Chapter 12

DAUNTLESS

 

“You’re late!” Baekhyun blurted out once I was seated. “And you’re with Kai?”

 

“Yeah!!!!!??? What about Chanyeol?” Jongdae asked. “Did you break up with him? Did Kai make you break up with him?”

 

“First of all, I’m not late I am 15 minutes early,” I breathed in for another explanatory sentence. “Secondly, I was with Jongin and thirdly, Chanyeol and I are off as friends,”

 

“Friends?” Jongdae yelled. “But he’s great,”

 

“I know, but I can’t like him that way Jongdae,” I explained. “I guess I will hurt him more if I let him believe that there’s even a little chance of us being together, I can’t hurt him that much, he’s an important friend,”

 

“But with Kai?” Jongdae asked. “He’s not ideally single and available,”

 

“I know,”

 

“Are you sure you’re the Kyungsoo I know?” Baekhyun asked. “The Kyungsoo who’ll put logic first before emotion?”

 

“I’m not sure either,” I sighed.

 

“Hey, hey, c’mon, don’t sigh on me,”

 

“I know, but I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m checkmated, left in a corner surrounded and I have nowhere to go,”

 

“That’s quite a mess,” Jongdae said. “But, you still have us,”

 

“Thanks man,” that was the most cordial statement Jongdae has ever said in our more than a decade long friendship.

 

“One more thing, is Jongin coming over for lunch?” Baekhyun asked.

 

“Nope, he’s eating with his girlfriend,”

 

“Good,” Baekhyun smiled. “This time, you’ll eat with your ‘bestest’ friends,”

 

“That sounds like a good idea,” I smiled.

 

“Yeah, it really sounds like one!” Jongdae commented.

 

Honestly, I missed these guys at lot. I’ve been preoccupied with the Showcase and Chanyeol and Jongin that I forgot about these people. I’m really sorry guys; I’ll make it up to you!

 

Lunch came and we all headed to the Cafeteria. “What are getting for lunch Soo?” Baekhyun asked.

 

“I brought lunch, eomma made me lunch today,”

 

“I missed your mom’s cooking by the way,” Jongdae commented. “We were the only ones that can taste your mom’s culinary expertise but here came Kai and Chanyeol and snatched all of that from us,”

 

“Shut up,” I smacked him in the head. “We could always have meals at my place anytime just like old times,” I realized that I really missed a lot of things and worst I forgot my friends, the only people that stood by me throughout these years. That’s really bad so as an advice, if you enter the Kingdom of Love never forget your friends. They’ll help you out in any way, even though they’re smartasses and nosy gossipers, they will never leave you and take that from someone who took his friends for granted, like me!

 

“I liked that idea,” Baekhyun affirmed.

 

“But for now let’s eat, I’m starving,” I stated. I’m really hungry now and the food is just too inviting. While having lunch, we have casual talks like we used too, laughed like we’re all alone in this crowded cafeteria. I missed this guys and I am thankful that they’re still here.

