chapter eighteen ; 
               exonerate

The river looked quite different this time.

And as if it wasn't the same river he had tried to commit such inhumane decision before. 

Earlier that day, Leo had typically done his work, finally returning back to his normal daily routine. No cutting, no pills, no depression, just a plain and happy life now. People were supporting him, most especially this guy named Hakyeon. That tanned guy had always stayed beside him, making him laugh and being annoyingly touchy and clingy around him. But despite that, he was never bothered. He found this... nice.  For some reason, Hakyeon had given this warm feeling to him.

Something that was completely lost from him back then.

And now, that small ball of warmth had finally been brought to life. And who knew that this annoying, bronze-skinned guy was the only one who can do so? How can he be so insensitive of this for so long?

And to celebrate this– at the same time, see if Leo has been recovering well now– Hakyeon decides to invite him for a short hang-out.

The two ate together in their favorite place, ordering their favorite dish and having a light drink, enough for them not to get drunk. Hakyeon has quite the weak alcohol tolerance, and Leo wouldn't be bothered to handle and carry a drunk friend back to his place.

And as the night went on, the two couldn't help it but to see a few familiar faces like Hongbin's. The dimpled latter looked like as if he had just came from work and had a rather petite lady walking alongside him, chatting happily with him. After a few staring done, Hakyeon noticed the familiar-looking angel beside the dimpled waiter, only to be revealed as Youngji. Ah, the sweet sight of young romance.

Unfortunately, not wanting to ruin the two's perfect stroll, the two simply continued on and walked off.

Only to be brought to a place that shook Leo awake.

Han River.

"You were pretty idiotic then, you know?" Hakyeon laughed before he nudges Leo lightly, making the latter stumble a bit but regain balance quick. Leo simply shot an eye smile before he nods. Hakyeon read through those black orbs and continued on giggling before he stopped upon receiving an equally strong nudge from the quiet one. That was a sign of competition, making the tanned one nudge him a bit stronger. And so, the nudging battle starts.

Hakyeon loses, of course, only to fall into a laughing fit. Worried that he hit his fried too hard, Leo knelt in front of him, smiling like an idiot. "Did you knock your brain out at last?" he teased, only to receive a punch from the fallen individual.

"You talk funny." Hakyeon snickered.  "As always, you do." 

Leo nods in response before he helps Hakyeon up and continues down the street, the river shimmering with the colorful lights reflected upon it. It had always looked so beautiful, not as a death bed anymore, but as a breath-catching scenario it is. Never has he seen the river in this perspective. And there, he saw how incredibly beautiful it is. "It always catches my breath." he hears Hakyeon mumble. "The beauty, that is." he smiles.

"Now that I look at it well, I can agree." Leo nods.

"Why'd you even want to die here, well, as if you can." Hakyeon grinned sheepishly, still failing to meet Leo's eyes. This guys really doesn't like eye contact, huh? "Well? Any extraordinary answers, Mr. Mysterious?" he giggled.

"I don't know myself." Leo laughed softly."I guess... dying in a place– if I can– this beautiful will be a great opportunity. It's a nice death bed, you see. The glimmering lights... the calming waves, everything. Everything just makes it a perfect death bed." 

"Weird." Hakyeon pouted before it falls into a complete frown. "And at the exact time, scary. I don't want to see your dead body in the evening news, Leo. It's... scary."

"And I apologize for making you worry, Hakyeon." Leo sighs.  "My head was too... clouded with loads of things that I completely lost all common sense. I just... acted out of consciousness."

"And please, don't ever attempt that silly nonsense again, okay? Even if you're deathless, me seeing you bleed and try killing yourself just makes me feel a similar sensation of watching you die slowly. I'm scared that you'll... leave me one day."

"I assure you that I wouldn't." Leo smiled, ruffling his hair into a messy style, making Hakyeon pout. Leo simply replied with a pout. 

"Why'd you try to do it though? Drowning yourself, that is." 

"I was hopeless of my eternal life, Hakyeon. You wouldn't understand." Leo breathes out, the smile slowly fading away until it was nothing but his emotionless expression once again. "If you're deathless, it somewhat drives you to the edge of insanity. It hurts down here." he says, pointing at his chest, somewhat where the heart is approximated to be in. "It tingles there bad that it nearly made me insane. And with hope being drained out, I was left into nothing but a depressed container of agony and pain." he explains.

"Leo...–"

"I felt alone. I felt as if everyone had left me once more–no, more than once. Numerous times. I fear that it'll happen as if it's one broken loop.Blessing me with precious allies and then, reaping them in such short time. Maybe short in my perspective, but losing someone is just... painful that it drives you there, Hakyeon. ... Can you follow?"

