Chapter 12
Call Me JB HyungCall Me JB Hyung - Chapter 12
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I lifted my head at the sudden words.
My heart skipped a beat before I realized my reaction was strange. So I smiled wide in nervousness before hitting JB hyung on the arm and giggling.
"I like you too hyung." I said, pausing to lower my head in embarrassment. "If we are going to be so honest today...I'm really glad I met you. You've really changed my life. You and the guys. I'm really glad to be your friend." I said, still smiling in embarrassment, hoping he didn't laugh at me.
A short silence passed.
We caught eyes before I quickly looked away after realizing my own words.
"It's embarrassing to say but I want you to know too now." I quickly said.
"Youngjae."
"Hm?" I lifted my head and caught eyes with him again.
"I like you."
This time his tone was different. The way he said it was different. He sounded as if-
My heart started beating fast, the speed of my heart when I get nervous.
I couldn't stop my hand from suddenly hitting him once again. He stared at me, not moving an inch. I thought he would be mad or try to pull me into a ticklish neck hold but JB hyung didn't move an inch either. I also didn't want him to touch me.
My heart dropped when his words repeated in my mind.
What's this sudden feeling?
I clutched my chest and lowered my head.
Is this really the joke they were planning on me? The only time I've seen you this serious was the first day I met you.
"Hyung..."
"I don't know what it is. I like being around you..." JB hyung paused and ran his free hand through his hair before he sighed. "I don't know what this is. I'm sorry." he apologized.
I stared at him, still confused.
What is he trying to say? How can he joke like this? It's not funny at all. Did Jackson hyung really manage to make him do this?
"It's not funny." I said, hoping he saw into my pleading eyes for him to stop playing me as a fool just because they think I'm innocent and gullible.
We stared at each other. A long time of staring.
JB hyung didn't look angry, so I hit him again and again, the same place, before he suddenly grabbed both my arms and we ended up staring at one another once again.
Why is it always like a drama with him now?
"Stop joking hyung." I said once again, a chuckle escaping me. "You're saying it strangely. It's really not funny." I said frowning, hoping he would stop.
"I'm not joking." he simply replied.
I stared at him. He looked serious. I've never seen this new face before. He wouldn't stop looking at me so I looked away first.
"Don't lie hyung." I said, laughing in nervousness at his look.
What is he trying to say? Why does he say it so strange?
"I'm not." he said in a even more serious tone than earlier.
I stayed quiet, not believing him.
How can JB hyung out of everyone be the one to be doing this?
"You think I'll lie about something like this?" he suddenly asked, still in a serious tone, a look of annoyance on his face now. "It's not like I want to be saying this, but I'm serious. Believe me." he said squeezing his hold on my arms.
I forgot he was still holding my arms. My gaze slowly moved towards his hold and JB hyung quickly let me go. So I lowered my head and kept it lowered.
This doesn't make sense. This is a terrible joke. It's not funny at all. Why do you guys always joke with me?
"Why?" I surprisingly found myself asking.
I lifted my head and we caught eyes once again. We played the usual game for a few minutes.
"I...don't really know." he paused. "You have such an open heart." he mumbled.
I lowered my head quickly once again.
What does that mean? He sounds so serious but this isn't new...they always act like this when they're lying to me.
"I really like that." he continued.
A short silence passed.
"So tell me..." he said, pausing.
I looked up to see JB hyung still staring at me. It was a look that I've never seen before, a really new look.
"Is it okay? Can you accept me?" he asked.
"Hyung..." I paused.
My chest started going wild. It's like my heart suddenly wanted to start skipping beats. I slowly looked up at him. He just stared straight at me.
I don't know what to do when you're being so serious. I can't tell if you're lying or not anymore.
"Please stop if it's some joke between you and Jackson hyung. You know this has never happened to me before." I finally said, standing up. "You two were whispering around together and now you're saying this...this...it's really not funny." I said, now pleading so he understood. I came to help him with his work not fight with him about a joke.
We've never really had a fight before...I don't want to start now.
"I said I'm not." he suddenly said. He looked irritated.
But I was beginning to become irritated as well.
"Then why would you say that if you're not lying to me hyung? Is this why you asked me to come here? I have work to do too..." my irritation slowly turned into anger. I've never really yelled at the guys to stop with their jokes, but I've never really had to until now.
Why do they always do this?
JB hyung suddenly stood up. I looked at him.
He looks angry. I wonder if he can tell that I'm angry too. Will he stop now?
"I don't know why either, but I just can't keep lying to myself Youngjae!" he suddenly yelled.
A short silence passed, his loud voice shocked me.
He has never yelled at any of us before, even when he gets angry or irritated. I can tell that he keeps it in most of the time, maybe not to scare us.
"W-what?" I mumbled.
"Jinyoung once said that whenever you're around I smile like a fool." he said.
I stayed silent, trying to calm my heart down.
