GetLayD: Endless Love
The Review Shop {Busy}Plot: 13/20
Well, your plot is so-so. It’s unique you made Baekhyun fall in love with a beggar, but the fact that his father is abusive is an overused idea.
Okay, some loopholes:
Baekhyun isn’t angry when Chanyeol revealed he isn’t a beggar, he actually has a job and earns money.
Baekhyun falls in love with Chanyeol extremely fast.
Chanyeol seduces women. Can’t he get a job at Starbucks? That’s his dark secret? I think it’s not dark; it’s just shameful for Chanyeol.
Mr.Byun knocked a kid out flat. That’s mean. A normal abusive man would hit him, then throw him out, and beat the out of Baekhyun, not Chanyeol. That’s just like stranger abuse. And he didn’t seem drunk…
Baekhyun hasn’t gotten out of his hellish-like mansion? The how come now he can?
If his father gets drunk frequently its unlikely he’ll be rich.
Characters: 15/20
I can’t really tell, since you only have two chapters so far. However, I think that the characters are relatively 3D, besides the fact that Baekhyun seems way too not angry with his dad. His dad is abusive, for goodness sake. I would have already left home, but maybe that’s just me…
His dad is the typical abusive one. But earlier you said he was overprotective? That’s really contradictory.
Chanyeol seems okay though: )
Flow: 9/15
It’s moving a bit too fast, but considering that Chanyeol happens to have the skills of hooking up with women, it should be relatively easier for him to hook up with innocent Baekhyun. However, I think it should have a while for the romance to develop before Chanyeol calls Baekhyun ‘his lover’.
Writing skill: 22/30
You’ve improved! I’m impressed! You’ve got much more style and description now, I’m really happy ^^ haha. There are still a few mistakes, but I think you’ve done really well already.
Grammar & Phrasing:
[The Dark Secret]
I had a disgusted look on my face, trying my best to hide it and not make her see…
Correction: I had a disgusted look on my face, but I tried my best to conceal it from her…
The kid shooed the maid as nice as possible while he saw my appearance and ran and tip-toed the gates, while I was also barely on my tippy toes to give him a warm and embraced hug and a small, quick kiss.
Correction: The kid shooed the maid away as nicely as possible when he saw me appear. He ran tiptoed to the gates, and I also had to tiptoe to give him a warm embrace as well as a small, quick kiss.
(This sentence is too long, so I split it up.)
Forward/Description: 4/5
I like the fact that you put a quote in there by Chanyeol. It’s pretty interesting; it’s short and sweet. However, I’m taking a mark off appearance. The font is a little too big, perhaps? Makes the whole thing seem a little messy.
Title: 2/5
‘Endless Love’ is super cliché, and so is ‘forbidden love’. It’s one of those titles where people go: Oh, there is another plain old romance story, blah blah blah. But it’s not another romance story; it has a unique plot. Don’t let the title decide what people think of your story at a first glance.
However, after thinking about it for a while, I realized that ‘Endless Love’, however cliché it is, does have an undeniable connection with the story, describing Chanyeol’s and Baekhyun strong bond.
Maybe a title like “Nothing can stop it: Our Love.” Or maybe a more casual one like “It was just down the street.” (Referring to Baekhyun meeting Chanyeol.) Meh I’m not good at titles either.
First Impression: 3/5
The whole first two lines of love ‘biting you in the ’ is fantastic. However, there seems to be some abrupt change of subject when it gets to the next next line, ‘But really, what is love?’ Aren’t you talking about how much love hurts, not what is is? You could be referring to how love is about hurting (DEEP WORDS HERE) but your next line says ‘how I fell in love.’
So is it about how love hurts, what love is, or how you fall in love? Makes the whole chunk sound a bit weird.
Total: 68/100
YAY you got higher than the last time! You improved quite a bit, I’m proud. Good for you!
PS. Sorry if the front is a little short, you've only got two chapters, and I've already said quite a bit in the original review.
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