ARC TWO

calando
Origin: Italian
Falling away, or lowering (i.e. getting slower and quieter; ritardando along with diminuendo)

DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

[A/N: Reminder that bolded black text in between quotations implies the subtitles that Mina is reading.]

The Sixty-Eighth Measure

Wednesday: May 5, 2021

[Clip 1]

There's a restless girl with above-average height and honey-colored hair. She is bouncing her toes up and down, fringe-cut bangs springing along with her movements. Who is she? On the right corner of the screen was Juilliard's "Glorya Kaufman Dance Studio" printed in big, white letters. Other dancers were in session as well, wordlessly carrying out their stretching regimen and doing demi-plies in the background.

"Yo! The camera is on", Momo informed the girl. Subtitles were implemented on the bottom of the screen.

She shuffled backwards against the hardwood floor to make sure that her entire body is in the frame, "Ah, yes! Happy twenty-first birthday, Mina!"

Happy Birthday?

"My name is Cheng Xiao and I'm a second-year dance major at Juilliard", she introduced, "I'm also one of the second violinists in the Pops Orchestra as well as a member of your fanclub. I came up with the idea of making a birthday video as a way to commemorate your legality in the U.S. So, yeah! Horray, you're legal! You can now drink and gamble. Have fun, make good choices, and practice safe ! 

The last part bewildered me. Chaeyoung swerved in my direction to give out a dorky laugh.

"Ladies and Gentlemen", she introduced and Momo chuckled, "The Mina fanclub presents to you: Twenty-one reasons why we love Mina Myoui"

Then a dancer crashed into Momo, causing her to topple over and have the camera hit the floor. Luckily, it is still intact.

[Clip 2]

Dahyun took control of the camera.

The location appeared to be a college dorm room with little white bulbs dangling across the walls and the ceiling, but the place also had the impression of a nightclub with its colorful lights, retro decor, and disco balls wavering over the guests. Then the camera deflected up towards a glowing signboard raised above the bar area, scripted in Hangul. I recognized the establishment as The Starry Night, a Korean restaurant and bar on West 33rd Street. We celebrated Nayeon and Junior's birthday here last semester.

Dahyun had the camera focused on two girls: one with blonde hair and her taller friend with jet black hair, "Hey, Mina! Not sure if you remember us but we're Bona's friends from at the correctional facility."

The shorter girl, Yeoreum, hogged the camera and nearly knocked over Seola's soju bottle, "And we've been freed!"

The older girl shifted her friend to the side, "Okay, okay! We'll explain how we were released during another time. But most importantly, we want to greet you a very happy birthday or well... early happy birthday. You're twenty-one years-old, right? That's a pretty big deal."

A calendar behind the two girls displayed the date: March 3, 2021. It told me that this project had been planned ahead of time, but it's quite unfortunate that they didn't have time to show me the video on my actual birthday.

"Mina. We love you because..." Seola began as Yeoreum was imitating a drumroll against the table.

"You're pretty!" Yeoreum seemingly hollered until the clip ended abruptly. The camera must've run out of battery.

Okay...

Chaeyoung was close to spitting out the take-out coffee she was drinking.

[Clip 3]

The scene is dimly lit and only silhouettes could be perceived. There were the occasional strobe lights here and there but that was about it.

Apparently, I.O.I is performing in the background, or so the subtitles say. I predicted that Nayoung and Yoojung would be the next ones to be included in this clip but I was wrong. They were a group of friends that I least expected — Jackson, Eunha, Bambam, Youngjae, Yugyeom, and JB. Other than Eunha, who is in most of my classes, I rarely talked to them. Yugyeom and JB are not even Pops Orchestra members; they're members of the Juilliard Orchestra. JB left a bad taste in my mouth because he was Nayeon's ex-boyfriend and possessed her "secret" Snapchat nudes. 

"Jeongyeonnie, I think it's too dark in here to film", Yugyeom informed.

The timpanist was fiddling with her phone, "Is it okay if I turn on the flashlight?"

"Try it", Bambam advised. Jeongyeon fiddled with the flashlight option on her phone until JB began complaining about the light exposing his acne (And I'm enjoying every minute of his embarrassment).

The timpanist didn't spare to waste time and went on filming the video, "So Mina's turning twenty-one at the end of March and me, The Crack Squad, and her fanclub are trying to compile at least twenty-one reasons why we love her. You see, Mina never really had a genuine birthday gift before since her parents nor The Six didn't believe in celebrating her birthday, so we're doing this to make sure that she feels special on her day."

I wiped my watery eyes with my pajama sleeve. Jeongyeon is right. I don't recall receiving birthday gifts in the past.

Eunha's eyes twinkled acknowledgedly, "Oh! Sowon told me about this project."

"That's very sweet of you guys to do this for her. I hope that the project comes out successful", Youngjae raved.

JB suddenly left and disappeared into the crowd of drunk and sappy young adults, and I'm kind of glad that he did. Nobody needed his negativity affecting the hard work The Crack Squad and my fanclub put into making this video.

"So just one thing we like or appreciate about Mina?" Jackson asked.

Jeongyeon reiterated her request, "Whatever. It doesn't have to be long."

Bambam took a quick sip of his beverage before answering, "Well for starters, she's hot."

Are you ing kidding me?

Chaeyoung nearly fell off the bed in laughter. I blushed furiously, trying to shake off this perplexing feeling of mixed appreciation and flattering inside of me. In the video, Eunha rolled her eyes in desperation, wanting to fix it but not knowing how.

"Bambam... give me a high five!" Jeongyeon offered and I swore that I was about to go crazy.

Bambam proudly raised his hand and unknowingly, Jeongyeon took the liberty to smack his forehead with her rough hand.

Rubbing his temples, he glared at the timpanist in searing pain, "Ouch! What was that for?"