"I've been thinking about it ever since." he said. "I can't get you out of my head."
"Why won't you listen to me too!" I tried not to yell. At least my voice didn't sound like I was yelling. "This isn't funny hyung...I'll be really mad it you and Jackson hyung are playing a joke on m-"
"Idiot think about it!"
I flinched at his slightly louder voice as I stared at him. He lowered himself down and suddenly grabbed my hands. I could only stare as he started playing with my hands a little before letting them fall and standing up again.
I stared at him.
"I'm comfortable...around you." he said.
He looked away from my stare, his hand slowly covering half of his face.
I continued staring at him in silence.
"Don't you realize that I've been calling you every day? More than usual?" he asked.
My eyes could only focus on him. I didn't know where he was trying to go with his words. I didn't know whether to believe the lie and let him joke with me or get angry that they always call me innocent and play with my feelings.
I won't let you humiliate me and call me innocent anymore. We're friends right? Why do you guys go this far?
"I feel strange saying it too." he lowered his hand and finally looked straight at me, his gaze surprising me. It took a lot for me to not look away.
A moment of silence passed.
"Do you still not know?" he asked, now a look of even more annoyance on his face. I watched as one of his eyebrows arched up. He had a strange look on his face. The same face he had just moments ago, expect now with even more emotion.
What a great actor. Is he preparing for the industry now with his new job? What does he want me to say? Why is he taking this joke so far?
I opened my mouth, then closed it. This time I started fidgeting with my hands. I didn't want to make JB hyung angry, but he was making me angry by continuing to play a joke that's not funny.
"Hey."
"Yes?" I replied nervously.
"You know I didn't know what Jinyoung was talking about either for a while."
I nodded - only response I could give him.
"Why do you think I always smile when you're around?" he suddenly asked me.
I wondered why he was asking me, and when I couldn't think of an answer I panicked.
What does he want me to reply? He smiles when we're all around. I smile like a fool too because I'm with everybody. Isn't he taking this joke a little too far? He's so determined. Did Jackson pay him or something? Why would they go this far though?
A long silence passed. JB hyung just stared at me. It felt like I was sweating a pool but I wasn't. My thoughts all mixed together in my head.
"I...I don't know." I finally replied. "I just want you to stop joking with me hyung."
He suddenly lowered himself down and I sat down too and scooted back a little from him. He smiled lightly, which only made me move back some more.
If he's playing with me I'll be really mad.
"Hyung..."
Why are we alone again? Where are the guys? Isn't Jackson hyung in on this joke? When is he going to pop up and start laughing? I want this to be over now. It's not funny.
I looked around me, trying to figure out why I came to JB hyung's apartment in the first place. When I glanced at him he looked a bit angry again, but I couldn't tell what exactly his expressionless staring meant and it was making my heart start beating even faster and louder.
Can he hear that? Where is Jackson hyung? Why are we alone? What is he going to do?
I sat still in silence as JB hyung moved closer towards me. I closed my eyes in fear, but I could tell when he finally made it in front of me, his breathing hitting my hair that rubbed on my forehead.
When I opened my eyes he was sitting on the table in front of me, so close that it's why I could feel his breathing on my face.
My heart continued beating faster and faster. So fast.
My hands clenched in a watery mixture that could only be sweat from nervousness.
Is Jackson hyung going to jump out now? Is he going to finally admit he's joking around? Can they please stop? My heart is beating like crazy.
"It's because I couldn't tell you Youngjae." JB hyung's voice sounds even more deep when you're trying to ignore what he's saying. I quickly closed my eyes once again.
Tell me what? Why are you doing this? Making me feel this way? What's the point of going this far? What are you trying to prove? That I'm really innocent? Don't you all already know? Did you guys bet on this or something? Why are you making me think you're telling the truth?
He suddenly laughed.
"I don't know what this is either." he said.
I still had my eyes closed, and his breath still hit my hair that rubbed against my forehead.
"Can you tell me what this is?" he asked.
I shook my head no.
Tell me why you're making me feel like this hyung.
You like me?
You really like...me?
Suddenly I couldn't feel his presence anymore. I slowly opened my eyes and JB hyung was standing where he stood earlier, staring down at me.
"I'm sorry for scaring you." he apologized. "This was a joke, but you didn't fall for it." he chuckled.
I wanted to kill him, to hit him, to yell for making me so nervous, but I didn't do any of it. My heart suddenly fell in dejection as I lowered my head.
Why did I even think it was true for one second?
I looked up at JB hyung.
I'm a boy.
"I'm sorry." he apologized again.
I shook my head quickly.
"It's okay." I quickly replied, staring at my hands for a few moments. I was so confused and angry at the same time that I didn't know what to do for a long time. Until I finally decieded to get up and leave.
My chest hurts again. Why do I feel like this? Am I really angry?
"These jokes aren't funny hyung." I said, nervously chuckling.
