A/N: Thanks to just_smiley author-nim for lending me this. :)

“I won’t bug you anymore
I won’t be greedy
Just lend me 24 hours”

I have a key to her place. I’ve had a key to her place for three years, but I haven’t had to ring her doorbell in all that time. I’m ringing her doorbell right now, and it doesn’t feel right. It feels as though I’m asking permission to break through an invisible barrier that shouldn’t even be here in the first place. I take a step away from the door and wait.

After several painfully long seconds, she opens the door and makes brief eye contact with me as she steps aside to let me in.

I pictured her on the drive over with her hair a mess, makeup smudged underneath her eyes from all the crying, and sporting 3-day-old pajamas. The typical heartbroken attire for a girl who just lost all trust in the person she loves. I think I would rather she looked the way I pictured her than how she actually looks. She’s dressed in her typical jeans, and her hair is neatly pulled back. There isn’t a smudge of makeup on her face or a tear in her eyes. She gives me a faint smile as she closes the front door. I watch her closely, because I’m not sure what to do.

Of course, my first instinct is to pull her to me and kiss her, but my first instinct probably isn’t the best. Instead, I wait until she goes into her living room.

I follow her, wishing more than anything that she would turn toward me and throw her arms around me.

She does turn to face me before she takes a seat, but she doesn’t throw her arms around me.

“Well?” she signs. “How do we do this?” Her expression is hesitant and pained, but at least she’s confronting it.

I know this is hard for her.

“How about we quit acting like we’re not allowed to be ourselves?” I sign. “This has been the hardest 3 days of my life, and I can’t go another second without touching you.”

I don’t give her a chance to respond before my arms are wrapped around her and I’m pulling her against me. She doesn’t resist.

Her arms wrap tightly around me, and as soon as my cheek is pressed against the top of her head, I feel her begin to cry.

This is the Taeyeon I need. The vulnerable Taeyeon. The Taeyeon who still loves me, despite what I’ve put her through.

I hug her and pull her to the couch, keeping her secured against me as I sit with her now on my lap. We continue to hold each other, neither of us knowing how to begin the conversation. I press a long kiss into her hair.

What I wouldn’t give to just be able to whisper all my apologies into her ear. I want her as close to me as possible while I tell her how sorry I am, but I can’t do that and sign everything I need to say at the same time.

I hate these moments in life where I’d give anything to be able to communicate the same way so many others take for granted.

She slowly lifts her face, and I reluctantly let her pull back. She keeps her palms pressed against my chest and looks me directly in the eye.

“Are you in love with Jessica?” she asks.

She doesn’t sign her question; she only speaks it.

The fact that she doesn’t sign it makes me think it was too hard for her even to ask. So hard that maybe she doesn’t really want to know the answer, so she didn’t really want me to understand her question.

I did understand it.

I grab both of her hands pressed against my chest, and I lift them, kissing each of her palms before releasing her hands to answer her.

“I’m in love with you, Tae.”

Her expression is tight and controlled. “That’s not what I asked.”

I look away from her, not wanting her to see the struggle in my eyes.

I close them and remind myself that lying won’t get us back to where we need to be. Taeyeon’s smart. She also deserves honesty, which isn’t at all what I’ve been giving her.

I open my eyes and look at her.

I don’t answer her with a yes or a no. I shrug, because I honestly don’t know if I’m in love with Jessica.

How could I be when I’m in love with Taeyeon? It shouldn’t be possible for the heart to love more than one person at once.

She diverts her eyes away and scoots off my lap. She stands and slowly walks the length of the living room and back. She’s thinking, so I give her a moment. I know my answer has hurt her, but I know a lie would have hurt her even more.

She finally turns to me. “I can spend all night asking you really brutal questions, Yul. I don’t want to do that. I’ve had a lot of time to think this through, and I have a lot I need to say to you.”

“If brutal questions will help you, then ask me brutal questions. Please. We’ve been together five years, and I can’t let this tear us apart.”

She shakes her head, then takes a seat on the couch opposite me. “I don’t need to ask the questions, because I already know all the answers. I just need to talk to you now about where we go from here.”

I lean forward, not liking where this is going.

I don’t like it at all. “At least, allow me to explain myself. You can’t come to a decision about what happens to us without hearing me out first.”

She shakes her head again, and my heart clenches. “I already know, Yul. I know you. I know your heart. I’ve read your conversations with Jessica. I already know what you’re going to tell me. You’re going to tell me how much you love me. How you would do anything for me.

You’re going to apologize for developing feelings for another girl, despite how hard you tried to prevent that from happening. You’re going to tell me you love me so much more than I know and how your relationship with me is so much more important to you than your feelings for Jessica.

You’re going to tell me you’ll do anything to make it up to me and that I just need to give you a chance. You’re probably going to be brutally honest with me, also, and tell me that you do have feelings for Jessica but they don’t compare to how you feel about me.”

She stands and moves to sit next to me on the couch. There are traces of tears in her eyes, but she isn’t crying anymore.

She faces me and begins signing again. “And you know what, Yul? I believe you. And I understand all of it. I do. I’ve read your conversations. It’s as if I was right there, sifting through it all while the two of you were attempting to fight whatever was developing between you.

I keep telling myself to quit logging back into your account, but I can’t stop. I’ve read those conversations a million times. I deciphered every word, every sentence, every punctuation mark. I wanted to find the spot in your conversations that proved your disloyalty to me.

I wanted to find the moment in your conversations where you became this despicable excuse for a girl by admitting that what you felt for her was purely ual.

God, Yul. I wanted to find that moment so bad, but I couldn’t. I know you kissed her, but even the kiss seemed excusable after the two of you had that open discussion about it. I’m your girlfriend, and even I began to excuse it.

I’m not saying what you did is readily forgivable, by any means. You should have asked her to move out the second you felt compelled to kiss her. Hell, you shouldn’t have ever asked her to move in if there was even the slightest possibility that you were attracted to her.

What you did was wrong in every sense of the word, but what’s so messed up is that I feel like I understand it. Maybe it’s because I know you too well, but the fact that you’re falling in love with Jessica is obvious, and I can’t just sit back and share your heart with her, Yul. I can’t do it.”

No, no, no, no, no. I quickly pull her to me, wanting the comfort of her to subdue the panic building within me.

She can be heartbroken.

She can even be pissed or terrified, but the one thing I won’t let her be is okay. She can’t just be okay with this.

Tears begin to sting my eyes as I hold her as if my embrace is somehow supposed to convince her of how I feel.

I’m shaking my head no, trying to get her not to take this conversation where I’m afraid it’s headed.

I press my lips against hers in an attempt t