ARC TWO

crescendo
Origin: Italian
Literally "growing"; increasing in volume

DISCLAIMER: The personalities and opinions of these characters do not represent those of actual idols themselves, the Juilliard students, the New York Philharmonic, or any of its employees. The Juilliard School is not responsible for the accuracy of information.

The Fortieth Measure

Monday: March 29, 2021

I can't recall how long I've been out here. My chest feels tight, my eyes are puffy, my facial muscles are sore, and my lungs feel empty of air. The frosts are supposed to become less frequent with plants shooting up all over the UK, trees rebirthing their leaves, and animals producing offspring. But lately, London has been getting quite wet and windy. The trees at St. James's Park are still dormant and barely regaining their energy, and the lake is barren with the thin winter wind washing over from February. I guess it's safe to say that it's too early for an awakening.     

My phone is on top of my case, the screen littered with a hundred text messages from Sana and one unspecified missed call. I hit the call-back button and the receiver instantaneously answers the phone, a familiar voice piping out from the other end.

Somi?

"H-Hey Mina", she croaked in her kid-like voice, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine", I lied. I'm absolutely not fine.

"I left The Six."

I opened my mouth, "You what?"

"I left The Six", Somi repeats, letting out a small chuckle like she had regained her confidence again, "Shuuka told me Nayeon's story and how she's doing much better now with... err... what's the name? Jeongyeon's group? Anyways, those two still talk to each other when we're not there."

Hearing this astonishes me. Shuuka and Nayeon still talk to each other?

"I didn't want to get involved with their antics anymore", Somi continued, "I was there when Karen lied to one of our orchestra members about borrowing her phone to text her parents. Err... I don't know the name of that person whom she borrowed the phone from, but the truth is that Karen only used her phone to send those text messages to Chaeyoung. You have Chaeyoung's phone, don't you?"

"I don't have Chaeyoung's phone; Jeongyeon does."

"Never mind. You're in London so there's no way you can contact Jeongyeon", Somi hesitantly laughed, "Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up."

Once Somi hung up, another text message flies into my home screen. It's from Jennie:

[Jennie Kim. 6:13 p.m.] Meet me at The Tavern in Westminister. My treat.

What the hell is she doing in London?

I couldn't deny free food, so I up the tears and arranged for an Uber to drop me off at the designated pub.

Indeed Jennie was there at the tavern, situated in the bar area with a draft beer and a platter of hand battered fish & chips laid out in front of her.

"What are you doing here in London?" I asked.

"I'm touring the UK with my woodwind quartet, Blackpink."

Blackpink? What the kind of name is that? At least for a classical music ensemble, it's tasteless.

Grey sweatpants, an indigo Hollister hoodie, black converse, mismatching socks — her attire was avant-garde and out of the blue, considering that she's fashion-conscious on a daily basis. It was almost as if Jennie had lost all of her dignity and prestige in the blight of one day.

Jennie swung around in her bar chair to recognize my entrance, "I look like a dirty hippie, I know."

"I didn't say anything", I alleged, lifting myself up in the seat next to her, setting my case below my feet.

I seasoned a piece of fried fish with more salt and dipped it in a heap ton of ketchup before taking a bite. Jennie brings up the topic of London Symphony Orchestra auditions and I'm having war flashbacks to my own audition where one member of the faceless judging committee dismissed me after Tchaikovsky's Sixth. I'm usually never this sensitive about auditions and I've always manage to ride through them with ease and mirth, but the LSO proved me wrong and destroyed my morale. It was a bite from the pressure cooker of Europe's professional classical music culture.

I wasn't sure what was more awkward: that audition or the fact that I'm eating and drinking with Jennie.

"Mina", Jennie said sympathetically, "I have something to admit."

This takes me by surprise, "I'm—sorry?"

Jennie's voice sounds lower than normal as she straightens up in her stool, giggling humorlessly, "Now I realize how much of a jerk I was to you and Chaeyoung. I didn't think that Chaeyoung would actually, you know... do it."

"You just realized what you've done?" I slapped my beer against the wooden table, infuriated, "How could you not foresee the consequences?"

"Mina, I'm sorry. Really..."

"Your apology isn't going to change anything", I raised my voice with the angry burn in my throat from the alcohol, "Even if Chaeyoung miraculously wakes up, she's not going to be the same person that she was before. You and The Six caused a great deal of suffering as a result of your actions. I couldn't even think straight during my London Symphony Orchestra auditions because I was constantly reminded of Chaeyoung."

"Mina, what can I do to gain your acceptance?" Jennie says quickly, her face red because of the uprising that I caused. The other bystanders now have their eyes us and it's undeniably disconcerting, but I'm content in exposing Jennie like this.

"Stop associating yourself with Reina and them", I demanded.

That's something I didn't do in the first place.