I didn't want to leave with the kind of atmosphere still hanging around between us, but it didn't look like it was going to change and suddenly my chest hurt even more.
"If you don't need help I'm going home now...I don't know...what to feel right now hyung." I admitted.
What was all of that? Why does my chest hurt so much?
I couldn't think about anything else besides what happened as I made my way home. My heart didn't let me forget either. I figured it was due to the anger. I've never really been so angry before, even at my dad.
JB hyung offered to drive me more than once but I declined and called a taxi, even if it cost so much money. He didn't want me to, trying to call Mark to bring Jr hyung's car, but I said no again, and then he finally let me go.
Why would he go so far with a joke? Liking me? Me? I'm a boy.
Now I can't forget this feeling.
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I thought it was only that night because of my anger at the joke, but the week that came by after the night of that horrible joke, my heart felt like it was being squeezed. I didn't see JB hyung at all, even when BamBam and Yugyeom pulled me to the dance studio.
After using excuses to answer the guy's questions about us, because JB hyung declined their offers to hang too, I started not answering any more of their questions.
While my heart hurt, my mind was also stuck on that night.
Is JB hyung...gay? He can't be. Im Jaebum? No. He had a girlfriend. He likes a girl from his school. He can't like me. He thinks of me as a friend right? Like a brother. It was only a joke? So...why am I still thinking about what he-
"Youngjae."
A hand landed on my shoulder and I looked up from my book to see Jr hyung.
"H...hyung...w-what are you doing here? How did you know I was here?" I quickly asked.
He shocked me. I thought it was JB hyung.
"Where's your phone?" he asked.
"My phone?"
I watched as Jr hyung picked up my bag and started looking through it. He finally found my phone and turned it on. I felt embarrassed.
Does he know?
All of the notifications started making noise and I lowered my head and started playing with my coffee cup. I don't even know how I ended up at the cafe either.
"We've all called you. It's only two more days until your graduation and you won't even pick up your calls." Jr hyung said.
"I'm sorry." I apologized.
"No your not." he said, sitting down in the empty seat in front of me. Usually I would just buy the drink and leave, but I wanted to stay today. I didn't care if I was alone.
I had a lot to think about.
I watched Jr hyung order a drink and then sit in silence in front of me. I suddenly felt terrible.
A short silence passed between us as I read a few pages of my book in silence and Jr hyung started playing with my phone. He didn't look at me once, even when I glanced at him a few times.
I wonder what he's looking fo-
"Jaebum hyung called you too."
I paused, mid page. I didn't look up but could tell that he was staring hard at me.
Did JB tell them? But the joke didn't go as planned so it doesn't matter right?
A sudden heartache started again and I marked my book and closed it.
"What did JB say?"
"JB? So your not using hyung anymore?"
I felt my face heat up in embarrassment.
"N-no." I said nervously. Jr hyung sometimes makes me nervous without even trying. It's like he can get everything out of me, so I immediately tried not to tell him what I have been feeling since that night.
"JB hyung didn't say anything. He's ignoring our questions even more than you are." he said. "Did you two fight?"
"No." I quickly replied.
A short silence passed.
It seems Jr hyung was waiting for me to tell him what was wrong if it's true that me and JB hyung didn't get into a fight.
We didn't. There was no yelling. I was angry for only a few minutes. We didn't get into a fight at all.
Then why are you ignoring him?
The question went through my head instantly.
"What happened?" Jr hyung suddenly asked.
"Jackson hyung knows." I said.
"Huh?" he looked confused.
"They played another joke on me and it wasn't funny. I was irritated but I'm not anymore." I admitted. I could tell him about the joke. Only the joke.
The joke that started this sudden heartache that won't go away.
"What was the joke?"
"I don't want to talk about it." I quickly answered.
"Youngjae."
"Hyung I don't really-"
"Just tell me."
"No." I quickly replied. It almost sounded like a yell, so I apologized quickly after.
A long silence passed after this.
I ordered another americano coffee, and was surprised when Jr hyung didn't say anything when usually he would.
"What happened?"
No matter how hard I tried, I wasn't going to get away from not telling Jr hyung anything. The persistent Jr hyung is his nickname.
How can I even hide anything from him?
Sighing loudly I lowered my head.
I also really can't keep secrets.
"Let's go in your car hyung." I said.
We paid for our drinks and left to his car. We sat in his car for a few moments in silence. I read my book during those moments before I closed it, sighed loudly, and closed my eyes.
"What happened?" Jr hyung quickly asked.
I opened my eyes and turned towards my side of the window. With my chin in my hand and my elbow holding me up I started talking.
"JB hyung said he likes me. I knew it was a joke from the beginning. He played it out for a long time, but in the end he said it was a joke. It made me mad." I said.
"You're mad that he played a joke on you?"
"No." I quickly answered. "I'm not mad."
