Plot: 12/20

The plot is cliché, and there are many loopholes.

First, arranged marriage, and furthermore, to another guy? It’s almost impossible. In this day and age, arranged marriage probably doesn’t exist, and if it does, it means that their parents are conventional. Conventional parents probably won’t let their children get married to others of the same gender.

Jongin trying to kill Kyungsoo is a stupid move. He wants freedom- killing Kyungsoo will land him in jail. That’s hardly freedom.

Thirdly, why did Jongin stop? Just because of Kyungsoo’s hand? And he probably won’t want to see Kyungsoo anymore after that!

Fourthly, why did Kai will fall in love with Kyungsoo so fast, and why would Kyungsoo forgive him for attempted murder? Not likely.

Sure, your plot is interesting, but there are many loopholes, and some scenes are just not plausible.

Characters: 13/20

It is pretty cliché that the main character is an artist of some sort.

Jongin is too impulsive; also, some choices that he makes are irrelevant to his motives. He doesn’t keep his promise to Kyungsoo, he kills himself. Why? He didn’t need to feel guilty, he didn’t harm Kyungsoo badly. He promised! Also, he has very little self-discipline, going after Kyungsoo, when he feels guilty for harming him.

Kyungsoo, on the other hand, should recognize his attacker, and why is he so perfect, why does he not have any flaws? He’s way too patient with Jongin.

Flow: 11/15

Jongin falls in love with Kyungsoo way too fast. I think there should be some buildup between them. Moreover, I think you should have more chapters to show the romance between both of them.

Writing Skill: 24/30

Okay, although it’s fantastic if English isn’t your first language, there is much room for improvement. The words and phrases and description put in there are simply fantastic. I don’t even know some words you used and I had to check the dictionary! Your grammar tends to fluctuate, sometimes it’s in pat tense, sometimes it’s in present tense. This usually happens between paragraphs.

The only problem with this is simply the phrasing. The sentence structure is just messy and doesn’t make any sense. Many words are also wrongly used/exaggerated!!

You don’t need big words for everything! I would strongly recommend hiring a beta reader to correct some of the mistakes made.

These messy mistakes make it hard to read, because we have to try and make sense of the sentence just because of some misplaced words. Also, some sentences are just too long/use too many adjectives, making the sentences chunky and hard to digest, thus you should break them down. Some examples…

Phrasing:

[Prologue]

He has been like that since the day his parents told him the agreement; at first he didn't believe them, but at this time it is all in front of him

Correction: He had harbored similar emotions since the day his parents had told him about the agreement; though he didn’t believe them at first, now it is right there in front of him for him to see.

[Premiere]

Everything was going on his mind; he couldn't clearly see the happening.

Correction: Everything was in his mind; he couldn’t clearly see what was going on.

[Deuxieme]

The wind smelling like lemongrass subsided in clean marine notes, white steel beneath their invigorated bodies.

Correction: The wind smells like lemongrass and the sea; the white steel of the car is hot beneath their bare skin; and they feel young, carefree for once, energetic, peaceful.

(I changed it a little here to convey the meaning of your sentence)

Description/Forward: 5/5

I particularly like your description and forward- it clearly states (a little) what the story is about, and it’s interesting that you provide soundtracks that you have listened to for inspiration so others can listen to them too.

Title: 5/5

I totally understand the meaning of your title, and how it relates to the story. “Dead Heart Serendipity” sounds like a very deep, rare title, so if it was me I would give it a go. It all depends on taste, but I think this title is a good one.

First Impression: 4/5

Hmm, this was a hard one. The very first thing I saw was great variety of words put on display, and my expression was just *.*. But then I started to realize they were being used wrongly, so…. Not really sure what to make of that.

Overall: 73/100

You did well! You obviously have a wide range of vocabulary, you just have to use it in the right context, and it’ll be fantastic. I can understand when you’re trying to describe things in an abstract manner, but then sometimes others don’t get it, so try to work on that ^^.

Story Link: 

http://https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/675956/