chapter sixteen ; 
               clandestine

Things didn't exactly go on as expected. 

Though Leo somewhat promised to make things better than before, he eventually failed after three days or so. He fell into a deeper phase of depression but there was no cutting included this time. He knew pretty well that if he tries to do one again, Hakyeon might consider moving in with him to be his personal watcher. He didn't want his best friend to be bothered more, right? Thus, keeping it a secret, Leo paced around his life while being suffocated by the untold secrets he kept in for himself.

He wakes up, prepares for work and attends work. Leo did a good job masking his true feelings too as no one, not even Hakyeon, had realized it.

Yet.

Leo made a huge mistake of dropping by at the workplace of Hongbin. Sanghyuk was abnormally there, chatting with the dimpled waiter. There weren't much customers present, as far as the silent male had observed the moment he took one step inside. Hongbin easily noticed him, based on how he flashed a bright smile at him before waving at him casually. Sanghyuk greeted him next by running towards him for a brotherly hug, which Leo is pretty much used to already. "You decided to drop by. What gives?" the dimpled waiter questioned as he paced towards the seated males. 

"Can't I drop by for a calming cup of latte anymore?" Le countered with a small smile, too small to even be considered as a smile. Hongbin simply replies the latter with a slightly wider smile before giving him the menu. Sanghyuk scooted close to him, missing the warmth Leo radiated. 

Sanghyuk missed Leo a lot. Since that time he got with together with Jinae, he never heard about him since then, nor has he seen him. It felt like years. "So, hyung," Sanghyuk began as he nuzzled near the older guy. "How's things been since... well, you ended things with her?"

Leo stayed quiet for a short time before he flashed a reassuring smile at the younger. "I'm fine now, Sanghyuk. There's nothing to worry about anymore. She's... a thing of the past now."

"Are you doing well though?" the younger questioned, worry much more audible this time. "Well, Hongbin-hyung had a hard time moving on from Jinae back then. Did you do well?"

Leo was held back for another couple of seconds before he nods hesitantly. "Well, it was good that Hongbin broke up with that player–"

"What player?" Hongbin asks in the background, shock crossing his face instantly. Realizing what had just slipped of his tongue, Leo takes a short yet sharp intake of air before shaking his head in attempts of trying to block what the two had just heard from him. But this doesn't work. Like what the old sayings always say, secrets are bound to be told. Rules are bound to be broken. Nothing stays permanent, to be frank. 

And secrets fall in that matter.

"Leo, what did you just say about Jinae?" Hongbin narrowed his eyes, somewhat that of a furious man hearing something bad about a beloved one. This isn't anything different, except for the fact that Leo couldn't sense if Hongbin was angry. "Leo, I know you two had a hard time breaking up too, but you are in no position to call my friend a player!" the waiter cried out. Thank goodness that the place had just got empty or the dimpled latter would be gathering attention as of now. 

"Hyung, it's not right to solve this with shouting!" Sanghyuk interrupts before he shoots up, scowling.

"Don't interfere, Sanghyuk! You sit down!" Hongbin commanded.

"... I'm just saying the truth, Hongbin." Leo breathes out, knowing that the secret that slipped out a bit must be told as a whole or else it would root into worse things. "Jinae played on me. ... She... she's not the girl you nor me nor anyone knows. She's far deeper that that. She's not who we think she is, Hongbin–"

"I've heard those before! You're just one of those people who can't accept her!" Hongbin exclaimed in fury. Leo understood his side. Hongbin must really find the sudden words slipping out of his lips rather dumbfounding. Jinae had always appeared as an angel in front of everyone, thus, what Leo is trying to tell him on who she really is made Hongbin understand her image a lot harder to do. It's not... that easy to believe that an angel is simply a masked devil. "You... you heartless man! You know that the girl is already sick yet you accuse her of such lies! You're hideous, Jung Leo! Hideous, do you hear me–"

"Lee Hongbin, she is not who you see her as because I saw it myself!" Leo countered in a bombarding voice. Silence filled the place and Sanghyuk somewhat sensed this frightening aura the two emitted. It was as if any moment now, a fight would surface, which he secretly wishes to not come true. Leo's a depressed guy so Hongbin must understand. Hongbin, on the other side, is a sickly person whom Leo shouldn't raise his fist on to. Whatever reason it would be, fighting won't be the right thing to do. It's just wrong. 

And as if the heavens heard Sanghyuk's silent prayers, the chime from the entrance sounded through the tensed cafè.

"Leo!" Hakyeon chirps before he froze in place upon noticing what he had just brought himself into. The tension was too strong that Hakyeon felt it two seconds after he entered the place. A frown replaced his blissful expression before he broke into a panicking mess. "Wait, you two–! No, don't fight!" he cried out in fear before standing in front of the two males. "What is wrong with you two?! Why are you fighting? Most especially in front of Sanghyuk?"

"Step aside, Hakyeon. This is a thing me and Leo need to discuss." Hongbin hissed, eyes still glaring at the silent and taller male. "This guy... this friend of yours is a liar, Hakyeon! Accusing my friend of terrible and nonsense lies."