A short silence passed.
"I never get mad...not always. I'm not anymore." I finally said. "I was never really mad just annoyed that they would take joking this far. You know I've never been confessed to before. You guys joke that I'm innocent...well...I really am. So to go this far with a joke..." I paused.
Jr hyung's hand landed on my arm.
"Youngjae."
"I almost believed it." I finally admitted. "I almost believed it and when he admitted it was a joke it hit me harder than I thought it would.
A long silence passed.
I couldn't look at Jr hyung in fear of doing something embarrassing.
"I don't even know why I thought it was true for a second. He kept saying it and his reasons and everything and the more he said it the more my chest hurt and then it started beating fast and then I had a little hope to believe...then it was crushed. I was mad at the beginning but now I'm just...heartbroken."
"Do you like Jaebum?"
Jr hyung's sudden question was straight to the point. I couldn't answer it. I didn't answer him. We sat in his car in silence for a long time.He finally dropped me home when he realized I wasn't going to answer.
After taking off my shoes I went straight to my bed and fell on it, staring at the ceiling.
Do I like JB hyung? Not as a friend? But I'm a guy. How is that even possible?
"My chest hurts." I whispered to myself.
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"Youngjae!" my mom's voice yelled loudly throughout the house as she called for me. She wanted me up early to start preparing for the graduation ceremony. She wanted to go get my hair cut.
I couldn't fight with her, so after taking a shower I got in her car and she drove me to go get a hair cut. There wasn't much of a difference though. Some hair still covered my forehead in a side swoop. She had the stylist also style it for me though. I'm glad she didn't force me to get a perm though.
I just watched as she clapped happily at the results of my hair. Soon after this she rushed me to a restaurant to eat.
All I could still think of was the conversation with Jr hyung...and the joke JB and Jackson hyung played on me to get a reaction.
"Youngjae."
"I said your phone is ringing."
My mom pointed towards my phone and I slowly picked it up, staring at the screen before quickly picking up.
"Hyung."
"Hey Youngjae. Are you feeling any better today?"
I smiled at Jr hyung's question.
"I'm fine now. I'm really not mad anymore." I said laughing.
"I don't mean that." he quickly said.
My smile disappeared and a short silence passed.
"Huh?"
"How do you feel about my question? Can you answer it now?" he asked.
"Huh?" I said again in confusion.
"Do you like Jaebu-"
"Hyung." I interrupted him and looked up at my mom who was staring at me.
"Mom."
"Hm?"
"I need to go to the bathroom." I quickly said getting up.
I didn't wait for her reply but heard her yell at me to hurry so we could leave.
"Hyung." I said again.
"Is that a yes?" Jr hyung asked.
"It's impossible." I replied.
"What's impossible?" he asked.
"That...that's impossible." I said, suddenly feeling that heartache in my chest again. "Besides...JB hyung is...he's straight." I whispered the last part. "And I'm not..." I paused. "I'm not like that either." I finally said.
"I know that." he replied.
"Then how could you think something like this hyung? How could it even be possible? JB hyung has a girlfriend now too..." I said.
"But he doesn't..."
A short silence passed.
"Honestly we all know but you Youngjae."
"Huh?"
"But that's why you're our innocent Youngjae. I talked to everyone and we're going to stop with the bullying for a little while. I'm just letting you know Mark and Jackson and I are coming to the graduation. I'm sure Yugyeom and BamBam will already be there."
Another short silence passed.
I'm the innocent one.
I really wanted to ask about JB hyung, and it seems Jr hyung could suddenly read my mind through the phone.
"I don't know about Jaebum. He's been meeting with his company recently." Jr hyung suddenly said.
"I didn't ask about him." I quickly said.
He started laughing.
"I have to go back to work now." he paused. "You didn't ask but I know."
"Hyung it's not-"
"The next time just do what I said. Tell him you like him too. Let him know. Trust me."
The dial tone rang and I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at it. I stood there for a few more moments before walking back to my mom.
We left the restaurant only a few moments later.
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I didn't think the joke would change my attitude so much. As I was putting my uniform on I suddenly thought of what Jr hyung told me to say. I suddenly thought of what JB hyung said.
What if he was really-
"But it doesn't make sense. I'm a guy." I said to myself.
"What doesn't make sense?"
I turned around to both my parents standing at my door. I stared at them.
"Don't be nervous. This is what you were waiting for right? Now we don't have a lot of control over you. You're a young man now Youngjae." my dad said.
I smiled and nodded.
"Don't forget this."
My mom walked up to me and in my hair, really out of no where, she put a flower in my hair.
I laughed and tried to take it out.
She complained for a little but let me take it out and then left my room and came back with more flowers.
"If you're not wearing that then here. We were going to give it to you later during the ceremony." she said.
I nodded and took the flowers from her.
She smiled and suddenly pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back tightly.
