Bii: I Wanna Say

“Kim Jongdae, son of Kim Youngwoon . . .”

There was barely any remembrance of Jongdae's life. There was no funeral, no flowers, not even a grave. Just a room full of sombre family, a nondescript box of ashes and an elder reciting Jongdae's facts in a monotonous voice.

“ . . . twenty years old . . .”

Jongin didn't want to be there, each word spoken by the elder a stake hammering in the reality that Jongdae was dead. But he stayed where he was, staring straight forward and keeping his blank. He was the eye of the storm, the words flying around his head in a tornado and it was all he could do to stay upright.

And he was still frozen in place afterward, when the recitation was over and the lines of people broke, forming again in front of him.

Relative after faceless relative gave their condolences to Jongin, coming and going in a blur. He didn't hear anything they said and just forced a nod every so often. They looked at him with pity and gave him supposedly sympathetic pats and he wanted to scream.

What did they know? Where was Sehun? Why wasn't Sehun here? Why was he so alone in this crowded room?

“Hey.”

Jongin forced himself to focus on the new person in front of him and his cousin's face came into view. “Hyuna . . .”

The girl gently grabbed his hand and pulled him through the throngs of people into the relatively empty living room. Living room, Jongin thought vaguely, chuckling sadly at the irony. Why was his life so full of ironies? It was just one big joke. A satire comedy for the sadistic god's viewing pleasure. He was nothing, nothing without his brother.

Hyuna let go of his hand and they stood awkwardly. “I just saved you from all those aunts and uncles,” she said lightly.

“Ah yes,” Jongin said. “Fresh air.”

“Aren't you going to thank me?” the younger asked, pouting.

“Thank you, my dear cousin.”

Hyuna made a face, but quickly shifted into something more serious. They were all good at that -- laughing when they were sad, joking when they were mourning, and then pushing away the childish innocence to temporarily transform into an adult. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

She studied Jongin. “No, you're not.”

The boy grimaced. “Then why did you ask?”

Hyuna sighed and absently twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “We all know you and Jongdae oppa were the closest. Didn't you notice how everyone lined up in front of you? And you're not okay now, but just remember that we're all still here. And I'll keep asking if you're okay, until you can say you are without lying.”

Jongin was touched and he felt new tears coming, but instead, he rolled his eyes. “You need to stop reading those sentimental books. But . . . thanks.”

His cousin smiled at him. “I'll stop bothering you now.”

Jongin didn't respond and just watched Hyuna walk away, blending back into the mass of faceless family relatives.

~ ~ ~

He found himself wandering into Jongdae's room. It was still left untouched, everything exactly where they should, how they should, even though the owner would never return. He walked around aimlessly, stopping at the table where Jongdae's iPod was still charging. Impulsively, Jongin turned it on and played the next song on the playlist.

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, sitting face to face, neither of them are me. Looking at the sky outside, the window's like a cage. I'm the bird, you're the sky. I want to fly, but I don't want to leave. It's too late to turn back time.

Sitting on the bed, letting the song fill his senses, it almost felt normal.

But it's okay. I'm still here to ask myself, “Are you okay? Are you okay?” And I want to hear you say, “I am okay, I am okay.” And I want to tell the world. I wanna say, I wanna say that I know, I am okay.

He could almost hear Jongdae's voice, the offhanded way he would say, “Okay, okay, whatever” whenever Jongin asked him to do something, whenever Jongin . And he thought of how Hyuna asked Jongin if he was okay and how easily he had lied.

I wanna say, I wanna say that no matter who I forget, I have no regrets. I wanna say, I wanna say that I know I am okay.

“I'm okay,” Jongin tried saying.

No, I'm not.

~ ~ ~

The walls in the Kim mansion were thin and Sehun could hear the ballad streaming in from Jongdae's room. He thought about going in there, letting Jongin know he was still there with him, but for some reason, he couldn't move from his spot. He had been there since the afternoon and now it was night. He probably should go turn on the lights, but the darkness was paralyzing. He was a mafia child. He was supposed to be desensitized to death, but instead, he grew weaker and weaker, more and more fragile. He felt so alone, so vulnerable.

Curling into a ball, he felt so small, so forgotten, so negligible.

Why did everyone he loved have to leave? It didn't matter if they died all at once, or one by one. They all died -- they were all killed -- and he was left behind. He had killed so many people, but that count couldn't seem to catch up with the number of people he had lost.

Who did he have left?

Jongin, who was just as lost. Sehun needed an anchor, someone solid enough to convince him of stability. He was a plastic bag, tossed carelessly in the wind.

He was only twelve when he watched his entire family die. And now he knew who did it -- who took everyone away. The reason why he was alive, but also alone. But at the same time, that person was the only one left. With the barrage of mixed emotions slamming into him, he pushed himself out of his position. His legs were numb, but he forced himself forward, forward onto a path with no destination.

Sehun was met with the brisk cold air as soon as he stepped out of the Kim's house. Autumn was coming soon. Everything would start dying and the world would just be as gloomy as his life. But despite the chilly weather, Seoul's night life was still as vibrant as ever.

He found himself jostled into the masses on the sidewalk, some rushing, some walking idly and waiting for the streetlight to turn green. There were so many people all around him, but he still felt alone. They didn't know who he was, they didn't care who he was. So what if everyone he loved died? They would just glance at him in pity, cluck in sympathy and move on with their lives. If he decided to kill them, they might care. They might look at him in fear, in hatred and then they would die and leave him behind again.

Sehun scoffed at the morbidness of his thoughts and some heads turned towards him. Judgemental, always judgemental. He glared until the strangers looked away and he kept his mind blank as he began pushing through the crowds again.

~ ~ ~

When Sehun finally reached the apartment building, he opted to run up the four flights of stairs. Now, breathlessly, he pounded on Zitao's door. “Open up,” he muttered through gritted teeth, trying not to hear Candy's small yips.

The door swung open without notification and Sehun almost fell forward.

“Sehun?” The surprise was evident in Zitao's face. They hadn't talked since that night.

“Did you kill Jongdae?" Sehun demanded without preamble.

“Jongdae?” Zitao echoed, furrowing his brows. “No? What ha-”

“He died!” Sehun cried. “He died, but who would ing kill him?” He reached over to grab the other's collar, but his hands trembled and Zitao held him tightly. In those strong arms, the fight and life in Sehun gave out and he crumpled, sagging.

“Sehun . . .” Zitao murmured softly. “I didn't do it, I have no clue who did it, but we'll find the murderer, okay? We'll do that tomorrow, and we'll just sleep tonight.”

The boy didn't protest as Zitao carried him into the bedroom, but as they lay in bed, he tried to find something to say. He wanted to say “thank you” and "I'm sorry" and “I love you” but instead, he just whispered, “Please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone.”

Zitao pressed his lips gently onto Sehun's. “I'll never leave you. I promise.”

Wow I just realized that "thank you, I'm sorry, I love you" are lyrics to Promise...

and I wrote this chapter before the song came out, so do I have some telepathic communication with chenxingyeol? kekeke

And also, Tao's voice in Call Me Baby is just amazing. like wow