“There are memories that time does not erase... Forever does not make loss forgettable, only bearable.” – Cassandra Clare, City of Heavenly Fire

I stood outside our old house, looking around and remembering all the past. My childhood memories until the last day I spent in that year before I went to sleep. It’s like going back in time and watching your own self relive it. I can see myself playing on the ground with friends, going to school and coming back home. I see myself following Yunho hyung around, talking to my parents, annoying Jonghyun and bringing Joohyun to meet my parents. I sigh, recalling the past just made me more melancholic.

I pressed the doorbell and the caretaker, Park Chulmin Ahjussi opened the gate for me. “Annyeonghaseyo,” I greeted him. He stared at me so I offered him my smile. “Aigoo, you look so much like Yonghwa. You’re Jung Sajangnim’s third son, am I right?” the caretaker asked me. “Ne, I’m Jung Yonghwa, Ahjussi,” I answered him awkwardly. I pretended not to know him even though I am itching to hug him. I remembered him playing with me and Yunho hyung. He often accompanied Hyung and me whenever my parents are not around when I was a child. “Aigoo, he must have named you after Yonghwa seeing as you look so much like him,” Chulmin Ahjussi commented, taking me inside the house. “Did your dad tell you where to go? I have somewhere to go so is it ok if I leave you here alone?” he asked me. “Of course, Dad gave me his instructions already,” I answered him. He is still staring at me so I pretended to look around to avoid his eyes. I’m afraid that if I look to him, he would find out the truth. “So, I’ll take my leave. Just lock the door when you go out. It was nice meeting you child,” Chulmin Ahjussi said. “Thank you, Ahjussi,” I said. He went outside and after making sure that he is gone, I went straight into my old room. I was surprised to see that nothing has changed. Everything is in its proper place exactly the same as I arranged it. My books, guitars, wardrobe and even my bed and its sheets are the same. I saw my own pictures on the desk as well as on the side table beside my bed. Pictures with my family, with Jonghyun and more pictures with Joohyun are all on display. I took one picture where Joohyun and I were sitting on a bench, my arms wrapped around her shoulder with smiles on both of our faces. I remembered asking Jonghyun to take this picture. We just graduated from  college and on our way to our celebration. Jonghyun took this photo of Joohyun and me.  I sat on the bed and stared at the picture.

“Annyeong, Joohyun. How are you? I hope you’re happy wherever you are. Me? I’m ok. Still here. Still surviving. Even without you. Do you miss me, Hyunnie? Because I miss you so much. I miss you like crazy. I’m pretending to be fine but deep inside, I’m scared and lonely. Everywhere I go, I see you. Everything I do, it reminds me of you. What should I do? Help me, Hyunnie. Tell me what to do.” I said all of that while staring at Joohyun’s smiling face, hoping she can give me an answer.

I stayed there a while longer then I took the picture out of its frame and put it inside my wallet. I stood up and opened my desk drawer. I took out Jonghyun’s entire notes that he asked me to keep. Before closing the door to my room, I look around one more time focusing on another picture of Joohyun on my side table.

--------------------------------------

Few days later at the Jung’s breakfast table, Yunho and Boa were eating breakfast. “Where are the children?” Yunho asked his wife. “Ilwoo and Jinwoon both went to the hospital. Eunji went to school,” Boa answered before taking a bite on her food. “How about Yonghwa?” Yunho asked. “He went to school too. A bit earlier than the others,” Boa replied. Yunho nodded and continue eating. “Yeobo, have you noticed something different about Yonghwa these past few days?” Boa asked. “No, why did you ask?” Yunho replied. He looked at his wife, worry etched on his face. “I just noticed that he seems sad after going to the old house,” Boa commented. She also momentarily stopped eating to focus on their conversation. “He must be remembering the past and he might still have a hard time adapting to this generation. We need to give him time,” Yunho said, taking Boa’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Why don’t we ask Eunji and Jinwoon to introduce some of their friends to Yonghwa? It might help him cope,” Boa suggested. “Eunji already made Yonghwa joined the school’s music club. He loves playing guitar so it might help him,” Yunho said. Boa smiled at him and he smiled back, assuring each other that they will face this problem together.