"We have to go now. You can't be late to your own graduation young man." I laughed at my dad's sudden words. It seems that he really only wanted me to graduate to consider me an adult.
I quickly grabbed my jacket and we left for my school.
"Your friends called me earlier. They will meet us there." my mom said. Her words only reminded me of what I wanted to forget.
Will JB hyung come?
I stayed in silence even after I was dropped off and I hurried into my classroom where everyone gathered for a few minutes before we all started heading towards the sports building. It was crowded with students everywhere. I quickly found a spot to sit and wait for the ceremony to start.
I played with the flowers while waiting.
It all didn't take long.
By the time I heard the call of my name and I turned around to see the guys sitting together, it hit me that I was really graduating. Besides wondering where JB hyung was and why I didn't see him, I also finally realized that I was leaving high school.
Some of the teachers came and spoke first, before the principal came with a wide smile on his face congratulating my grade for finally graduating. It seemed like short speeches from everyone but when I looked at my watch, hours already passed.
It took a lot longer than expected for them to start calling us up.
It really felt like I was dreaming. It was when I finally got up to the principal that I saw JB hyung. Hidden behind my mom and Mark hyung. I felt a smile slowly form on my face.
He came!
Our principal suddenly began reading out my name and my achievements. I felt a little embarrassed but even more proud.
After he handed me my diploma, we shook hands and I was given the okay to to go back down. A couple of pictures were taken and I walked back to my seat in excitement, because of two things.
After I received my diploma the time went by fast. I watched as everyone went up and came back down. I was even surprised to see some of the trouble students that rarely ever came to class.
By the time I knew it the ceremony was over. The crowd behind us went wild in cheering as we all stood up and clapped, bowing on either side of us. I picked up the flowers and hurried towards the back.
After I found my parents, we quickly hurried outside where the real pictures started being taken.
My mom wouldn't stop.
I spotted the guys quickly and ran up to them in excitement.
"You did it!"
Jr and Mark hyung pulled me into a hug first. After that Jackson hyung pulled me into one and without warning I felt a kiss on my cheek.
"Hyung..." I whined in shock, wiping my cheek.
"Come on. It's your day." Jackson said hitting me on the shoulder. I laughed and nodded.
"We got these for you."
Yugyeom handed me some flowers and I took it and thanked him before pulling him into a hug. He quickly pulled me away and I laughed as BamBam pulled me into a hug.
"Where's-"
"Congratulations. You're finally done."
I turned around quickly at the familiar voice that I haven't heard in weeks...that I heard for the last time when I expressed my anger at his apartment.
"JB hyung..."
He was wearing the same outfit I saw him in the first day we met outside of the cafe. I could suddenly remember that day and how if it wasn't for that day we wouldn't even know each other.
JB hyung handed me another set of flowers and I laughed and thanked him.
"Where's his hug?"
I turned towards Jackson hyung who suddenly pushed me forward and just like Jackson's without warning kiss, JB hyung suddenly pulled me into a hug without warning. Unlike the day of his birthday though, he quickly let go.
Somehow I suddenly felt that familiar heartache.
JB hyung ignored my eyes like he usually does when something is wrong.
I know something is wrong? Why are you ignoring me? Are you mad at me? I'm the one that should be mad right?
I was about to say something to him when my mom interrupted me.
"You all get in a group. You have to take pictures!" she yelled.
In that crowded group of families and teachers, I took plenty of pictures with the guys, a few with my parents, and a lot with my mom and the guys together.
JB hyung didn't talk to me for the rest of that day. After we went out to eat, I went home with the familiar heartache, not even the thought of my graduation could cure it.
A few more days passed with pure silence. JB hyung didn't call me once, and I felt a little afraid to call him. I didn't know how to feel until Jr hyung invited me out one day and reminded me to say it again.
I like you. I like you too - but won't that make him even more mad? Why is he mad at me anyway?
I found myself laying on my bed after the day with Jr hyung. He helped me go look around for jobs, but it was when JB hyung suddenly called him to come to his house to talk about something, and I refused to go with that I realized something was really wrong.
"Youngjae! I need to leave now to go help at the shop. I left some food for you in the fridge. I'll be back with your dad."
I heard the sound of my mom's voice before the door closed and I sighed and got up.
"Why do I feel like this?" I asked myself in frustration.
Is this really the end of our friendship? Because of one little joke? Why are you so mad at me?
With this thought I picked up my phone and quickly pressed on the familiar contact number. It showed he hasn't contacted me at all in a week, which is really different considering for the past few months he's been contacting me a lot more.
I haven't either but it's not my fault is it? That was a terrible joke and he should know it himself.
The tone started ringing.
Just.
It continued to ring.
Pick.
The voicemail picked up.
Up.
I frowned at the phone and hung up.
I don't know when I decided to get up and walk to Yugyeom's house. I didn't realize I was at his house until he opened the door in surprise and let me in.