 

~~~~~

 

Another school day has passed and it’s getting closer to winter break and that is quite interesting, no more hassle, no more studies, no more classes at least for a few weeks.

 

“Soo, Kai is here,” Baekhyun said as he elbowed me.

 

“I’ll be leaving now,” I bid my farewell to them.

 

“Bye bye, see you tomorrow okay,” Jongdae said.

 

“Yeah, see you tom,” I replied to Jongdae and walked hastily to Jongin. “You’re early?”

 

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I was wondering if you could wait me. We still have dance practice,”

 

“Okay,” I agreed. “I don’t have anything else to do so watching you dance would be a good idea,”

 

He just chuckled and with that we proceeded to pace to Terp’s lair. The saunter was, I guess, all ordinary; we talked about what happened today, just that. Like normal couples but in my case, we’re having a complicated something, it’s not a relationship and I don’t know what to call this thing we have.

 

“Looks like you’re in a good mood now,” Sehun said when we arrived.

 

“Yeah, now that Soo’s here, you’re all smiley and stuff and that’s yuck, terribly gross!” Tao blurted. Seriously, you really can’t stop teasing Jongin.

 

“Just let them be Soo! No one can make fun of Kai when you’re not around,” I bet Chanyeol really could read my mind.

 

I gave a puzzled look. “Seriously?”

 

“When he’s with you Soo-hyung, he’s all flowery and nice… far from the evil Kai we all know,” Tao said pouting. Did I mention that he’s a baby in a teen’s body? I guess I have but he really is, he really is an angel. “He’s evil and the worst part he is coming for you Soo-hyung so be careful with this demon, he devours almost everything with a breath!”

 

I must tell you Tao, I’ll always be ready to be devoured by this demon. Why did I think of that? I’m all erted, you’re disgusting Do Kyungsoo.

 

However, I chuckled knowing that he’s all Mr. Good when I’m with him and when I looked at Jongin he’s all cherry red. “Shut the up,” Jongin yelled adding the redness in his face now. I swear, if you could see Jongin now, he’s not the bad boy he used to be and I think this is a good thing.

 

“C’mon guys, stop teasing him we still have practice,” Chanyeol voiced.

 

“Yeah, yeah! You’re all ruining the fun Yeol,” Sehun commented.

 

“We’re starting hyung,” he said.

 

“Gather up everyone,” Chanyeol yelled.

 

I paced to a table near their bulletin board and made myself comfortable. I bet all of the club’s members are here, from the freshmen to the seniors and they’re quite numerous I must say. A few words of instruction from Jongin then the music boomed. Despite their number, they are really, I mean really, really in sync. They move as if they are one, this must be the magic of the Dance Club. Once you hate them you’ll end up loving them because of how they dance.

 

After a few dance routines, Jongin and Sehun showed the moves they choreographed. It’s really y and adding the one who’s dancing, the sun fail in comparison with Jongin’s hotness now. The two taught their dance and I saw how each of them can quickly grasp each movement. They all saw it once but they can dance it like a pro. I must say, they are really good at this. I wish Jongin’s academics will be as stellar as his dancing but he’s not failing anymore but it’s still far from average.

 

“I guess were done ers!” Jongin yelled. “Practice a bit more, you all slouch,”

 

Everyone laughed. Isn’t that an insult? Jongin’s words are plain form of insult and humiliation and why on earth are these people laughing about it? I can’t really decode what’s happening with those brains they have but never mind the brains, they’re laughing about it so I guess that’s good. After Jongin’s words they all proceeded to change and their doing it right now, no feeling of embarrassment, take off the wet shirt just like that and changed pants. Almost bodies are floating in this studio.

 

If you’re wondering why am I not really interested or flustered oor something, I’m not all gay you know. I like Jongin and him alone, I don’t get wet dreams because of other men. I tried liking Chanyeol but all I can give is friendship. I still have identity crisis but it will pass. I hope!

 

“Hyung?” Jongin called breaking me in my metacognitive endeavors.

 

“Yeah,” I answered. He is pacing towards me displaying his half- body before me. “Get dressed will you?” I looked away to deny my eyes of any sight of this man’s body.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“This,”

 

“This? What?”

 

“You all topless and stuff. Don’t mind that, just get dressed and fast!” I heard a little chuckle from him and of course from his friends.

 

“Whatever you say hyung,” he replied. “I still don’t get it why you don’t want to see me ?”

 

“Because it’s embarrassing,” I replied. I am acting like a girl now, demure and all. I just ! “Can you wear something please?”

 

“Yeah!” Jongin said. “I’m all clothed hyung, you can look now,”

 

“That’s all good,” I stated.

 

“You’re too conservative Kyungsoo-hyung,” Sehun commented.

 

“Call me old-fashioned or stuff, I’m just not comfortable!” I replied.

 

“How come you can look at Sehun while he’s changing while you can’t look at me?” Jongin and his ever-comparative attitude, I must get used to that!

 

“You’re different!” I blurted out in embarrassment and I heard them all laugh, I’m all strawberry now. I’m not liking this feeling, I feel like I’m too weak to rebut their jokes.

 

“Whatever you say hyung,” he let out a little chuckle.

 

“Can we go now?”

 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “We’ll go ahead guys,” he bid his farewell to his friends.

 

“Bye everyone,” I also hastily stated my goodbyes as I am mustering all my speed to get out of the studio.

 

I walked maintaining a few steps of lead from him, I’m still not okay, I guess? It’s not every day that I see myself flustered and all, I need time to recover. “Hyung? You okay?”

 

“Yeah!” I answered and paced faster.

 

“Wait up!” he yelled. “What’s the matter with you?” he asked me when he was able to stop me from my walkathon.

 

“I don’t know,” I blurted. I really don’t know what I felt. I was embarrassed really.

 

“How come?” he gave me a puzzled look. “Do Kyungsoo doesn’t know? That’s new! You’re the smartest guy in the planet and you don’t know what’s wrong with you,” he chuckled. “I’ll tell you, judging from how red you are and how tensed your face looks like, I guess, I can safely deduce that you’re embarrass!” I remained silent and he continued to speak. “But the reason why you’re embarrass is still unknown… what is it hyung?”

 

“I guess I not used to being all caught in a corner and laughed upon and feeling flustered and all and feeling weird things and doing weird things and,”

 