--------------------------------------

I walked around the school aimlessly after my classes ended. After strolling around, I opted to sit on one of the benches and stared at nothing. My mind is a jumbled of memories, thoughts and other things that makes me confused and unable to distinguish what to feel. A while later, someone sat beside me. I was surprised to see Seohyun, sitting there with a smile on her face. “Annyeong!” she greeted me.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked her. She smiled wickedly and answered, “By magic!” I looked at her unconvincingly. She shrugged her shoulders and pointed at the building upfront. “I saw you by the window while I am in class,” she explained.

A silence fell between us to which Seohyun broke by talking to me. “Oppa, what’s bothering you?” I looked at her then I shook my head. “Nothing, what makes you think something is bothering me?” I denied. Now it’s her turn to look at me unconvincingly. “No one in their right mind will sit here on this bench alone, staring at nothing for more than an hour. It’s obvious something’s on your mind,” she said.

“I’m just thinking some things, different things,” I said. “You can tell it to me. Share your troubles, I mean,” she offered. I steal a glance on her way before staring ahead. “Sharing things with friends lessen the burden. Since we’re friends, Oppa, it is my obligation to help you,” she added.

I smiled at her and said the word “friends”, lingering on it. “Yes, friends. We’re friends, Oppa,” Seohyun said, assuring me. I nod my head to show that I agree with her and she beamed in return.

Another silence filled the space between us.

“You once said that I must be a good friend,” I said after a long silence. “Huh?” she looked at me, confusedly. “Back at the café, you said that I must be a good friend because I agreed to be a test subject,” I clarified. I stare at the building in front. It’s all coming back to me. The most devastating day of my life. The memories engulf me, making it hard to breathe.

“Ah, ne… Jungshin said that it was a dangerous procedure,” I heard her say. I glance at her. She was looking at her hands on her lap. She bit her lower lip. I notice that when she bit her lower lip, it is a sign of nervousness for her.  I looked away from her. “It’s not true,” I said. I stare at my feet. I can’t look at her. She reminds me so much of Joohyun. It hurts too much to look at her face, knowing it’s not Joohyun. It will never be Joohyun.

“It’s not dangerous?” she asked me. Even her voice sounds like Joohyun. This is pure torture for me yet I chose to stay and tell to her, hoping that she is right and that sharing what is troubling me might help in decreasing the hurt that I’m feeling. “Ani, I meant I’m not a good friend,” I said even though I am having a hard time continuing our talk. “Why not?” she asked me again. “Jonghyun didn’t ask me to be a test subject. He is completely opposed to the idea citing how dangerous it is.”

“Then how?” Seohyun mumbled.

“I forced him. I forced my best friend to make me his test subject,” I said, breathing heavily. I remember arguing with Jonghyun and begging him to help me. I remember Jonghyun agreeing to me. I remember him performing the procedure even though he didn’t want to. I remember telling him that he was a good friend before I close my eyes.

“Why?” Seohyun asked me. It is obvious she was shocked at what she heard. “Why would you that?” she asked again. I rubbed my face with both of my hands. I must have looked pathetic. I breathe deeply, gathering some strength to continue my story.

“I had a girlfriend. We were happy and totally in love. I planned to propose to her so I asked her to meet me in our favorite restaurant. I sat by the window, waiting for her.” I can’t help but smile a bittersweet smile at the memory of Joohyun. Memories of us talking, spending time with each other and with our friends and just being together filled my mind. “I kept on practicing how to tell her when I looked up and saw her crossing the street. She saw me too. She waved at me, smiling when out of nowhere a car hit her.” I closed my eyes, thinking of how that car hit Joohyun, seeing Joohyun with blood all over her body and me, crying and begging for her to stay conscious; to stay alive. The shock, terror and despair that I felt all came back.

“I’m sorry,” I heard Seohyun said.