After taking off my shoes, I headed straight for his room and towards his bed without a word. Silence surrounded us even when I heard Yugyeom walk back into his room and put down a bottle of water for me, what he usually does whenever I come to his house after a fight with my dad.
What did I do wrong? Why do I feel like this?
The ache in my chest wouldn't go away. It's like the more I think of JB hyung, the more it hurts.
"Do you want to play a game?" Yugyeom suddenly asked.
I lifted myself off his bed and nodded. We played games for quite a while without any questions. Yugyeom usually waits for me to tell him what happened but I didn't want to tell him. I just wanted a hug all of a sudden.
He used to let me hug him a lot, before he one day announced that his new age wouldn't allow me to hug him every day. I tried not to cling on him much anymore after that.
Of course me and my dad had less and less arguments as I grew up.
I suddenly missed Yugyeom's hugs. It always helped me when my parents yelled at me before, but now I needed it for something else.
I think Yugyeom sensed it even before I walked up to him and hugged him, hiding my face with his shoulder. I always feel like I'm the younger one when I do this, but it always somehow makes me feel better.
My hold tightened around him and Yugyeom just let me hold him, not trying to pull me away like he would usually do.
I wonder when he changed. Or did I change?
"Another fight?" Yugyeom finally asked after a few moments of silence.
"Can't I just hug you?" I asked him.
Another short silence passed.
"I know you more than you know yourself hyung. What's wrong?" he asked again.
I sighed, but didn't let him go or reply to his question, hoping he would just give me time. I needed time. To think about everything.
JB hyung confessed as a joke, but maybe it's not a joke at all. Maybe Jr hyung is right. I don't know. I can't tell anymore, and now it hurts every time I think about it.
I made JB angry though right?
It's why he's avoiding me.
But he made me angry too. He should apologize for using me for unfunny jokes.
My mind started erupting in thoughts and flashbacks. I suddenly couldn't get JB hyung out of my head. My thoughts centered around him even more than it recently has.
I thought Yugyeom would let me hug him all night, but he pulled me away after I didn't answer his question.
"Go shower and sleep hyung. I'll have my mom call yours. You don't look very good." he said.
I smiled at Yhis rarely shown soft side. I missed this as well. Nodding, I followed his words and did what he told me to do, falling asleep as soon as I hit his bed.
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I woke up early at Yugyeom's house and after checking my phone to see missed calls, I called my mom to pick me up.
To get my mind over everything for a few moments, I decided to go with her to go shop.
After washing my face and finding the toothbrush I always use when I stay over at Yugyeom's house, I brushed my teeth and left a note before leaving.
"You look tired. Are you sure you want to go?" my mom looked at me in concern and I instantly smiled.
"I'm fine. I'm a little hungry." I admitted.
"We'll get something to eat first." she said.
The ride was in silence. I almost fell asleep but had a fight with myself to stay awake.
We stopped by a small restaurant and ate before we went to the grocery store and I watched as my mom picked up things she needed, occasionally asking me if I needed anything. In the end I didn't need anything, but she ended up buying some special ginseng tea that she was going to force on me because she said I didn't look well.
We arrived home earlier than I thought we would after my mom got a call from her friend. She left soon after.
I didn't even get a chance to lay down when my phone rang, and I quickly picked it up thinking it was JB.
I have to admit I was a little disappointed when Jackson hyung replied.
I didn't talk to Jackson the day after JB hyung played the joke on me, but I wasn't mad at him when we did finally talk. They always play jokes, I guess I have to learn to accept that.
"Hyung?
"You like singing right?"
"Huh?"
He's always goes straight to the point.
"There's this song I want you to listen to. Leader-sshi recommended it. We think you will like it."
"Huh?"
So he's picking up Jackson hyung's calls but not mine?
"I saw him on my way to work and we talked a little. I didn't want to go to work, but he forced me to. It just came up." Jackson said, as if responding to my thoughts.
"Are you guys planning a joke again?" I quickly asked.
"What are you talking about?"
"The joke. You two planned a joke on me about a week ago when you said JB hyung needed help. You told him to tell me he likes me. That wasn't a good joke hyung." I said, hoping I would get an apology from him too.
A short silence passed. I thought he hung up on me.
"Hyung?"
"I didn't plan any joke." Jackson suddenly said. His voice sounded serious. Jackson hyung always plays around but it's only a few times that I've seen him serious. I could imagine it.
"There was no joke. Just listen to the song. I'll send it as a message to you. Listen to it. Jaebum wants you to listen to it. I need to get to work."
The dial tone went off and I pulled the phone away and looked at it. The text for the song came seconds later.
"What does he mean it wasn't a joke?" I mumbled, staring at the message.
Some?
"JB hyung wants me to listen to it? I think I've already heard it before."
I quickly searched up the song, not expecting to hear exactly what Jackson hyung told me to listen to.