"For being a flirt", she said, "Let's take this seriously now."

At last, Eunha was the first one to step up and share a genuine response, "Mina is in half of my classes and she's very good with helping others. I always rely on her for homework help not only because she's very intelligent about the subject of music in general, but also because she's very clear and straightforward in her explanations. Some of my professors tend to lack clarity in their teachings and it leads to complicated and ambiguous information being passed onto students."

I agree with Eunha. I learned more about how to feel the music from outside forces and experiences as opposed to in class. 

"Mark told me that Mina is a great section leader too, and I have to agree", Youngjae intervened, "She always comes prepared."

She's like this in the Juilliard Orchestra too", Yugyeom added with an agreeable nod, "She's one of the first to arrive in rehearsals, the first person to warm up, the first person in her section to memorize the music, and then she's so focused on her solos. 

Jackson chugged the last of his soju and gave an immediate response, "Mina doesn't play games. She enters the rehearsal area, ready to work."

[Clip 4]

Between the Riverside Church and the International House, I immediately recalled the line of pink trees, specks of cherry blossom petals, and the old building that stood in front of the park. The Manhattan School of Music — along with Oberlin, Eastman, Bard, Curtis, and Berklee — was listed as my "safety school" just in case I didn't get accepted to Juilliard. It is also the conservatory that Jisoo attends.

The bright bassoonist was sitting on the steps leading to the entrance of school, munching on a wholesome avocado toast from Friedman's. She gave an amused look at Jeongyeon, the camera woman, when she was asked the question of what she loved about Mina.

Jisoo's eyebrows rose incredulously, "One thing I love about Mina? Just one thing?"

"We're trying to gather at least twenty-one responses from different people since she's turning twenty-one at the end of March", Jeongyeon explained.

Jisoo swallowed the last bite of her sandwich and scrunched up her face, deep in thought at Jeongyeon's inquiry, "At summer music camp (Interlochen), Mina was always doing things by herself. She ate meals alone so that she could finish faster and get straight to practice. She didn't waste any free time and utilized that kind of time to practice even more. I guess that's what I admire about her the most: it's that she sacrifices leisure to get better at what she's doing. She barely talked to anyone; the bassoon does the talking for her. "

I had no idea that Jisoo admired me that much. It brought about another blush and a fidget with my fingernails.

"And that's why Mina is the best at what she does", Jeongyeon said.

"Exactly", Jisoo simply answered with a smile, "No one can match her passion for her craft."

"Can you tell me one summer camp story about Mina?" the timpanist asked out of curiosity.

Oh my god, please don't.

"A single story?" the bassoonist was becoming excited, "My friend, I have many summer camp stories about Mina."

She cackled amusingly as she fished out her phone to scroll through something. Jisoo brought up that she documented all of her summer camp stories about me in her notes application, and it creeped me the out. I tapped the 'forward' button on the laptop until we arrived at the next clip.

"I wanted to hear about your summer camp stories!" Chaeyoung signed heatedly, her face whining with a pout.

I winced, "You can ask Jeongyeon on your own time."

[Clip 5]

Cheng Xiao was in charge of the camera this time.

She managed to track down the members of my section in the Juilliard Orchestra. She was stalking them with a pink-lipped grin, drifting through the crowd of tourists and ducking around the four distracted boys, who were bewildered at the wealth of lights that Times Square posessed.

The In-N-Out logo hung above the heads of the four boys. Vernon and Joshua changed into their employee uniforms — oversized white Dickies pants, red aprons, collared white shirts, steel-toed shoes, and the archetypal In-N-Out paper hat. Mingyu and Jun just sported casual wear.

Unexpectedly, Jun whipped his head around, "Hey! What are y—"

It didn't take very long for Jun to notice that they were being followed. The camera wobbled as Jun began to approach and scold Cheng Xiao, but she quickly and gracefully explained the reasoning behind her light stalking. Mingyu and Joshua blithely agreed to becoming a part of the "21 Reasons Why We Love Mina" project whereas Vernon and Jun remained reticent. I think they were still awkward with me after the Yerin incident.

"Only one reason?" Mingyu seemed dismayed, "I think I could name plenty of reasons why I like Mina."

The other three silently laughed at him, knowing that he has a crush on me.

In the nick of time, Joshua cut in before Mingyu could rant, "But for sure, we think that Mina is one of the best principal players in our orchestra as well as the best section leader that I've ever had."

Oh?

"Mina is an excellent, amazing person. She's much better than my current instructor", Mingyu laughed.

I chuckled, knowing who Mingyu's instructor is.

Joshua grinned extensively and nodded, "Mina is always readily available, and is always going out of her way to make time for us. Before finals last semester, she allowed herself to stay after rehearsals to explain a concept to me. Before juries, she wrote a five-paragraph e-mail to clarify what the jurors are looking for in a performance and to ensure that I actually understood the pieces that I was playing."

"Clearly, she cares deeply about her section", Mingyu's eyes scanned his friends, "Right, guys?"

He shot a suggestive look at Vernon and Jun, who were just standing there abashed until Joshua elbowed Vernon.

"Y-Yeah! Mina is great!" Vernon stuttered.

His words came out so clumsily, but I didn't mind. Joshua and Mingyu's reasons were more than enough to pacify me. A smirk creased on my lips.

[Clip 6]

One minute later, after drying my eyes, I pressed the "play" button again. Momo is holding the camera while sitting on the base of the long slide in Teardrop Park. Her jeans and red Spris sneakers are in the center of the frame for a few seconds until she's shoved off the slide by another kid behind her. Momo wasn't in extreme pain but the camera plunged into the sand and the violinist started to panic because the lenses were tainted.

"Hey, you okay?" the tall, lean girl helped to support Momo off the ground.

"I'm fine, thanks", Momo said, dusting off the sandy remnants from her jeans, "Where's Yoojung?"