“She was in a coma, brain dead. Her parents didn’t want to prolong her suffering. They want to cut the life support. I begged Jonghyun to put her inside the tank but he can’t. He needed a healthy test subject. I had no choice. I can’t see her die so I decided that I won’t see it. I forced Jonghyun to put me to sleep for a year and you know what happened after….” I said. My tears fall and I quickly wipe it away. I hang my head low, staring at the ground. Talking about it made me feel like I’m watching the memories happened again. My feelings were a jumbled mess. Jonghyun’s face, Joohyun’s face and the accident kept on replaying inside my head like a broken video.

“The plan worked, I think,” Seohyun said hesitantly. “Although it is forty years later, you didn’t see her die just like what you wanted. Now what’s left is to move on. I’m sure your girlfriend would have wanted that.”

“Ani, the plan didn’t work,” I said shaking my head repeatedly.

“What do you mean?” she asked me.

“I know how dangerous it was. I was counting on it. I didn’t want to see her die. I wanted to die with her. I’m not supposed to wake up to a world without her. Not a year later. Certainly not forty years later.” I’m afraid to look at Seohyun. I’m afraid to see her reaction to what I said. I’m afraid to see pity in her eyes as I don’t want her to pity me.

“You don’t mean that. You’re hurt and confused. You don’t really want that,” she said, lightly touching my shoulder. I stood up, creating distance between me and her. My back was facing her. “I saw her got hit by that car unable to do anything. When she was in a coma, I stood outside her room still unable to help. I would do anything. Give everything just to be with her,” I said. I ran my hands on my hair, messing it up more. “We were supposed to be together. I was supposed to be with her forever.”

Seohyun stood up and held my arm, turning me to face her, “I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t want you to die. You said she loved you. She would have wanted you to be happy.” She looked at me seriously, maintaining eye contact. She stood close to me. I stepped back. “I need her to be happy. She was my world. My everything. She still is. You wouldn’t understand anyway,” I said and then I walked away. I heard her shout my name but I walked faster, leaving her.

I arrived home and went straight to my room, locking myself in. I went in a corner and cried my heart out. I heard Eunji calling me to eat but I refused to talk to anyone let alone eat. I stayed inside my room for I don’t know how long, crying and tiring myself until I fell asleep.

---------------------------------------------

Boa got worried when a day passed and Yonghwa still refused to open his door. She called Yunho and explained the situation to him. Yunho used the spare key to open the door to Yonghwa’s room. There he saw Yonghwa sitting in a corner with his head between his knees.

“Yongie,” Yunho called him using his old nickname. Yonghwa looked up with tear strained eyes. “Hyung,” Yonghwa called him back. Yunho kneeled in front of him and hugged him. Seeing his brother crying made his heart ache with sadness.

“It hurts. Make it stop, Hyung. Help me,” Yonghwa whispered. “Joohyun died because of me. Jonghyun died because of me. Why am I alive? Why? I don’t understand. Make it stop, Hyung. It hurts so much,” Yonghwa cried, hitting his chest repeatedly. Yunho held his arms down to stop him from hurting himself. “If I hadn’t asked Joohyun to meet me, if I hadn’t asked Jonghyun to make me his test subject, both of them would be alive. I killed them, Hyung. I’m a murderer. So why am I still alive?” Yonghwa asked, looking at his brother like a lost child.

Yunho hugged him tight. “That’s not true. You know it’s not true. It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Yongie, you need to be strong. For yourself. For Jonghyun. For Joohyun,” Yunho said, trying to calm him. “It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do?” Yonghwa whispered. “You live, Yonghwa. You live,” Yunho said.

Yonghwa cried and cried till his voice got hoarse and he fell asleep, tired and burned out. Yunho put him on his bed and tucked him in, letting him rest. He closed the door and met Boa right outside Yonghwa’s room.

“How is he?” Boa asked. “Fine. Sleeping. He had a breakdown. I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. He held it longer than I expected,” Yunho said, rubbing his tired eyes and leading Boa to their room. “He’s been doing great these past few months,” Boa commented. “He is pre