Bii: I'm Still Missing You

"Dad, I was on a date," Jongin, who finally arrived, whined.

Sehun, who had been standing in Mr. Kim's study for a while now, turned to glare at the latecomer. "Me too, so it up."

Kim Youngwoon waited patiently for his son to amble over to his position beside Sehun. "There is a traitor in the family," he began without preamble.

"A month ago," Youngwoon explained to the confused boys, "your cousin Kim Himchan requested to leave the family because he fell for someone and wanted a safe and stable life. After much careful consideration, we approved his request. However, evidently, one can't be careful enough. As you all know, leaving is allowed if the reason is understandable, but he left for the leader of the group BAP."

"Isn't that just a rookie gang?" Jongin interjected.

"Yeah," Sehun said, following his friend. "And we're a business family, so they aren't a danger, right?"

Youngwoon chucked grimly. "Yes and no. BAP may be just another street gang, but Himchan has been brought up as the heir to his father's business. He knows all our ways and secrets. Do you two know the saying, 'your best friend, once betrayed, will become your greatest enemy'? This is the prime example of it. Maybe Himchan didn't think of betraying us, but there is no doubt that BAP knows how powerful of an asset he is to them. We've already made a mistake, and we've decided that we can't let this problem worsen."

The silence that hung over the study was heavy and dark and when Jongin spoke, it shattered, broken shards digging into the plush carpet. "So you want us to get rid of him?"
 

~ ~ ~

The silence was back, weighing down on them as Jongin and Sehun walked slowly to Jongdae's room. The eldest had already learned of the news and the two younger ones needed someone to talk to.

"I never thought I'd have to kill a Kim before," Jongin finally said. "We're family. We don't kill each other."

Sehun made an understanding noise. Though not blood related, he had been brought up with them and the importance of family had been grilled into his mind since birth. He owed his life to the Kims and what Jongin's father had just told them to do was absurd. "Do you even know Himchan?"

Jongin shrugged. "I have too many cousins, but I think I remember him."

"Why does your dad want us to kill him?" Sehun mumbled to the floor.

"It shouldn't be that hard to pretend he's not family," Jongin said, ignoring the question and instead acting as if he truly believed it but failing miserably.

Sehun chuckled by way of exhaling heavily and the two surrendered to the silence.
 

~ ~ ~

“Himchan is making this easy for us. BAP territory is in the part of the city that the police most definitely couldn't care less about and he isn't suspecting any danger at all. From us, at least. He hasn't changed his phone and I'm pretty sure Dad already has Sungjoo tracking him. So then on the day, Jongin, you can just show up and do your thing. And Sehun, you can-”

“Hyung, please,” Sehun whined, cutting Jongdae off. “We came to you so we could complain about this. Not for you to talk about how we should do this.”

Jongdae sighed. The two younger boys were in his room and he wasn't sure why. He was horrible at giving advice, giving reassurance, but as the oldest, he still had to try. “I know it's difficult, but-”

“Hyung!” Jongin cut him off this time. “I really don't want to. We're family. All our lives, we've been told to protect family. Kill for family, not kill family. That's not supposed to happen.”

“I know it's difficult,” Jongin began again. “But you have to face it. Just treat it as a normal kill.”

“Oh my god!” Sehun suddenly exclaimed. Both Kim brothers turned to stare at him. “You said leaving the family won't be risking my life,” he said accusingly to Jongdae. “So what is this? If I want to quit for Tao, you two will kill me.”

“This isn't about you,” Jongin said, opting to let out his frustration on his friend instead. After dodging the pillow Sehun threw at him, he collapsed onto the bed, burrowing his face into the sheets and leaving Jongdae to deal with the boy.

Jongdae sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that night. “Is Tao in a rival gang?”

“ . . . No,” Sehun mumbled.

“Then you're not going to die.”

He reached over to pull Jongin up and wanted to continue, but found that his train of thought was totally destroyed. “It's late,” he finally said. “You two should leave.”

“Yes!” Jongin said, rolling off the bed. “We should leave! Sehun needs his beauty sleep.” The youngest mumbled something along the lines of “what the ?” but allowed Jongin to pull him out the room without protest.
 

One of the two shut the lights as they went out and when the door slammed shut, Jongdae was left alone in the dark with his thoughts.

He wasn't really sure why he was affected. He wasn't the one who was going to have to kill a cousin. This had nothing to do with him. But who was he kidding?

In the darkness, he wished desperately for that someone he could always spill his troubles to, but all that remained of that someone was in a box, purposely forgotten in a corner. And now all Jongdae had left was an endless pile of depressing songs that he numb himself with -- breakup songs that he could listen to and pretend it was only that. A breakup.

Although, Jongdae wasn't even sure if he was allowed to feel that way. They were never truly in love.

If, if you are a pretty view. And then, and then I love you this much but you turn me into a mere passerby.

Jongdae loved him, but the only person that he had loved was that girl. And he had been so happy with that girl, happy to find someone who could look away from his sins, happy to find someone who could make him a better person. And Jongdae was happy for him too, until that girl stabbed him in the back -- both literally and figuratively -- and Jongdae was left alone.

No, no, I can't be so obsessed. Stupid, stupid, I'm lying to myself and all these memories are unnecessary.

It was pathetic. What could the owner of so many brothels and slaves have known about love? All that was certain was that Jongdae loved him, but all he could have for solace were stupid songs and pretending it was just a breakup. Not a one-sided relationship that ended in death. Not a one-sided relationship that somehow led his younger brother to seduce innocent people so he could kill them. So, so pathetic. So, so unnecessary.

Such a touching a movie, such depressing weather. I try so hard to forget, but the whole world keeps reminding me.

“So stupid,” Jongdae muttered to himself as he let the slow ballad wash over him. The lyrics muffled his thoughts, but left a bad aftertaste and he kind of wanted to cry. But why did he want to cry? Nothing ever made sense anyway.

All that was certain was that Kim Jongdae missed Kim Junmyeon so much, so damn much.

I'm still missing you, such a simple thing like breathing. I can't live without you, I need your air. I'm still missing you, such a difficult thing like breathing underwater. The silhouette that I can't grasp, fading through time, disappearing bit by bit.

But I'm still missing you.