“Stop it hyung,” he held my hand and squeezed it just a little bit. “I get it, you’re not used to my friends’ jokes and humor, don’t cha worry, I’ll tell them to try to be a little civilized,” he smiled.

 

“It’s not about that, I guess I need a little time to adapt and all,” I smiled and I don’t even know why am I having this kind of conversation with him! SIGH!

 

“Let’s just continue walking hyung but now you’ll walk with me not ahead of me, okay?” he said. I guess I’m just overreacting and stuff.

 

I hummed in reply and we continued to walk together. We had little talks about his practice and how he and Sehun choreographed their new dance and how it felt dancing, I simply listened to his words and he was just talking. I’m enjoying this, seeing a happy Jongin, genuinely happy and I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. However, his successive gunshots of words were halted when his attention focused somewhere else.

 

“Stay there hyung, I’ll be right back,” he said and proceeded to run to the school’s ballet studio. It’s almost 8 in the evening and were about to reach the gate and I’m sure no one is there by now so why is he in a hurry so out of curiosity I defied his clear orders for me to stay and ran to where he is.

 

Once I arrived at the entrance of the studio, I collated my breath. Running is not an easy job people! “Jongin?” I called him but he seemed to be glued unto something inside the studio so I decided to walk to him and to my horror I saw Jongin flooding his tears. His eyes were all watery and it’s like it will never stop.

 

I decided to look upon what Jongin is gazing with fear and when my eyes finally met what he saw my eyes popped out, I was shocked and this time, multiply that shock level by a million or even a billion more. It’s Krystal kissing another man and the guy was the captain of the Football Team.

 

After a few moments of not knowing how to react, Krystal made eye contact with me and instantly stopped the kissing session she shared with another man, then, the worst came. Jongin is now marching towards them and they’re brawling. I know that the guy is more muscled and has an athletic build but Jongin’s experience being a street fighter is more than enough to beat his muscles.

 

They punched each other and I saw blood from both of them but then Jongin had the chance to corner him and punch him in the face and he’s not stopping. If he does not stop this he’s gonna kill him, act now Kyungsoo, you’re just standing there! ACT! STOP HIM! Do whatever it takes to stop him! But the problem was I can’t really move, honestly speaking, it’s like gravity is a thousand times stronger here.

 

“I’m gonna ing kill you,” Jongin yelled out as he punched the guy who is far too weak to counterattack.

 

“Kai! Please! Stop!” Krystal pleaded and she was all crying.

 

Jongin stop beating Krystal’s other man and proceeded to march towards Krystal and from that moment I quickly snapped out of my shocked trance and ran towards Krystal.

 

“How can you do this to me?” Jongin is marching and his blooded fist is still clench. “How could you?”

 

“Kai stop!” Krystal pleaded again. “I can explain,”

 

He was about to punch Krystal when I got in between them. “Jongin stop!” I yelled.

 

“Go away hyung,” Jongin roared.

 

“Please stop,” use all your influence upon him Kyungsoo, muster everything! “You don’t really have the right to get angry,” I was being honest. He caught Krystal cheating on him but what about us? Aren’t we like cheating on Krystal as well?

 

“Go away hyung!” he shouted and it was vociferous, thunderous.

 

“No!” I declared. “Use that fist again and it will land directly towards me, I will not let you hurt her physically,”

 

“Hyung!” He shouted and clenched his fist hardly. His eyes are like hungry lions who want to ambush his prey. Even I cannot assess if he’s gonna punch me or not.

 

“Krystal go out, take him with you, the clinic is still open. I’ll deal with this,” I said while maintaining eye contact with Jongin. “What are you waiting for? Go!”

 

She proceeded to walk in shaky legs and grabbed his beaten lover. Once I was sure that she was gone I began to speak to Jongin again.

 

“Stop this, please?” I held his fist which are as hard as stones and made an effort to relax them.

 

“Stop this, please!” I held his cheeks with my hands and looked him straight in the eye. “Look at me! He avoided my gaze but I pleaded once more. “Look at me! Only look at me, no one is here, just the two of us. I’m still here! I’m always here! I’ll be by your side no matter what happens, just look at me.

 

“Hyung,” he softly whispered as his tears are beginning to build up.

 

“Every time you are feel you’re all alone, look back and I’ll be there smiling welcoming you with open arms, for you are not alone, you are with me, always!” I said in a soothing voice. “No one will hurt you now, I’m here!”

 

With my words, his tears fell and it was large drops of rain. He was crying all his heart out. “I’m here! I will protect you, I will be there, I will be your shoulder!” He hugged me tighter and his head is buried in my shoulders. I can feel the wetness in my left shoulder blade. I embraced him in response. “I’m here!”

 

“Hyung,” he let out a soft and painful exclamation but his face is buried in my shoulder. We stayed like this for a while. I want him to pour every pain he feels right now to me.

 

He broke our lock of embrace and paced a step backward far from me. “Can I be alone for sometime hyung? You don’t deserve half of my heart,”

 

I was struck with those words. I just droned in agreement but deep inside I am crying, he’s falling away from me.

 

“Take all the time in the world,” I faked a smile. I can’t cry with him still in front of me. I am holding back my tears and it seems to be a strenuous job.

 

He nodded and proceeded to walk away. I never felt pained like this! Every step he takes is like a mile away from me. “Kim Jongin!” I called him when he was about to walk out of the entrance and gladly he stopped. “I’ll be waiting! Come back to me! Please, come back to me,”

 

He did not reply, even a hint, even a letter or even his facial expression is blank. I don’t know if he’s coming back to me.

 

I mustered all my courage with those words and by the time he was gone I broke down in sorrow. The pain of seeing him in pain is immeasurable but the pain of knowing he let go of me was more than devastating. I wish I held you tighter when you were with me, I wish I was the one you first loved. I wish I can take that pain away in an instance.

 

When me and my world is falling apart, how do I stay whole when a part of me just went away but this the time I have to be strong for Jongin, this is the time to take away all the fears and trust that he will come back to me, in my arms where I can hold him. I must have faith and become fearless for our love, I must be dauntless!