m really sorry. We’re now walking in the hallways to the cafeteria but then V appeared.

 

“Jimin-hyung…” I grabbed Jimin and we changed course.

 

“Jungkook? The cafeteria’s that way,” he pointed out.

 

“I just thought that we can talk more if we took the longer route,”

 

“This is not the longer route? We’re going in circles?” Jimin commented. “You don’t have to deny things Jungkook, I saw V, I bet you’re avoiding him,”

 

“Yeah, Jimin-hyung. I just don’t have the courage to see him.

 

Every time V and I bumped to each other, sometimes I would run away or change course or hide in an empty classroom or cover my face with a book and dash pass them. These ninja moves of mine gone out for days and it’s quite tiring since I see him every day.

 

Now it’s Friday and the last day of the school week and I would not see V for the rest of the weekend and for the first time in forever, I was happy not seeing him.

 

“ you Jungkook!” this seems familiar but when every soul in homeroom was all scared as hell, I just ignored him and continued y conversation with Jimin-hyung.

 

“EVERYONE OUT! GET OUT YOU ERS!” V shouted and I’m like who is he? The president of the country? But my classmates just bolted out of the door as V commanded. Seriously? You’re afraid of an attention-seeker, bipolar, emotionally challenged sophomore?

 

“Jimin-hyung, can you go ahead? I think I need to talk with him. he’s acting super childish!”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah Jimin-hyung,” I smiled and gladly he went out with V making so much of it. As soon as Jimin was out of homeroom, I packed my things and paced to the door.

 

“Where the hell are you going?”

 

“None of your business and besides you said that everyone should go out,”

 

“ you Jungkook!”

 

“What F word you use on me, that wouldn’t count,”

 

“ you!

 

“I guess there’s no point in continuing this conversation,” I smiled.

 

“No, get inside!” he pushed me inside and closed the door. “Why were avoiding me?” he blurted once he was done locking the door.

 

“I’m not avoiding you,” I denied. Who thought the V actually would bring this up?

 

“ you! you! you!” and he’s shouting every in the world.

 

“Stop with your Fs V! And if I was avoiding you, what it is to you?”

 

“It’s ………..” he can’t answer me and I know why. I can’t hurt myself any longer.

 

I understand the silence V, that’s why I’m avoiding you. I’m nothing to you,”

 

“You’re not nothing to me,”

 

“V stop this nonsense already,” I said with a little hint of pain. “Stop keeping my hopes up, my hopes that one day you can love me the way I love you,” He fell into silence and I too fell into the deep pit and then melody of pain just played throughout the universe with my voice echoing the lyrics.

 

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t

You can’t make your heart feel something that it won’t

Here in the dark, in these final hours

I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

But you won’t, no you won’t

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t

 

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see

The love you don’t feel when you’re holding me

Morning will come and I’ll do what’s right

Just give me then to give up this fight

And I will give up this fight

 

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t

You can’t make your heart feel something that it won’t

Here in the dark, in these final hours

I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

But you won’t, no you won’t

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t

 

“I can’t make you love me V, if you don’t,” I being really dramatic here. Who wouldn’t be? If you know that someone can’t love you and he’s still keeping your hopes up.

 

Another pit of silence fell upon us and I don’t know with this silence. But all through the stillness of the universe, he’s melody come singing to me and I started to cry.

 

Come up to meet you

Tell you I’m sorry

You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

 

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh let’s go back to the start

Running in circles; coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

 

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

 

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science; science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

 

I feel the sincerity in his voice, every little note, every tone, every pitch, I can feel him. I feel his pain, I feel his doubt, I feel his fears but all in all, I can feel his love.

 

Tell me you love

Come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

 

Nobody said it was easy

It’s such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

 

“Here I am standing in front of my great love, I am attempting to do something but I can’t, my mouth is shut and my brain is dead and I don’t even know what to do,” V declared.

 

 “That’s my line,” I said with a smile forming in my still weeping face.

 

“I’m sorry Jungkook, I never let feel that you’re special. I thought you’ll be the same, that you will leave once you’re done with me but I’m fool, you did not leave me, I forced you to stay out of my life.”

 

“V,” I implored and he’s pacing towards me, every step is like he’s striding a mile.

 

“Jungkook, I love you. Ever since I saw you entering the gates of the school, I knew I fell for you,”

 

“You did?”

 

“Yeah, that’s also the reason why I always come to the Council office to see you. That’s why when you confessed you love me, I accepted without any hint of doubt, because I love you,”

 

“You fool! Here I am thinking that you hated me, that you pitied on me, that you never love me! You should’ve said that! You should’ve at least said that!”

 

“I know and for that I’m sorry,” V apologized. “I was scared but you know what I feared more? It was the feeling that you’ll not be with me. I love you Jungkook and I would make you feel that you’re special everyday that we’re together, just give me a chance again,”

 

“You know, that I would give you a million chances,” and I started to be more emotional. “I love you V!”

 

“No need of calling me V,” he smiled. “I’m Kim Taehyung, sophomore, Jungkook’s boyfriend and he’s mine,” he held the back of my head and kissed me. This time it was chaste and filled of longing and love. I feel that he is really in love with me and now there are no doubts, no disbeliefs, no incertitude.

 

---

 

A/N:

(1) Thank you for all the support guys.

(2) Songs are I Can't Make You Love Me by Bon Iver and The Scientist by Coldplay

(3) This is my first Vkook Fic. Don't worry, Kaisoo will be back!

(4) Please tell me your thoughts, the comment box is always open!