"I suppose, yes?"

"Glad you are." Leo nods. "Well, that's basically the reason. I've been hopeless. I felt that I was alone and maybe, just maybe, if I try it once more, maybe fate'll spare me and finally grant me eternal slumber. I tried, Hakyeon, but it was hopeless. I'm left to emotionally rot here in the earthly realm. Hope restrained. Mad. Alone."

"Stop saying that you're alone." Hakyeon sighs, pouting afterwards before he scowls. His feelings were reaching the level, and any time, his racing heart will explode.

Yes, he's had numerous intimate talks with this guy whom, for so long, he had caged his true feelings for.

Because of the same thing that made Leo try to kill himself.

Fear itself. Fear manifesting deep within.

Fear that Leo will walk away once he learns about his true emotions. His true color. His true perspective of him. Leo isn't simply a friend of his, nor simply a best friend he is always sticking himself with. He sees him as a man. He sees him as Jung Leo. He sees him with sparkles radiating from him, as if a special spotlight from heaven is always stuck around him. One simple smile and side-eye sends his poor heart racing and skipping beats.

His love is dangerously reaching its limit.

"But why should I?" Leo frowned. "Isn't that the truth?"

"No!" Hakyeon roared, playfully punching Leo's shoulder. "You're not alone. You never were!" he pouts, pointing up at the starry night. "Look up there. My parents once told me that your deceased beloved ones are up there, watching you roam around your life. So, in short, Minhwa, your parents, your sisters and all those friends you've met in the past never left you. Physically, maybe, but they're up there, watching you and whispering constant 'you can do it!' phrases!" the tanned latter smiled widely.

"How sure are you that those aren't just tell-tales?" Leo questioned.

"I don't know. But don't you think that thought just makes this better?" Hakyeon grinned. "And plus, we're here, aren't we? Hongbin, Ravi, Sanghyuk and Ken!"

Leo nodded.

"But most especially," he hears the other begin again. "I'm here."

Leo slowly smiled before he nods, agreeing to what Hakyeon had said. It was true, anyway. He had always been there. Since when, exactly? Since college? Since they first met in the halls of their university? Since Hakyeon had accidentally poured water on Leo's favorite shirt back then when they were pacing back and forth in the cafeteria? When?

But who cares?

However, Hakyeon still knew that Leo didn't see through his words. Despite him emphasizing that it isn't "what" he thinks it is, Leo would still fail to notice it. And again, Hakyeon will have to seal his feelings for a bit more time.

"Oh, let me get this." Leo says, the familiar tune of his ringing phone ringing through the two's sense of hearing. Leo dug deep in his pockets before he finally grabbed his phone. His eyes stared at the screen for quite some time before he hesitates to answer it. He managed to hide his hesitation, succeeding in answering the phone quicker than three seconds.

"Hello?" he answers.

"Leo?" the voice– which what seems to be creepishly familiar– had said in return. The voice was as smooth as honey, yet at the same time, it sounded like sharp knives cutting through his flesh. It made his skin crawl. "Leo, this is you, right?" the voice repeated.

It was Jinae. Seo Jinae.

"Yeah." he softly answers. "Why'd you call? I didn't suspect you'd still keep my number in your mobile phone." he says, sure that Jinae heard him smile. "Perhaps you know that you'll get bored and toy once more? Or perhaps whisper more lies to my already corrupted mind? Or maybe–"

"Shut up, shut up. Shut up and listen." her voice was shaky. It isn't that normal to hear the female talk like that, most definitely because both of them, and even Hakyeon, were aware of this lady's true identity. She's not that sweet lolita strolling down the streets of Seoul with a bright smile hiding under her pastel-colored parasol. She's a lady in black, knee-high boots and either leather or denim as her signature fashion. 

"What is it to listen more to?" Leo asks, voice stern.

"... Help me." she weakly pleaded. "I need your help. Please, help me–"

And there, the line was cut.

Leo blinked before he slowly turned to look Hakyeon indirectly in the eyes.Even if their eyes didn't exactly meet, Hakyeon knew what Leo was thinking. One glimpse of the eye and everything was clear. His hope and joy slowly went down the drain before he felt a small spark of his stomach flipping for some reason light up. 

And he knew, he still can't beat Jinae in her own game.

"Go." he softly smiles before he nods slowly. "Go, she needs you right? Go." he smiles, pushing Leo a little. "Go on, it's fine." he repeats.

Leo smiles softly back at Hakyeon before he nods and runs off, vanishing in mere seconds. 