"I am not lying–!"

"You shut up!"

Hakyeon scowled before he tried to keep the two away from each other to avoid physical conflict. Sanghyuk decided to help as well, despite his fear slowly feeding and manifesting inside his own body. Right after making a safe distance between the two, Hakyeon decides to ask Hongbin what exactly was going on. The dimpled waiter, still engulfed by fury and disbelief, began to narrate what was happening just before he came. He told him everything Leo had told about Jinae.

One word and Hakyeon breathed out heavily.

"Hongbin, I know that it sounds crazy, but believe me." Hakyeon frowned as he eyed the dimpled latter with worry and fear. Fear that he still will refuse to believe. "... Leo doesn't lie, Hongbin. What he says is true. He had told me about such matter before and that's why... I wasn't able to go to work for quite some time. Leo's been too depressed to work and he's been cutting himself often times that phase. Jinae... she toyed with Leo. She's not–"

"Liar!" Hongbin roared, pushing Sanghyuk away with force, making the younger trip and fall on the grayish-beige carpet covering the floor. When Sanghyuk winced as he held his ankle, the tension turned into worry as the three darted towards the injured younger, who turns out to have twisted his heel the wrong way when Hongbin pushed him aside. "I'm sorry, Sanghyuk– I-I didn't mean to." Hongbin began to apologize, not knowing what to do. "H-here, I'll get some ice–"

"I'm fine." Sanghyuk managed to say despite showing glimpses of pain and worry from those charcoal orbs of his. "... But the least you can do is listen to Hakyeon-hyung and Leo-hyung. These two can never lie. Maybe, just maybe... they're stating the truth, hyung."

Hongbin knew that he was cornered so he had no choice but to force himself to listen so.  With him calming himself down, he sits down on the leather couch the cafè uses, he begins to listen to Hakyeon and Leo's narration, with the side line of Sanghyuk listening to them as well. The two perfectly described that fateful encounter when Leo accidentally saw and heard Jinae talking about this and that. He narrated to Hongbin on how different Jinae is when she faces a crowd. He told him that Jinae was simply toying around with him.

In short, Leo told him everything Hongbin never knew nor had thought that angel-faced lady has in store.

And like Leo, Hongbin bursts into a sobbing mess, disbelieving the words he had been showered with.

Jinae hung around with her peers again, drinking drinks she shouldn't, smoking cigarette, talking with vulgar words and most especially, staying up late. Most probably, this lady dressed in a gothic-like leather outfit had a stick of cigar on , smoke coming out of and nostrils. Even with the fact that she's aware of being sick, she doesn't mind anything anymore. She'll die anyway, right? Might as well rebel and make the best out of it, right?

"Hey, Jinae." she hears Myungsoo call out. A pair of lean arms wrapped around her face before she feels the latter's hot breath on her neck. The next thing she felt were his hands slipping underneath her shirt, which she slapped instantly. 

"Myungsoo, you're drunk." Jinae growled before grabbing a plastic chair and placing it in front of her. "If you're trying to make out with me again, at least do it when you're sober!"

"Oh~ someone's feisty tonight!" Jiyong howled in a mocking tone before gulping down a can of beer. "Most often times, you let Myungsoo touch you all the way, drunk or not!"

"Don't you recall, honey?" Chaerin asked, her words slurred due to intoxication. "She's got this Leo guy now so making out willy-nilly would be pretty awkward now. Our baby girl is finally falling in love for the first time in reality–"

"You little , I'm not taking the play with that guy seriously." Jinae hissed before she kicks the table with a rather strong force, shocking Yugyeom, Bambam and Krystal. A rather annoyed expression was patched on Bambam's fair face but was instantly dispersed upon meeting Jinae's blazing eyes. "Look, how many darn times do you all want to hear that I'm just fooling around with that guy?"

"Whatever you say, Jinae." Yugyeom giggled playfully before twirling the shorter's silky hair. "You know, maybe it's time to change this dull hair color of yours. Red highlights or auburn will suit you. What do you say, want to drop by my place tomorrow night? I can dye your hair."

"Only an idiot will fall for that Yugyeom." Krystal scoffed, slapping the male's hands away from Jinae's hair. "We all know that you're too ually frustrated. You probably will just end up making out with Jinae again."

"Ew!" Bambam shrieked in a girlish way.

"Quit playing innocent, blondie." Krystal growled before turning at the latter. "Like you've never placed your hands on her parts you shouldn't–"

"Shush! You promised not to tell anyone that!" Bambam blushed, flailing like a little kid. Everyone was laughing, even Jinae, who treated the fact that her ity is just a joke. Yes, she's ed lots of guys, even those she hangs out with now. She never laid her hands on Hongbin though, since well, she just can't. As for the guys in her troop, they've all had with her. ? That's a typical title to carry out now. So what? She liked the mutual lustful craving she and her partners share. She loved the tensions. She loved the sensations. She loved everything about it.

"Jinae?"

