It wasn't supposed to be like this. What the hell went through his head that he had to kiss Himchan? He's seen the guy cry before; seen him at his lowest and most vulnerable moments. He should have been used to it by now.

But he wasn't. No matter how many times he's seen the younger in such a state, he can never get used to it because seeing the younger hurt will always leave a thousand hateful (not to mention painful) pricks of needles in his gut. 

And the thing is, no matter how Yongguk looked at the situation, he will never be able to figure out any other explanation to his actions but the strong sense of jealousy (once he was calm enough to admit it) that wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place. Seeing the younger cry over some undeserving bastard left an unsettling feeling in his stomach and a bitter taste in his mouth. 

Since when did he become so hateful of someone? Last time he checked, he prefered to stay away from complications and trouble yet here he is confused and panicking over the most complicated of things in his life. 

He knows that avoiding the younger was going to solve nothing and the excuse of needing time to think was starting to sound ridiculous (even to him and its pathetic). It wasn't fair to Himchan especially when he did nothing wrong in the first place; he wasn't the one who kissed Yongguk (although he did wish that it was the younger who kissed him then ran away instead for the shame of running away will never go away) to begin with. 

It's the guilt, the feeling of confusion and panic that keeps him from talking to the younger male. He was a hopeless case and an idiot for not taking the chance to talk to Himchan when given (thanks to Daehyun who surprisingly caught on to what he was doing to Himchan and forced him to "come and get something to eat in the cafeteria"). 

"See you later," the younger muttered with a weak smile before walking away without a second glance. Yongguk sat there, watching the younger walk away from their table; the picture of Himchan's deafeated smile sending those hateful pricks straight through his gut (which are more painful knowing that he was the cause of that painful smile). 

"Hyung!" Daehyun exclaimed as he turned to the dazed older male. He shot an apologetic look towards the younger male, scratching his head in frustration. 

"Sorry," he muttered (to whom he didn't know but he said it either way), somehow feeling emptiness in his words. He knew neither apologizing nor avoiding the situation will solve the problem. He needed to make a move in order to solve what he himself started. 

He hated the man who hurt Himchan yet he himself brought nothing but trouble to the younger. Himchan doesn't deserve this kind of treatment and Yongguk wants nothing but the best for the younger male. If it means facing complications and changing a couple things in his life, so be it (or maybe not being a coward works too). A few sacrifices mean nothing if it means seeing the younger's genuine smile (the one with the twinkly eyes and the teeth that never fails to make Yongguk smile back like the doofus he was). 

"I don't feel like eating after all," Yongguk said with a small smile before standing and heading for his studio, leaving an unusually stiff Jongup and Daehyun in their table.

He knew no other place to go because going back to his apartment that seems to be full of Himchan makes him feel ridiculous and bothering his friends didn't seem to be a likely choice for him either. Living off of take outs and sleeping on the couch of the studio (sometimes not sleeping at all) has been his life for the past few days. 

He busied himself with music; let himself escape through it because thinking only leads to one person which leads him to hating himself. Leads to him fearing what he feels, what he doesn't know.

He went to grab a new shirt but only found used ones in his bag. He could already hear Himchan nagging him to go back home with his usual intimidating looks, only this time, there was no Himchan nagging him.

"," he muttered as he grabbed his bag and headed out the door. 

Yongguk didn't know wether to go to the party or not. Himchan might not be there after all (that was probably one of the best scenarios that he was able to come up with). Or maybe if the younger was there, he'd get ignored just like he deserved or get yelled at (which he very much deserved as well) or maybe just be avoided throughout the whole party. Everything ending up with Himchan withholding forgiveness because he himself thinks he doesn't deserve it. 

Once again Yongguk sat out alone in his balcony with a bottle of beer to keep him company. He sat there thinking of a certain someone that just came into his life without notice, changing everything he was used to, breaking his habits and what was normal. 

How did they manage to get into such a complicated situation? They started as mere companions then became drinking buddies, turned to friends (close friends, as Himchan would always insist). Yongguk liked the clear border in each stage of their relationship. The slow yet sure progress. The simplicity of knowing they liked each other's company, presence, and the fact that they knew more about the other than anybody else does. But what were they now? Was that kiss important enough to mean another change in their relationship? A new stage? Because one thing Yongguk was sure of is that he can't pretend it never happened. 

Another thing he knew is that he doesn't want to lose Himchan. And if Himchan wanted to forget about it, Yongguk would comply if it means making the younger happy. That was what brought him to this point right? The need to see the younger male genuinely happy. To avoid seeing the younger crying. To be the one to protect him. To see that smile with the twinkling eyes and teeth.

The thought of a smiling Himchan made his stomach flip a thousand painful times. But like any other time, it wasn't unpleasant. Not when butterflies took flight in his stomach as he hurried out of his seat to head for the door with no other intentions but to see Kim Himchan.

He'd be damned if he'd continue to let all the uncertainties he felt stop him from seeing the younger male. Forget those fears. Screw those worries. Those 'what ifs'. He wanted Himchan with him. He'd deal with everything else once he gets there.

He clumsily put his shoes on, hitting his knee and stubbing his toe in the process as muttered 's' and other profanities flew across the room. He put the sweater he grabbed on the way (not to mention how thin it was despite the harsh winter breeze) as he picked up his keys, attempting to multi-task and move as fast as he could (he was never made to be efficient after all). 

With a last pull on his sweater, he was finally able to get the hold of the damned doorknob (it never was this hard to get out the door in the whole two years he lived here). He twisted and pushed at the same time, preparing to run at full speed when a slightly smaller, warm figure bumped into him with a small sound of surprise. 

Yongguk stared at the surprised male in front of him. He looked like a startled hamster as he stood there with wide eyes, staring at Yongguk in shock.

"Himchan?" Yongguk said, just as surprised as the younger male was.

The younger male swallowed, looking away from Yongguk, keeping his hand on the other side of the doorknob the elder male held.

"Okay, I wasn't expecting this to happen and I'm not prepared," Yongguk heard Himchan mutter under his breath.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

VERY VERY BELATED MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! Okay this was supposed to be a Christmas update but THIS IS SO DELAYED OMG. I am so sorry!!!><;; 

I do hope you enjoyed this though ^^;; 

ONE LAST CHAPTER TO GO GUYS! Thank you for sticking with me and my lazy writing ♥♥♥  I really love you guys♥♥ *ehemfutureBANGHIMFICSalertcuzitotallyloveyouguysandallofyouarethebestsopleasecheckthemout* 

And let's stay strong BABYz!!!!!! #ForeverwithBAP♥♥