"At her second job, I guess", Nayoung shrugged, "She's really working hard to support her family."

The violinist nodded, "I feel 'ya. I'm working as an aide at the Admissions Office so that I could help pay off Juilliard tuition."

It's circumstances like these that make me feel lucky that I have enough music scholarships to supplement my tuition fees.

The two girls roamed around the park, Momo walking backwards and filming a dashing Nayoung, who's wearing one of those stunning cutout white dresses with Edelweiss lace, a sleeveless bodice, and a banded waist that gave way to a rippling circle skirt. A single thought about Nayoung's life outside of work never crossed my mind until now because I've only witnessed her in her work uniform. Seeing how casual she looks and how easygoing she is with Momo contented me because I worry about her well-being and happiness when she's working.

"And you know, that's why I like Mina", Nayoung replied, "She's humane. Unlike her parents and all the other rich folk that I work for, she doesn't exploit my generosity. Ever since her parents left the house, I never felt overworked. Mina is actually starting to carry out tasks on her own now too.

"I heard from Jeongyeon that Chaeyoung is teaching her how to cook too", Momo's eyes lit up eagerly.

The percussionist rocked around in excitement when she saw that Momo credited her for giving me cooking lessons.

"Oh, definitely", Nayoung agreed without hesitation, "Chaeyoung visits Mina's residence every now and then to teach her how to cook one dish. So far, Mina has learned how to boil pasta, measure ingredients, the different types of cuts, different ways to cook an egg — all of those basic cooking essentials. She can now make spaghetti, fried rice, shrimp scampi, pan-fried salmon, French omelettes, and also something Chaeyoung calls "Wacky-Soba" or whatever."

"And do they taste good?" Momo asked.

"I hope they do..." I murmured under my breath.

"They do!" Nayoung exclaimed, "My favorite quality about Mina is that she's very precise. She takes a long time to accomplish each step in the cooking process but the results are spectacular. I think her keen attention to detail comes from her perfectionist self."

Those words earned another shy simper on my face. Half of me felt that Nayoung was exaggerating my skills but Chaeyoung encouraged me to accept it proudly.

"I need to bring myself and the whole Crack Squad over to her house one day. And then she can cook for all of us!" Momo happily proclaimed.

Actually, you don't need to do that. My cooking repertoire is far from exceptional.

"Thanks for taking part in Mina's "Birthday Project". I'm that sure she'll be glad to hear this", Momo dismissed.

"No problem", an unknowing smile lifted from the corner of Nayoung's lips, "It's my pleasure."

It felt so nice to hear what Nayoung thought of me, and I'm even more appeased to hear that she's not overburdened.

[Clip 7]

Indie Food & Wine's chill and laid-back atmosphere could hardly be mistaken. Cheng Xiao has the camera and it's been looming on her iced coffee, argula salad, and harvest turkey sandwich for fifteen seconds until her interviewees arrived. One of them was Chaekyung, who was surprisingly sober and not with Kim Sohee. The other girl was Somi, who dyed her hair black and is looking even more mature than ever. 

Cheng Xiao waved her hand to bring them over, "'Ello, you two." 

"Hi", Somi greeted with a polite bow, "Nayeon sent me here. You're that girl from the Mina fanclub?"

"Yes I am", Cheng Xiao nodded as they shook hands, "Thank you for coming. And how are you, Chaekyung? You're rooming with my former roommate, Sana Minatozaki."

"I'm great", Chaekyung replied cordially, "Sana is as bubbly and talkative as ever." 

I almost forgot that Sana used to live outside of the Juilliard dorms with Cheng Xiao, all until their apartment got infested with bedbugs. She moved in at the beginning of the fall semester and we were in the beginning stages of reconciliation after having been separated for our high school years. Those were bittersweet times. I still had all of my hearing back then, but I was also still associated with The Six. If someone were to offer me a time machine to blast me back to that time period and have my hearing restored, I wouldn't take it. I'm in a much better state with a new set of friends.

Somi and Chaekyung grabbed their hot food and coffee from the counter and returned to the seats that Cheng Xiao saved for them. She explained the purpose of her request to bring them here and went over the specifics of the "Birthday Project".

"So who wants to start?" Cheng Xiao asked.

Chaekyung volunteered, "I'll do it."

I'm anticipating what Chaekyung is going to say about me. We lived in the same dorm room for five semesters yet we rarely communicate with each other. Whenever I'm at the residency, she's not there and vice versa. Our reputation among the student body was contrasting as well: Chaekyung has a very likeable character whereas I'd describe myself as the opposite — cold, lonely, busy, in the lower tiers amongst The Six.

I could see that the hornist was worried, "I don't see Mina that often in the dorms, so I'm afraid that my statement won't sound as meaningful." 

I knew she'd say that.

Nevertheless, she continued, "But if I had to say one thing that I like about Mina, it's her work ethic. Her work ethic is something that I can't match. She's not always at home because she's practicing. She'll always return late at night, sometimes even past midnight." 

Chaeyoung and I laughed because that happened to us today. We didn't exit campus until 12:42 a.m. and we checked into Chaeyoung's apartment at 1 a.m. I glanced at the time displayed in the bottom-right corner of the computer screen and it's almost 2 a.m. 

"After this clip, can we watch the other half of this video in the morning?" I asked Chaeyoung, yawning.

"Of course."

Cheng Xiao switched her attention to the younger girl, "And what about you, Somi?"

Somi took one final sip of her coffee and chucked it into the trash bin before answering, "Mina? Ah you see, she used to be friends with me, Reina, and the other members of The Six. Well actually, Mina and I are still on good terms but not with the others. Anyways, I have a lot to say about Mina when she used to spend time with us."

