twelve

I’m used to stifling all emotions and so this week has been nothing short of exhausting for me. I want nothing more than to just not care about a thing whether it’s true or false. I’m a must so I feed. But I don’t want to care about my fate nor Kai’s. I don’t want to worry about the possibility of being hunted and reduced into some gem power source. I accepted my death but as soon as I’m really faced with my mortality I find I truly haven’t.

The thought of actually being dead does not frighten me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly lived though I have had glimpses of what he could and should feel like. Death feels like nothing. The dead are not conscious of happiness or pain. Truly it’d be an improvement upon my conditions. And yet the thought of being pursued leaves me uneasy. Death can be sweet but dying is nothing but pain. The thought of being chased, hunted and pursue leaves me anxious. Even more paralyzing is not knowing how to act or even if I should. Maybe such a death would be romantic. I hate life. How fitting then for me to be reduced to only the energy swirling cloudy in a dusky gem.

But my thoughts are straying. I’m so self aborbed but it’s not about all about me. It’s Kai’s a life too. I know I have to inform him of what Yesung’s told me. In class I can’t do anything but play and think. My first period contains actual playing time but after that it’s all theory until lunch.

Theory leaves me wide open and susceptible to any sort of paranoid and unacceptable thought. They range from misery to excitement, apathy and wonderment.

But of course there is Tao too. I sit in the absolute back of the lecture hall which leaves me a perfect view of Tao’s unoccupied seat in the first row. His absence weighs on me. There is a chance that he fell ill or befell some other type of emergency and yet the same thought keeps recurring in my mind. He’s left because of me. My only friend left because of me.

It’s irrational. But that’s exactly why it’s more disconcerting than whatever I have with Kai. Tao moves me to irrationality. He shakes the very foundations and challenges what it means to be Oh Sehun. Oh Sehun doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t take pleasure in simple things, he doesn’t do things for others or care for their affections, unless Tao is involved. Then Sehun is feeling, smiling, crying, suffering, longing, worrying. It don’t like it. Kai is OK; I feel like I neither like nor dislike him. I feel like Kai accepts that. With Tao I cannot keep my regular aloof numbness. The few moments I’ve been with Tao are the moments I’ve been alive.

Perhaps then it is good. Should it be as I fear and I chased him away perhaps it is for the best. I don’t need to feel myself here and there, being pushed to and fro, forwards and back by the winds of my emotions whether positive or negative. I will focus on helping Kai. I will focus on my own music. That is all I will live for and I will hope for nothing.

That is my resolve by the time my morning session ends and I find I’m not hungry for food anyway so I retire to the practice room ready to spend the hour in that way. I spend the rest of the day thusly. After my afternoon session of classes I return to the practice room once again.

----

Pulsing. I can feel the walls pulsing. I’ve played for hours and I haven’t eaten all day. For me playing has always felt oddly nourishing and comforting but now I know playing is merely breathing. I need to eat in both ways.

I set down my violin and listen. I hear nothing but it’s familiar. It’s the same beat of passion as before and suddenly I remember; Brandenburg’s Concerto No 5. I hastily ack in a rush to get closer to the source and as I leave the room to enter the hall the beating only gets stronger. I follow it and I ding with each step I take my senses heighten with what I think must be anticipation. I walk further until I get near a classroom. That’s the source of the beat but I hear no noise.

I open the door and the room is dark. Nobody is here. I open it wider and flip on the light. The room swims before me with energy and I cover my mouth as I feel what I suspect is the beginning of nausea. Passion. The room reeks of it and I lean on the door as I close it behind me.

Only the remnants of the previous occupant’s passion remain, including that of the violinist from the other day. I take a step forward, wiling myself not to run as the feeling I hate swirls thick around me. I pass the first few stands. Nothing seems to have been left behind and I don’t know what to touch.

Somehow it feels so intimate and dirty. I feel like I’m doing something wrong and violating and the suspicion is developed further as I the top of a stand upon passing and feel the jolt of warm energy that spreads up through my fingers and blooms within my arm. I close my eyes and let out a shuddering breath and proceed on until I’m in the violin section.

There is a folder on the stand and I reach out and grab it. When I do I cannot hold back the gasp that comes from me and I’m suddenly assaulted with something very similar to what I’d experienced with Kai. I fall back into the blue plastic chair and shut my eyes as I clutch the folder to my chest. I don’t let go until the feeling stops and I weakly let it drop to the floor.

The contents scatter but I can’t be bothered to pick it up as I remain slouched in the chair. I feel strangely refreshed and I know that I could play through the night wonderfully should I want to. I probably would return to the practice room at once if I could but it’s nearing 8 and that’s when the campus finally closes.

I rub my arms and sit up relishing in the satisfying and lingering desire. I admit, I feel aroused, a feeling I’m not so familiar with. Being a teenager it may seem strange but I have only felt this type of desire once or twice and never directed towards a flesh and blood person. ‘ve never desire to touch a body whether it be someone else’s or my own.

I ignore the strangeness and reach down to collect the folder and straighten out the papers and that’s when I notice the sheet on top. “Adagio for Strings” is printed across the top. Tao had played that for me but right now I’m holding the first violin art. There is a name scribbled at the top and I don’t have to read Chinese to know whose: Luhan.

So that power came from Luhan. Quickly I return the papers to their original spot and just as hastily I scurry out of the room and away from the site of my first conscious feeding.