"You want me to do the same thing that you and Nayeon did?" Jennie blinked halfway through her second glass, laughing weakly, "I need Reina for my career. She's the reason why I get introduced to more gigs, more supplies, and more connections with the classical music elite."

"So you're going to sacrifice morals for greatness and your own personal gain?"

"You wouldn't understand because you had everything handed over to you from birth", she mumbles, "My life was not as easy as yours." 

The ridiculousness in her premise was difficult for me to comprehend, "You thought that my life was easy? Once my parents learned of my potential, they deprived me of my childhood and estranged our familial relationship. I couldn't go out with my friends, I got hit whenever I made a single mistake, and I wasn't allowed to go to bed if I didn't please my private instructors. It was as if I wasn't their daughter anymore."

Just like The Ring, greatness comes at a damaging price — the price of your well-being, your sanity, and sometimes, your morality. For me, the cost was my physical, mental, and emotional health. For Reina and the others, the cost was their integrity. 

"I didn't know that", Jennie said quietly.

I let out an exasperated sigh, positioning my case between my ankles, "It was all over the news. You were even in Paris with us."

Silence steamed over us for a couple of minutes, slow rock songs reverberating through each surface, male singers projecting with a loud, clear high-chest voice set aside for a few vocal embellishments. Midway through the night, alternative rock begins to play, starting with Switchfoot's You. The alcohol reeks into my system and I feel like a soggy and saddened piece of , just like the British businessman sitting on my right with an oaken stench, and had probably had enough for the day and should call for a cab sometime soon. I told myself that I would stop drinking alcohol after what my parents had done, but it turns out that I'm just as much of a mess as they are. I don't know why I hadn't scheduled a counseling appointment regarding my mental health. I would've been better equipped with the tools for this situation if I had taken care of myself earlier.

"I hope that things will work out", is all that Jennie says. I don't think she understands how abuse works.

"I don't have plans of reuniting with my parents anytime soon", I drew a slow breath, and put down my glass again, "Even if I do reconnect with my parents, our relationship is never going to the same. They're never going to be the loving parents that they were before they recognized my prodigiousness. And just like what you guys did to Chaeyoung; she's not going to be the same person that she was before the cyberbullying."

Again, silence. Jennie shifted in her seat for the third time, recognition of guilt blooming of mixed shame and confusion in her cheeks.

"Can I ask you an honest question?" I gazed out at her, "Why did you hate me?"

Jennie drummed her fingertips against the table, thinking, "I guess because I thought you were cocky, even though I never really talked to you that much until I transferred back to Juilliard. And my parents always compared me to you. I just got sick of hearing your name everywhere."

"I'm not going to deny that I seemed a bit stuck-up in the past", I admitted, "I'm sorry about your parents making comparisons and I'm sorry if I looked arrogant at times, but I never meant to hurt you. I don't think it's fair to assess a person as a whole based on what you see on the outside."

I, too, learned that through my friends. Sana isn't just some ditz, Dahyun isn't just comic relief, Momo isn't just a food enthusiast, Yerin isn't just a dork — I could probably list more examples off the top of my head, but the bottom line is that each person holds a different kind of beauty within. 

"I'm not excusing you from what you did to Chaeyoung", I continued, lowering my glass from my lips, "And the fact that you're using Chaeyoung to hurt me is despicable. I can't think of any other actions that require a person to go as low as that."

"You're absolutely right", she breathes.

Tiredness finally creeps in and my legs feel like jelly. The night has been long and I just want to get a good night's rest before—

[Sana Minatozaki. 8:04 p.m.] Mina, where are you? We have a meeting for the BBC Proms next summer. 

Goddammit.

"I have to go", I bursted out, sliding off my seat. I looked back at my drink, finished the contents, and deposited my empty glass on the countertop.

"Mina, wait. One more question", Jennie's eyes were pleading, "When will you acknowledge my apology?"

"Jennie", I sighed finally, slinging my case over my shoulder before stepping outside, "If you want my acknowledgement, convince yourself and The Six to reflect and take responsibility for their actions. Either that or you disassociate yourself with them."

"Fair enough", she shrugged.

"But that's just the beginning of what I want from you", I stated sternly and her lips slacked, "You and The Six must to apologize to not only me and Chaeyoung, but also to those who were deeply affected by this incident. In addition, you and The Six have to comply with any punishment that is arranged by authorities. Cyberbullying and the encouragement of suicide are misdemeanors that shouldn't be taken lightly."

"Can't we just get over that and move on? Things will change, I promise", Jennie appealed, "I-I don't want to get into anymore trouble."

I looked back at her one more time, "Real change doesn't occur unless everyone recognizes this as an issue and pursues to resolve it."

The Forty-First Measure

The meeting went alright. Pickard, the director of The Proms, reviewed the details for our concert which will take place on the first night in the Royal Albert Hall. I will perform first and then Sana will perform last. The specifics such as performance ettiquette and sound check were nothing new to me, as this isn't my first time playing at The Proms. Sana, however, was still in a slight twitch from her presidential performance with the musical elite. It's understandable because The Proms is the largest music festival in the world and the presence of critics will be amped up.