That honey-like voice grabbed not only Jinae's attention but her allies' attention as well. Just around the corner, a figure emerged from the darkness. A familiar looking male standing tall with a swell build faced the group with angered and saddened eyes. Jinae felt like panicking upon facing that familiar face she hasn't seen for quite some time but at the same time, she recalled the fact that she liked the tension. "Why, hello, love." she waved casually before waving her hand at the latter as if nothing was wrong.

Leo scowled at the female's actions. Angered, he headed towards her direction before gripping her arm tightly, pulling her by force. "You're probably drunk. I'm taking you home, Jinae." he sighs.

"No! Leave me alone!" Jinae hissed, kicking him away before scampering back to her peers. Her eyes were sharp as knives, different from her gently created eyes she flashes in public. These were nothing similar to those Leo got used to. She was nothing similar to the Jinae he knows. "You! Who gave you the opportunity to just drag me away like that? My mom? My dad–"

"It's late. You have to be home or else your condition will worse. Listen to me, okay?" Leo tried to beg. "You're sick, Jinae. You have to rest–"

"Then lock me up in my room to die in boredom?" Jinae began to argue. "You know something, huh? You're nothing different from everybody else! Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I don't get the freedom anymore! I'm still alive and I want to make the best out of my life."

"By rebelling? Your parents must be dead worried for you. They might have no idea where you are now or who you are with now." 

"So? I'm going to die anyways, Leo! At least let me do what I want!" Jinae bargained.

"No." Leo shakes his head firmly. "I'm taking you home."

Jinae reached her peak.

"Leave me alone, okay?!" Jinae shouted on top of her lungs, glaring with fury at Leo. "You! Do you not see the real intentions I have flashing before you? What are you, obnoxious from signs, retarded or just blind?" she growled in fury.

Leo feared for the next situations.

But he had to face it.

"I am simply toying around, you imbecile! I never liked nor loved you! That time we made out? Yeah, they were all a part of my little drama. My image? Just a fake thing to flash to everyone. The promises we exchanged? I lied. I faked everything. I don't really find you suiting for myself. You're just beneficial because you're wealthy. In fact, that emblem you gifted me? I can sell that for millions of dollars!"

Toyed.

Leo heard it himself.

"And since this'll be the last, I should at least be nice enough to explain things." Jinae smirked playfully before she sat on the drunk Myungsoo's lap. "Dating is just a number game. Love is like a game of luck. If you're an idiot, you get heart broken. If your senses act well, then you won't. You don't know who your special someone is.... which is pure crap talk to begin with. True love ain't real, idiot. So what if I resemble this... this Minhwa girl? You think I'm her reincarnation or something?" she laughed.

"Too much of an idiot, isn't he?" Chaerin laughed along before everyone joins in. Leo felt small as his depression and anxiety attacked him gradually.

"Tell me about it." Yugyeom grinned.

"Stu~pid!" Bambam childishly says, the alcohol taking effect on the blonde.

"You see, Leo," Jinae began to speak again. "This is all one mere play. It worked well too. It went easier because I am playing with a depressed imbecile like you who believes that his dead beloved can still get another chance here in our world. You never saw through me, which proves the fact that this is an expertise of mine! Do you have any ideas on what I do when I'm out of your sight? Correct. I make out with random guys for a living and for fun. I even make out with the guys here that I hang out with. I date guys three or more at the same time. Believe me, when I was tagging along with you? I was dating four other guys! I flirted with you despite being 'with' Hongbin."

For some reason, Leo considered Hongbin lucky to have Jinae give up on him so easily. It hurts, yes, but not as much as this one does.

"Hongbin... ah, that idiot who sees me as an innocent lolita. Poor him, he never will now my secrets. Hongbin is much of an idiot too. He thought he was the only one lying? I always knew that he was lying. I simply played along with it and made him drown in a sea of guilt when I 'broke up' with him. Am I a genius or what?"

"A renowned genius indeed!" the drunk Myungsoo cheered.

Leo didn't know how to react when Jinae slowly headed towards him. "If I were you, I'd leave now. I'm not interested  on you anymore. There're more guys I can play with. You're nothing but a rag doll now. You've lost that spice I enjoyed feeding to. Now, scram. I don't desire you." the female coldy instructed before she turns her back at Leo, walking back at her peers whom she gestured to follow her. Everyone follows her close behind, making noise at the dead of the night.

And when Jinae was gone, the tears slipped down his cheeks as he pressed stop on the recorder.

He now had the painful truth to give to everyone.

Depression hits Leo hard though.

Still holding the recording in his hand, he faced the beautiful Han River. It always appeared at its best at night time. 

The silence. The beauty. The pain. It all fits so well for the first time.

Leo trembled and shook uncontrollably as tears flowed down his flushed red cheeks, the recording gripped onto tightly. It hurts him. It pains him greatly far more than he had imagined.

Then, a voice commands something to him.

A voice that only exists in his own, broken world.

"Jump." the voice commanded.

Leo knew that the only way to kill pain is to overlap it with a greater pain.

The Han River looked perfect.

... To drown himself into.

And without hesitation, the male throws himself in the powerful flow of the majestic body of water.

He can't die.

But maybe this time, he might.