---

Kai joins my side almost as soon as I left the school building. I should be questioning his ability to know where I am at all times but between him and Tao I think I’ve grown to accept it.

“It’s dangerous out here alone,” he says as if it explains everything.

I want to say I’m fine but I know I’m weak. I can’t protect myself even if I tried. Instead I tell him about my meeting with Yesung.

“You can’t trust what Yesung says.”

“But he knew about Luhan’s soul gem. He knew all along!” I insist.

“Of course he knew! He knows everything but he did nothing about it. He doesn’t care about the lives of other muses. He’s what humans would call a sociopath. He is not to be trusted,” Kai stresses.

I argue back, “He was friends with the muses my uncle knew!”

“Yeah and where are they now? Dead!” Kai retorts and it sounds so harsh and blunt. Trust me. Yesung is shady some way or another. He is not your ally.”

“You’re always trying to tell me who I can and can’t trust but how can I even know I can trust you?”

“You don’t trust me?”

“That’s not what I meant,” I say, shaking my head. “I believe the things you told me but I don’t think you’re that great of a judge of character.”

Kai sighs, “Fair enough.”

And then he perks up and I can tell the subject has been dropped.

“Hey!” he grins. “You know what would be great?”

“No.”

“You’re supposed to guess,” he says pretending to be miffed.

“Well, I don’t want to.”

Kai pouted, “You’re no fun.”

“Just tell me.”

“Fine, says the dancer and then he disappears.

I stop walking.

“Kai?”

I look around and turn 180 degrees trying to find him when suddenly his voice comes like a wind in my ear.

“Boo!”

I startle and turn again quickly to see him laughing before he floats up and around me. I turn again.

“Try it. The basic muse stuff. We’re spirits after all.”

“I cannot,” I reply.

“You can.”

He comes close and touches my hands and I shudder as his fingers through me and I feel warm as that arousal returns. I snatch my hands back.

“I don’t need your energy!” I snap.

“I’m just trying to show you how.” He takes my hands again. “Don’t worry nobody will see us.”

“But my violin.”

“In our spirit form we take things attached to us as well, like my clothes for instance.”

“Thank God for that I guess.”

Kai seems to enjoy my joke because he smiles wider.

“Focus.”

“On what?”

“On me. Just want to be with me,” he says and then he lets go and flies up into the air.

“Kai!” I shout after him as I reach out and up but he just goes higher.

“Catch me, Sehun!”

I run after him. I don’t know why I’m playing along with his silly game but I am. My legs chase after his floating form and next thing you know I feel myself running up a set of invisible stairs. Or that’s at least the closest I can explain the sensation. I look down and realize that indeed I’m off the ground.

“Sehun! Come here!”

I look up and spot Kai beckoning towards me.

I’m immediately reminded of the biblical story of Jesus walking on water and beckoning Peter to him. Kai’s Jesus and I’m Peter. How I hope this wasn’t tied to faith because I can’t believe it. I’d surely sink if it were. And yet I continue to raise higher still and I decide to just focus on catching Kai.

I finally reach him and he smiles as he takes my hand, fitting them together. His smile is also starting to infect me. It’s not soft and warm like Tao’s. It’s confident and hot just like the palm of his hand.

I attempt to smile back just as he turns away and points into the distance.

Our school is seated near the outskirts of Seoul at the foot of a mountain and from where we fly we’re able to observe the procession of lights making their way up the mountain like summer fireflies.

“You see those lights?”

I nod.

“It’s just normal lights but…” Kai said. “But they remind me of sprites.”

“Sprites?” I ask.

He grins and nods, “Yeah. In the spirit realm they’re the lowliest of spirits but I think the most beautiful. They come in a rainbow of colors.”

I watch a bit mesmerized. I’d never seen something like this from midair. The lights seem to glitter and dance.

“Sprites are bound to their lord, the gods as humans would say. They’re not like us muses. I guess in school you learned about Greek mythology?”

“I was never interested in that stuff,” I admit.

“Neither am I,” Kai replies. “But it’s interesting to see what past muses have done. We use to be much more in the open, even having passages in plays dedicated to us. Muses aren’t immortal though. I think it’s that mortality that lets us be what we are towards art. You can’t have beauty without the pain. Muses and humans can both relate to that.”

I take in everything he says with eager attention as I watch the lights on the hill.

“I’m glad I met you,” I tell him after a bit of time.

“Is this another one of your lies?” he asks, his tone light and joking.

I face him as well and smile shaking my head sheepishly. It’s surreal to think I’m flying above my school as a spirit and even then I can’t help but notice how fluffy and bright his hair looks in the night's light. I feel shy about what I’m about to admit.

“No. That thing about beauty and pain… I feel like I needed to hear that. Thank you.”

Kai looks surprised but for the first time I think I see an embarrassed, though pleased, expression on his face. He leans towards me and his lips are on mine as one of his hands squeezes mine. The other rests on the back of my neck pulling me even closer to him and applying a bit of pressure before he pulls back and breathily replies.

“You’re welcome.”

-to be continued-

AN! FINALLY! Sehun is kissed! His first one is Kai not Tao even though Tao totally had dibs! NOOO Tao what are u gonna do! You need to come back now! lol About the view of the mountain... i dunno if Seoul has this but where I live there are places like this just outside a city or right there.

don't worry Tao is definitely coming back and he and Kai will both continue  to get closer to Sehun. But also expect many dangers ahead.

Thanks for all readers, subbers, and commentors! Also upvoters! Thanks so much.