Chanyeol’s POV

I move the chair backward, tried to grab my briefcase as fast as I can. It was already time for me to go home. Normally, I would be staying up at my office a bit longer, might be for one hour because of works or because of the jammed but not today, I wanted to go somewhere first before I went back home. I grasped and caressed my chest in shock when I turned around, only to see one of my workers were standing there, looking at me wordlessly and grinned after that while scratched his nape. Well, he was shocked like me as well.

“Is there anything you want here, Jongin?” I asked then, pinned my look at him who looks very nervous. This was not the first time he looked nervous, almost whenever he face me, might be he was just uncomfortable around me. After all, he was a new kid here, just three months he was working here.

“Are you going back early today, sir?”

“Yes.” I answered, switched off the computer and stood up while reached my phone and slipped it into my briefcase.

“I-I…” Jongin paused makes me looked at him and raised my eyebrows while mouthed ‘what’. He bowed at me and smiled, “No, sir. I just…yeah drive carefully, sir.” He bowed once again, looked away and turned around, to make his way out from my office.

“Jongin…” He stopped right before he reached the door knob. I sighed and said, “You can use the kitchen before you go home but make sure you clean it after you use it. Though I wonder why you insist to not go home early, but it’s not my business after all. Just, don’t make a mess when I’m not here.”

“Sir… I-I just want to be like you. You said you never stop trying to find your own way to cook something, so I think as a chef I can’t just follow other recipes. I want to find my own way to cook foods and I too, want to create new delicious foods. I look up for you because you’re my inspiration, and I’m not embarrassed to say that even though you’re the same gender like me. Even though I don’t know why you stop cooking, but still… I look up for you as much as I did before, no less.” Well, a long essay he gave to me at that moment with his confident and the utmost concern when he mentioned about him who was stop cooking long time ago. It was been a year since I stopped and it was since Nana…  I was mentally cried at the mention of her name. “I’m sorry for that, sir.”

I nodded and smiled. “It’s okay. I’ll going out now, once again… make sure you’ll clean the mess. If not… you know what am I going to be, right?”

Basically, a monster and all of the workers knew it which was why they always avoided him to have a contact with the messiness they make.

“I’m relieved that you’re okay but I wish you could act better. It’s crystal clear. And sir, I always pray for it.” Then, his voice stopped there as he heard the door was already closed. Jongin looked up at me so much, so I guessed he knew the exact reason for me to stop. I closed my eyes, reminded those days when cooking always being my passion; nothing could top my passion for it. Sleepless, researched, practiced; I could live only with cooking, it was like my second life- without it I’m not happy. Even Eunyoung always complaint, saying that I was rarely staying at home before, have not time to take care of her. As one of the brother and sibling she had, she could not help but felt lonelier because I had no time to spend with her. And now, I felt sorry towards her and tried to take care of her rightly, so that was one of the reason I stopped and became a founder of my restaurant, though it was not recently I found it. I was striking in hardship right after I quit job as a chef at the restaurant, nothing happened in my way. Until Hanbyul found out about it and help me to find out, and by then, I built a new restaurant with my saving. My baby step into business, little did I felt lost but make it until now. People asked, why stopped cooking and going into the same path of busyness but I knew what I did. If I’m a chef, I was sure that I would spent my 24 hours at the kitchen but right now, I went back early and just staying up when I have to. But it was not like I spent too much time in office, I was just staying up for two or three hours, for the longest time.

One more reason was… because of Nana. I had rather to not talking about it. Whenever I talked, I would be in tears. Let’s just stop here. I doubt I could mention her name without felt mixture of feeling. All of it was attacking me at once and I knew I would drown back to my old self. You know how hard was for me to overcome it before? Me, witness the accident by my two eyes, I was looking at it without knowing what I should do, me who just froze at the spot, me who tried to hold in my tears when I saw her body which covered with bloods. At that time, half or my life were taken away. Those feeling, it was more awful than when I heard about Dara’s incident.

You know how lifeless I was after that, I was like a walking –zombie. I was breathing but I wish I’d never. I was living but I wish I’d never. I lost myself for months. I was acting like I was tough but I’m living with tears every single days. Even, right at the moment, I could not stop thinking about her. No matter how hard it was, I tried to keep holding on, survived my days and strengthened myself for a matter of believe.

“It’s been a while since I last visiting you, right? Times running fast, it’s been a year.” I smiled and put the bouquet of flower on the tombstone. “I’m sorry for that, I’m quite busy with life lately, I should’ve visiting you here early but things didn’t work like I wished.”

I simply stared at it while playing with my fingers; the smile vanished from my face. “I-I died. You must know the reason for it right? I died…twice but why I feel the second time is hurting me more. I thought you leaving me were enough but why did you’ve to take her with you, why? Whenever I saw her unmoved body, it’s like… my life is being taken one by one. She hasn’t yet but I felt like… she has. Did you really taking her with you?”

I wiped my tears that keep falling onto my cheeks. “I can’t live without her and I… I won’t. I don’t lose my hope but at the same time, I lost it. I’m holding myself, I’m telling myself to do so, but not any normal human can do it. I broke inside; I’m broken and still will be. How to move on like they said? How to?”

That was what I felt, to be very honest I’m sick of living my life anymore. Without her, I’m nothing but only a body without any soul in it. I was lifeless. I was broken, I was hurt. My heart still could not get used with it even though I already felt for the first time with Dara’s death. No, Dara’s was bearable but Nana’s… this is worst and unbearable.

“I’m sorry for saying my thought here, it’s been a while but all I can do is talk about my feeling. I’ve no one to talk to, and it’s tiring to act like I’m okay. I’ll go back now, see you again… Dara.” My voice changed huskier because I cried so much. After keeping my feeling inside, this was the first time I let it out loud. It might not a best way but little did I felt relieved. I glanced at the tombstone for the last time before I turned around.

I checked the phone screen with empty feeling, sighed and swiped the screen to answer the call.

“Where’re you?”

“Somewhere…”

“Ah! That’s why I call your office just now and you didn’t answer.”

“Why did you call my office?”

“I want to tell you something but I didn’t reach you when I call your phone. That’s why…” Silent, I did not say anything, just waiting for Hanbyul to tell me about it. Might be, a love problem again. “Chanyeol-ah…”

“Hmmm…” I answered him, Hanbyul silent again and huffed. I could not what kind of sigh was that, a sign of relief or worry or what?

“Chanyeol-ah. Nana…” I break my jeep immediately before pulled off to the side of the road when I heard honking from the car behind. Wait! Please do not say that she could not… “She make it, Nana is awake! Her mother calls me just now. Chanyeol-ah, she’s awake. Oh God, thank you so much. I-I… just come here Chanyeol-ah but don’t speed up, okay.”

With that, Hanbyul disconnected the call, leaving me speechless. I smiled, after all those things happened, I could pull a smile on my face again. Without thinking much, I started to drive to the hospital which was taking longer time to arrive there, making me could not wait any longer