I'm not worried about those critics, though. I'm worried about Chaeyoung not being there to play with me.

Sana was then escorted through the corridor to have her meeting with Eric Whitacre, the composer of her concerto following her victory from the Parisian Winter Music Festival's competition. Seohyun and I had our discussion in the second tier box seats facing the main stage of The Proms's venue, the signature fiberglass acoustic diffusers (fondly nicknamed 'mushrooms' by spectators) beetling above us like a dream.

"I heard about what happened to Chaeyoung", was the first thing that Seohyun said and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest, "I'm very disheartened to hear that she's in a coma due to an attempted suicide. I originally intended for her to be your piano accompanist, but I decided to change her part into an alternating vibraphone and glockenspiel accompaniment since she's a percussionist."

Seohyun is explaining the details of Chaeyoung's possible accompaniment and I can already imagine what she'd sound like — the shuddering waves of a vibraphone and the soft heartbeat of a glockenspiel, coupled with a stunning dress that she'd wear during our performance.

I miss Chaeyoung already.

"If Chaeyoung won't be able to do it, I was thinking of Jeongyeon being a possibe substitute", Seohyun proceeded with her ideas, "I've seen Jeongyeon's playing in Juilliard's Pre-College Division and she is, no doubt, a very competent and expressive percussionist."

At least Jeongyeon is someone that I also feel comfortable playing with, even though her tone color is a slight contrast from Chaeyoung's. Rough and effacious, possibly due to the fact that she has adjusted to the role of a timpanist rather than a mallet or auxillary percussionist.

"Mina", Seohyun tapped the score sitting on her lap with her fingers, "I believe that you're going to cause an even greater impact than The Black Swan with this piece. I can already envision you performing it. The patetico and cantabile sections are really going to bring out your musicality and lyricism. I'll leave the themes up to you to figure out, but I think that it's not as complicated to figure out compared to The Black Swan."

"What's the name of this piece?" I asked.

Seohyun closed the folder and handed it to me, "Silent Sonata."

Silent Sonata. The title does sound a bit straightforward, but my mind is too exhausted to analyze the deeper meaning.

"I want to hear you play it for our next meeting", she requested with a smile, "Not the whole thing, of course. Maybe just an excerpt or two."

"Thank you", I said politely before excusing myself, "I'm looking forward to working with you."

"Oh, and Mina", Seohyun paused, reaching out for my free hand, "I'm there for you if you need someone to listen to your feelings, dry your tears, or even just be around. Rough times can often bring complex and confusing feelings, and I understand that you may feel unable to focus. You don't have to come to your feelings at once; just take things step by step and everything will eventually come together."

A small smile crept up on my mouth, "I appreciate that."

Sana told me to leave ahead of her since she'll be released from her meeting late so I took advantage of the noiselessness, plopped my on our unmade queen-sized bed in the hotel, and studied the score. I initiated mental practice, visualizing the s and articulations while reading my music. My eyes cross over to Chaeyoung's part, which is under my bar, and I end up reading her music instead. It sounds so good with the pulsating staccato from the vibraphone in the first movement and then the silvery vibratos from the glockenspiel in the second movement.

I think I might cry.

I heard the door unlock and it reveals Sana standing on the other side of the doorframe, "I'm back."

"Oh, hi!" I snorted out an embarrassed laugh, rapidly closing my folder.

Sana's eyes glistened as she dived into our bed, "Is that your piece for The Proms?"

"Uh-huh."

"Don't be shy. Lemme see", she demanded, breaching my folder without asking for my permission. It doesn't take Sana very long to introspectively skim through the first movement and grasp the meaning of Silent Sonata. Sana's genius lies in how she interprets a piece and that's why she won the Parisian Winter Music Festival Competition, so this instinct doesn't surprise me.

I scooched over to her side and whispered, "What do you think?"

"Seohyun is brilliant", Sana plopped her face down and mumbled into the covers.

"Brilliant?"

"When I read through the first measure, I think of a girl who has been silenced her whole life by outside forces", she speculates.

I cocked my head, "Chaeyoung?"

Sana nudged my rub, "You, you dork."

Me?

Sana then sits up and crisscrosses her legs, grapples my head without warning, and stifles a small gasp, "If the worst does happen to Chaeyoung, we'll go through it together. I was actually in the same state as you after I heard about Chaeyoung on the news. I ran out of our hotel in San Francisco, took the MUNI bus, and cried a river in the Spreckels Temple of Music at Golden Gate Park."

"Really? I didn't know that", I said, oblivious.

"What? Do you think that I'm some hard shelled turtle who could shelter their feelings?" she chuckled quietly, "I've experienced demise all throughout life — my dad in the war, then Yoona to AIDS. Goddammit, I live with a recollection of Yoona's."