Chaeyoung turned to face me with a curious face, stretching and shifting her weight on the mattress of her bed. I'm guesing that she's inquisitive about my time with The Six since they're (in)famous within the Juilliard student body. I'm also aware that they're the cause of her cyberbullying and she's itching to hear Somi's viewpoint about her's and my time within that kind of toxicity.

"To be honest, Reina and the others are not good people", Somi admitted, "They do so many things that I disagree with, like per say, ruin the lives other people whom they see as a threat. I don't need to explain what they did to Nayeon and Chaeyoung since you probably already know this."

And thank god. We don't want to be reminded of what happened last month.

Somi rambled on, "But what I appreciate about Mina is that even if she stayed reserved and didn't actually take the chance to call them out until later on, she never submitted herself to their wrongdoings. She still kept true to herself and her morals. They were unjustly bullying Chaeyoung when she was first admitted into the Juilliard Orchestra, stealing her hearing aids and disposing of them in inappropriate places. This torment went on for a while until Mina told President Polisi about what The Six and their friends did. Mina did the right thing despite knowing what The Six will think of her and despite the connections she and her family are going to lose with them and their families as well. I wish I followed Mina."

Wow.

The percussionist looked like she was giggling, perhaps in admiration of what Somi had just said. That decision on whether to call out Reina or not was the turning point in my life. It determined whether Sana, Chaeyoung, Nayeon, and the others would become my friends again and gain my trust, and I'm one-hundred percent sure that I made the right decision. I don't regret ratting out Reina anymore.

Chaeyoung seemed to form the words "Thank you" with her lips before encircling her arms around my body, embracing me in a grateful hug.

And then we stayed in that position for the duration of our slumber.

The Sixty-Ninth Measure

[Clip 8]

Jung Yerin's face filled up the entire screen.

"Yah! Get back here!" SinB ordered.

The camera zoomed out to reveal not only Yerin and SinB, but also Mark and Junior — my entire Pops Orchestra section. Seeing the empty seats behind them and the percussion instruments stowed away, this take must have took place after rehearsals. Mark threatened to yawn but SinB was agile enough to give him a quick wake-up nudge. Then Junior gave off a chortle and volunteered to do the introduction.

Cheng Xiao playfully imitated a movie director's clapperboard with her hands, "Aaaannnndddd... action!"

"Happy Birthday, Mina!" Junior began, "How does it feel to know that you're legal to drink and go clubbing all night? Now you can drink "un-" soju, fruit and flower wines at the Asian Invasion with most of us. Since you're my section leader, I'll give you a discount."

"I doubt she'll do that. She's too absorbed into her music", Mark laughed.

I had to chuckle at Mark's statement because it's true.

"Anyways, Mina", Junior continued, "We have some things to say that we haven't been able to share personally. Know that we mean what we say."

Mark extended his appreciativeness first, "Thank you for guiding our section on the right path and getting our asses in shape. Because we took rehearsals seriously, we were able to pass our juries and enjoy our performances to the fullest extent. We didn't have confidence in our abilities at first, but you helped us find it."

Then Yerin with a warm expression, "Thank you for realizing my efforts when I was verbally beaten down at that one masterclass in Paris. I didn't think that you would be the one to defend me and believe in me when others wouldn't do the same. You're the best section leader I could ask for."

"And from me", SinB was suppressing her inner emotions as always, "Thank you for taking time off your busy schedule to give me lessons. It helped me rekindle my love for music and offer me an escape from the hectic life of being a dance major. If it wasn't for your inspirational music and advice, I would probably still be depressed."

A fresh tear ticked my raw eye. I've never thought that my Pops Orchestra section would openly and candidly disclose their feelings about me. No one had ever told me that I was their best section leader either, so hearing their thanks and Yerin's use of that "best section leader" title had my eyes tingling.

[Clip 9]

Chaeyoung reached for a tissue from her desk and offered it to me with a warm, understanding smile. In order to prepare for the next clip, I had to sniffle back the tears from SinB's words. I wasn't sure that I was ready to endure another emotion-fest of a video clip.

I nodded at her to continue the video.

The camera was resting on top of a stool in an undisclosed location. A humongous poster board reading "The Mina Myoui Fanclub" was tacked against a white wall where paint seemed to have chipped off over time. The old wooden floor was perforated with boreholes and some planks exposed the dirt surface underneath. It didn't look like a sustainable clubroom, but SinB did tell me that the fanclub always migrates. 

Umji tapped on the lens' hood of the camera and it wobbled, "Is this thing recording?"

"It's been recording", Yuju pointed out.

Umji dropped her box of chocolate chip cookies and quickly gulped down her last bite. Before long, she towed her chair closer to the camera.

"You better share those cookies with me afterwards", Sowon demanded.

The voice major-slash-Pops Orchestra violinist chimed in, "Me too!"

"In order for you two to earn my cookies, you gotta be serious and try not to embarrass Mina like y'all did last time", the younger girl rolled her eyes and adjusted the camera so that all three of their faces would fit within the frame.

"Hey!" Sowon yelped, "What did I do?"

"Really, unnie?" Umji cocked her head unconvincingly, then mocked her, "Mina marry me! I want your babies!"

The club president repelled Umji and paced herself in circles around the room, feeling like a ridiculous embarrassment when those memories creeped into her head. Oh dear lord. I still remember that day too. It was months ago when I had to perform Jolivet's Concerto with the Juilliard Orchestra. I had not lost my hearing back then but I was experiencing heinous symptoms onstage, and it wasn't solacing.

Sowon stammered, "I-I was drunk from the wine in the lobby!"

Staring at Umji's cookies, Yuju was becoming impatient, "You guys, let's get on with the video!"

Thank you Choi Yuna.

"So Mina", Sowon started, "I think we kinda already explained to you why we made this fanclub in the first place, but let us remind you because you're a very occupied woman and you probably have a lot going on in your head concerning like, your work and your health."