After listening to the song twice I put down my phone and laid on my bed in silence.
Jr hyung said I'm too innocent. He told me to say I like you too. Jackson hyung said it wasn't a joke. JB hyung...why have you been ignoring me?
I picked up my phone and listened to the song again.
"These days, it feels like you’re mine, it seems like you’re mine but not. It feels like I’m yours, it seems like I’m yours but not. These days, I hate hearing that I’m just like a friend." I sang the chorus of the song, the lyrics playing back in my own voice.
Jackson said JB hyung wants me to listen to it. He thinks that I will like it.
I played the song again.
"It feels like we’re lovers, it seems like we’re lovers but not. Whenever you see me, you act so vague to me. These days, I hate hearing that I’m just like a friend." I continued singing parts of the song that somehow managed to get stuck in my head.
After listening to the song a few more times I called him. I really wanted him to pick up.
But JB hyung didn't pick up.
I left him a message, hoping he would call back if he heard it.
With that I fell asleep and woke up to Yugyeom knocking on my door. I didn't even realize when my mom returned home. Yugyeom wanted me to come over to play some games.
My mom agreed and after we both ate, we left my house.
The games got my mind off of everything once again, after clinging on Yugyeom for too long he forced me to go shower and sleep.
I agreed after he beat me in more than one game for the first time since we were younger
.
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"Youngjae. Wake up."
A shaking to my shoulder made me slowly open my eyes. I looked up at Yugyeom before my eyes followed his and saw JB hyung standing behind him.
"I got your message. We're going to my place." he said.
"He wouldn't listen when I said you were asleep." Yugyeom said.
I nodded and got up.
We quietly left Yugyeom's house, and I didn't miss Yugyeom's all knowing look before we left.
The drive to JB hyung's apartment was longer than it has ever been before. Either because of our quietness or because I was still half asleep.
I don't even know how I got inside the apartment but I woke up again, eyes wide as soon as I realized the familiar room.
I quickly got up.
JB hyung sat near his desk, his head lowered.
It's the first time I've seen him this quiet, besides when he played that stupid joke on me.
Is he doing it again?
I suddenly remembered the conversation I had with Jr hyung in this room at the party they threw me a while back. With that I remembered all the times Jr hyung told me what to say to make JB hyung feel better.
I lowered my head, trying to figure out whether or not I should say it and risk my embarrassment.
JB hyung says he likes me. But it was a joke right? Or is it that kind of like? But he already likes someone. Should I really say it back? How should I say it back? What like is he saying and why do I keep thinking about it?
I lifted my head.
JB hyung finally looked at me. No, he stared at me, with no expression on his face.
I quickly lowered my head once again and stood up.
"I'm going to get some water hyung." I said, opening the door to his room.
"Bring me a bottle." he said.
I paused at his words.
"Ok." I replied walking towards the kitchen.
I grabbed two bottles.
JB hyung was sitting in the same spot of his room when I returned. I handed him his bottle and walked back to his bed, deciding to stand next to it.
We drank our water in silence, finishing the whole bottle in silence. The silence was too much and it was making me think even more than I wanted to.
Since we've met, I don't think me and JB hyung have ever had this much silence between us before, at least not for the same reason now. We have never had a fight before either, and if we did I would imagine I would know why, but I stood staring at him in confusion wondering what I did wrong.
"Why are you mad at me?" I quickly asked him.
We caught eyes and the game started.
"I'm not mad." he replied.
He looked a little surprised.
"You're the one that's mad at me right? You said so." he asked.
"I was mad..." I paused. "But you should know why hyung. That type of joke wasn't funny at all. It made me feel..." I stopped talking and lowered my eyes.
"You still think it's a joke."
"You said it was a joke." I quickly said lifting my eyes.
"You didn't believe me."
What does he mean? Why is he saying this?
"Hyung-"
"I don't even know what I'm doing either Youngjae. I'm sorry." he suddenly apologized.
JB hyung suddenly looked very different then how he usually ever looks. He looked like he let his guard down. He looked even more nervous then he's ever looked before and I could tell.
Maybe he's not lying...
"I'll go get us some more water."
I watched him suddenly stand up and leave the toom.
He likes me?
My feet started moving by itself. I only realized it when my arms wrapped around a warm body.
"I like you too Jaebum hyung. I don't want to lose you. I like you." I admitted everything. "Don't stop relying on me. I want to help you too hyung." I said.
JB hyung quickly grabbed my arms, pulling my arms from around his waist. He suddenly turned around and we caught eyes instantly. I couldn't read his expression.
He didn't let go of my arms, making my heart skip a beat.
Why is it like a drama again?
"Are you playing around with me right now?" he suddenly asked.
We played eye battle for a few more seconds.
I was confused. I suddenly lost all the confidence I used to hug him and say those words. After doing it I felt embarrassed, like JB hyung was even angrier and would hit me or something.