"Your instrument?"

"Exactly", she nodded, "Yoona gave it to me because she liked me, for I didn't care about competition and only for the sake of playing music." 

Yoona would say something like that. I never talked to her personally, but I've seen her. Yoona's life has been consumed in competition and musical prominence since she was a kid. Sana's truth was something that Yoona wanted, but unfortunately happiness and greatness doesn't always mix.

Chaeyoung, no doubt, was somebody that loved music dearly. But the holistic nature of competition and the cutthroat field of performing arts itself drove her to a depressive state. Juilliard students ought to be the best of the best; the cream of the crop. That's not everyone's truth. In reality, some of us are a bunch of confused cattle trying to navigate the system. We're so invested in becoming the best performers that we forget about the tools needed to adapt in the artistic world, sustain our peace of mind and connection to music. Even my parents didn't teach me about the emotional and psychological standpoint of music industry; just that I had to be the "best" in what I do.

How do we remain financially stable? How do we overcome the judgments of ourselves and our peers, both in the music world and outside it? How do we persist, maintain passion, and be unique? How do musicians keep themselves happy? I still ask myself these questions up to this day.

"Can you play a little bit of Silent Sonata?" Sana requested, beaming.

"Eh?"

"Give me a sneak peek of your Proms performance", she pressed.

"Fine", I heaved, rolling out of bed to grab my case from under the table side. I pulled out a reed from the box and ducked it in a glass of water while assembling my bassoon. Sana is still sitting on the bed, her eyes wide open.

"My father told me that making music can temporarily relieve us from our worries", she said. It definitely sounds like something Sana would say. 

"Sure", after looping the strap around my neck, I fished my reed out of the water and attached it to the bocal, taking in a deep breath.

The first batch of notes are quiet and low, like a gentle breeze across a stream, assimilating to the title of the piece itself. In the back of my mind, I think of myself as a child being lulled to bed by a mother figure. Then it gets sensitive, tapered notes and melodramatic dynamics that representing that same child succumbing to unswept parenting and self-loathing. Though the difficulty of Silent Sonata is tantamount to that of an elementary piece, it's ing impressive. The first movement is an anthem for those who are tackling hopelessness, and I know exactly who it reminds me of.

I can't get through the entire movement without shedding a tear. It's not just my piece; it's also Chaeyoung's piece. Silent Sonata is our hymn.

"That was beautiful", Sana's eyes are also blooming with tears, "It really does remind me of you."

Shuddering a single breath, I pulled my bassoon away from my face, "Yeah."

The Forty-Second Measure

Sunday: March 30, 2021

I managed to locate a peaceful place to practice around London: the park.

No but really, I did go to the park. I didn't want to displease the other hotel guests with scales and warm-up material, so I moved to Hyde Park once the sun rose up. A majority of Londoners are attending church during these hours, so I can encompass this space all to myself before lunchtime.

I situated myself on the eastern half, seated on a marble block facing The Serpentine. Then I assembled my bassoon, closed my eyes, and began playing Silent Sonata in a low volume. Yet in a matter of time, I tripped up on the first movement and this streak continued like this all morning — at one point running out of air, to butchering my vibrato because my stomach felt tight, to choking on my own spit before Chaeyoung's entrance, and then cracking a note before reaching the crescendo. Even though I had somehow managed to perform it perfectly in front of Sana last night, the relapse was making me anxious as time passed. Jesus Christ, Mina. Are you going to present your playing to Seohyun like this?

Sometime during the afternoon, I put the goddamn bassoon away and took a walk around the park to fill my lungs. Not much has been going well since Chaeyoung attempted suicide, so I needed to do something tranquilizing for myself. The vibrant, green grass sat along the border occupied by white daisies with moonlight-pale petals. The swans traversing in the lake made a tranquil, waving notion as the warm breeze passed by. 

Then a shadow emerged from behind me, and I knew that I was being followed.

"Hey fagott. I hope that you're happy", That voice couldn't have been anyone other than Reina. That low voice, the scratchiness in her tone, and her overt bangs and violin case were unmistakable.

"What are you doing here?" 

"I'm in London to visit relatives", Reina ran off topic for a bit, "And besides, this is the last you'll ever see of me. Somi snitched on us, Jennie and the others have suspension, and I got expelled from Juilliard. If you're not satisfied about that, Myoui, I don't know what'll satisfy you."

"I don't give a rat's about what happened to you", I cried, "The matter of fact is that I'll never have Chaeyoung back because of you!"

"She's not dead, dumb", Reina rolled her eyes, "She's in a coma."

"Look how unapologetic you sound", I hissed, "No surprise why Nayeon called you an entitled prick."

"I'm entitled?" Reina shot off with her answer without notice, "You had the advantage of having eminent parents and a source of wealth. You got to leech off them. You didn't work hard. You don't even deserve half of the awards that you earned."