"And SinB said your identity too", Yuju chipped in.

SinB? Oh, that must be the day she had her last lesson with me and I came out to her.

"Remember when you poured your heart out in The Black Swan during the BBC Proms in 2019?" Umji asked mirthfully.

"Oh! And remember when we performed Appalachian Spring at that correctional facility and you had that solo?" Yuju reminisced, "The prisoners and the staff in the audience, especially Bona and her friends, were very moved by your solo."

They're right. Looking back, I did feel comfortable playing with emotion because I wasn't in a competition setting and I couldn't see my parents in the audience.

"We just want you to know that you're perfect the way you are and you don't need to adjust yourself to anyone else's preferences" Sowon voiced, "When your music is true and honest, you inspire others and you bring hope. That's why we admire you and made this fanclub."

"We love you, Mina", Umji sifted her hands from her pockets and to my amazement, used hand movements. She's using sign language.

And then Yuju did the same and I swore that I was going to break down, "And we're with you."

"We are going to learn ASL from C-A-H-E—", Sowon was signing rather clumsily so Umji had to fingerspell for her.

"C-H-A-E-Y-O-U-N-G", she completed. The eldest girl ducked her head and scratched her back before speaking.

Abashed by her mistake, Sowon sidetracked to spoken words, "So yeah, obviously ASL is not an easy language and I still need heaps of practice. But yeah, learning ASL is kind of our way of giving back to you and supporting you. And so the fanclub will be spending an extra thirty minutes after meetings to go over ASL signs with Chaeyoung and maybe even Sana when she's not busy. Your "Crack Squad" friends are going to begin to attend our meetings and these ASL tutoring sessions."

"We and The Crack Squad members noticed that we haven't fully involved you and Chaeyoung into daily conversations and we feel terrible", Yuju observed. Chaeyoung nodded in agreement with her words.

"Even if we can't become fluent before you graduate, we'll still commit to this", Umji affirmed, steadfast.

I paused the video to take out another tissue from the box, touched in awe at their dedication.

[Clip 10]

The camera faced a computer screen that had the Skype window opened.

A video message came through from Germany. It was Sunny, standing in front of the famous Berlin Philharmonie with its iconic tent-like veneer and oddly brazened yellow tint. The Philharmonie may look like an unconventional piece of architecture, but it provided one of the best acoustics of any concert hall in the world, starting from the projecting gradations and balustrades up to the curved "clouds" suspending from the ceiling.

Jihyo was the one filming. She and Sunny were both alumni of the San Francisco Symphony Youth Orchestra which is why they still keep in touch.

"Hi, Mina!" Sunny greeted, "Sorry that this video message had to be cut short. I have to get back to rehearsals soon."

It's okay, Sunny. I understand. You're a member of the Berlin Philharmonic, after all.

The bass trombonist rendered herself deep in thought before replying back, "You know, the rumors about you being rude and cold are untrue. When I talked to you in Paris, I was very touched to hear that you wanted to learn more about your friends (Sana and Chaeyoung) and that you were very sensitive to their feelings, like how you didn't want to go too far into Sana's backstory because you cared about her privacy. That shows how much of a good friend you are. You're willing to listen."

A veteran member of the orchestra walked over to inform Sunny about the timing.

"Oh, looks like I have to go back soon", Sunny said disappointedly, "To wrap things up, stay true to yourself and don't feel the need to act like others. I hope that we can run into each other in the future. If a bassoon-playing position opens up in the Berlin Phil, I will fo' sho' contact you."

[Clip 11]

The following clip featured another Skype video message, this time arriving from England.

Yuri and Seohyun settled somewhere in the Barbican Centre, the performing arts centre in the City of London. The Barbican Hall, which serves as the London Symphony Orchestra and the BBC Symphony Orchestra's home base, is also stationed within the quarters of this cultural landmark.

"Hi, Nayeon!" Yuri was chipper to hear from the younger clarinetist.

Nayeon has the camera this time?

She had the camera facing the computer screen, and now it all makes sense. Nayeon would be the one possessing Yuri's contract information since they were once in the same section in the Juilliard Orchestra. So basically, Nayeon and Jihyo are in charge of the Skype videos.

"One thing we like about Mina? Just one thing?" Seohyun repeated the same inquiry as Jackson, Jisoo, and Mingyu.

The pianist-slash-composer set down her flatbread sandwich from Pret a Manger and gazed at the silvery London sky, quiet and comtemplative. Rainfall go on and off in this city, and I know this because I've competed in competitions and performed at the BBC Proms before. I still have memories of pressing my bassoon case against my body while scampering to The Underground in Paddington.

"I'll start off", Yuri proffered, "First of all, when I was the principal clarinetist in the Juilliard Orchestra, Mina had just become the principal bassoonist. I sat next to her and observed all of her movements because I was her senior and I thought that she needed some guidance. 

Yuri made a point. When I met her for the first time, I was nervous; unconfident in my skills to be an adequate section leader. I've been a section leader for youth orchestras in the past, but the Juilliard Orchestra is a different ballgame. Many of these section leaders and/or principal players have progressed to become world-renown soloists, join prestigious chamber orchestras, and even tenured members of the finest symphonies.

Adding to that kind of tension, Maestro Gilbert and other celebrated guest conductors trust you to deliver all the time. One of the guest conductors was the director of the Munich Philharmonic and he said, "Treat every rehearsal as if it were a live performance." Some would believe that I'm not the type of person to crack under pressure but that's not true, especially now that I'm hard of hearing.

I've admired Yuri for a long time, not just because she's pretty and good at her craft, but also because she kept her calm as a section leader.

"But it didn't seem like Mina needed any guidance at all", the clarinetist chucked a small laugh.

What?

