“Forgiving someone is easy, but to trust them again is a totally different story.”

Heechul oppa dropped by this morning only to ask about my condition. As a matter of fact, I have been absent from the drama filming for two days straight. It’s not that I’m sick or something, it’s just… well, even if I don’t point it out, everyone would know the reason right away.

He asked me if I was sick, but I said no. I just need some time to cool down and reflect on myself. He came over here wasn’t only to ask about my condition, but also to deliver Director Ahn’s words; he said that it’s fine with me being absent, but I should get back to filming within this Monday. Almost Changwook oppa’s scenes and other casts’ scenes have been covered already—only my scenes are left.

I’ve always thought that dating Jongdae is a good decision I have ever made, only to be shockingly devastated once the truth’s prevailed. A wishful dream to stay with him until my last breath has shredded into pieces—what’s done cannot be undone, isn’t it?

I didn’t cry nor did I shout at him once he told me everything. I mean, why would I cry? Even if I cried, would it change everything? Would it change the fact that the one I’ve been regularly texting to (Mr. Anon, to be specific) is actually Kim Jongdae, the one I’ve been going out for over two months?

“The one that you’ve been texting to…” he repeats, his face falls. “…is me.”

My eyes widen and my back becomes stiff. What did I just hear? Mr. Anon is actually him? Is this a joke or something?

“Noona….” He cuts me off before I want to rebut. His voice drips with heavy panic. “Noona, I… I didn’t intend to lie to you. It happened all of a sudden. I know you’re so mad right now, but please listen to my explanation. I’ve tried to explain about it so many times before, but I didn’t have enough courage to do it.”

“Hold on.” I search for Mr. Anon’s phone number and for the first time ever, I phone him. It’s not that I don’t believe what he’d just said, I just need to witness it with my own eyes.

Needless to say, it turns out true. Mr. Anon is him—Kim Jongdae. I feel really, really stupid now.

“So it’s you, Jongdae.” I keep my voice normal, though I do feel a tad disappointed. I see him tucking out his ringing iPhone 6 Plus and placing it on the table.

I squeeze my hand firmly. “It’s the iPhone 6 Plus that you had the day you visited my house, isn’t it?”

“Right,” he answers weakly as he looks down. “I know you are mad, noona. Like I just said, I didn’t mean to lie to you. I really didn’t…”

I cross my arm over my chest, as though I’m willing to listen to his explanation, though I could have just slapped him in the face and fled.

“Taeyeon noona–”

I click my tongue in distaste. Taeyeon noona. Why didn’t I think of her? She was the one who gave my phone number to him, wasn’t it? They are under the same agency, after all.

“Taeyeon noona,” he says again, taking a deep breath. “To be honest, I’ve been keeping an eye on you since last year. I saw you during some event and yes, I was drawn to you. Then I heard you’re close with Taeyeon noona, who’s my senior in SM. Entertainment, so I begged her for your phone number, but she refused. She said I wasn’t worth to court you… and that was until she knew I was really serious of courting you.”

I remember it. I remember what Taeyeon unnie said when she gave me his phone number. She said that guy is a nice person and I should consider texting him. She lied about some things, though. Jongdae obviously knew who I was, but she said that he didn’t! How sly she was!

“… So when I got your phone number, I was really delighted. I even thought of texting you, but I didn’t,” he continues and a sigh escapes his lips. “I was kind of afraid that you might not like me because… because I’m younger than you. I mean, I’m 23 year-old.”

How I’d love to rebut his statement about our age difference, but I just keep quiet. Let’s just listen until he finishes, shall we?

“That was why I asked Taeyeon noona to talk to you and ask you to text me first.” He stares into my eyes for a few seconds before I budge. I look away and he has no choice but to continue, “And it succeeded. You texted me after a while, but you know, I only got back to you a week later because I was busy back then.”

I remember it too. I went crazy and thought he was ignoring me because I freaking got no reply from him for a whole week!

“Listen, Jongdae,” I say abruptly and he looks at me quizzically. “I know you have a lot to say to me, but let’s just make it short.”

He nods. “Okay.”

I let out a grunt. “If I’m not mad for what you’ve done to me—you being the one who’s been texting me—it’d be a lie, I’m a bit pissed,” I pause. “Okay, I’m really pissed, to be honest.”

I add, “I’ve never thought that person is you because you’ve never been suspicious in the first place. However, once the truth’s been unveiled today, how can I not believe it, right?” I fiddle my awkward finger along the straw of the caramel macchiato. I’m not intending to have a sip of it, though. “I’ve shared you so many things to you… and it’s really, really….” I stop all of a sudden. I feel like tears are welling up in my eyes, but I try to be strong. If I cry, that means I have lost.  

“I’m really sorry, noona. I know I’m wrong. I lied to you about it and you’re really hurt.” He takes the momentum, taking my hand into his grip. Our fingers entwine tightly, but why don’t I feel my heart flutter like I always do before?

“Everyone makes mistake, right?” He chuckles dryly. “So… please forgive me. I promise I won’t lie to you about anything afterwards. I’ll be honest in any ways you’d like. Please, Yoona….”

“I should be going now. I have work at 4.” I release the grip, push the chair backward and stand up. I believe we haven’t finished yet, but I just couldn’t bear it any longer. Tears are going to trickle down my cheek at any moments.

“We haven’t settled it, have we?”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I say when I’m already facing to the exit door. “Let’s just… forget about everything.”

“What about our relationship, then?” I hear him pushing the chair backwards. He must be standing up out of anxiety. “We aren’t breaking up just because of this, are we…?”

I bite my lip, clenching my fist firmly. “I don’t know. This is too much for me to handle.” I sigh in despair.

“Don’t break us off, noona,” he says immediately. “I still want to go out with you. Just please… don’t…”

I turn around, a bitter smile on my l