"Quit being a ing hypocrite", I said straightforwardly, outrage snaking in my palms, "Just because I get recognized easily doesn't mean that I didn't suffer in the process. The moment you declare someone as 'undeserving' based on solely your opinion with no other inspection, and the person that you're judging didn't do anything morally offensive, you're determining someone's worth. I see that as entitled. I do acknowledge my privileges, but you only look through a narrow lens and discount my adversity and other notions of hard work."

She shrugged, "You have adversities? Sure."

I'm getting incredibly crabbed with her, "I'm sorry but are your parents in prison for ing child abuse?"

We sat in silence for a minute. Reina's hands were shaking through her gloves.

"Well... no", Reina was struggling to comeback, her hands deep in the pockets of her overcoat, "But I get compared to you. There, satisfied?"

"Nothing will ever satisfy me from you", I growled in a whisper, "Especially after what you did to Chaeyoung."

It sincerely pained me to hear that Chaeyoung didn't feel deserving of love and success. Clearly, they have ever seen her work outside of rehearsals, auditions, and competitions. Judgments are left to what they see with their own eyes rather than an inspection of other prospects.

When it gets to the point where people believe that Chaeyoung is riding off her special treatment as a deaf person, a flush of anger boils from within. It just comes to show that people with disabilities are still struggling to find acceptance in the modern era.

"Chaeyoung was tainting the traditions of the Juilliard Orchestra", Reina retaliated, "Why do you even mind? It doesn't even affect y—"

*SLAP*

My hand was stinging from the aftermath of that hit, but the pain felt so good. 

Reina moved her hand across her cheek, "Why did you slap me?"

"You know damn well why I slapped you", tears were streaming down my eyes, veins filled with more anger and adrenaline, "This affects me because I'm hard of hearing and this affects me when it turns into an action of hostility. You guys targeted Chaeyoung not just to get at me, but because of her accommodations, and it's repulsive. If you aren't disabled, you don't get to declare what a disabled person doesn't need. You don’t get to tell a deaf person that a chance at a second audition is ‘discrimination’ or that you deserve special accommodations too. You are not disabled, you don’t know what it’s like to be in Chaeyoung's shoes, and you have no business telling her what she does and does not need as a disabled person. That's an ableist way of thinking and I will not tolerate that. Be thankful that you're a hearie and and that you don't have parents who abuse you twenty-four seven, and shut your goddamn mouth, you ungrateful . Get the hell out of my face before I do something worse."

I panted. This is the biggest paragraph that I've ever congregated with my own mouth, and this is the loudest volume that I've ever spoken in.

Reina said nothing. She just turned around and walked away with a defeated look on her face. She lost her spot in Juilliard and she lost her friends.

My patience wilted on that woman. Like Nayeon said, I need to remove the people who are manipulative of my time and resources. I can't change them by force, but at least Reina and Jennie have heard my words. Now I hope that The Six examine their choices and their own toxicity.

I need to move on, focus on myself and the people that I care about. I don't want their negativity to manifest in my daily life.

I briskly walked to the Royal Albert Hall from the park, lurching through one of the less-frequented doors while keeping out of sight from the herd of young adults playing Pokémon Go outside of the venue. Slipping through the backstage hallways, I could hear Sana practicing with the BBC Symphony Orchestra on the main stage and good god she sounds incredible. I entered the standing area so that I could get a glimpse of her.

Whitacre's concerto is the chain reaction to Silent Sonata. His concerto for Sana is uplifting, joyous, glorious.

The opening fanfare was compelling; she let her horn shout its flashy, breathtaking zeal that resonated in flourishing arpeggios. Whitacre, her concerto composer, and the rest of The Proms committee were watching her closely – no, listening to her every note that screamed excitement in their ears. Sana seemed to be in another world, and the judges could tell because no performer would appear this confident and composed during a rehearsal for a concerto that hasn't even had its premiere yet. Sana's skill was impressive; she was reincorporating all the orchestra's distinct sounds into one, and somehow, she managed to pull it off. The trills of the woodwinds, the prancing of the strings, the boldness of the brass – she played off most of these parts with unrestrained upwelling of emotional power. Sana isn't merely perfecting the concerto; she's lifting it.

I overheard Whitacre whisper something along the lines of 'genius' to Pickard, along with other various comments.

"That girl is not playing according to the score, she's rejuvenating the orchestra from her mind!" a male member said in astonishment.

"The French picked the right winner", The eldest woman in the committee expressed, "No one could finger or tongue on a horn as quickly and as clearly as she could. And she's not looking at the sheet music. Her eyes are closed so I'm assuming that she's immersed into the music."