Yuri later explained, "Mina is very hard-working and innovative. She doesn't give in and is always looking for alternatives to resolutions. I recall during one of our very first concerts when she ran out of breath during Haydn, she skipped one or two notes during her passages so she could allow time to replenish energy without looking like she made an error. And then when we played The Firebird after, with the big bassoon solo, she nailed it."

I'm shocked that Yuri could even hold memories for that long. Even I don't remember that day where we performed Haydn and Stravinsky. 

"You're absolutely right, Yuri", Seohyun concurred, "That's why I composed Silent Sonata that way. I have faith that Mina will use her imagination and her artistry to execute this piece. Silent Sonata is not merely about being in tune with your ears; it's about being in tune with your body."

Being in tune with my body, huh? I never thought of viewing Silent Sonata that way.

Chaeyoung is imitating Sana's "I told you so" expression with her puffed-up lips and that bloated glare suffusing from her brown eyes.

"Silent Sonata is about finding hope within that silence and converting it into a voice"

No wonder why the percussionist looked so smug. She deconstructed the message of my piece before I could do so myself.

Softly yet surely, Seohyun made her last decree, "Mina deserves, without a doubt, to move on to bigger things because orchestras need a person who is as organized, involved, affectionate, visionary, and most importantly, passionate as she is. Since The Black Swan, I've watched her growth in her music. She's perfect."

Her friend nodded agreeably, "That's why I asked her to audition for the London Symphony Orchestra!"

That's insane. They believe in me. 

Chaeyoung explained to me that the clips with Sunny, Seohyun, and Yuri were not in the original birthday video. Nayeon and Jihyo called them after my birthday, and then Jeongyeon and Momo decided to add their clips to my late birthday video.

[Clip 12]

"Delicious, isn't it?" Tzuyu was hoping for an appetizing answer.

But she wasn't anticipating Dahyun's quirky response, "Not as delicious as you."

 "Oh, shush!" Tzuyu blushed madly.

Eventually, Dahyun came up with the conclusion of placing the camera atop a bench facing the double swing set, where the two girlfriends will sit for the remainder of their clip. Tzuyu handed a chocolate-glazed donut to her girlfriend as she waited for the camera to align its focus.

"Okay, we're ready", the double bassist said with a 'thumbs-up'. She sprinted to the other empty swing before some other kid could claim it. 

"Hello, Mina!" Tzuyu greeted first.

"And happurr birffdurrrr", Dahyun spoke with food in .

"Hey! Swallow your food first!" the disconcerted cellist urged.

Dahyun's antic somehow made me laugh. I also love it when Tzuyu scolds her girlfriend.

"What she meant to say is happy birthday", she clarified, "Errr... I'll start off while Dahyun is eating. First things first, h-happy birthday Mina!"

Is she trembling?

Among all of the Crack Squad members, I find the cellist to be the most relatable to me, in the sense that we're both straight-forward, kind of quiet, and no-nonsense people when it comes to practice. Tzuyu is the youngest in our squad yet she's so mature and calm. I mean, she was able to complete a concerto by herself, in front of thousands of people. The only difference between the two of us is that I'm more sensitive and prone to crying. Crying is my way of relieving stress. Tzuyu, on the other hand, is not entirely open with her feelings and I rarely see her cry.

Tzuyu sat still, eyes hurtling from the camera to the floor, "I've never really said this aloud to you before, b-but I really like you. A lot. I-I mean Dahyun is my girlfriend, first and foremost, but what I mean is that I like you as a person. I've witnessed your character development over the months and I had to tell Jennie that you're so much more than what she and The Six perceive you as. You no longer care about how others perceive you and you've become more open about yourself and your emotions. What I admire about you is your openness to change and I—"

Oh my god, she's crying.

I take that back. Maybe I've never seen her cry before, and this is definitely the first time. But Tzuyu keeps willing herself not to cry, shaking her head as Dahyun tries to tell her that it's okay (at least that's what I'm reading from the subtitles). Hot tears are streaming down her face and she's too weepy to even continue. She had always kept her feelings to herself but when she revealed them, those feelings truly show. 

Dammit Tzuyu. Don't make me cry too.

"What Tzuyu was trying to say is that you've helped her become more open about herself too", Dahyun finished for her girlfriend, "When I heard Tzuyu play that concerto onstage, she seemed like a completely different person — one who wasn't afraid to let her passion overtake the technical demands of Elgar."

Amazing. No wonder why I felt pensive during Tzuyu's solo. It tells you that music can convey concepts and feelings that words sometimes can't. I guess we're both struggling to find meaning through hardships and trying to figure out the questions that life holds. My hardships exist in my past relationships and my diagnosis, whereas her's lie within her closeted emotions and trying to keep a fortifying façade for herself and her friends.

"And as from me, my hopes for you is that you'll find light during dark days", Dahyun closed the clip with her own words of motivation, "Becoming hard of hearing may look like an impasse, but it doesn't stop you from accomplishing great things. I've seen Chaeyoung do it with total hearing loss, and I believe that you can do the same too."

The double bassist's reassurance was just what I needed to get through this day or heck, the rest of my life.

[Clip 13]

"Hey gorgeous", Nayeon's name was indicated within the subtitles.

The first thing that caught my eye was the exterior of the American Museum of Natural History cloaked by a line of verdant trees on Columbus Avenue, but then the camera made a ninety-degree turn to set lens on two flat-top "Shack-cago" dogs, a paper platter of crinkle-cut fries, red velvet shakes and Park Jihyo, who was feasting her eyes on the camerawoman a.k.a Im Nayeon. The two girls were sitting in the rear-end of Shake Shack, avoiding the clumsy tourists and the rowdy high school students pouring in from the entrance.  

"Are you talking about me or Mina?" Jihyo jokingly questioned.

"Obviously, Mina", Nayeon choked out.