"What are you talking about hyung?..." I slowly asked after more silence than needed passed.
Before I could say another word he pulled me out of the room and towards his couch. He sat on the table in front of me and at first let out a sigh and messed around with his hair. When I tried sitting down in the couch I realized he was keeping me from sitting down with his hands wrapped around my arms.
I stared at him, wondering why he looked so frustrated.
Is he still angry at me?
Finally JB hyung took a deep breath and looked up at me. I stared back, hoping he was finally going to tell me why he was so angry, maybe let me go so I could sit down.
It was another game of staring for quite a while when suddenly he grabbed both of my hands. His gaze turned down to my hands and he began...caressing them.
I stared down at my hands for a few seconds before lifting my gaze to him.
JB hyung kept playing with my hands for a few more minutes before he finally looked up at me.
Once again, another game of staring, all before I was suddenly pulled forward. It surprised me and I tried to catch my balance by bending forward and using his shoulder, but in doing so our faces moved so close together that our noses almost touched.
I didn't dare say anything. My heart beat quickly. I couldn't understand what was going on.
Is he playing with me again? Is this some new game I don't know about?
I suddenly remembered what happened a few weeks ago in the same place when he played a joke on me and I got angry.
That was when we started avoiding each other right? I hope it doesn't happen again.
The game with our eyes continued.
"Not as a friend...Youngjae...I mean it...It's not a joke...I really like you..." JB hyung paused and suddenly helped me lift myself up. I could finally breath again. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath.
My hands felt sticky. I wanted to pull them away. The room suddenly became so hot. My mind tried to understand JB hyung's words as if I didn't say the same thing only moments ago.
But somehow hearing from him again made me feel even more nervous than when he was playing a joke on me weeks ago.
Somehow, this time it didn't sound like a joke. He sounded way more serious. I quickly remembered the way he said it all the other times. Did he mean this type of like all the other times too?
Have I been completely oblivious to this? He's said it so many times before right? In Mokpo, all those nights before we went to sleep. Is JB hyung really serious about this? He likes me?
My thoughts mixed together in confusion as I stared at him, slowly pulling my hands away from his hold to finally sit down.
Why do these things have to happen when it's just the two of us? Am I stupid? It's a real confession right?
I tried to calm myself down and think rationally.
JB hyung? Im Jaebum? Confessing? To me? I've never even thought about him confessing before. Maybe he just means like as a friend like he said the other times. He's just playing around with me again. That's right.
I started playing with my hands.
But why would he need to repeat that he likes me as a friend. Why is he suddenly getting angry at me and avoiding me?
I pulled away when a hand suddenly touched my cheek. We quickly caught eyes and I quickly lowered mine.
How does JB hyung confess to a girl? Is he really confessing to me right now?
I looked up at him.
But I'm not a girl.
"Not as a hyung either Youngjae." he suddenly said.
He took hold of my hand again for a few more seconds before letting go.
I tried to catch my breath. His words kept going through my mind. He said it as if I'm too stupid to realize what he means. I couldn't be bothered that he's treating me like a child though.
He just confessed. JB hyung is really confessing to me...but I'm not a girl.
"I'll get you some more water. Don't faint on me."
I stared at my hands, now red from his excessive caressing from earlier and my nervous playing.
"He likes me." I said to myself.
JB hyung returned with two more bottles of water and I took one and drank the whole thing. I looked up at him when he started laughing loudly.
I stared at him for quite a while before I started chuckling and then laughing too.
My heart calmed down quickly after this.
We didn't talk about it for the rest of that night. We didn't talk about anything really. The tv did all of the talking for us, we even ate in silence. I couldn't look JB hyung in the eyes though. I was really embarrased.
Surprisingly I woke up early enough to see that we fell asleep on the couch. How we managed to...is an embarrassing thought.
JB hyung really will never stop using me as a teddy bear will he?
After nudging him on the shoulder and helping him get to his bed, I helped myself to using his bathroom to take a much needed shower. The thoughts all quickly came back once the water hit my back.
He likes me. What does it mean?
Without turning on the lights, and as quiet as ever, I put on my clothes from before and tried my best to remember where JB hyung kept his extra blankets.
It was when I found a blanket and started making my way out of his room that his voice stopped me.
"Where are you going?" he asked a bit groggily.
He's been up this whole time?
"I just didn't want to wake you." I said turning around to face him. It was dark but I could tell he was sitting up on the bed.
"Come here."
There was a tap on the bed.
I hesitated at first, remembering exactly what he said hours ago. After standing there for more minutes then needed, I walked up to him. JB hyung made way for me to climb over him and to my usual spot.
I laid down, at first staring at the wall before turning so my back faced him.
I was halfway asleep when a hand and leg wrapped itself around me. I mentally groaned but gave up and let sleep take over.
Im Jaebum the bad boy is really not so bad after all.
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