Sana was explicating Whitacre’s headstrong concerto with such skill and prominence from her own prestige. Every note was struck with feeling and poise; she could stay perfectly in tune while portraying the brief cadenza with its eminent theme, hitting the right sound at all positions, whether she's clicking the sticky keys of the horn or fluctuating her air stream. Instead of tears, I found myself with a stupid grin on my face.

"Someone's in a good mood", I heard a snicker. I turned around to see whose hands were on my waist.

"SANA!" I jumped up and screamed, "W-Weren't you just on that stage?"

"Rehearsals for me ended two minutes ago, little duck", she winked out of delight, "It's your turn."

I rolled my eyes, "I thought I told you not to call me that."

"I thought I told you that I don't give a ", she snorted, "Anyways, get on that stage and let your bassoon sing for them."

I nodded wordlessly while watching Sana spurt to the nearest sink to empty the condensation from her horn's slides, then Pickard called my name from one of the private box seats facing the main stage. I felt pretty good playing my bassoon today compared to this morning. The delivery is just as I had imagined — poignant, tender, touching. Every held note was intended to display the breadth of my desolation.

Surprisingly, Sana was right. I actually feel a little better letting out my feelings through music. 

The Forty-Third Measure 

Sana and I left to get manicures as soon as rehearsals ended. Sana likes being photogenic and a walking aesthetic, and she enjoys noodling on Instagram. In fact, Sana spends more time taking pictures with her horn than actually practicing it. I still wonder how she manages to perform with such ease.

There was a nail salon just a couple of blocks off the Royal Albert Hall and planted in front of the Kensington Palace. According to Sana and Yelp, it's an acclaimed salon with veteran employees and has even enticed the attention of celebrities like Adele. Sana joked that we need presentable hands since we're going to be on live television for The Proms, and that there are most likely going to be close-ups of our hands working our instruments. I viewed this speculation as ridiculous at first, but then I lifted my right hand to eye-level and noticed that my nails were uneven. 

I am not going on stage with hands like this.

Sana greeted the nice lady at the front desk and we were asked to make selections regarding the colors of our nails. Then we were ushered to two work tables sitting adjacent to one another. The tall woman taking care of my nails went along the name of Sooyoung while her shorter friend, Taeyeon, was attending to Sana's nails. Sooyoung was kneeding my hand with her bony fingers before gaping at me humorously.

"My god, Mina. You have big hands!" she exclaimed.

"WHAT?" I blushed furiously, Sana audibly laughing next to me.

"No Soo. Mina just has long fingers", Taeyeon, the more experienced nail artist, corrected. I'm surprised that both girls don't share a British accent.

Sooyoung sterilized my hands while she continued talking, "So, Mina. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician."

"What do you play?"

.

I could tell her that I'm a bassoonist, but most people don't even know what a bassoon is. How am I supposed to answer her question? Do I tell her that I spend a majority of my time manipulating air through an elongated wooden stick?

"Oh, so you guys are musicians?" Taeyeon cuts in and I'm relieved, "Do you know who Seohyun is?"

"How do you know Seohyun?" Sana curiously asked.

"She frequents here every Sunday that she's in London", Sooyoung said while shaping my nails with a filer, "Seohyun was talking about composing music for a gifted musician for the past nine weeks, and then she gained tendonitis. I haven't seen her since then."

"Gifted musician?" the hornist gave me a knowing look, "You're talking about Mina!"

"Sana! Shut—"

"Oh, wait a minute. I know who you are", Taeyeon halted in her administrations to inspect my figure, "You're a bassoonist, aren't ya?"

Sooyoung tilted her head, "A what?"

Taeyeon is taking her sweet time explaining what the hell my instrument is and I'm frankly staggered at how cultured she is. I guess it's because she's been acquainted to Seohyun — a musician and composer who, no doubt, should know each and every Western classical instrument — longer than Sooyoung has. Sana smirked while Taeyeon was having the time of her life being an educator. Taeyeon reminds me of Chaeyoung, in a way.

"You sounded really good at rehearsals", Sana turned around to compliment me, "Did something good happen today?"

"I, umm..." I blushed an even deeper red, "I let my anger out at Reina this afternoon, and then Jennie the night before."

"That's good to hear."

"And I heard you practice with the symphony, and I was enthralled", I conceded, "You actually seemed like you were in a good mood."

"Oh, Mina! Guess what?" Sana started, "This morning, I talked to Jeongyeon, who is still in San Francisco. Chaeyoung is actually doing okay."

"Really?" I sat up, absolutely beaming.

"Chaeyoung is still in a coma, though. It's going to take a while for Chaeyoung to wake up, and after she wakes up, she's going to be sent back to New York and attend some kind of mental institution there", she explained, "But at least she's not heavily relying on a ventilator for breathing."

I sulked a little when Sana brought up the words 'coma' and 'mental institution', but I'm thankful to hear that Chaeyoung is still alive and doing considerably well. I'm just praying that nothing drastic occurs during the weeks that Chaeyoung will cease in sleep.