In a small fit of jealousy, the violist coughed once into a close fit and Nayeon drew the camera's attention back to her, leaning over to pinch her cheek. To be frank, Jihyo holds so much beauty in her that I can't describe. She has an attractive fact that of an ideal of an art photographer — alluringly dark hair, round eyes, winter coats, and cherry pink lips. But the most beauteous feature of Jihyo is her personality. 

"Of course Mina is gorgeous, though", Jihyo revealed, "That's why forty-five guys asked her out to the Juilliard Ball last year."

And I still have nightmares about receiving copious amount of confessions.

"Can you elaborate more on what you like about Mina?" her girlfriend requested.

"Easy", Jihyo said confidently, "It's her openness to trying new things. She must've felt a little uneasy before joining the Pops Orchestra and before heading to the correctional facility to do our outreach work, but she never backed out. She kept going with an open mind, and that's what I love about her."

"And now she loves us", Nayeon giggled.

Jihyo nodded truthfully, "She does."

I can't deny that. I stated during my actual birthday party that I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Nayeon gave Jihyo the camera so that she could speak, "Hi, Mina! And happy birthday! I just want to let you know that I'm proud to be your friend and I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you in any way. I said this before but I'm sorry for holding a grudge against you when I left The Six. That was really insensitive of me and I should've known that you were too scared to think for yourself. You were in a tough situation and I don't deny that."

The violist leaned forward to pat her shoulder, "Good job, Nayeon."

I felt incredibly bad for Nayeon because she's too apologetic. I don't want her to beat herself down like this.

She continued, "Which brings me to my next point: what I like about you, Mina, is that while you're reserved and a little timid, you're a great listener. Like for example, you were willing to listen to me rant at Central Park without judgement. And then what I've noticed during group meetings, especially section leader meetings, is that you quietly observe the atmosphere and the people around you before you talk."

"Even at the outreach trip, Bona told me that Mina was listening attentively to her friends and it even changed her views about prisoners", Jihyo commented further after finishing her meal.

The clarinetist beamed, "I think that says something about how much of a valuable friend she is."

Bona said that?

Chaeyoung nudged my arm to grab my attention, "Bona did say that."

Nayeon took a small sip of her shake before completed her statement, "I know it sounds weird for me to admit this during a time where you're losing a majority of your hearing, but I will always believe that you have that quality in you. Truthfully, you're a much better listener than most people who have all of their hearing intact."

We laughed.

"I hope that as time goes on, you don't lose touch with who you are", Nayeon appealed.

"Mina, you're not automatically a "lesser" person just because you don't have all of your hearing" Jihyo expressed thoughtfully, "Just allow your mind and body to open up and become a resonating chamber. Let the music flow in places that you wouldn't think of."

She's an accomplished violist herself and she always uses her entire body when she's performing, just like she did when we were in Paris. 

"I think that good listening isn't exclusive to the ears", Nayeon remarked.

"You're right, especially in music", Jihyo acknowledged.

"Anyhow, Mina", the clarinetist closed off the clip, "Thank you for sticking with us despite the heartache I might've caused you. I promise to keep in contact with you after I graduate."

"Thank you, Mina. Thanks for "listening" to us", Jihyo inferred wittingly.

No, you guys. Thank you for bringing me to you.

[Clip 14]

Jeongyeon, Momo, Bona, and Sungyeon sat around a black latticed table with baked goods from the bread booth behind them, the three older girls laughing blithely as Sungyeon began poking the lens of the camera that Xuan Yi is holding. Next to the bread booth was the monument of Richard Tucker, an American tenor and one of the great voices of the Metropolitan Opera. The square in which they're sitting in is named after him.

I was here months ago after missing my music theory class, eating a club sandwich and skimming over the Juilliard Orchestra's bassoon audition repertoire before judging the applicants for my section. Momo tried to persuade me to join the Pops Orchestra by shoving a flier into my face and I coldly rejected her, saying that I didn't want to "dilly dally and play show tunes and movie soundtracks". 

Memories flew in almost as if everything had just happened yesterday and I'm laughing.

"Hello Mina!", Jeongyeon saluted. She didn't call me bassoon-chan this time. Funny.

Momo, Bona, and Xuan Yi simultaneously gave their presentation, "We have an important message for you."

"H-Happy Birthday!", Bona's daughter adorably spread her arms out as to give a gigantic air hug, and it made me chuckle. 

She's lovely.

"I believe that we're approaching the end of this video, aren't we?" Jeongyeon wondered.

"We should be", Momo noted, "So Mina, I hope we're not being redundant with our compliments because we have yet to edit the other clips in this very film. But I think it's still important that you remember this: I'm so proud of how far you've come since we first met in the Pops Orchestra. Initially, I perceived you as this confused puppy who didn't know how to get out of their comfort zone and was too scared to rebel.

Really, Momo? A puppy?

Jeongyeon added to her regards, "But at the same time, you're starting to open up and I really admire your courage to do so. What you did to The Six during rehearsals when they were being inquired about Chaeyoung's hearing aids, what you did to your parents in Paris, what you did for Sana when she was faced with those stupid hate crime folks — that was really unexpected. Honestly, I don't think I'm as brave as you.'

"I heard about the hate crime incident too!" Bona remembered, "I've been wanting to tell Mina how compassionate she is. I don't know if she's aware of that."

It never really crossed my mind before.

"I've only known you for so long but I've seen the way you protected Sana when she got attacked and the way you comforted Sungyeon when she was hiding in the bathroom", Bona worded devotedly, keeping her eyes glued to the camera, seeming as if we were actually Facetiming each other in the present day, "Mina, you're very warm — not just in your music, but also through your actions."

That's reassuring. I never sought myself as someone who is kind because my image was supposed to be menacing and cold, at least to those whom I should consider my competition. Kindness is an element that I've been missing as I was growing up, so I'm actually touched at Bona's words. I bet that she and Xuan Yi are going to become wonderful mothers for Sungyeon and nurture her with everything that a child needs.

