When I woke up the next day, my head was totally spinning. The light from the window was shining directly to my face and I can’t help but be irritated. I just want to sleep more, why can’t I have that freedom?

                I rolled my back on the bed. It feels so soft, so soft that I think I’m in seventh heaven. I flung both my hands lazily on my side, owning this comfort. It’s been a while since I had my share of sleep. I usually go running around early morning or late at night. But now, this very moment, everything seems perfect. This cozy, white bed, this seemingly wide space…but there’s one problem, I can smell something reeking of alcohol…

                Alcohol? I furrowed my eyebrows. Where would that smell come from?

                I moved my arm on top of the pillow so it is covering my eyes. However, the smell became stronger, annoying me more…

                That’s when I opened my eyes, all so sudden, that I was blinded so much by the sun.

                Alcohol?

                White bed?

I clearly remember that mine is covered in blue!

I roam my eyes around the place without moving my body. This is definitely not my apartment. Everything here is covered in white, the soft curtains are white, the walls, the cabinet. If not for the bed, I would think no one is living here. Everything is just too clean. I rolled this time so that my head is facing the ceiling.

                Where the hell am I?!!!!!!

                And why do I smell like I bathed in alcohol?

                It was at this confused moment that my head chose to ache again, throbbing like I’ve been hit by a car on the road.

                “Good to know you’re awake,” a deep voice said from somewhere to my left side.

                I turned my head so hard that the aching only increased, but that doesn’t compare to what I saw. Chanyeol, yes, EXO Chanyeol was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed like he’d been there for a while now. He was wearing a simple white V neck and jeans. The sight of him, all so godly like that, made me slap my face. I could swear my eyes are ready to bulge out of their sockets.  Am I dreaming? When I looked again, he was still looking at me. My eyes then turned to slits…dangerous slits.

                “This is not good,” I said, more to myself than to the figure before me that I am examining. “I’ve been seeing them for so long, now even in my dreams, no in my nightmares I’m seeing them.”

                Chanyeol stood up and went near me. I was following his moves like everything about them is new to me. He pointed at the glass of water that is on top of the bedside table.

                “Drink that,” he commanded.

                I squinted my eyes again. I squinted so many times and he’s still there. That’s when I realized that I was not dreaming. Of course, what kind of dimwitted creature would dream of a kpop idol saying “drink that”…?  I know you can’t control your dreams but honestly, I wouldn’t even dream of Eun Gi telling me to drink water. Accusation filled my eyes then and before I knew it I was shouting a lot of curses and covering myself with the blanket eventhough I was perfectly aware that I am still wearing clothes. I don’t have any idea if he is surprised or mad at all the profanities I shouted (I don’t even remember everything I’ve said, I was running on emotions), because soon I found myself tumbling on the floor on the right side of the bed. That’s when I realized that I’ve been backing away so much. At this, not only my head is aching, even my nape felt like it got hit by a wood.

                “Oww…” I said out loud, rubbing my nape and my knee that bumped on the frame of the bed.

                “You done?” he asked, seemingly bored and yet sporting a somewhat amused expression at my reaction. He was just watching me and I could see in his eyes that he thought I was crazy.

                “What are YOU doing here?!!!!” I shouted yet again.

                “You should be asking that to yourself,” he said. “This is MY unit.”

                “UNIT?” I asked, my voice still loud. I was panicking deep inside. “YOU LIVE IN A DORM. AND YES I KNOW BUT IM NOT A SASAENG. Well then, what AM I doing HERE?!!!”

                That’s when Chanyeol raised one of his eyebrows at me. There was a moment of silence and then he spoke again, “Drink the water and start clearing your head. Come out if you want me to tell to your face everything about last night.”

                Then he walked out of the room.

                EVERYTHING ABOUT LAST NIGHT?!!!!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL--!

                That’s when I accidentally banged my head on the wall at my back, and I was left muttering insults to the wall. Suddenly, I was able to sniff in another wave of alcohol and that’s when the memories came back.

                Before I knew it, horror was flashing through my face and I could remember every single detail…

                I was running. That I was aware of.

                I reached the first floor landing and to my relief, the guard is still not there. This means that I really haven’t taken that much time in the building. I am still irritated, and if there would just be a mirror appearing right now, I would definitely see my flushed cheeks. Securing the jacket around me, I made for it. I ran out of the building. Fans, as soon as the door opened looked but immediately scuttled away. What they must be seeing now is just a staff who they don’t give a care about. Of course, they only want to see idols. What they don’t know is I am just an intruder, an intruder who got to spend some annoying time with exo.

                I continued running, feeling the cold night air damp my skin. I don’t have any idea where I am heading. I just went for the sidewalk, not thinking of riding a cab or bus. My life is just so messed up right now. I don’t want to look at my phone…I don’t want to pick up my computer and start posting pictures…I don’t want to go home…

                I looked at the things around me, yet trying not to hear anything. Would returning to the province be the best option now? Maybe I should just stick with my mom and let my dad work instead of me doing the work. But even when just thinking about it, it sounds so wrong. I’ve been doing this for so long, stopping now would seem absurd. And I don’t think I have the heart to return…

                I stopped from running and let out deep breaths. It’s funny how breathing which keeps you physically alive is so easy to do when the actual breathing to get a life is the complete opposite. When life is just going to fool around with you, it would have been easier if everything is just difficult in the first place. At least, you wouldn’t have a taste of what happiness is like. At least, you wouldn’t go around thinking of the things you once have and can’t get back now.

                I looked up at the sky and screamed. There were a few people out there who stared at me like I was mad and proceeded to doing their own business. That’s right. When life has sunk you to the bottom, you can’t expect anyone to just appear before you and pick you up because others have their own problems to worry about: a pet which has died, a husband caught cheating, a homework failed. Anything. Just anything. And you can’t blame them with worrying about simple stuff because no matter how grave your own burden is, everyone can feel pain. You can’t just measure the level of pain and compare it to others because we have different ways of looking at things, different ways of hurting and different ways of coping up.

                My way of coping up is always to not think about what is paining me, work hard, and never give up. For how long I could keep that up is something I do not know. Even now, when I feel like I can’t escape this situation any longer, I still can’t think of giving up. This is primarily because I’ve got a good knowledge of what giving up is really like. Some people think that giving up is something that concerns their own selves. Wrong. The thing is everything is really connected even if you don’t like it. If I give up, though it would probably give me some relief and a space to breathe, I would be failing Eun Gi, my mother and my father. Each one of us in the family, I believe, keeps holding on, even my mother though I have no way of finding that out. Letting go is simply one of the biggest mistakes I could do.

                I just can’t. I can’t.

                I wasn’t aware that I was walking slowly and I haven’t been paying attention at the place. I was just spacing out, wondering what it feels to shrug the weight off your shoulders…

                That’s when I heard laughing at the side of the road, only to see a food stall with several wooden tables laid out before it. It doesn’t seem like a place which would sell sweet food and so it was confirmed when I shifted my gaze. Those group of friends that I heard were drinking, I can see clearly from here. I don’t know if this place even has a permit to operate because it looks like it just went ahead and let people drink by the street. But still, there seems to be a lot of people here spending the