"Jeongyeon also gave out the details for our last Pops Orchestra concert", Sana continued while Taeyeon painted her nails, "A majority of our members are graduating this year and Jihyo is not very confident in leading the group next year, so it might be our official last concert."

"Why does she not feel confident?"

"Mina", Sana emphasized, "Next year is our last year as Juilliard students."

Oh .

Senior year is the year that I'm going to be overloaded with work. Senior recital, juries, auditions, Juilliard Orchestra rehearsals, graduation — all on top of normal classes, homework, daily practice, and reed-making. I highly doubt that I'm going to continue working at the Disability Resources Center unless I keep getting mundane tasks such as sharpening pencils and translating for the deaf.

It makes sense why Jihyo not be able to lead the Pops Orchestra next year. We're losing a majority of our current members after they graduate this year. Recruiting new talents is going to be a hassle because we don't have a huge reputation on campus in comparison to the other ensembles. Maestro Ishii, our conductor, will also be fulfilling an internship overseas so there goes the trouble of finding her replacement.

"Tzuyu and Dahyun devised the repertoire for our final concert", Sana continued, "It will be revealed next week."

I stifled a laugh, "Wasn't Dahyun the one that recommended Totoro?"

"I think so."

"Red is a really nice color, Mina", Sooyoung enthused, inspecting the nail polish container that I chose, "Red is the most emotionally intense of all colors and it represents strength, power, courage determination as well as passion, desire, and love. Those are the virtues of a musician."

"Ha ha ha... yeah", I chuckled bashfully.

"Red also indicates danger", Taeyeon warned with a teasing smile, "Oh, Mina. You have no incoming dangers, right?"

My voice faltered, "I hope not..." 

At the end of our appointment, Sana tipped the stylists before we headed back to the Royal Albert Hall for one last late-night practice session. I'm fortunate to say that rehearsal went well; well enough that Pickard, Whitacre, and Seohyun treated Sana and I out for dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Central London. Cheese soufflés, grilled quail, and duchess potatoes exquisitely wrapped up a long day.

I was married to my hotel bed at the end of today's odyssey. A staff member stuffed a lavender-scented pouch inside the pillow sheets and I felt that I was being transported to the countryside with this beautiful meadow. There were no buildings in sight; just woods, mountains, and rivers. The delicate warm winds swayed the tall grass and blooming daisies every so slightly. The white daisies stood tall against the true blue sky as their soft, fragrant smell drifted through the breeze. And, if you just opened your mouth, you can almost taste it. Just almost. The buzzing of bees swirling around the daisy dotted meadow and the welcoming spring breeze against your skin. I was almost positive that I was in peace.

*RING*

"Oh... ..."

In the middle of the night, there were incessant vibrations in the left side of my head. It's like that high-pitched TV noise that rung during the 70s and the 80s, electronic static that buzzed at a speedy rate. Then I had this massive headache, as if a dam broke in my brain and all the blood began gushing out of my left ear. This has to be one of the most painful cases of tinnitus that I've experienced in months. I withheld this for an hour.

I contemplated waking up Sana and calling for an ambulance, but then the pain subsided and there wasn't really a reason to shout for help anymore. I took the lavender eye pouch and dropped it on top of my eyelids in hopes that I would drift away to that same meadow in my dreams.

Calling for an ambulance is expensive. This pain will only occur once in a blue moon. I told myself. It's not going to happen again, don't worry. 

BONUS (Chaeyoung's Dreams Part 2/3)

Wednesday: September 11, 2019

Chaeyoung's dream shifted from the beach to Shake Shack across the American Museum of Natural History. She was back in New York City again, and Bolbbalgan4 was resounding in the backdrop for a reason that she could not comprehend. Chaeyoung peered through the glass windows of the establishment to see Dahyun dropping in, long locks of black hair that were untainted by any kind of hair dye. Across from Dahyun was another girl with moderately long dark brown hair, drumming her knuckles against the table top. It's also Chaeyoung — first-year Chaeyoung to be exact.

This was during their first year of Juilliard.

Wait. Why am I watching my first date with Dahyun? 

Chaeyoung had already lost a majority of her hearing at this point, and she prepared for her worst by learning sign language beforehand. However, Chaeyoung needed some stress relief from her incoming impairment, so she did the unthinkable and turned to Tzuyu — her Aural Skills classmate — to help her find a partner. Chaeyoung knew about her uality from that one year where she was thrown into a drum corps with toned women that pulled her in to watch lesbian movies on tour. Oh, and from the day that she began to rave about Mina Myoui too.

Tzuyu hooked her up with her best friend, Dahyun, whom she moved to The Bronx with to escape from conservative College Station. Dahyun and Chaeyoung had virtually the same interests — classical music, anime, and video games. They were pretty compatible with each other.

"I'm glad that you agreed to be my partner!" Dahyun stretched out her arm and exclaimed almost over-enthusiastically.