Like a real childhood, for instance.

"You agree, right Sungyeon?" Momo turned to the younger girl, "Mina is a nice person."

Jeongyeon wanted to hear the child's feedback, "What do you think of Mina?"

"M-Mina is a-amazing! She is amazing!", Sungyeon flung her arms in the air like a blissful bird. If Bona gives me the chance to mentor her in the future, I'll give her everything that my parents couldn't — happiness. Certainly, I'll ensure that she learns to enjoy music and to play her heart out.

"Maybe when you're older, Mina can teach you how to play her instrument", Bona voiced vigorously.

There was a glint of hope in Sungyeon's eyes, "C-Can she? Please?"

Jeongyeon chuckled, "I'll talk to Mina about that. It'd be a great opportunity for her to learn how to deal with children."

"Omg! Omg! Really?" the little girl squealed in delight.

Bona patted her head and grinned, "Of course!"

Sungyeon knocked her chair down and appeared to be squealing, jumping up and down in exultation. God. I love this child.

[Clip 15]

When Chaeyoung saw her face in the video, she jolted up from under the covers.

The final clip was filmed in a location that I'm very familiar with — my former dorm room at Juilliard. The J-pop posters that Sana bought are still taped to the cream-colored walls and her clothes are still all over the place, waiting to be folded and tucked into their respective drawers. It turned out that my previous affirmation notes were never discarded; Sana had just relocated them to the wall underneath the top bunk bed.

Sana and Chaeyoung both signed as one, "Happy belated birthday, Mina!"

Belated? Was this just filmed recently?

Both girls were sitting on the bottom bunk, where I used to sleep for a short period of time. The camera is probably sitting on top of Chaekyung's desk, still and immaculate. Sana and Chaeyoung were using sign language, but I still peered at the subtitles because I couldn't decipher all of their signs (Sana always signs too fast for some reason. Her excitable, effusive personality often transmits to her actions). 

"Mina", Chaeyoung (in the video) began, "So we had our ups and downs together over time but I hope you know that I'm glad to have met you. There really aren't enough words to define the kind of friend you have been to me. There are also no words for how excited I am for you after you graduate next year. Your love of learning and becoming a better person is what drew me closer to you, and that kind of quality will benefit you later on."

The percussionist sitting beside me gave a heartfelt smile and wrapped her arms above my waist.

"You're going to do so well in your career, Mina", Chaeyoung seemed like she has so much faith instilled in her, "Just don't give up, no matter what."

"I'd like to add to that, actual—" Sana declared, jovially and instantaneously leaping from the bed, as a result colliding her head with the bed frame of the top bunk. The hornist grimaced in pain and Chaeyoung had to rub the crown of her head. 

As expected of Sana. She got too caught up in her excitement to concentrate.

She sat down again and rested her head on Chaeyoung's shoulder, "What I meant to say is that you've been an incredible friend to grow up with, even with the large gap of time that separated us. I love that you lend me your clothes when I don't know what to wear, I love that you danced with me at the Juilliard Ball, I love that you soothed me when I was in a despondent state after returning from Washington D.C., I even love that you rejected me in London after you asked me that awkward question. It just shows that kind, generous, and that you're aware of your needs."

I smiled when Sana brought up the fact that I let her borrow my clothes and danced with her at The Ball, and I don't know why I giggled when Sana mentioned how proud she was of me for rejecting her. It's rare that someone agrees with rejection.

"But before anything else, you never give up", Sana beamed infectiously, shifting her gaze back to the camera, "Mina, Mina, Mina. You have no idea how strong you are. You had to deal with toxic friends, peers, competitors, judges, paparazzi and even family members for the longest time. And even when you were told that you had an acoustic neuroma and were going to become hard of hearing, you still kept going. You practice and attend rehearsals and performances, aware of the unpredictability of the side effects that come with your diagnosis. I'm absolutely confident for your future because you are capable and you don't let anything get in your way. Don't forget that."

"Twenty-one years-old. You're doing great. You're still alive, after all", Chaeyoung proudly stated.

The Seventieth Measure

You're still alive.

She said that.

I closed the laptop with a heart so listless that I refused to leave Chaeyoung's bed. There were no tears running down my face just yet; only the flashbacks of me and then Chaeyoung disclosing that we didn't want to live anymore. 

And yet here we are, laughing and crying at the video clips. Well more accurately, it was only me crying and not Chaeyoung.

She bumped my shoulder with her own's before signing anything, "You okay?"

I turned my head to the percussionist to watch her sign, then I looked up at her face: a beautiful face fixed with cute dimples and a cheeky grin. No more grim looks and distressing sobs pressing her desire for pain, just a happy human being. Chaeyoung's existence is what I really needed right now.

Chaeyoung hugs so tight that it knocks out all of the air in my lungs, stifling my cries. Her hospitable embrace was also what I needed in this moment — a hug that tells you that she's glad that you're there. It doesn't matter whether she's your close friend or something more, she's a human being communicating her tenderness and fondness, but especially their gratitude for your presence. 

There's a lot of concepts that I learned (and even re-learned) from watching my birthday video. It's that you're not alone and you are loved, even by the people whom you'd least expect has a say about you. It's that you should surround yourself with people who know your strengths and advocate for your improvement. It's that you deserve to live and to be happy, and you don't have to let anything hinder you from accomplishing that.

I don't have to let my loss of hearing prevent me from doing what I love. In fact, I can turn it into my strength. Like Nayeon and Jihyo said, listening is not exclusive to the ears and there are ways to "feel" the music without having to use your hearing. I think I know what I'm going to do next.

I'm going to make more affirmation notes and afterwards, I'm going to practice Silent Sonata with Chaeyoung.

The Proms is getting closer.

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