Hakyeon could only watch as he slowly lets the defeat sink in deeper. His knees grew weak, eventually too weak to be unable to support the weight of his body. He soon falls on the floor, eyes still focused on the horizon Leo had vanished to. The pain was unbearable... too unbearable.

And soon.

Morphed into wails of sadness and tears streaming down his cheeks.

As if there was a compass pointing here and there on where Leo would run and turn to, directions just came rushing up in his head as if they were automatic already. It was as if it was pointing the directions and his feet responded quicker than ever.

Yes, it was already dark. But he couldn't care less.

Why did Jinae call him? 

Why was she calling out for help?

Why did she suddenly drop the call?

Why?

Lots of questions piled up in his head.

But most importantly, why was he running, looking for Jinae? Didn't she trick him once? Would he allow himself to be tricked once more and to appear like an idiot again? Hasn't he learned? Jinae means no good. He had moved on from her already and it would be her own solid fault if she hasn't moved on from him. Can't she spare her a peace of mind for not bothering him?

But who cares now? He couldn't stop his legs from running and his guts directing him the directions.

He was just running and stopped when he reached a plain looking house.

He stopped and stood outside the towering gates as his chest rose up and down, catching his breath. His eyes wanderred around the towering building in front of him. It felt weird but this feeling that seems that this feeling comparable to a compass was pointing at the house itself. A lump formed in his throat. He slowly caught his breath before he took the courage to take a step.

And there, the sound of osmething breakable echoed through the dead of the night, followed by a bloody scream.

Leo snapped.

Without thinking twice, he broke in this unfamiliar residence. He opened the gates and tried opening the front door. When the knob wouldn't turn, he breathed out, positioned himself before he kicks the wooden door open with all his might. 

And there, a terrible sight unfolds.

Jinae.

Her upper body covered with nothing... exposed out in the open. Her shirt has been thrown carelessly on the floor, ripped in the sleeve areas as Leo inspected it in one quick glimpse. Her skirt lays a few inches away, only to realize that Jinae is wearing nothing but her underwear and her cycling shorts. Her black hair is nothing but a messy, nest-like style. Her eyes were watery, probably after crying. She was breathing deeply, catching her breath.

And above her, pinning her arms above her head is no other than a familiar guy Leo could distinguish as the "Jin" guy. His instincts kicked in upon realizing that Jin has been doing nothing but lay rough kisses all over Jinae. He hurriedly charged him, pushing him down on the marble floor before laying numerous and continuous punches on him, shouting bloody murder at him.

Jin, caught by surprise, wasn't able to react fast, thus, receiving all the attacks weakly. He was left with lots of bruises and a terrible black eye before he scampers outside, carrying his clothes along. He dared not say a word as he was too astonished to even say anything at all.

With Jin out of sight, Leo turns around to Jinae, who was now covering herself with her bruised arms. She managed to cover her upper private part, tears streaming down her eyes. She was shaking uncontrollably, making something in Leo switch.

Still breathing heavily, Leo heads towards Jinae, sitting down the couch the female is on before he wraps a blanket around the female. No words spilled down his lips as his eyes avoided Jinae's. He covered the female's exposed and bruised body carefully, arms warpping around her small body. There, he heard Jinae cry harder.

"There, there," he finally speaks up, patting Jinae's back as he hugged her tighter. "It's fine. It's alright now. I'm here. The bastard's gone. He won't come back." he assures. 

Jinae just replies with louder sobs, hiccups in between as she tries to speak up. "I-I'm sorry..." she tries to say, hands clutching tight on Leo's shirt. "I-I was wrong. You w-were right. I went off track. I'm s-sorry I didn't li-listen." she sobbed.

"It's alright, they're all in the past now." Leo replies, his embrace wrapping the female closer to him, giving her assurance, safety and warmth. "I've long forgiven you, Seo Jinae. I promised, remember? Remember? I promised to be beside you no matter what."

"But I've been such a jerk." she guiltily says. Her voice sounded so innocent, yet Leo knew that this was no play anymore. She wasn't putting up a mask anymore. Her bad-girl imaged had been wrecked by this unfaithful encounter which nearly ended up into a far worse case of . Jinae had been afraid, finally letting her true color out– nothing but a weak and sick female afraid of everything. A sick one who got lost after being too overwhelmed and scared of her nearing and unannounced death date. She was afraid, so she put up a stronger image, and alas, it didn't go well. Leo was rather thankful. If not, she would've got in a worse flooring.

"Yeah, you were, but you can still change." Leo smiles softly before he kisses Jinae's forehead. "I'm here again. I'll protect you. I'll stay beside you, okay?"

"You will?" Jinae sobs.

"Definitely, milady." he nods, hugging her tight as the night fell quieter and quieter.