"Eh?"

"Say, why don't I take you to the Asian Invasion tomorrow?" Dahyun hyperly suggested, "Then maybe we can do some lip-smacking?"

Already?

"Oh, Chaeyoung. Our relationship is going to be great. I can already feel it!"

Thursday: November 21, 2019

The double bassist puckered her lips and dragged Chaeyoung under the scalloped covers on her bed. She looked into Chaeyoung's dark brown eyes, heads at the same level. Chaeyoung's face went slack as shot open, body unmoving, and color draining from her face as they stared wide-eyed at each other. But then Dahyun leans in, soft lips pressed against the percussionist like soft, fluffy pillows.

"Hey Dahyun, SinB wants to know if she can borrow your Nintendo Swi—" Tzuyu pauses in her stride, witnessing the affectionate display.

Chaeyoung's blood flowed rapidly in her cheeks, making her as red as a lobster. She lifted her hands out of Dahyun's and pulled them up high to her shoulders, where the taller girl entwined them with her jet black hair. Dahyun puts her hands around Chaeyoung's waist and pulls her closer to her chest with the glow of white candlelights in the background. Two lonely figures had found love; it was their music of the night.

"What the ?" Tzuyu whispered to herself as she slowly began to close the door. Then she shrugged; it was just young love made anew.

Dahyun retracts her lips from Chaeyoung's to reply to her friend, "Tell SinBooty that she can have my as long as Yerin doesn't drop it."

Like that one time Yerin dropped Dahyun's Nintendo 3DS.

Chaeyoung picked at her ear. The tinnitus functioned like the inner workings of a computer, the processor being picked up by the computer's analog components and speakers. It wasn't just annoying, it was extremely debilitating. She couldn't enjoy Dahyun's company like she used to. It wasn't that Dahyun was a terrible person or anything; Dahyun is actually a great person. Humorous, confident, whimsical — all things entertaining. Chaeyoung was just afraid that she wouldn't be able to commit time to Dahyun. The fact that Chaeyoung was going into deafness was making it difficult for her to cope with herself and her "not-deaf" girlfriend. She didn't want to be a burden to Dahyun. 

What a mistake that I've made. Chaeyoung kind of regrets going into a romantic relationship too fast. She wasn't ready for the commitment, she barely knew Dahyun before Tzuyu hooked them up. They sort of just dived into the love factor without properly getting to know each other first.

"Oh, Chaeyoung", Dahyun was tugging her arm, "I'm so sorry. Do you want to continue?"

"Umm..."

"Chaeyoung, what's wrong? You've been out of it lately", Dahyun blinked at her, worried eyes flickering over the shorter girl's face. 

Monday: December 2, 2019

Chaeyoung had officially lost all of her hearing.

They had arranged to meet at Indie Food & Wine, a conventional café across the block that offered discounts to Juilliard students. Chaeyoung let out a soft sigh as she waited for Dahyun to finish reading her handwritten letter, eyes peering at the tedious swirling motions in her café au lait.

----
Dear Dahyun,

Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet me here. I have something very important to express and I won't blame you if you become upset or even angry. All I hope is that you can understand where I'm coming from and that we can work something out.

I think I need more time to myself. I've had a lot of anxiety building up within me and I don't want it to affect you in any way. I just want you to know that I'm grateful for the time that we've spent together. I've learned a lot from you and now I'm positive about what I need for myself. You're a wonderful person, but it's too early to go into a romantic relationship, I just want to remain as friends for now.

If you find someone else that you'd favor to be in a relationship in, go ahead. You don't have to wait for me. We have to do what's best for us.
----

Dahyun folded the letter and surprisingly, gleamed at Chaeyoung. She whipped out her phone and texted something to Chaeyoung.

[Kim Dahyun. 6:24 p.m.] Thank you for being honest with me. I apologize for rushing things. I should've gotten to know you better first.

Chaeyoung beamed at the double bassist.

[Kim Dahyun. 6:25 p.m.] I don't want to be selfish. I think it's important that you take care of yourself too. 

Tears were about to fill up in Chaeyoung's eyes.

She wasn't expecting such a gracious reaction from Dahyun, among all people. Dahyun propped her hands on Chaeyoung's trembling shoulders, putting the percussionist even more in shock as her anxious gaze meets with the double bassist's enchantingly dark eyes.

"Don’t give up on yourself", Dahyun optimistically outputted to the girl, her smile growing even wider. In that timeframe, Chaeyoung couldn't understand what Dahyun was trying to convey to her because she was deaf. But now that Chaeyoung is watching this scene through a dream, everything falls together. "Even though you're deaf, you can still accomplish great things! Don't let anyone try to bring you down."

A/N: Don't mind the fortieth measure, please. I love the name BLACKPINK and these are just Mina's internal thoughts.

Also, I would have Sana and Mina do pedicures but this would happen.

Characters